Relationships

Recently I was asked to look at a profile and see if I could come up with any tips for overhauling it completely. I gave it a peek, and was surprised; it wasn’t bad. Really not bad. In fact, I’d call it good.

I looked up, confused. “What’s the trouble with it?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Oh, you know. I just feel like it’s stagnating.”

I can understand that. After a certain point, the emails slow down to a trickle, it feels like everyone has seen your profile already, and you want to mix it up, maybe draw in new custom searches. “I see. So how have things been going for you?”

He shrugged again. “I’ve had several dates in the past few months. About the same as it’s always been.”

Perhaps I just have lowered expectations, but I don’t think a new date every few weeks is stagnating. And this was not a dropoff from some original high, either. Instead of a trickle, it sounds more like a steady stream.

My acquaintance was not suffering from a profile that needed help; instead, he was feeling at loose ends. He’d spent quite a bit of time tweaking his profile originally, and now he just wants to keep picking at it, even if it doesn’t need it.

Why? Well, maybe it’s because we feel like by improving our profile, we’re improving our chances at finding love. We feel more in control of the situation. It can be scary to think that some aspects have to be left up to chance, so we focus on the elements we have a say in - namely, the profile.

But at a certain point, it becomes wasted energy. Why mess with something that is not only deemed universally acceptable, but that is actually producing results?

There’s nothing wrong with freshening up your profile from time to time; in fact, it’s recommended! But if you find yourself with an urge to “fix” something that you know isn’t broken, consider a few alternatives:

If the profile has been bringing in sufficient interest, try focusing your energy on honing a different skill - writing that first email, making small talk. If a long-term relationship is what you’re seeking, try not to focus on the numbers, but rather look for progress in the duration of individual dates and relationships. Focus on the second date, on making a connection, on figuring out what you really want.

Understand that, ultimately, chance does play a role in finding love. Sometimes we all go through dry spells, and we don’t know everything about chemistry. You’re searching for a partner, not trying to create one out of a random person. Being more at peace with that can actually have a positive effect; you’ll be less anxious, less clouded with worry, and more able to determine if you actually are compatible.
So, instead of sitting down to pick at your profile once more, try taking a breath and diverting your energies elsewhere. Yes, it can be a difficult lesson to learn; but if spending time on other, more useful skills, whether it’s patience or the art of conversation, can only improve your relationships in the long run.

I once knew a couple that seemed to be on the same page in almost every regard - household issues, problem-solving, even making dinner. They worked well together nearly all of the time. Except for one area: dancing.

They first tried to take dancing lessons before their wedding, and it was a disaster. They snapped at each other, they lost patience. Eventually they quit the lessons altogether. There was no fancy dance number at the reception, though everyone managed to have a good time regardless.

Still, they viewed the dance disaster as a bit of a “couple’s failure,” and a few years later they decided to try a different dance class, to conquer it once and for all. Still terrible. They weren’t learning anything and they weren’t having fun. Dance had defeated them once again.

They never could figure out why dancing together eluded them. They navigated foreign cities, fixed burst pipes, and handled illnesses as a team; why couldn’t they manage this? Perhaps it was that it was something that was out of both their comfort zones; neither one could really step up and be the leader. Luckily, dancing wasn’t very important to them, except as a challenge, so their lives aren’t particularly lacking without it.

But imagine how everything might have been different if they’d decided to tackle dancing on their very first date. How different might their snappishness and inability to work together have seemed then? Would they have even made it to a second date, or would they have given up on the relationship instead of the dancing?

It’s often a good idea to go on a date that allows you to work together, and it’s surely not a bad idea to see how your date operates with stress and pressure before you commit and make a life together. However, I’d be wary of placing too much emphasis, or making too much of a metaphor, out of only one activity.

If there’s one activity or challenge where you tend to clash, that’s one thing - that’s a potential quirk that has to be worked around, like the couple that loves taking vacations but hates traveling together to get there. Now, if you can’t do anything from making a bowl of pasta to putting together a jigsaw puzzle without things turning ugly, that’s something else again.

