Is He Interested in a Relationship or Just Hooking Up?

Sometimes it's hard to read someone else's intentions. So for the most part, you make assumptions based on past experiences. And if you've had a few disappointing dates, or met men who have only been interested in hooking up rather than starting a relationship, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that the date sitting across from you is after the same thing.

Most people are looking for chemistry when they date, and the majority of daters are more interested in finding a long-term relationship than just a casual fling. The problem is, we assume that with the availability and ease of meeting new people, the attention span of any one date is less than zero unless there is something he or she finds really compelling - compelling enough to start a relationship. The problem isn't that most people want to hook up. It's that until they find someone who makes them swoon, they like to keep their options open.

The truth is, a lot of people are looking for connection. Men and women approach it differently - for women, it's about intimacy and shared feelings, but for men it's more visual and physical.

So what does this mean? Does one or the other always have to compromise?

I think the important thing to remember is to know what you want, and to communicate well with your dates. It doesn't take a hook-up to know if someone isn't right for you, so don't feel pressured to go that route.

I was once on a date with a man who I found funny, engaging, and really attractive. We met for drinks and I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else for dinner (it was only 8:00). He looked at me kind of awkwardly and said, "I think we're looking for two different things." I thought he was acting strangely, so I said, "how do you know what I'm looking for?" He said, "I'm not interested in dating."

That was all it took - he was honest enough to tell me exactly what he wanted, and though I was disappointed, I wanted to find a relationship, not a hook-up. So we said good-bye and went our separate ways. But if your man or woman is not that direct, it's important to be discerning.

My advice is to look for the following signs:

• Is he sharing anything personal with you, about his life, family, past relationships, etc.?
• Does he keep looking around at other women?
• Does he avoid making plans in advance?
• Does she seem bored or disinterested?
• Does she make excuses when you say you want to see her again?

Bottom line: trust your gut. If she (or he) seems hesitant, distracted, or unable to make plans, she's probably not interested in anything long-term. And if you're interested in something more than a fling, don't just hook up. Give yourself time to know each other.