Relationships

The Jewish New Year just happened and I noticed that JDate has more to celebrate than Rosh Hashanah. They just released the results from a survey by ResearchNow (an independent research company) which shows that JDate is responsible for 52 percent of all Jewish marriages that started online. From the survey of 948 married Jewish internet users they also concluded that 63 percent of the online dates originated at JDate, this is many times more than the leading competing dating services. The survey also showed that 76 percent of Jewish internet users who used an online dating site to find love, became a member of JDate.

For more information and statistics you can read this post from the JDate blog. To find out if this dating service is something you would be interested in you can also check out our review of JDate.

Dating is often confusing. When you are attracted to someone who seems interested at first but then pulls away for no apparent reason, it can be maddening. You wonder: Did I say something wrong? Did I do something offensive?

And other times, a date can act flirtatious one minute and then cool the next, and you're left wondering how they really feel about you.

When your date is giving you mixed signals, what does s/he really want, and how can you know? Should you pursue or move on? Following are some tips for determining what's really going on.

For men:

My first suggestion is, a woman sending mixed messages might have been interested in you, but then you said or did something that turned her off. So be honest with yourself: did you come on too strong? Did you treat her disrespectfully? Did you make fun of her, or criticize her appearance? On many occasions, men think they are being charming or funny but women can take comments or gestures the wrong way. So pay attention. And don't try to provoke her if she rejects you or turns cool toward you. Instead of trying to be playful and flirtatious, just walk away. If she's still interested, she'll let you know.

Or, she could be playing hard to get. As much as I hate to admit it, "The Rules" are still followed in today's dating world. Many women feel that if they act distant or uninterested in a man, it will cause him to want to pursue her even more. Unfortunately, I think this only sends more confusing messages to daters. My advice: be honest with her if you're really interested. If she continues to keep her distance or acts cool, then let her go. If she really wants to pursue a relationship with you, she will call back.

For women:

When men send mixed messages, it likely means they aren't interested in anything serious. If a man thinks you're moving forward too quickly or asking for a commitment when he doesn't want one, this can cause a breakdown of communication. A man can disappear and reappear if he feels like he's being suffocated. So give the relationship a little time and space to develop naturally. If you have been going out for a while and he still doesn't know what he wants, then maybe it's time to move on to someone who does.

Another possibility is that he could be playing games. Some dating books advise men to play "hard to get" because women are attracted to men who are mysterious and confident. Or perhaps some men have found that this behavior was successful in past relationships. Regardless, you have to ask yourself if it's worth putting up with the emotional roller coaster ride to go out with this kind of man. In my opinion, save your emotions for someone who's willing to be more honest in his approach.

When I ask my friends to tell me about their dating dealbreakers, I get a range of responses. Anna will only date fellow vegetarians. Jack refuses to date women who do not share his political affiliation. Jenna won't date smokers, Michael will only date people who want children, and Jess has a strong aversion to men with beards. Dealbreakers are as diverse as those who use them to separate partners with potential from dates that are doomed to be disasters.

One dealbreaker, however, is on almost every list: clinginess.

Few things kill attraction faster than a needy partner, so before you pick up your phone to check in with your sweetie for the 5th time in the last three hours, hit the pause button and ask yourself: Am I a clingy date? Here are 5 signs you're guilty of this top turnoff:

1. You've adopted all of your partner's interests. Being curious about your partner's hobbies and pastimes is normal. It's natural and healthy to want to learn more about each other, and in the process you'll likely discover some new interests and a few other things that you're definitely not interested in pursuing. Taken too far, however, this kind of curiosity becomes obsession. If you catch yourself doing things that you dislike or find boring, just so that you can spend more time with your date, it's time to take a few steps back from the relationship.

2. You communicate constantly. Good communication is an asset to every relationship, but don't make the mistake of confusing "communicating well" with "communicating continuously." Over-communication is a clear sign of relationship-ruining clinginess. In an age in which communication is easy and practically instantaneous - email, instant messages, texting - it can be tempting to be in constant contact with a partner, but resist the urge to check in every 10 minutes.

3. You invade your partner's privacy. People in a relationship share many things with each other, but they are not obligated to share everything. Ask questions about your date's life, but don't bombard them with so many queries that they suddenly feel like they're being cross-examined in court, and never cross the boundaries of reading their text messages or hacking into their email account.

4. You do not take time to lead your own life, or give your partner space. Every couple - no matter how much they're in love or how long they've been together - needs to take time apart. Give your partner space to be alone, to see family and other friends, to pursue separate interests, and to grow. Give yourself the same thing.

5. You let fears and worries get the better of you. If you find yourself worrying constantly that your partner is being unfaithful or is thinking about dumping you, you've entered full-blown clinger territory. A relationship can only last when it's based on respect and trust.

If these clingy behaviors have worked their way into your relationship, consider the reason. Is something wrong with the relationship itself, or is it an internal issue that you need to deal with? Once you've identified the source of your clinginess, you can work to eliminate it.

Online dating is not for the lazy. Anyone who's done it for a while knows what I'm talking about: it takes patience, persistence, and a lot of attention. (Not unlike many relationships!) But usually people become frustrated long before they give it a real chance, so they are left thinking online dating doesn't work. But it does. You just have to know how to do it.

There are many steps in the online dating process, but I feel the one that gets the least amount of attention is messaging. For some reason, this is where men seem to get stuck. They either don't get responses, or they don't get the responses they are looking for.

