Relationships

Brandon is a guy who was late to the online dating party. By the time he was single and available, friends of his had been utilizing online dating on and off for years. After seeing his friends, both male and female, line up dates and begin relationships thanks to online dating, he decided he’d give it a try, too. After a few months, though, he was feeling discouraged. “Everyone else seems to have no problem finding people, but I don’t get any emails or winks at all,” he complained.

Katy was having a similar problem. She was getting emails and winks all right - but sometimes she wasn’t even sure if they were from a human being. Typos, text-speak, and lewd comments abounded. “Why do I seem to attract exactly the wrong sort of people?” she wondered.

Katy and Brandon have exactly the same problem - they think that someone else needs to make the first move, and that what arrives (or doesn’t) in their inbox is indicative of their attractiveness or worth.

The truth is that online dating works best for those who are willing to make the first move - or email, as it were. Both Katy and Brandon are the shy type, unfortunately, and making the first move doesn’t come easily. “That’s why I wanted to try online dating in the first place!” said Brandon. “It’s hard for me to approach women and ask for their number.”

Well, for the shy, fear not - sending a first-contact email is more similar to saying hello. You’re not asking for a big commitment; you’re just letting them know that you’ve read their profile (and, intrigued, they’ll probably read yours, too). Ending a short-and-sweet email of only a few sentences with a question about their profile, such as, “I see you enjoy baking. Have you tried out that new cupcake shop?” provides an easy opening to a conversation.

Ultimately, online dating is a better choice for those that are shy - good first-contact emails are, by their very nature, low-pressure and you’re not left standing there awkwardly while they form a response. That being said, just because it’s wallflower-friendly doesn’t mean you get to kick back and let online dating sites find romance for you! A healthy dollop of diligence paired with a smidgen of bravery is the best way to stand out in the dating pool.

All of us get busy with work from time to time. We stay late to finish up a project or prepare for an important presentation. But what happens when you find yourself cancelling dates or letting go of your online dating subscriptions over and over again, because your work always takes priority?

Before you cancel yet another date in favor of catching up on emails or getting a head start on a new project, take a step back from your desk. Imagine if you want your life to be exactly the same ten years from now. If you don't, then it's time to make changes. It's time to start prioritizing not only your to-do list, but what you want in your personal life.

It can be a difficult transition, especially if you've spent a lot of time and effort to reach a point of success in your career. You want to hold on to it, understandably. But there is a balance that should exist if you aren't happy with your love life and you want to meet someone. You can't just expect things to change until you start making changes yourself. Following are some ways to help you get started:

Recognize that your dates have work, too. You're not the only one looking to be successful or putting in a long day. Your dates are likely hard at work, too. While it's easy to reschedule a hundred times, it's better if you set a date and stick to it. If others are putting work on the backburner to date you, then it benefits you to return the courtesy.

Figure out what you truly want. If you don't make time to date, then you won't have time for a relationship. If you're only looking for someone to spend time with occasionally, then let them know up front that you're unavailable for a relationship. And if you're looking for something serious, then be serious about your search. Invest time in online dating, or if you're really pressed, hire a matchmaker to do the heavy lifting for you. Most importantly, be honest about what you really want so you can make the effort to get there.

Establish your limits. You may be working hard to get promoted, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your personal life in the process. Just because you're single doesn't mean you're required to put in longer hours or more travel time than your married counterparts. Know your limits and what flexibility you have at work, and communicate with your boss when you need more time for yourself. If you can't get away from the office to date, then you may want to think about looking for another job that allows you to live the life you want.

Are you using work as an excuse? If you find yourself cancelling dates with the convenient excuse of "I'm really busy at work," then you might be sabotaging your love life without realizing it. Instead of hiding from a less-than-great personal life by throwing yourself into work, try putting yourself out there more. Accept more dates, and get more involved with meeting new people. Join an online dating site with a friend so you can keep each ohter updated on your progress. Work isn't your whole life, so don't make it your only priority.

