Relationships

We all want to believe in truth-in-advertising, but let's face it: advertising often lies, and so do online daters. Most people online are looking for the same things - companionship, passion, love - and most don't lie to get them, but there are a few bad apples out there spoiling the bunch.

With so many millions of people now looking for love online, it's smart to make your safety a priority. BackgroundCheck.org offers the following facts and figures for singles on spotting liars and making sure your dates' stories check out:

On the types of lies people tell...·

• 81% of people stretch the truth about their height, weight, or age.
• A study found that the average woman describes herself as 8.5 lbs thinner than she really is, while the average man lies by 2 lbs.
• Men lie by a greater magnitude about their height.
• Men's profile photos are, on average, six months old. Women's are a year-and-a-half old.
• Many online daters would admit to being overweight before coming clean about their political beliefs.

Here's what daters think about it...·

• Daters believe a certain amount of fibbing is par for the course - and A-Ok - in an online profile.
• Some believe the penchant for lying online is the result of a tendency to idealize ourselves.
• Others believe online lies come from a strong desire to represent ourselves in the best possible light.
• More often than not, the lies tend to be small. Small lies are easier to keep up after meeting in person.

On how to detect a liar...·

• Liars use negative words - like "not" and "never" - more frequently.
• But they use fewer negative emotion words, like "sad" or "upset."
• They also tend to use fewer first-person pronouns and write shorter personal essays.
• Fabricators are less likely to talk in-depth about the subjects they are lying about in their profiles.

If you want to investigate a date, try this...

• Free Public Records Search: Find info on topics like marriage licenses, inmate records, and more.
• National Sex Offender Registry: Search by name or address to find offenders and predators in your location.
• Department of Corrections website: Visit your state's Department of Corrections site for records on fugitives, offenders' locations, and more.
• People Search Engines: Sites like Pipl and Facebook can offer a wealth of information on a person.
• A Google search: You'd be surprised by how much you can learn using something as simple as a search engine!

See the full infographic here.

There are plenty of tips and tricks out there to help you improve your online dating profile. In fact, there are so many things you could be thinking about that it’s easy to get overwhelmed. However, you don’t have to be a wordsmith to write an effective profile. If you can internalize one simple concept, you’ll start off ahead of the game. It’s one of the most basic rules of writing: “Show, don’t tell.”

The idea is to paint a picture with your words and let your readers draw their own conclusion. For example, what sounds more interesting: “She was sad” or “When she opened her test scores, her shoulders slumped”? In the second example, we might not have been told outright what she was feeling, but it makes a stronger impression.

Now think about some of the profiles you might have seen. It’s not uncommon to find one that either reads like a laundry list of statistics. Even worse are ones with statements like “I’m a great catch” or “I’m really funny.” The writer either comes off as arrogant. They’re trying to be bold or confident, but instead they come off as arrogant or unconvincing. When I read a statement like that, I mentally raise an eyebrow and think, “Oh really? Where’s your proof?”

To circumvent that kind of reaction, you give your proof first and let the readers form their opinion. For example, instead of telling people you’re intelligent, you might share some of your favorite or recent reads. Instead of telling people you’re funny (or trying to be funny, which is hit-and-miss when you’re typing instead of speaking) you might talk about the British comedies you love. Instead of saying you’re compassionate, talk about the causes with which you are involved.

Draw up a list of traits you’d like to share about yourself in your profile, but rather than simply listing them, find examples to back them up and talk about those instead. The reader will feel like their opinions are their own, and they’ll also get a greater insight into you, your personal “voice.” Not to mention the fact that your specific details give much more to talk about when they send you an email.

You might not be writing a work of fiction (in fact, I hope you’re not) but that doesn’t mean you can’t write something that is compelling, entertaining and leaves the reader wanting more! Why not use a tried-and-true rule from the professionals?

Online dating safety: everybody talks about it, but does everybody actually do it?

