Relationships

When writing your own online dating profile, it’s natural that what you most focus on is... you. After all, that’s why people are reading it, right? Well, yes and no. Think about how you read when you read the profile of someone else. Are you genuinely interested in the fifteenth random person you’re reading about? Or are you really more interested in how they match up to you, to your interests and your personality?

The truth is, we tend to skim over facts that are less relevant to us and zero in on areas where we match. With this knowledge in mind, it becomes clear that we ought to be spending more time on one area of the profile: the part where we talk about what we’re looking for. After all, they’re sure to be interested if you’re potentially talking about them, right?

Yet many people gloss over this area of their profile - or, worse, turn it into an actual turnoff. Men and women are equal opportunity offenders here; I’ve actually seen the following phrases: “Message me if you’re awesome.” “Email me if you’re a real man.” “I’m looking for someone who’s hot and smart. Email me if you fit the bill.” Wow. No pressure, right? Those kinds of statements pretty much guarantee that the only people who feel confident enough to still contact you probably have egos the size of Oklahoma.

The idea is to actually encourage people to contact you, to make them feel like they just might be a potential match. That’s why it’s important to give lots of “maybes” and options in your description; they’ll zero in on the parts that match, but they don’t feel pressured to be a perfect fit. If they read “You might like rock climbing or cooking,” and they bake a mean souffle but have never scaled a wall, they still might feel confident enough to send that email.

If, however, you write the equivalent of “Only Greek gods and goddesses apply,” you’re potentially scaring off people with real potential, and probably getting the people who only think they’re worthy of Mount Olympus. So when you write up your own profile, make that section work to your advantage - instead of intimidating all but the most delusional.

Creating an online profile can be nerve-wracking. The creators of online dating sites know this, and they want you to be successful (so you can tell all your friends). Thus, some of them try to help you along; they provide surveys, choices, options... basically, lots of stuff to fill out. And that certainly can be helpful; it can definitely help you figure out what you’re looking for and give you that starting nudge. However, at some point, you have to ask yourself: would you actually want to read through all these answers?

Remember, your readers, your potential matches, are just like you: they’re human beings who get bored and prefer to be entertained. Yes, they want to get a general idea of your personality, so they can figure out if compatibility is a possibility. However, chances are that doesn’t hinge on what breakfast cereal you prefer or what characters you’d be from each of your favorite TV shows.

However, that doesn’t mean these sorts of quizzes and surveys are useless. Some of them can be great conversation-starters, and some of them can be fun (for example, if you share the same favorite TV shows). The problem is the quantity; if someone’s profile is laden down with less relevant information, it can be harder to pull out the bits that are really important. More likely, the reader sees they have a novel to read and decide to move on instead.

So here’s what you do: use these questions and surveys as a jumping-off point. Then ask yourself: “What would I be interested in reading?” You’re not incredibly more interesting than the next person, so if you wouldn’t be interested in reading this answer from someone else, move on. Stick with what you find funny or interesting, or vital information (like what you do for a living or the sort of person you’re interested in).

If there’s some quiz that you find hilarious or intriguing, save it for when you’re chatting via email or instant message. Completing a specific quiz together, or comparing answers, can be fun, informative, maybe even intimate. And you’re zeroing in on what’s relevant to the two of you, instead of making your match wade through the white noise to find it.

Ultimately, that’s the key to making a profile stand out: it’s all about eliminating the white noise and distilling it down to something that’s interesting, not too long, and memorable. And the first step in creating such a profile? Be comfortable in the fact that you don’t have to answer every single question that’s put in front of you.

This might sound a little touchy-feely, but let’s all take a moment to think about the concept of (hetero) love. How about phrases we associate with it: “falling in love,” “fell head over heels,” “love at first sight.” Famous love tropes: the star-crossed lovers, the opposites who are inexorably drawn to one another despite their best efforts. The princess who is swept off her feet, sometimes both literally and figuratively. The hero who battles someone or something, and is rewarded with the affections of the maiden. Are you noticing a common theme? I am: in all of these examples, love is something that happens to you. It’s often an entity that doesn’t seem to be connected to anything else. Women, in particular, are pretty passive. Men, when they’re not similarly swept up in the tidal wave of love, are claiming territory, not forming relationships.

However, if you take a fairy tale approach when it comes to love in the real world, you may be setting yourself up for either a long wait, disappointment, or both. This, I think, is one of the reasons why people can have a hard time with dating; their expectations don’t quite match up with reality, and they feel they must be doing something wrong. It’s not that they have vastly misjudged the world; it’s that society leads us to expect something different, even down to the very language we use.

Now, if you ask someone if they expect their romance to match a fairy tale, of course they’ll say no. Still, the actions belie the claims. Women can almost always stand to be just a touch more brave; many are reluctant to send emails, to approach someone, to make eye contact, to “make the first move” or “be forward.”

Men can risk going too far in the opposite direction: when you’re told to be the aggressor and you’ve also got the advantage in terms of size, it’s easy to be intimidating. Yet they hear much more about “the friend zone,” “alpha males” and “manliness” than they do about communication and sensitivity. So how can we get ourselves out of this mess?

Well, start with this: you can’t wait for love to happen to you, and you can’t force it, either. What everyone can do, in the simplest terms, is be more friendly and approachable. Smile, make eye contact, get to know one another, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself or others. Contrary to fairy tales, most relationships start out with friendly small talk, not the slaying of a dragon; these are the skills to focus on. Love isn’t something that happens to you, fully formed; it grows. Work on forming friendships, and you’ll be learning about love as well.

