Fairy Tales and Friendships

This might sound a little touchy-feely, but let’s all take a moment to think about the concept of (hetero) love. How about phrases we associate with it: “falling in love,” “fell head over heels,” “love at first sight.” Famous love tropes: the star-crossed lovers, the opposites who are inexorably drawn to one another despite their best efforts. The princess who is swept off her feet, sometimes both literally and figuratively. The hero who battles someone or something, and is rewarded with the affections of the maiden. Are you noticing a common theme? I am: in all of these examples, love is something that happens to you. It’s often an entity that doesn’t seem to be connected to anything else. Women, in particular, are pretty passive. Men, when they’re not similarly swept up in the tidal wave of love, are claiming territory, not forming relationships.

However, if you take a fairy tale approach when it comes to love in the real world, you may be setting yourself up for either a long wait, disappointment, or both. This, I think, is one of the reasons why people can have a hard time with dating; their expectations don’t quite match up with reality, and they feel they must be doing something wrong. It’s not that they have vastly misjudged the world; it’s that society leads us to expect something different, even down to the very language we use.

Now, if you ask someone if they expect their romance to match a fairy tale, of course they’ll say no. Still, the actions belie the claims. Women can almost always stand to be just a touch more brave; many are reluctant to send emails, to approach someone, to make eye contact, to “make the first move” or “be forward.”

Men can risk going too far in the opposite direction: when you’re told to be the aggressor and you’ve also got the advantage in terms of size, it’s easy to be intimidating. Yet they hear much more about “the friend zone,” “alpha males” and “manliness” than they do about communication and sensitivity. So how can we get ourselves out of this mess?

Well, start with this: you can’t wait for love to happen to you, and you can’t force it, either. What everyone can do, in the simplest terms, is be more friendly and approachable. Smile, make eye contact, get to know one another, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself or others. Contrary to fairy tales, most relationships start out with friendly small talk, not the slaying of a dragon; these are the skills to focus on. Love isn’t something that happens to you, fully formed; it grows. Work on forming friendships, and you’ll be learning about love as well.