Taking Knowledge, Not Baggage
- Sunday, October 07 2012 @ 09:45 pm
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 939
I’ve often stated before that no matter how a relationship ends up, you’ve at least probably learned something about yourself - about what you’re really looking for, how you handle conflict, something specific to you and relationships. However, some people take the concept a little too far; they start thinking of their previous relationships as guidebooks for their current ones.
A friend, “Lucy,” broke up with her old boyfriend about a year ago. It was a long overdue breakup, as he was domineering and controlling, and it took awhile for Lucy to find her voice and realize she didn’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship. Now she’s happily dating someone who is completely unlike her ex - but when they recently had a disagreement, old troubles began to stir in Lucy.
“It was just a difference of opinion,” she said, “but I learned from my last relationship that I was going to make myself heard! I wasn’t going to back down.”
Not bad in theory; in this particular instance, however, the disagreement was over an easily-checked fact. Lucy was in the wrong. But even when faced with the facts, Lucy simply refused to back down. “I didn’t want to feel like I was just going along with it, like I used to.”
Now, some will call this a simple case of “baggage.” However, it’s also a slightly more extreme example of what a lot of people do; they approach a new relationship like it’s the same, or will be the same, as their last one. Ask yourself: would you take the experiences of another couple as an exact template for your own relationship? Probably not; you’d know that you and your partner are two individuals who make a unique combo. Different things might work for you.
Similarly, a new relationship is a new, unique combo. Yes, one half may be the same - but is it really? You’re entering into it at a different time in your life, with new life experiences. And this new person might bring out completely different aspects of your personality.
Thus, as you go on dates and enter into new relationships, remember: you’re starting fresh. You can take the knowledge you’ve gained from past relationships with you, but don’t let it dictate the course of something new.
A friend, “Lucy,” broke up with her old boyfriend about a year ago. It was a long overdue breakup, as he was domineering and controlling, and it took awhile for Lucy to find her voice and realize she didn’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship. Now she’s happily dating someone who is completely unlike her ex - but when they recently had a disagreement, old troubles began to stir in Lucy.
“It was just a difference of opinion,” she said, “but I learned from my last relationship that I was going to make myself heard! I wasn’t going to back down.”
Not bad in theory; in this particular instance, however, the disagreement was over an easily-checked fact. Lucy was in the wrong. But even when faced with the facts, Lucy simply refused to back down. “I didn’t want to feel like I was just going along with it, like I used to.”
Now, some will call this a simple case of “baggage.” However, it’s also a slightly more extreme example of what a lot of people do; they approach a new relationship like it’s the same, or will be the same, as their last one. Ask yourself: would you take the experiences of another couple as an exact template for your own relationship? Probably not; you’d know that you and your partner are two individuals who make a unique combo. Different things might work for you.
Similarly, a new relationship is a new, unique combo. Yes, one half may be the same - but is it really? You’re entering into it at a different time in your life, with new life experiences. And this new person might bring out completely different aspects of your personality.
Thus, as you go on dates and enter into new relationships, remember: you’re starting fresh. You can take the knowledge you’ve gained from past relationships with you, but don’t let it dictate the course of something new.
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