Sometimes it feels like I see a horror story about online dating every time I log on, and although I know that many stories are sensationalized and most people online aren't dangerous, it's still enough make me stop and think. Online dating is mostly safe, but meeting someone over the Internet just doesn't have the same assurances as meeting someone through a friend or at your favorite local hangout. Looking for the best in everyone is a healthy attitude, but protecting yourself from the hidden dangers that may be lurking online is a smart bet.

For Day Eleven of YourTango's online dating bootcamp, Louann Schwager Tung takes on online dating safety. In the past, Tung says, we turned to people in our community - like parents and close friends - for their matchmaking expertise. We relied on those we trusted most to introduce us to potential dates and to help determine if they would make suitable long-term partners. Now, although the Internet is an incredible resource for love seekers, we lack that community support. That's why it's so important to take safety seriously when dating online.

Online dating safety is like car insurance, Tung explains. More often than not, you won't need it. But if something happens, you'll be glad you have it. Here's what you can do:

• Use a paid online dating service. Money talks! Someone who pays for an online dating service is more likely to serious about the search for a soulmate than someone using a free site. Those who are looking to take advantage of online daters are more likely to gravitate towards sites that don't charge a fee, like Plenty of Fish or even Facebook.

• Use background checks. Some paid dating services perform background checks on members. You can also perform an amateur background check of your own, but Tung firmly believes that a professional background check is well worth the extra cost.

• Be aware of privacy settings. Stay in control of the information you share with strangers online. What can be seen by everyone? What can be seen by your friends? What can only be seen by you? Check your privacy settings on a regular basis, as sites sometimes update them without adequate warning.

• Don't throw caution to the wind. Even if you think you've met the perfect person, don't let your defenses down right away. Remember that it takes time to get to know someone, especially when you meet online. Moving too fast makes you vulnerable to online criminals.

9 times out of 10, cyberspace is a perfectly safe place to meet your match, but it always pays to be safe. Go with your gut and trust your instincts - if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Ten

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Twelve

Some people have no problems having a romantic fling, but they run into trouble when it comes to finding a committed relationship. Well, when it comes to finding a long-term relationship, several requirements must be met - the basic ones that go along with any relationship, and extra factors as well. Perhaps some who have problems finding long-term love are adept at some of the requirements, but not all - so let’s give the most important ones a look.

First, there must be mutual attraction and chemistry. This is pretty much required for any romantic encounter, but that shouldn’t diminish its importance. Lust can diminish over time (or wax and wane), so the stronger base you have in the beginning, the better. And chemistry plays such a big part in the “first impressions” department - it’s hard to even get to the other qualities and considerations if there’s no spark to begin with.

Next, there must be mutual respect. When there’s respect in a relationship, other, positive qualities tend to fall in line naturally: honesty, communication. Some relationship guides try to make this all more complicated than it needs to be, talking about a balance of power, alpha males, job status, and so on, but whether you’re talking about jobs, morals, political preference, or almost anything else, it can usually be boiled down to respect.

Finally, the timing must work out. Yes, it’s entirely possible to find someone who might be a great fit... but whose heart has recently been broken. Or maybe they’re about to go on a mission trip for the next five years. Or perhaps they’ve joined a convent. It can be terribly sad to let a great catch go, and some hurdles are able to be overcome, but the fact of the matter is if the timing isn’t right, it can effectively cripple a relationship, so it’s better to just let it go and maybe revisit it at a later date. Remember, there’s not really such a thing as only “one perfect person” for you! The best thing you can do for your potential-but-doomed match, and yourself, is allow you both to find people that make you happy in the here and now.

To find someone who meets all three of these important factors can sometimes seem as likely as a blue moon - but remember, people fall in love and form long-term relationships every day! And your chances might improve simply by being more aware of what you should be looking for. It’s great to find someone with whom you share common interests or who has smoldering eyes, but do they have the core components for long-term love?

Let's be honest: dating is hard. Nothing shatters your confidence more than rejection from someone you're interested in. One bad experience can stick with you for ages, eating away at your self-esteem bit by bit, even if you've had a hundred good experiences to make up for it.

