Relationships

If you’ve participated in online dating before, you’ve probably heard that in addition to using reason and making careful choices, you should also listen to your gut instinct. Indeed, this is probably the combination you should be using all the time, in every decision you make! Traditionally, you’ve probably heard about “listening to your gut” when it comes to issues of safety; whether it’s a premonition or just your brain putting together tiny clues on a deep level, it’s true that listening to a “bad feeling” is generally a good idea (better safe than sorry, after all). But listening to your gut can be useful in other areas of dating as well.

Have you ever made a snap judgment about someone the moment you met, only to be proven right in the end? Not about something superficial, like what they do for a living; something along the lines of whether they’re a good person or not. It’s possible to experience an instant dislike, rather like the opposite of chemistry; it’s also possible to immediately feel comfortable with someone. Perhaps you’ve already experienced this with one of your close friends.

Listening to these gut reactions can prove to be valuable, if only because they can save you time. If you feel, on some level, a dislike or an aversion to someone, why fight it? I’ve known people who have gone on second or third dates with someone they weren’t thrilled about simply because they couldn’t put their finger on what they didn’t like and they wanted to “give them a fair chance.” It’s entirely possible that there was nothing “wrong” with their date; they were just quite literally incompatible. So why waste time on dates that are falling flat, when they could both be looking for someone for whom it was much easier?

On the other hand, an “instant like” can tell you that it’s worth pursuing someone, even if you might not have very much in common on the surface. Some people just click, despite all their differences. I know a woman who instantly clicked with someone, and almost threw it all way; she worried about their conflicting politics and views and was very much in her own head. Luckily, she didn’t give up on the relationship, and the differences turned out to be not as pressing as she’d feared.

What if your gut instincts are telling you... nothing? Don’t worry! Some people take longer to loosen up than others, so you haven’t gotten a read on your compatibility. Or maybe your “gut” just doesn’t work like that, and you interpret the information you’re getting in some other way. Don’t feel that you have to feel an “instant like” or “love at first sight;” most relationships start with a spark and grow - they don’t spontaneously burst into flame. However, if your instincts are telling you something one way or another, it’s usually a good idea to at least seriously consider them.

Listening to your gut doesn’t always have to be in matters of safety; in fact, if we’re already used to weighing our instincts along with our rational knowledge, we’ll be all the more equipped to listen if we get a strong message one way or another. And let’s face it; when it comes to love, so much of it is based on nebulous, unquantifiable “feelings” and “chemistry” - so we might as well be listening.

Sometimes we receive advice and do our best to follow it - whether it's having good manners on a date, being respectful, putting the cell phone away, or being honest about who we are in our profiles. After all, we would want to be treated the same way.

But what happens when your dates don't return the same courtesy?

One of the toughest things about dating is that we expect others to treat us with the same respect and consideration that we put forth. It's the Golden Rule that we all learned in kindergarten: "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." So why don't people follow this in their twenties, thirties, or even forties or more?

Some dates we meet seem rude, some clueless, some just ego-centric or mean. So, what do you do - speak your mind, stay silent and endure it for another half hour, or cut your losses and get out?

Unfortunately, you can't change the behavior of others. You can only change your reaction to them. Which means that the decision about how you handle this type of date says more about you than it does about your date's overall behavior.

Following are some guidelines to help you cope the next time your date isn't behaving so well:

Don't judge so quickly. Instead of jumping to conclusions that your date is so awful, poor-mannered, or just plain unattractive, stop yourself. It's possible - probable even - that they are nervous, especially if it's a first date, and it's not an accurate picture of how they are in real life. Consider giving them a second chance.

If they make racist or sexist remarks, let them know it offends you. There's no need to sit through a date who's spewing hatred at every turn. That's not what you signed up for, so politely excuse yourself and let them know that you're not a match and you want to save both of you some time.

If you have to cut the date short, do it politely and truthfully. Tell them you're not interested, or you don't feel connection. You don't have to lie and say you're not feeling well or something has come up at work.

Accept that bad dates come with the territory, but you will have some good dates, too. Not every date is going to meet your expectations. This is part of dating, and part of life in general, so it's best to shake it off and move on, instead of endlessly analyzing what went wrong or how horrible it was. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on to a better date.