So as you go on your dates, if you encounter someone who truly seems perfect but the date itself was off, think carefully and listen to gut instincts as well. Are you seeing a red flag - or have you simply encountered your dancing lesson?

Have you ever showed up for an online date expecting to meet one person, and gotten another? She looks nothing like her picture, and her personality seems far from the cute, funny girl you thought you were going to meet. Do you feel cheated? Does it make you want to run away?

Unfortunately, I hear these stories more often than I should. Online dating leaves a lot of room for embellishment, but what do you do if you feel "stuck" on a date with someone you didn't ask for in the first place?

One man told me that once he excused himself to go to the bathroom and made a beeline for the exit, leaving his date stuck with the bill and wondering what happened to him. I don't recommend this tactic. Sure, maybe he felt cheated, but that's no reason to behave badly yourself.

On the other hand, you don't want to politely suffer through a date when you're seething on the inside. That's not good for either of you, and a big waste of time. Instead, I recommend being upfront about how you feel and going your separate ways. Then hopefully going forward, your date (and maybe you!) will think twice about misleading people in a profile.

But first, I recommend taking an objective look at your date before jumping to any conclusions. If she is a few pounds heavier than the "athletic" figure she described herself as having, it is better to cut her some slack. After all, I think everyone wants to portray themselves in the most flattering way possible. But if she's blatantly lying, saying she's been training for a marathon but is clearly overweight and avoids talking about her exercise habits, or saying she's twenty-five when she's obviously in her late forties, then there's a problem. And likely you're not the first she's tried to deceive just to get to meet you in person.

I think it's better to clear the air up front. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but let your date know that you were expecting someone else based on her profile. If she lied about her age, or weight, or her general appearance, don't list her flaws but tell her that you're disappointed and a little untrusting because she didn't accurately portray herself. If you're thinking about fudging these areas a little yourself - either with your photos or with your descriptions - don't. You don't want to start any date off on the wrong foot.

There's no need to embarrass someone because you feel cheated. It's better to recognize that it happened, make your point, and move on. They will get the message.

When we're dating, it's natural to ask friends and family for advice and perspective on things. For instance, if you had a bad date, you might feel better talking about it with friends who sympathize. Or if you're confused by someone's actions, it might help give you some clarity to discuss and analyze it with your friends.

And what about when you introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to your friends or family for the first time? Are you anxious that they get along, or that they have nice things to say about each other? Do you second-guess your decision to date the person if your best friend doesn't like him?

A study came out recently from the University of Missouri, claiming that comments your Facebook friends leave on your profile picture strongly affect your level of perceived physical, social and professional attractiveness. In other words, what other people say about you carries more weight than how you present yourself to the world. References are everything, not only in your job, but in your social life.

Seoyeon Hong, a doctoral candidate in journalism, and Kevin Wise, an associate professor, worked on the study together, and found that the more comments (particularly the positive ones) users have, the more attractive they're perceived to be. According to Hong, "opinions of other people matter more than the target person's own self-presentation."

So what does this mean? According to Hong, it's time to start managing your Facebook profile more carefully. If you have friends who make snarky comments, you might want to monitor them. Not only are potential employers looking and gathering information about you this way, but so are your dates. And if other people make snide comments about you, then it's easier for strangers to believe them to be true.

If this is how we gather information about someone on Facebook, it must carry over to real life. How many times do we judge others by what their friends and co-workers say about them? Have you ever been talked out of dating somebody because a mutual friend said they were bad news? Do you regret not giving them a chance?

Facebook is influencing our lives in countless ways, but perhaps it's also bringing to light the things we haven't admitted to ourselves - like the fact that we really do care a lot about what those close to us think, even though we might pretend to ignore it. And maybe it will give us pause before we rush to judgment on somebody. After all, just because someone doesn't care for them on Facebook doesn't mean that they aren't worth getting to know. It's up to each of us to decide how much we want to believe others, and how much to find out for ourselves.

