Relationships

Spend any time near an “inspirational” message, especially on the Internet, and you’ve probably come across this line: “Before you meet your Prince Charming, you have to kiss a lot of frogs.” While there are many metaphors one could choose when describing the dating scene, I find this one particularly inaccurate and borderline offensive.

First, it employs the same immature tactic often seen on sitcoms and in teenage relationships - the assumption that anything less than a “happily ever after” was naturally a horrific ordeal. True, some people find that, by the end of a relationship, the word “frog” is one of the most gentle names they can come up with, but by and large, most dates are not nearly as grim as media makes them out to be - even the ones that don’t ultimately work out. I’ve met plenty of people who aren’t a good fit with me personally, but I wouldn’t consider them a “frog” - and hopefully they wouldn’t think of me that way, either. Nor do I feel that meeting them was a trial I had to endure.

Next, it implies that all your problems will be solved once you meet that perfect person, your Prince (or Princess) Charming. Never mind the fact that there is a certain amount of work in any relationship, or that most people can’t even tell at first sight if this one is “the right one.” And what of those extremely lucky people who meet a good match early on in the dating process? Should their happiness be any less valid because they haven’t “earned” it by “kissing frogs”?

Metaphors are almost always clumsy, but if dating absolutely requires one, I submit that it should be a game of darts. There is a small percentage of people who manage to hit the bullseye their very first time. Most others hit elsewhere on the board, with varying degrees of success. However, their next throw isn’t quite as random as their first; they’ve learned something, and they’re adjusting accordingly. For some, the skill develops quickly, and it isn’t long before they’re hitting the bullseye; others require a little extra practice, or maybe tips from others. But no throw is a complete waste; it’s just another tiny step on the way to success.

Something to remember that’s not covered by either metaphor: you’re not really dealing with inhuman “frogs” or “darts” - you’re dealing with other human beings, just as keen to reach their goal as you are. Other people are learning from you just as surely as you are from them. So as you set our on your next date, remember to treat your partner - and yourself - gently. Finding a good match means learning as much about yourself as your partner. With your priorities in place, perhaps everyone will get their happy ending - and no one will feel like a frog.

Chances are, you’ve probably heard someone use the phrase “magic” when they’re referring to a relationship. Or rather, you’ve heard about the absence of it: “All the magic is gone,” “There’s no magic anymore,” “Once the magic is gone...” and so forth. What is this “magic” everyone talks about? And is it as important as we make it out to be?

When I asked people to further define “magic” in a relationship, it seems to take one of a few forms. First, they might be referring to “fireworks,” or infatuation. That might involve hearts pounding, hormones surging, and probably a good deal of flirting, because it seems like much of the thrill comes from anticipation. Everything is shiny and new.

If that’s your definition of “magic” and you’re worried about it leaving, there’s a bit of a problem: it almost certainly will. Eventually hormones settle down, things aren’t all that “new” and there’s probably less flirting and more comfort. Now, does that mean your relationship is stale and doomed? Absolutely not! In fact, many probably don’t even notice the absence of infatuation; they’ve naturally transitioned into a different kind of a relationship. Problems arise when you compare notes with starry-eyed, newly-infatuated friends, but just remember: “great” can be a bubble bath just as easily as a roller coaster.

When other people talk about “magic” they are talking about chemistry, which is just slightly different than infatuation. It, too, is most noticeable at the beginning of the relationship: those moments where you both discover you like the same thing, or you say the same things, or you just feel absolutely “in sync.”

Over time, you may notice the differences more than the similarities, but chances are you’re more alike than ever before - now you have additional shared experiences. The novelty of having something in common, however, has faded. Less exciting? Maybe. But when you’re spending most of your free time with one person, it can be a good thing to have your own hobbies and experiences; now you’ll have something to share.

And for yet others, the “magic” of a relationship refers simply to overall compatibility; whether they enjoy being with each other. No relationship goes smoothly one hundred percent of the time, but some do eventually run their course entirely. In this case maybe “magic” really is the most accurate word for it: that indefinable something that held two people together and is just as indefinably gone.

So if you’re worried about losing the “magic” in your relationship, ask yourself what you’re really talking about. Maybe you’re worried about the state of your entire relationship, and it’s worth analyzing a little more. But maybe you’re just not sure how to proceed once you’re past the initial stages of a relationship - and maybe the “magic,” in this case, will make way for something even better.

When I met a girlfriend over coffee last weekend, she was lamenting about the state of the dating pool today.

"Why can't I meet one decent guy?" she cried. "All I ever get are losers. I'm not even excited to meet anyone these days. It's like the same thing, night after night. No sparks, no chemistry - or he doesn't want anything serious, not even a second date if he's halfway decent."

I nodded my head, remembering exactly how she felt. I'd felt this way a few times in my life, as though nothing was ever going to change. As if I were on a dating treadmill. I knew then that I had to get off. And I told her the same thing.

"What do you mean?" she asked, wide-eyed. "Stop dating? Give up?"

Not exactly. What I was advising was a lot more hopeful - a dating break. A temporary reprieve from the online dating sites, the first meetings over coffee, the follow-up texts. It was time to put things into perspective.

