The Key to Finding Love is…Letting Go

Many singles I talk to express frustration with the process of dating and the types of people they meet. Whether they have felt cheated, let down, or confused by various love interests, they can't seem to get past this feeling that they will be disappointed again. Likely, because they were disappointed more than once.

But is this thinking preventing them from finding love?

I'll be the first to admit that it's not easy to keep searching for love, especially after numerous disappointing dating experiences. Not everyone is honest, or kind, or respectful. However, expecting this kind of bad behavior in dating doesn't do you any favors. In fact, I would argue that you're likely to be disappointed again and again if you come to expect it.

We would all like more control when it comes to our love lives, whether we admit it or not. If we could just wave a magic wand so that our soul mates could appear in front of us, wouldn't we try? Even though we know this isn't realistic, to some extent, we do try to control our circumstances.

For instance, we have guidelines in the type of people we're attracted to, whether he's a CEO, restaurant manager, musician, or academic. Or whether he has long hair, wears suits, is six feet tall, or has blue eyes. Or whether he likes to surf, dance, play sports, or whatever else might be on the list. We try to control the types of people we date based on these guidelines. We write others off because they don't make some criteria on the list, thinking...I can't date somebody like that.

What we often overlook because we're so focused on the particulars are the basics: is he kind, does he listen to me, is he interested in what I think, how does he make me feel about myself? And how would you know unless you get to know him?

As long as we emphasize whatever the person sitting in front of us doesn't have, it closes us off to the qualities he or she does have. In other words, we are trying to control our love lives by going after who we think is right for us, instead of taking advantage of life in the moment and getting to know who's sitting right in front of us.

Letting go is most important in the process of dating. When we are hurt and disappointed, we have to let these negative feelings go to move on. When we are checking off our "must-have" lists, we must also let go of our rigid concepts of who we think is best for us. This way, we are more open, and when the right person does come along, we know it.