Relationships

Do you feel like online dating can be more puzzling than dating in real life? Do you strike up virtual chemistry with someone and then wonder what happened when they disappear?

While we'd like to think that some witty banter back and forth over email or text will lead to romance or at least a first date, that's not always the case. The truth is, there are a lot of missed opportunities in online dating, just like in real life. There could be many reasons why your match didn't respond back to you, so it's in your best interest not to dwell too long in figuring out why. Instead, focus on your next match and moving forward.

Some things to consider as you're sending a message:

People have busy lives, especially when they're single. You can't send a message and hope to hear back immediately, even if she's indicated she's interested in meeting you. Instead of focusing on one person, message several people and see your response rate. Online dating is to some extent a numbers game. (As one friend told me, messaging ten people doesn't get you anywhere. But a hundred? That's a different story.)

If the disappearing act happens to you again and again, you may want to reconsider how it is you're reaching out. Are you asking her questions about her profile or interests? If your messages sound generic, that might be the problem. A woman needs to know she stands out from the crowd, and that you're not just doing a mass email to get someone's attention. Also, don't bring up all your great qualities or successes, even if you think it sells you. Women are looking to connect with you, not interview you.

Give her some time. Not everyone checks in to see their matches every day, so don't expect to hear back so quickly. It's best to focus on reaching out to more people instead of waiting to hear back from one. And if you don't hear back from your favorite match after a week or more? It's fine to send a follow-up email or text, but don't send more than one. Cut your losses. The key to success is to stop feeling rejected when a match you're interested in stops contacting you. This is the price of online dating - until there's mutual interest and you're both on the same page, it isn't going to work. Sometimes attraction doesn't go both ways, and sometimes the timing isn't right. Instead of analyzing what happened, cut your losses and move on.

Bottom line: If you don't hear back from a match you're interested in, move on. Dating involves a lot of trial and error, so stay positive and keep going.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “trust your gut” before. Call it intuition, or simply your brain piecing together clues without your realizing it - whatever the name, gut instinct can be extremely useful in every stage of the online dating process.

Take, for example, the process of checking out profiles. Try an exercise: look at only the picture and write down what immediate impressions you receive. Does this person look kind? Are they arrogant? Do they seem high-maintenance? Do they have a warm smile? Then read the text of the profile and see if it matches up. If you seem to be consistently “reading” people, and then stumble on to a profile where there’s a complete disconnect, ask yourself why.

That doesn’t mean you should ignore the text! Far from it - it can reveal just as much as pictures, if not more. Sure, it’s been edited and polished, but the inner voice remains. And if there are any actual red flags of bitterness, anger, and so on, those probably remain too, because they tend to slip under the radar of the author. Emails are another place to read between the lines; sure, they’ll probably have more typos than the average profile, but they’re more revealing, too. Does this person seem completely different than their profile? Are they pushy, or are you just getting an “off” feeling?

Naturally, gut instinct is especially important when meeting someone in person for the first time. Because we’re talking to someone, face to face, we’re probably picking up on tiny clues faster than we can think about it. And these don’t all have to be negative, either - have you ever met someone and felt instantly comfortable? Much of what we call “chemistry” is really those snap judgments combined with mutual attraction.

So as you set out on your online dating journey, don’t discount your gut! Sure, it might just be bad sushi; that’s why you have logic to double-check. But it could also be that some part of your brain is a couple steps ahead of you - and it’s already pieced together whether you’re compatible.

Let’s say you’ve found the profile of someone who really piques your interest. They seem to have a lot of common interests, they’re attractive, and you think you might have compatible personalities. The only problem: you don’t fit what they’re looking for. Maybe you’re older than their preferred age range, or you live further away than they’d like. Maybe you smoke. What do you do now?

Well, first try to gauge how emphatic they really are. Are these just arbitrary limits in a chart they had to fill out? If so, maybe they’re not dead-set on finding someone who fits those specifications precisely. Many people just fill in something quickly without thinking too deeply about it - an age range within five years, a random height, and so on. However, if they mention something specifically in their self-summary - say, “Absolutely no people of this political party” - they really mean it.

If it seems that there might be some wiggle room, or you just can’t tell, it can’t hurt to send an email and find out. The worst they can do is say that they aren’t interested; if you don’t take a chance at all, you’ll certainly never have a chance with them. And if they’re willing to look outside of their personal box, the reward may be well worth the risk.

However, the important thing to remember is that if you’re going to send that email, make sure you acknowledge that you don’t quite fit the mold. I’ve heard complaints from countless people who say, “I clearly stated that I was a vegetarian, so why was ‘BBQPete’ sending me an email? Can’t he read?” Explain that you were so intrigued by their profile, you thought you’d take a shot anyway - and then talk about what you do have in common, so the focus remains on something positive.

In theory, the internet provides access to a vast pool of singles. Sure, there are other fish in the sea - but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t attempt a rare catch.

Sometimes it's hard to read someone else's intentions. So for the most part, you make assumptions based on past experiences. And if you've had a few disappointing dates, or met men who have only been interested in hooking up rather than starting a relationship, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that the date sitting across from you is after the same thing.

