Relationships

There is a truth to dating that isn't discussed much. When two people come together in a serious relationship, one or both of them at some point may wonder: is this the best person out there for me? Or can I do better?

While this "grass is greener" syndrome seems like a smart question to ask before you take the next step - like moving in together or getting married - you must also ask yourself what your motivations are. After all, you chose to go out with this person in the first place, and to become exclusive. You were initially attracted to her, even if you don't feel weak in the knees anymore when you see her. The relationship seems to have changed. You wonder if this is the natural course of things, or if you are making a huge mistake in staying together. But what if you decide to break up only to discover that you really wanted to be with this person after all?

Love isn't an easy process after the romance fades, but it's important to understand that relationships have cycles of ups and downs - you can't be perpetually on a romantic high. At the same time, if you find yourself dreading spending time together, you have some issues to address with each other.

So should you stay together? First, it's important to have some clarity. Are you getting cold feet with the idea of committing to someone? Do you wonder who else is out there? Are you reluctant to take down your Match.com profile just in case there is someone better around the corner?

My feeling is this: if you're looking for someone else who might be "better" for you, you're missing the point. It's important to take stock of your relationship before you start fantasizing about someone who may not even exist. Ask yourself:

• Do I enjoy spending time with this person?
• Do I feel affection for this person?
• Do we communicate well?
• Am I physically attracted to this person (even if I'm no longer weak in the knees)?
• Does s/he treat me with respect, kindness, and affection?

If you have reservations based on the answers above, it's time to take stock of what you want and who you're with. But if your concerns are more focused on waning feelings of attraction, or that you've become a "boring" couple, or that you find your partner too predictable and you're craving more drama or stimulus, proceed with caution.

Relationships change over time, so keep some perspective about your expectations. Whether you decide to stay or go, the decision has consequences, so be sure to think it through.

If you're feeling that online dating isn't working for you - whether it's because your matches are non-existent or you seem to attract men who aren't right for you - take heart. The answer is easily fixable. But it requires changing up your profile and expanding your search.

Not every man you meet is going to make you swoon (admit it - we all seem to look for chemistry first when we meet someone). You will have good dates and bad dates like everyone else, regardless of whether you meet through an online dating site or through some other method. The key is to keep things in perspective, be open to new experiences, and maintain a positive attitude.

And if you want to grab a man's attention online? You have to have a great profile. Following are some tips for you to help it out:

Post a variety of pictures. Let's face it, men are visual creatures, especially when searching through online dating sites. A woman has to catch his eye. But don't try to be someone you're not - men have different tastes so don't think they are all looking for a certain "type." Use current pictures (taken within the last six months), and ask a friend to take some if you don't have any you like. Have a headshot, a body shot (or they think you're hiding something), and shots of you doing things - whether it's hiking, painting, or playing soccer. And smile.

Be creative. Men and women could both use some improvement in this area. Don't be tempted to use the tired online dating phrases like "I want to find my best friend" or "I love to travel." Instead, state in a sentence or two where you've traveled or where you'd like to go, so you can leave room open for conversation. If you're funny, be funny in your profile. Show off your quirks. Your unique personality has to shine through to separate you from all the other women.

Throw out your "list." If you have standards that just aren't being met (i.e. he has to be at least six feet tall, have a full head of hair, work as a lawyer, be athletic), or any number of particular traits that don't have much to do with how you want him to treat you in the relationship, rethink your list. Is his height as important as his ability to communicate well, or that he's affectionate and kind?

Communicate. Most women feel that a man has to contact them first, but if you see someone who interests you, please reach out! Or if there's a man who has sent you an email, write him back in a timely way. The first step in any relationship is communication. Try to withhold any judgment until you get to know him a little better. After all, we don't always convey our feelings accurately over email or text. Practice keeping an open mind.

When first entering the world of online dating - or really, dating in general - it’s can be like being told to perform a ballet without having ever danced before. You might not have any idea what your strengths are. Over time, however, you might get the “choreography” down, but still need help with your “form.” Or maybe you’ve got the “arms” under control and need to focus on your “legs.” Whichever metaphor you choose, there comes a time when you need to assess what your strengths in dating are, and determine what you need to work on.

There’s a wide range of possibilities, and strategies to make up for your weakenesses. For some, the hardest part is just “getting their foot in the door” - writing a good profile, getting that first date. Once they meet in person, their personality does the rest of the work for them. Such a person might naturally focus more on their online profile, asking for proofreading help from others.

Some can express themselves well through writing, but freeze up in person when they’re meeting someone new. For them, the first date is what to focus on - learning to make small talk, to work past their nerves and anxieties. Still others are great at making first impressions of all kinds, but need to work on making deeper connections in the long term.

So even within the niche of online dating, there are all kinds. What can we learn from this? Well, in seeking out advice, tips and tricks, you have to bear your own strengths and weaknesses in mind. It doesn’t do much good to work on your “ballet footwork” when it’s really your flexibility you need to be concerned with. The Internet allows us to be flooded with ideas and advice, but after you become more familiar with the dating process in general, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is filter out what isn’t relevant.

Finally, as you write those first emails or head out on a first date, remember that you’re meeting someone with their own strengths and weaknesses. Are you extending the same compassion and patience you’d like to receive? You might not be great at dancing alone, but perhaps you’ll find someone with whom you can piece together an entire ballet.