The Internet isn't usually known for the civility of its inhabitants - and one might argue that the general anarchy that reigns over the Web is a major part of its charm - but every once in a while a little politeness is exactly what the doctor ordered.

The question is...what exactly passes for etiquette online? I don't remember a lot of Ann Landers columns on the subject.

Thankfully, Zoosk has come to the rescue with its latest survey. Zoosk surveyed thousands of members about proper etiquette on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. It looks like pretty much everyone - both singles and couples - have embraced social media, but most are cautious about how much they reveal about their love lives online.

Here's what they had to say...

Social media can clash with professional ambitions.

• 60% of participants said they are cautious about posting romantic posts on their social media profiles, for fear that their co-workers might react negatively.
• 64% admitted that they would be more likely to post about their love lives if they weren't Facebook friends with fellow employees.
• 38% have a strict no-dating-related-posts policy.

Men and women have different views on date night updates.

• Women are more interested in their friends date night updates than men.
• 51% of women said they like to see their friends' romantic photos and statuses.
• But only 37% of men said the same.

Technology, for all its faults, can be beneficial to relationships too.

• Technology is used for both private and public expressions of love.
• 81% of couples say they use technology to interact with each other throughout the day.
• 60% of couples say the main role social media plays in their relationship is public declarations of love, or sharing updates on their relationship with family and friends. Who doesn't secretly want to show off, just a little bit?

Texting is a lot more romantic than it seems.

• 78% of Zoosk users prefer a romantic text to an affectionate Facebook post or Tweet. Ok, maybe we're not such big show offs after all...

If you're ready to join the tech-savvy masses and incorporate social media into your love life, the experts offer the following advice:

• Use your professional filter. If you wouldn't say it in a job interview, don't post it to your social media profile. Better safe than sorry.
• Utilize privacy functions. They're there for a reason! Keep your personal and professional lives separate.
• Stay on the same page. How much is your partner comfortable revealing online? Have an open, honest discussion about your respective comfort levels and only post what you're both willing to share publically.

For more information on the dating site which brought us this survey you can check out our Zoosk review.

When it comes to relationships - starting them, maintaining them, even ending them - communication is undoubtedly key. Weirdly enough, though it’s a skill that is incredibly important to our lives, it’s something we’re usually left to muddle through alone. As such, we tend to underestimate its importance - especially when we’re not actively having a problem.

“I don’t need to work on communication,” you may scoff. “I’ve maintained relationships with my friends and family my entire life, and no one hates me yet. How is a romantic relationship any different?”

It’s not that a romantic relationship is “different” - it’s that it’s “more.” Consider a few of the basic types of relationships you may have already experienced: There are the loving relationships of your family - people you may not always like, but you do love unconditionally. There’s the relationship with your best friend - someone who takes up the majority of your social life because you enjoy being around them more than anyone else. There’s the relationship with a roommate - someone who shares your personal space, who’s most likely to step on your toes (literally and figuratively), annoy you with day-to-day inconsiderateness , but also be a source of comfort and companionship.

Now, a long-term, committed, romantic relationship: all of the above. Plus a few “minor” issues like commitment, jealousy, intimacy... And if you’re living together, you see each other potentially more than anyone else; more time to have a potential misunderstanding. It’s no wonder that problems can get so complicated between lovers, as an issue here is expressed there and it bleeds into other areas of life!

However, there’s no reason to get intimidated or create problems where there are none. Just remember this: clear communication is probably the key to avoiding countless deeper arguments and problems. So when it comes to your relationship, keep an open mind. Check in with each other. Remember that new stress can upset the “balance,” and that’s always a good time to stay even more in touch. Once you’ve formed good habits, it will feel like second nature and not be “work” at all. And rather like brushing your teeth, a little periodic maintenance is far easier in the long run than repairing something that’s festered and grown.