Most people are looking for chemistry when they date, and the majority of daters are more interested in finding a long-term relationship than just a casual fling. The problem is, we assume that with the availability and ease of meeting new people, the attention span of any one date is less than zero unless there is something he or she finds really compelling - compelling enough to start a relationship. The problem isn't that most people want to hook up. It's that until they find someone who makes them swoon, they like to keep their options open.

The truth is, a lot of people are looking for connection. Men and women approach it differently - for women, it's about intimacy and shared feelings, but for men it's more visual and physical.

So what does this mean? Does one or the other always have to compromise?

I think the important thing to remember is to know what you want, and to communicate well with your dates. It doesn't take a hook-up to know if someone isn't right for you, so don't feel pressured to go that route.

I was once on a date with a man who I found funny, engaging, and really attractive. We met for drinks and I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else for dinner (it was only 8:00). He looked at me kind of awkwardly and said, "I think we're looking for two different things." I thought he was acting strangely, so I said, "how do you know what I'm looking for?" He said, "I'm not interested in dating."

That was all it took - he was honest enough to tell me exactly what he wanted, and though I was disappointed, I wanted to find a relationship, not a hook-up. So we said good-bye and went our separate ways. But if your man or woman is not that direct, it's important to be discerning.

My advice is to look for the following signs:

• Is he sharing anything personal with you, about his life, family, past relationships, etc.?
• Does he keep looking around at other women?
• Does he avoid making plans in advance?
• Does she seem bored or disinterested?
• Does she make excuses when you say you want to see her again?

Bottom line: trust your gut. If she (or he) seems hesitant, distracted, or unable to make plans, she's probably not interested in anything long-term. And if you're interested in something more than a fling, don't just hook up. Give yourself time to know each other.

When it comes to an online dating profile, you can basically divide it mentally into two basic categories: the text and the images. The text comprises the self-summary, as well as the rundown of what you’re looking for. The images are the attention-getters, the bits that appeal to gut instinct and snap judgment (I’d probably include the headline in with images for that very reason). Images make the first impression before the first impression. They say more than what you look like; they can be literal snapshots into your personality. So how can you best take advantage of that fact?

Whether you leave the picture selection until after you’ve proofread your text or whether you want to use them to get jump-start your brain, choosing the right pictures can go hand-in-hand with your creative process. Instead of focusing on what pictures are taken at the best angle, think about what you want to say about yourself. What words, what concepts come to mind?

If it’s your adventurous streak, see if you have photos that represent it. They don’t have to be as obvious as something like skydiving; maybe you have a photo from when you tried octopus at a restaurant. Maybe you visited a major city solo. Maybe you’re working on opening your own business. Just remember: if you’re choosing a photo that tells a story, remember to include a brief caption somewhere so the viewer isn’t completely clueless! A picture of a pyramid might not tell them you literally went backpacking around the world.

Let’s say you’d like to convey honesty. Well, it’s a bit of a gamble, but one step could be posting a picture that’s honest about what you look like. This doesn’t mean that you have to deliberately choose unflattering photos; the camera can lie in one extreme as well as another. However, you could resist the urge to use the editing tool in one photo. Maybe it’s a full-body shot. Including one or two “dressed-down” photos as well as your favorites makes the reader feel like they have a better grasp of who you are - in both your physical appearance and personality.

Just remember, as you make your photo selections, you’re telling a story about who you are. It’s not all about getting the picture with the best hair or the most flattering lighting, or winning a beauty contest; it’s about identifying compatibility with a potential match. If every picture is worth a thousand words, why not make them meaningful ones?

Here's a scenario: You meet someone and instantly click. You date for a while and things get serious. Then she breaks the news to you: she's moving to another state. Her work is relocating her, and it's a great opportunity for her career so she accepts.

Do you call it quits and move on? Or do you try to make it work long-distance?

My general feeling is that long-distance relationships are challenging. If you live in the same city, you have a chance to see your partner a lot if not every day, and get a feel for how to communicate. When the romance fades you can more accurately assess the relationship. However when it's long-distance, there are a lot of additional expectations placed on the relationship and the time you do spend together. It's harder to get to a comfortable place. You are not a part of each other's lives on a day-to-day basis, so it can be confusing.

If you decide that you want to give a long-distance relationship a try, I suggest you take the following steps to make sure you're off to a good start:

Communicate regularly. Every relationship is different, so it's good to establish good communication habits before you live apart. Set time aside for calling or Skyping each other every few days so it's part of your routine. Share as much as you can about your daily life, even the mundane details, so your partner can feel like she's still a part of your life.

Spend time together when possible. If you live on separate continents it's a little difficult to get together in person, but make an effort with each other as you can afford it, even if it's just once a year. If you live driving distance from each other, take advantage of weekends and make that trip - being sure to alternate turns.

Don't stalk. If you send text after text wondering where your partner is or who he's with, you'll drive yourself crazy. Instead of becoming stalker-like when you don't know what's going on in his day, give him some space. Allow him to have his own life. If you question his intentions or his faithfulness to you, then that is a separate conversation to have. Don't make assumptions about his behavior just because he's not with you.

Cultivate your own life. Instead of dreaming about your loved one or texting him all day long, meet new friends and go out often. Take a class or try a new activity you've always dreamt about. Do things to enrich your own life and enjoy what's immediately around you. It will make you happier in any relationship, and less resentful of the distance between you and your partner.