Accept that this isn't something "being done" to you. There's nobody out there preventing you from meeting someone special. You can't predict people, and you can't predict dates, either. Accept that you will meet good dates, too - even if you've had a streak of bad ones.

Move on past your anger. It's important to maintain perspective when dating. Embrace the fact that love is out there, and that you will find it. Don't judge the timing.

I read an article recently about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, (who have been dating now for several months), stating that he's getting a little weary of her controlling nature. But then, he's a bit controlling, too. How do two controlling personalities get along in love?

I don't know if this is the case with Kanye and Kim, but it raises an interesting question. Many singles - both men and women - like to take control not only of their careers and social lives, but of their romantic lives. Being assertive is helpful for achieving ambitious goals no doubt, but is it necessary for a happy relationship, or is it better to let things take their own course?

I know many men and women who approach their love lives with the same tenacity they have for their careers. They have goals, and they want certain things - despite what their boyfriends or girlfriends are able to and capable of giving them.

For instance, let's take the example of a successful career woman. She makes a lot of money, and she works long hours. She might expect her boyfriend to be available when she wants to be with him, but doesn't reciprocate and make time for him. Or maybe she doesn't like the fact that he's not as successful and pushes him to be more ambitious or to make more money.

Or there is another type of controlling behavior that can take place in a relationship. If one person isn't willing to compromise, to meet the other halfway in arguments, lifestyle, or decisions, it will be very tough to move the relationship forward. For instance, if a man is dating a woman and expects her to change the way she dresses, or demands that she take an interest in all the things that matter to him, or allow his needs and schedule to take priority over hers, they are headed for trouble.

Relationships aren't power exchanges. In order for two people to happily co-exist in a romantic relationship, there must be allowances for both people's needs. If one or both try to control how the relationship evolves or how the other behaves, it doesn't leave much room for compromise, tenderness, or understanding.

If you tend to take control in relationships, ask yourself what you fear will happen if you let go, if you let the relationship take its own course. Are you afraid you'll be vulnerable or hurt? Are you afraid your girlfriend or boyfriend might not respect or love you? Or that they might leave you? These are important questions, and understanding what drives you will help you better overcome these types of relationship hurdles.

The goal of any healthy relationship includes two partners who feel heard, understood, and loved. It's important to grow with each other, rather than to control each other and the outcome.

You have your own personal list of what you can do without and what you can't deal with in a relationship...but have you ever wondered how it compares to other daters' lists?

eHarmony collected data from over 700,000 singles to reveal the top 10 qualities people value most in a lover and the 10 qualities that are least important when searching for your match.

The overwhelming majority voted friendship into the top spot on the must-haves list (92% for women and 82% for men). No surprise there...as much as we are all occasionally guilty of being blinded by a nice smile or a pretty pair of eyes, it's no secret that a strong friendship is at the root of every enduring relationship.

Good chemistry was rated the second most important trait in a mate, followed by "Enjoying the way my partner makes me feel." Interestingly, "physical closeness" made it into the top 10 but "sexual compatibility" did not - with one notable exception. Sexual compatibility was more important for respondents aged between 35 and 39. Perhaps we reach our sexual peak later than we think we do?

"Men still tend to rank physical appearance and intimacy higher than women, but overall less than half of all respondents think physical appearance is an important quality in their partner," said eHarmony's Sarah Mason.

Other matters that seemed as though they should be important turned out to be trivial. A person's smoking and drinking habits, age, personal beliefs, and education proved to be relatively insignificant when looking for a potential partner.

In order, eHarmony found that the 10 most important qualities when looking for love are:

1. Friendship
2. Chemistry
3. Enjoying the way I feel around my partner
4. Being open about how he/she feels towards me
5. Personality
6. Kindness
7. Romantic attraction
8. Being able to talk about personal problems
9. Being able to discuss how I feel about him/her
10. Physical closeness

And then 10 least important qualities are:

1. My partner's beliefs
2. The amount they smoke
3. Age
4. The amount they drink
5. Ethnicity
6. Height
7. Education
8. Income
9. Religion
10. Knowing they are to blame when things go wrong

"(These results show) we're seeking true compatibility and personal connections," explained Sarah Mason, "and that despite what we may think and agonise over, habits and physical traits really don't account for much when it comes to finding a long term partner."