And to make things even more confusing, confidence is both the sexiest trait out there and one of the most difficult to develop. How's that for frustrating?

Well, the good news is, confidence isn't unattainable. Not by a long shot. The secret to developing confidence, and using that confidence to find love, is to treat it like a journey.

Think of the tale of King Arthur, pulling the sword from the stone and being crowed "the true king." That quest is your quest. Unlocking the secrets of self-confidence is like pulling the sword from the stone. It may seem like an impossible feat, but success is possible if you try.

How does that journey begin? Your journey is personal - and it's the uniqueness that makes the journey so fascinating - but here are some ideas to get you started:·

• Read. It's not enough to only read - reading is nothing if you don't take action - but it's a great first step. Lay the foundation by reading books like Dale Carnegie's famous How To Win Friends And Influence People to develop an understanding of basic social skills. Learn tried-and-true communication strategies that will help you relax, be genuine, and become genuinely interested in other people.
• Fix yourself up. You can't expect other people to feel good about you if you don't feel good about yourself. Do whatever it takes to become awesome. Dress like a rockstar (or a Fortune 500 CEO, or the Marlboro Man, or whatever makes you feel confident and cool). Then, when you're satisfied with the outside, start working on the inside. Ditch your job if it doesn't make you happy. Pursue passions. Try new things. Take classes. Go to the gym. Pick up a new hobby or two. When you're interesting to yourself, you'll be interesting to others.
• Put it all into practice. You can only lay the groundwork for so long. Eventually you're going to have to dive head first into the dating world. If you normal spend evenings at home, make a point of going out. The more social situations you put yourself in, the more opportunities you have to meet someone amazing. And once you're there, start talking to people, even if it's just to say "Hello." Over time, your confidence will grow, your conversations will expand, and your dating horizons will open up.

Do you hear that? Excalibur is calling.

Not everything in dating - or, indeed, in our lives - always goes smoothly. Many of us have had a relationship that’s shaken our confidence: in our judgment, in our self-worth, in the future. If we’ve made such a mistake once (or twice, or even more than that), who’s to say we won’t make one again?

It’s natural to feel hesitant, even a little fearful. In fact, it’s probably a good sign; if you strode out into the dating world undaunted after a traumatic relationship without even questioning what you could change next time, you’d probably be all the more likely to repeat mistakes. It’s good to reflect, to have your eyes open a little wider. What’s not good, however, is living so much in fear and regret about what you’ve done in the past that you refuse to move forward. Here are a few healthier ways to get back on the horse of romance.

First, analyze your last relationship. Remember, you’re just analyzing; you’re not beating yourself up. Try to think about it objectively. Take a piece of paper and write down your thoughts. Is there any way you could have predicted the bad outcome? Remember that some people - predatory people - deliberately change or conceal their personality, and there’s really very few warning signs, so don’t feel bad if you can’t think of a way things could have gone differently.

But maybe you didn’t date someone who set out to hurt you; maybe things just ended poorly. In that case, you might determine if there’s something different you should be looking for, a trait that’s more compatible. Even in bad relationships, you can usually learn something from them, even if it’s about yourself and what you really want.

After you’ve analyzed the past, the key is to put it behind you. That’s why it’s helpful to write it down; it’s a tangible reminder that you’ve been through this process already, so you don’t have to go over it again and again in your head.

The final step is to start looking toward the future with anticipation. Try a new list: positive reminders of what you’re looking for in the future. The trick is to keep it positive: instead of saying you don’t want “a lying jerk,” maybe you’re looking for “honest communication.” And once you have your positive list, you can draw from it when you’re writing or revising your online dating profile.

Looking to jump back in the dating pool can definitely be daunting when your last relationship ended badly, but remember this: almost everyone has a similar story, something or someone they regret. And that includes people who are now in stable, happy, healthy relationships. Don’t let one bad apple affect the future of your dating health; instead, feel confident that you’ll more readily identify rotten fruit in the future.