Have you had bad luck with online dating? Maybe you haven't had as many matches as you'd hoped for, or maybe too few women have responded to you. If these are your problems, there's a simple fix: it's time to revamp your profile.

In addition to posting pictures that are an accurate reflection of who you are (making sure they are recent, depict you in different ways - like a headshot as well as a surfing shot, and don't include ex-girlfriends or a gang of friends around you), there are a few ways to tweak that profile to get more responses:

Don't be so brief. Instead of three-word descriptions in your profile, or an email that just says, "what's up?" be a little more conversational. Otherwise, the people viewing your profile or reading your emails will have no information to go on. When someone doesn't pique your interest from the beginning, why would you go back and reconsider?

Be original. If you're funny, then show it. If you're adventurous, post pictures of yourself jumping out of airplanes. If you're into music, talk about your playlist or post a photo of yourself playing guitar. If you want to start a conversation, you have to create a topic. With online dating, it's a visual thing - the first impression is your profile, so be creative and true to yourself. (No more typical phrases like "I enjoy long walks on the beach" or "I'm just a nice, easy-going guy" please.)

Be open. If you find that you're not getting many matches or responses to your emails, take another look at your restrictions. Are the age filters you are working with realistic? If you're 40 and only want to date women in their twenties, you're missing out on a whole pool of great candidates. Will you only consider certain types of women, like athletic or religious or within a ten-mile radius of where you live? Try branching out and seeing what happens. You only increase your potential dates and opportunities when you are less restrictive with your filters.

Leave the past in the past. Don't try and list all the things you don't want in a partner in your profile. Maybe you have dated some crazy or clingy women. Don't make those issues the focus of your profile (i.e. writing "no drama queens for me"). In fact, don't mention those issues at all - or you will likely attract the same type of women. Instead, think about your future and what you want going forward.

Move on. If you haven't heard back from a woman who really caught your eye, don't keep emailing her. It's time to let go and move on. Instead of emailing one person at a time, try emailing ten or twenty and see what happens. Online dating is all about reaching out and seeing what happens. Don't take rejection personally because it happens a lot - and to everyone. Just move on to the next - no hurt feelings.

Have you ever seen a couple that’s been together for many years? Quite often one will remind you of the other. It’s not because they don’t have their own independent personalities; however, when you’ve watched most of the same movies and TV together, live together, and over time have many of the same life experiences, well, your brain tends to make similar connections.

Plus, on a certain level we like fitting in and being “the same” as our loved ones. Small children often try to dress in clothes that are similar or the same as their “best friends.” Some people like referring to those close to them as “family,” even if they aren’t related by blood. And in some ways we simply like to categorize ourselves, whether it’s by ancestry, our astrological sign or whether we’re a “Samantha.” We like to belong, and it seems one of the first steps of getting comfortable in belonging is aligning our behavior with others - at least a little bit.

However, like anything else, there is such a thing as going too far. Completely losing one’s prior identity upon entering a new relationship can be a sign that the relationship is not healthy. A relationship is based on two independent, distinct people, two pillars of personality. It can be common for friends and family to have to adjust to sharing their time with your new partner, but if several people approach you with concern, it can be worth evaluating the health of your relationship.

But a little give and take isn’t a cause for worry. When you begin spending time with someone new, you’re being exposed to new interests, new favorites, even new slang. You’re incorporating a new person into your life, after all, and it’s exciting, too. So enjoy this period of discovery! And maybe keep notes - in a few decades, it might be difficult to distinguish who brought what to the relationship.

Anyone who's been in a long-distance relationship knows that keeping love alive across the distance is a challenge. Thankfully, technophiles across the globe are doing their best to make those vast distances disappear through smartphones, computers, cameras, and other technology. These days it seems like the question on the minds of programmers and inventors everywhere is "Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?"

Projects like Pillow Talk, Path, and Couple Fire believe that the answer could be "yes." Take a look:

Pillow Talk

It sounds saucy, but don't let the name fool you. The Pillow Talk device isn't a naughty bedroom accessory, it's actually rather sweet. Here's how it works: slip a ring on your finger before you fall asleep. The moment you put it on, the device begins wirelessly transmitting signals to a pillow in your partner's possession. The pillow will begin to glow, and when your loved one lays their head on it they'll be able to hear your heart beat in real-time. Trade rings and you can both enjoy the intimacy of hearing each other's hearts beat despite the distance.

Path

Path calls itself a "smart journal that helps you share life with the ones you love - your thoughts, the music you're listening to, where you are, who you're with, when you wake and when you sleep, and beautiful high quality photos and videos." Users can post pictures and videos and comment on the items that other users post. One of the biggest problems long-distance couples face is feeling like they are not a part of each other's lives, and Path might be the perfect solution.

Couple Fire

Couple Fire promises to help "Add spark to your relationship." How does it do that, you ask? Couple Fire is a brand new private social network for you and your long-distance love. Members are given a virtual bulletin board on which they can post pictures, date ideas, dreams...anything and everything you can think of to make you feel more connected to your partner. It's like Pinterest for loved-up long-distance couples!

And there's always that proven, tried and true savior of long-distance relationships: Skype. As crazy (and just a bit stalker-y) as some of these technological relationship innovations may seem, I can't help being intrigued by them. Relationships are hard even when you live in the same city, so why not use the miracles of technology to try to ease the difficulties of long-distance love?