Venturing into online dating can be an exhilarating time. If you’re just getting back into the dating game, it’s a less-stressful way to dip your toe into the pool. If you’re sick of your local dating scene, it can represent an entire new world of possibilities that aren’t otherwise easily accessible. However, there is one behavior that you might want to watch out for, especially if you’re new to online dating: getting emotionally attached before you need to.

Becoming too attached isn’t always easy to spot. Sure, it’s easy to come up with an incredibly dramatic scenario: someone who picks out her wedding dress after the first date, or a guy who’s asking his match to move in after the first email. Most people aren’t caricatures, however, and sometimes your emotions can sneak up on you.

For example, Tom had been sending out first-contact emails for a few months, to a variety of women. They were all reasonably attractive, and he was reasonably interested, but there was certainly no infatuation at first sight - until he came across the profile of a woman named Susan. Susan seemed like a personification of everything Tom had been looking for; he sent her an email right away and then checked his email every ten minutes for the next few days.

Now, not only did Tom have no clue whether or not Susan would be interested, he didn’t even know if he’d actually like her in person! And as it turned out, after their first date, it was obvious they had no chemistry. Tom was forced to admit to himself that perhaps he’d jumped the gun. He’d spent days as a ball of nerves without good reason. But it wasn’t all bad - he has renewed faith that there’s someone out there with similar interests who’s right for him.

Marilee has an even more subtle case of too-fast, too-soon. She’s only just started online dating, and so far it’s going well - in fact, she’s been talking to three separate men. Her problem? She feels guilty! She’s certainly not expected to be exclusive - she hasn’t even been on a date with any of them - but she feels like talking via a dating site, as opposed to a bar or grocery store, somehow “means more.” Since her behavior is different than it otherwise might be - she normally would have no problem saying hi to more than one man - she needs to re-evaluate what weight she places on each step of the online dating process.

Now, it’s not the end of the world if your emotions run away with you; it probably happens to everyone at some point. What’s important is that you recognize it and evaluate it before it does become a problem. Dating can be fun, but it can be stressful - why place extra anxiety and worries on yourself?

Are you in a relationship that seems over, but you're having a hard time breaking things off? Many people don't like being the dumper because of the guilt associated with ending a relationship, especially if you still love and care for your partner. But if it's over in your heart, you have a responsibility to let the other person know. Easier said than done, I know.

Instead of avoiding the difficult conversation, it's best to own up to your feelings. Chances are, your partner has sensed something's amiss. And if you're cheating? Then they probably either already know or suspect.

The key is to be loving and kind, but also resolute in your break-up. There's no use promising to give your relationship another chance if in your heart you've already moved on. However, if you're married and you haven't given things a real chance (i.e. been to therapy or some type of counseling), then I advise you to try, especially if you have children.

Following are some steps to take:

Plan a time to talk without interruptions. It's best if you can break-up with someone face-to-face, but if you're afraid you can't handle it, then initiate a phone call. Don't break up over text or email or Facebook or anything else where there is no real sense of closure or a conversation. Respect your partner and have some courage.

Focus on the big picture. Maybe his habits have driven you crazy - like when he leaves all his dishes in the sink without washing them or that he spends twelve hours every Saturday playing video games. Instead, think about why you don't connect with him emotionally anymore - that you've grown apart, that you feel you are two different people, or whatever the case may be. Don't make it about the little things.

Be kind. There's no need to get dramatic or list off the things that have made you angry in the past. Focus on what you want right now, which is a break. Remind him that you care for him, but you just don't think it will work out in the long run.

Don't slip back into it. Once you've broken up, make the separation clear. Don't remain friends who call each other every day or occasionally hook up. Give each other the time and space to heal and move on. You can't do that if you're still keeping each other on the back burner because you're lonely. I also suggest de-friending on Facebook, or at least have a policy where you wait a few weeks before posting pictures of your fun nights of partying or of your new boyfriend. Allow for closure.

