Saying No

If you’ve been out of the dating pool for awhile, or are jumping in for the first time, it’s generally accepted that you’ll have to learn a new skill set, at least temporarily. You might become more conversant in small talk and “making friends” than you have in years. Perhaps you’ll learn exactly what the best camera angles are for your face. But there’s one skill that many forget, and it’s perhaps the most valuable of all - both in love and anywhere else in your life: the ability to say no.

For some, saying no is no big deal. If they know their own mind well enough to know what they do and don’t want, the honest answer will come out of their mouth without thinking about it. Others, however, have been conditioned to be people-pleasers, to think of others’ feelings to the point that they neglect their own. They’ve become known as “dependable” people whom others can always stick with a less desirable job. Unfortunately, if you’re not the greatest at saying no to begin with, the doesn’t doesn’t always magically pop up when you begin dating.

For example, perhaps you get an email from someone that you’re not really interested in. But you know they’re not a terrible person; it’s not a creepy email. And you realize fully how much it stings to get rejected yourself, so you send them an email back. What could it harm?

Maybe that happens in emailing, or maybe it happens after the first date. The date wasn’t great and you know you don’t have any feelings for this person, but they were so earnest and nice... maybe you’ll go on a second date before breaking things off.

While you may think you’re being nice, in reality you’re doing a disservice to the both of you. That “nice person” clearly has potential, but not with you - so why are you holding them back and getting their hopes up, when they could be back on the hunt for someone with whom they have real chemistry?

For some, they get hung up in the “nice” way to reject someone. No one wants to be cold and mean, so they put it off. In my opinion, this is one time where it might not hurt to have a “form” letter that you tweak to the individual situation. It can be hard to find the right tone, so once you’ve landed on the right combo, save it! Being honest is the best policy, but that doesn’t mean you have to be blunt.

So as you prepare to plunge into the online dating pool, ask yourself: are you ready to say no as well as yes? If it’s something you already have difficulty with in your life, it can never hurt to do extra preparation. The less you agonize over telling someone no, the more you can focus on finding someone who’s an absolute yes!