To find out more about the dating service which calculated the top 10 qualities people value most, please read our eHarmony review.

Going through a divorce is a major life shift, and it's not something that you can get over by rushing to get back out there and date. It's important to resist jumping back in, even if you're lonely and just want some company. Give yourself some time to be alone and process everything you've been through. Allow yourself to date when you're ready - there are no time limits, and the process of letting go is different for everyone, and may take longer if you have children.

Another point to consider when dating after divorce - depending on how long you were married, the dating atmosphere has changed significantly over the past decade, so you might find yourself in unfamiliar territory. Don't worry, it will just take some time to understand how it works.

So if you're ready to dip your toe into the dating pool and see what happens, there are a few steps to take to prepare yourself for the ride.

Take baby steps. If you want to date, start off slow. Don't join three different sites and make plans to meet your dates four nights a week, hoping to get to the relationship faster. Dating doesn't really work that way, so pace yourself so you don't have burnout and you're not in over your head.

Ask friends for help. If you'd like to revamp your wardrobe, or get help with your profile, call on a friend to help. If you have other divorced or single friends who are currently dating, even better to get their input. Friends can help with your online profile, too. Often they are better cheerleaders on our behalf than we are.

Utilize technology. There aren't many "rules" anymore - like waiting three days to call someone back so you don't look eager. Let go of your preconceived notions, because they aren't true anymore. Also, start using technology. Sign up for online dating. Text your dates to schedule when and where to meet, or to keep flirtations going after a first or second date.

Refrain from conversations about your ex. This is hard to do, especially if you're dating another divorced person, but refrain from ex talk - even if you have things in common as far as your divorce. You want to start off on a new foot, not rehashing the past, which can put off a date and make you feel worse. Keep the conversation light and focus on just having a good time without all the heaviness and expectations.

Understand what you want. Be aware of what you've learned from your past relationships, and know what you want in your next relationship. Don't be afraid to just have fun or want something serious. Set your intention, whether it's another long-term thing or just some company. Be honest with yourself.

Have fun! Don't take dating too seriously. This is a good time to just have fun and get to know yourself in a new way. Happy dating!

She prepared for the date like it was any other date. She had her hair styled and her nails painted, bought sexy new lingerie, and dressed in her most glamorous outfit. A little nervous, but excited to refresh her love life, she entered the restaurant and found her date.

He was attractive, but it wasn't just about physical attraction for her. She'd felt they'd clicked ever since they started chatting on an online dating site. After dinner they moved to a bar, and ended their night in an inner-city hotel room. The date was, by all accounts, a success.

"My relationship with Frank started with emails and texts," Louise told the Herald Sun, "and then we chatted on the phone and those phone conversations became longer and more personal. He'd shared what was going on in his life and I'd done the same. So although that dinner date was our first meeting, I felt I already knew Frank. I felt comfortable with him before I even saw him."

There was just one catch: Louise had been married for 13 years.

Louise was one of 15 million men and women around the world who had joined Ashley Madison, the infamous dating site for infidelity that launched in Australia in 2010. "I joined Ashley Madison for company, not to find a replacement for my husband," she explained. "I wanted excitement and more affection. My husband is always busy or tired. Time's ticking by and I want something more."

Kay had been married for 3 years and with her partner for 10 when she decided to join Ashley Madison. Her illusions of a happy family life were shattered when she discovered that her husband had cheated on her. When she had a chance to do the same, she didn't feel guilty about her choice. "Knowing I was attractive to someone else gave my confidence such a lift," she said. "There are a lot of guys in the same situation as me - kids, a loveless marriage and not getting what they want from their partner."

Helen explains her reason for cheating in just one word: boredom. "My husband works and I've been left to do everything. My life was working and raising kids. I lost myself," Helen said. "I met a guy about a year ago and we're still seeing each other. Our marriages are very similar we both have partners who aren't very motivated to make the most of life."

Readers: Have you had an affair? Would you?