You joined a new online dating site, posted some great pictures and created your profile. You were excited to get started, but now three weeks into it, you realize that all of the men reaching out to you are not your type - at all. You get emails and winks from them, but you have no desire to date them. What do you do? And more importantly, what went wrong?

I always tell people to keep an open mind when online dating. Most people will surprise you - the ones who look good in their pictures might not look so hot in real life, but the person you were on the fence about could end up being your best date ever. You just never know, so people deserve the benefit of the doubt.

That said, if you're getting responses from people who are definitely not your type, there could be a problem with how you're portraying yourself. It's important to be honest and clear about who you are or what you want. So how can you get the right ones to email?

Create a more honest profile. If you have a distinct preference for your type, such as race, ethnicity, religion, political views, etc., state them so you don't waste your time or others'. Don't dance around the subject. (A word of advice: if you are strict about dating inside your race or religion, then you may want to check out some niche dating sites instead.)

Write a description that's more accurate. While you'd like to run five miles every day, if you don't - then don't claim this in your profile. Same thing with sailing, salsa dancing, watching football, or whatever - if you normally don't do these things, don't say it's something you like to do. Because when they invite you to join them in training for a marathon, you'll have to come clean. And besides, don't you want to meet people who share your interests? If you like spending all day Sunday watching movies, then admit you're a movie buff. Don't try to pretend you know what other people will find attractive and cater your profile to it. (And a general rule of thumb: don't lie about things - either by using old pictures, or fudging your age, your income, etc.)

Don't be vague. If you're not specific about what you want, then you're inviting anyone to contact you. I'm not saying you should make a list, but figure out the most important qualities/values you'd like in a date - and be honest about whether you're looking for a relationship or just some fun.

Adjust your filters. I like to say keep your filters open, but if you have a radius of 3,000 miles and you keep getting responses from people halfway across the country, please minimize! There's no need to form an online relationship when there are plenty of people in your own town or city to date. Be flexible but have a little discretion when it comes to what you want.

I’ve often stated before that no matter how a relationship ends up, you’ve at least probably learned something about yourself - about what you’re really looking for, how you handle conflict, something specific to you and relationships. However, some people take the concept a little too far; they start thinking of their previous relationships as guidebooks for their current ones.

A friend, “Lucy,” broke up with her old boyfriend about a year ago. It was a long overdue breakup, as he was domineering and controlling, and it took awhile for Lucy to find her voice and realize she didn’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship. Now she’s happily dating someone who is completely unlike her ex - but when they recently had a disagreement, old troubles began to stir in Lucy.

“It was just a difference of opinion,” she said, “but I learned from my last relationship that I was going to make myself heard! I wasn’t going to back down.”

Not bad in theory; in this particular instance, however, the disagreement was over an easily-checked fact. Lucy was in the wrong. But even when faced with the facts, Lucy simply refused to back down. “I didn’t want to feel like I was just going along with it, like I used to.”

Now, some will call this a simple case of “baggage.” However, it’s also a slightly more extreme example of what a lot of people do; they approach a new relationship like it’s the same, or will be the same, as their last one. Ask yourself: would you take the experiences of another couple as an exact template for your own relationship? Probably not; you’d know that you and your partner are two individuals who make a unique combo. Different things might work for you.

Similarly, a new relationship is a new, unique combo. Yes, one half may be the same - but is it really? You’re entering into it at a different time in your life, with new life experiences. And this new person might bring out completely different aspects of your personality.

Thus, as you go on dates and enter into new relationships, remember: you’re starting fresh. You can take the knowledge you’ve gained from past relationships with you, but don’t let it dictate the course of something new.

If you're online dating, chances are you'll encounter a divorced man. If you've never been married yourself, does this thought make you a little uneasy? Before you go running for the hills, have a little perspective.

It's good to start by asking yourself some simple questions - ones you'd be asking with any man you date. Is he a good person? Does he treat you well? Is there chemistry? These are important things to notice, and these kind of questions can help guide you through dating. After all, not every person who's right for us comes in the package we expect.

Of course, divorced men may come with more complications than a man who's never married, but they also have been in a committed relationship and know what it takes. So I've put together a few tips to keep in mind as you're dating, so you know what to expect and what to look forward to:

Let the relationship flow. Maybe you're interested in a committed relationship, marriage, etc., but take don't delve into this subject on your first or second date. Refrain from asking him if he's willing to marry again. He has to get comfortable with you first. Give him a little time to get to know you before you put him on the spot about what he wants in life. It didn't work out the first time, so cut him some slack. If he really wants to make sure it works with you, it means getting to know you and letting the relationship take its course.

Don't become his therapist. Men and women can be bitter after a divorce, especially if they are the ones who were left. Don't put yourself in the position of therapist, constantly analyzing what went wrong of how poorly his ex treated him. Create a new relationship together without constantly rehashing the old. If he remains stuck in the past, then it's time for you to move on.

Know his complications. Divorced men have ex wives who may figure into their lives, especially if there are children. If he takes a phone call from his child in the middle of a romantic dinner, or has to cancel an evening because his ex needs him to take the kids, have some understanding of these extra demands on his time. Give him space to take care of his business and recognize that you don't always come first.

Appreciate his experience. Sure, he might have been married before, but that doesn't make him scared of relationships. In fact, he knows better what a commitment takes. And a real plus - he's probably more realistic and willing to compromise.

Maintain your sense of self. It might be easy to get wrapped up in his world, but don't put yours on hold. It's important to maintain your friendships and make your own plans. Have fun, and let the relationship move forward at its own pace.