If you’ve been out of the dating pool for awhile, or are jumping in for the first time, it’s generally accepted that you’ll have to learn a new skill set, at least temporarily. You might become more conversant in small talk and “making friends” than you have in years. Perhaps you’ll learn exactly what the best camera angles are for your face. But there’s one skill that many forget, and it’s perhaps the most valuable of all - both in love and anywhere else in your life: the ability to say no.

For some, saying no is no big deal. If they know their own mind well enough to know what they do and don’t want, the honest answer will come out of their mouth without thinking about it. Others, however, have been conditioned to be people-pleasers, to think of others’ feelings to the point that they neglect their own. They’ve become known as “dependable” people whom others can always stick with a less desirable job. Unfortunately, if you’re not the greatest at saying no to begin with, the doesn’t doesn’t always magically pop up when you begin dating.

For example, perhaps you get an email from someone that you’re not really interested in. But you know they’re not a terrible person; it’s not a creepy email. And you realize fully how much it stings to get rejected yourself, so you send them an email back. What could it harm?

Maybe that happens in emailing, or maybe it happens after the first date. The date wasn’t great and you know you don’t have any feelings for this person, but they were so earnest and nice... maybe you’ll go on a second date before breaking things off.

While you may think you’re being nice, in reality you’re doing a disservice to the both of you. That “nice person” clearly has potential, but not with you - so why are you holding them back and getting their hopes up, when they could be back on the hunt for someone with whom they have real chemistry?

For some, they get hung up in the “nice” way to reject someone. No one wants to be cold and mean, so they put it off. In my opinion, this is one time where it might not hurt to have a “form” letter that you tweak to the individual situation. It can be hard to find the right tone, so once you’ve landed on the right combo, save it! Being honest is the best policy, but that doesn’t mean you have to be blunt.

So as you prepare to plunge into the online dating pool, ask yourself: are you ready to say no as well as yes? If it’s something you already have difficulty with in your life, it can never hurt to do extra preparation. The less you agonize over telling someone no, the more you can focus on finding someone who’s an absolute yes!

Could playing games actually help your relationship?

No, not those kinds of games.

I mean the kinds of games that require consoles and computers.

Thanks to Tokii, games might no longer be the relationship-destroyers they're often considered to be. Tokii is a site designed for busy, modern couples. These days it seems like everyone is juggling work with social lives with family time with other commitments...there's hardly any time left for relationships! Tokii promises to help couples "enjoy a better relationship in just 10 minutes a day" by using technology in a positive way.

Tokii DiscoveryGames are designed to test how well you know your mate. You and your partner log on to the site, then each answer a question for yourself and for your partner, just like the Newlywed Game. At the end the end of the game you both receive points for the responses you guessed right about each other and have the opportunity to add commentary on the answer using the "add a thought" feature. Couples can share the revelations and "A-ha!" moments they had about each other at the end of the round, like "I had no idea you're a fan of country music!"

Tokii also provides ways to understand the responses you receive. At the bottom of every question you have access to jokes, research, and quotes on the topics covered, and through TokiiLab the company offers free information and advice on major relationship issues. You can even read statistics on how other members of the Tokii community answered questions, like the interesting fact that "56 percent of women and 53 percent of men don't ask for what they want in their relationship because they are afraid of what their partner will do or say."

The games come in a variety of different categories, like parenting and politics and travel, providing possible conversation starters on just about every subject that's important in a relationship. Tokii has the potential to help any couple get closer to one another, but I'm especially intrigued by the possibilities it has for those of us who are shy about sharing our thoughts and feelings and for couples in long-distance relationships. It seems like an interesting way to feel close despite the distance, and to open up about difficult subjects in a safe environment. Every question is a good opportunity to encourage couples explore their similarities and differences and determine their ultimate compatibility level.

Let the games begin!