Instead of beating yourself up over not hearing back from the women you're attracted to, try following some of these tips and see what happens:

Message more women. If you find ten women attractive and send each of them a message with no reply, are you tempted to stop altogether? If so, this is a huge mistake! You have to think of online dating in terms of quantity: if you want certain results, you have to be willing to go the distance. Send fifty emails and see what happens. Send a hundred. You get the picture - don't just stop at a few. Put yourself out there more and I guarantee you'll see better results.

Compliment. Every woman likes to be noticed for her attributes. I don't mean sending an email entitled "Hey Sexy..." or commenting on her breasts. Be classy. Notice the details of her photo: her eyes, her smile, her hair - and compliment what you find attractive. You'll get her attention.

Mention something unique about her profile that shows her you read it. This is for all of you who send the same email to a hundred different women. Try personalizing them instead. A woman wants to know that you paid attention and think she's special. It goes a long way in getting her to respond.

Keep it brief. No need to write your life story. Many men feel the need to list off their accomplishments to prove themselves, instead of starting up a conversation. Women are looking to emotionally connect with a man. They don't connect with a resume or a monologue, so keep this in mind when you feel compelled to talk about all the details of your life in an email.

Keep the focus on her, not you. Again, no need to send a resume of your accomplishments. Women respond to men who pay attention to what they say, have a sense of humor, and like to pursue. If you do these things, you'll get some promising responses.

Online dating can be frustrating, for one simple reason: there’s no possible way you can totally control the situation. Nor should you, really; after all, you’re trying to find a new friend, not purchase a ready-made significant other. Still, waiting for a compatible person to respond with interest can range from irritating to unbearable.

Generally, friends, family and experts might counsel patience at this point. “Patience is a virtue,” they might say. And while that’s true, it’s not very practical advice. Yes, you should be patient in the broad, general sense. But in the short-term, practical sense, it might be a good idea to get away from the computer screen and do something else.

Ever hear the old saying, “A watched pot never boils”? It’s not entirely true - a watched pot will boil eventually, but you’ll be feeling a heck of a lot more bored and annoyed than if you had simply walked away and done a bit of a crossword puzzle. Waiting for anything - your turn in line, the power to come back on after a storm, the winter holidays - becomes more pleasant and easy if you’re distracted. The same applies to dating; why tear yourself up while you wait on the unknown?

Methods of distraction can vary, depending on the situation. Short-term waiting can actually be more difficult - when you’re waiting for a response to a first-contact email, for example, and you can’t seem to stop checking your inbox. In those instances, any tried-and-true method of distraction works - go see a movie, hang out with friends, go to sleep for the night. And try to diversify your interests - sending emails to more than one person at a time can take a bit of the sting out of an individual rejection.

But what about waiting in the long-term sense, in that you’re “waiting to find the right person”? It might not be as unbearable on a day-to-day basis, but it can wear on someone over time. Distraction can help here, as well, but it’s not about short-term meaningless actions, it’s about living a fulfilling life. Once you’ve ensured that your profile is edited and you send several first-contact emails out a week, tell yourself that you’ve done everything you can from your end for now, and move on to another activity. Your life is not dependent on the presence of a significant other; thus, why wait to have fun, hobbies, or a social life until you find the right person? And to quote another old phrase, “time flies when you’re having fun.” Suddenly the quest to find a significant other is just another milestone to reach, instead of something to hinge your happiness upon.

Perhaps “patience” is not a virtue, but a skill - the art of relinquishing control without torturing yourself. If you find yourself obsessively checking your email or your profile, remember: step away from the screen, and find a distraction, big or small.

I'm a fan of social media, online dating, and mobile dating apps. I feel that anything that brings us together, enables us to meet new people, and helps us better communicate is a wonderful thing. However, it's important to remember that the online world and real world are two separate things. It's important to grow your real-life relationships by talking in person and spending time together, rather than always seeing what else is going on via your smartphone, Facebook, and Twitter. Face to face interaction is still key.

Following are some tips to manage and utilize technology so that it improves relationships, rather than diminishes them:

Keep your smartphone out of reach when on a date. Sure, it's tempting to check your text messages or post about your date on Twitter or Facebook, but it's also rude. Instead of leaving your phone on and checking it every few minutes, turn it off and put it away. It can be very distracting to both you and your date, and it sends the wrong message. The person sitting across from you deserves your attention. You made plans to be on a date, so be present.

Maximize your meeting potential. Join online dating sites, download mobile apps, and connect via social media. But don't forget real life! If someone catches your eye in line at the coffee shop or sitting next to you at a bar, start talking. It's important to engage with others in real life as well as online. The more people you meet, the better opportunity you have to network and find the right person for you.

Don't be a virtual stalker. If you've started dating someone new and friended her on Facebook, don't be tempted to constantly check on who she's friending, what she's posting on her wall, or how many of her friends are other guys. Facebook can be maddening when you use it to gage what the other person is thinking. So don't. Instead, have a conversation. Don't stalk or analyze Facebook behavior. By the same token, don't assume you can post about your relationship without asking and coming to an agreement. It's best to be clear with each other before you make your relationship known virtually.

Keep in touch. Texting makes it easier than ever to communicate with dates, but I don't think it should be the primary means of communication. If you've never met, pick up the phone and talk before the first date. If you want to communicate something important, call. If you're running late, then text and let the person know. If you want to let your date know you had a good time, send a thank you text. General rule: if you need to have a conversation, then pick up the phone and talk. If you just want to provide an update or confirm plans, texting is a great mechanism.