When you're jaded and depressed about dating, to the point where you don't look forward to going out and you don't think you'll meet anybody worth meeting, it's time for a reset. Nobody is going to click with you if you're shutting them out. Maybe it's not the people you're meeting who aren't good enough, maybe it's the energy you carry around with you.

Let me explain in scientific terms: like attracts like. That doesn't mean you have to have the same interests, habits, mannerisms, sense of humor, etc. as your date, but that you both have to approach meeting each other with a certain level of openness, a readiness to be vulnerable and have fun. It's not as easy as it looks sometimes.

If you feel jaded or lack the energy to date, it might be time to take a brief hiatus. A break can help you take stock of what's most important to you, and give you new perspective.

Following are some signs you should take a mini-sabbatical:

You're dating the same type of person. If you're dating only athletes, or business owners, or players, then you might want to take a step back to see why you aren't saying yes to men outside of your "type." Sometimes we limit our opportunities when we're too rigid in our searches or fall into the same bad habits.

You lack the energy or excitement for dating. No more first date nerves? Then you probably aren't putting forth your best effort in meeting people, which can work against you. A break could help you recharge.

You don't trust anyone (or give them a chance). If you haven't gotten over someone who hurt you in the past, then it's time to do some serious soul-searching. It's hard to move forward in a new relationship if you're still angry, hurt or jealous.Take some time to nurture yourself before getting back out there.

You're still in love with your ex. Maybe you need more time to get over your break-up. If your dates feel more like rebounds, it's time to give yourself a break and come back to it when you're ready.

Online dating has just about everything these days, but there's one thing that real-life dating still has over meeting someone on the Web: your trusty wingman by your side.

Or at least that was the case, until Tandem came along. Tandem invites you to bring that trusty wingman (or wing-lady...we don't discriminate) along on your online dates. No, it's not a covert swingers site...it's a carefully-thought out "two on two meetup site" that hopes to ease the awkwardness of meeting strangers on the Web.

Searching for The One online is usually a solitary pursuit, but a growing number of sites - like Circl.es and Acquaintable - are turning online dating into a social experience. It makes perfect sense, if you think about it...meeting someone new is rarely a solo experience in real life, so why should it be online? More often than not, real life dates happen because we meet someone new through our social circle or while out with friends.

Sites like Tandem are now trying to mimic that social experience by increasing face-to-face interactions and placing the emphasis on meeting new people rather than finding a soulmate. "It's like a casual meetup instead of a direct one-on-one online dating meetup," Tandem founder Will Tungpagasit told the Huffington Post. "People are a lot more at ease when they're with someone they know, and so we wanted to build a site that leverages that."

Every Tandem member signs up with Wings who are trusted friends (which sounds like a great opportunity to avoid filling out your own profile by writing each other's). Finding a date is a three step process:

1. Invite: See an interesting profile, pick your Wing from your friends, then pick one of their Wings to join you on the date.
2. Confirm: Your Wing must confirm before the 2 invitees are notified. Then either of the invitees may confirm the date.
3. Coordinate: An email is sent to all 4 people. Replies go to the group but email addresses remain private.

Tungpagasit suggests that the most effective strategy on Tandem is to join with your most attractive friends. "Maybe someone doesn't think my profile is cute, but she thinks my friend is cute," he explains, "and she thinks, 'Oh, I want to meet that guy. I don't care if Will comes along.' It opens up opportunities for me because I'm not that photogenic, but I'm fun in person. I get an opportunity to win them over with my charm."

Sounds good to me.

We're entering into holiday season - which is full of parties, good food, alcohol - and couples. Sure, there are plenty of unattached people in the world, but when you're at social events or family gatherings sometimes you can feel like the obvious single, standing by yourself next to the punchbowl in a room surrounded by couples. So what can you do to keep yourself from feeling isolated and down?

Following are some tips to help get you through those difficult couple-filled gatherings:

Focus on the positive. Being single comes with assets, like the freedom to come and go as you please and live your life exactly as you'd like on a day-to-day basis. Make a list of all the things you enjoy in your life right now, like having your own space to decorate, going out when you want (as well as staying in), making last-minute travel plans when the mood strikes, or planning that great adventure overseas next spring. Enjoy this time to yourself and truly savor it.

Know that this is temporary. Sure, it might feel like you've been single forever, but you haven't, and you won't be single for the rest of your life, either. You are always between relationships, unless you actively don't want to date anymore in your life. Remember, being single is just your situation right now, so don't give in to those feelings of doom and gloom.

Don't assume your coupled friends are happy. Do you think all your coupled friends are totally ecstatic in their relationships? Think again. Being with someone or even being married doesn't mean that they are happy, fulfilled, or that it's right in the long run. It's better to be looking for the right guy than realize you're in a relationship with the wrong one. Take your time and be patient. Love isn't something that is timed to your plan, but something that happens when your heart is truly open.

Enjoy what you love. If you like to travel, make plans to go somewhere exotic (or a road trip, or camping - whatever moves you) by yourself. Don't deny your happiness because you can't share it with someone - besides, don't you want adventures to talk about when you meet your next boyfriend?

Remember, you are not alone. About 50% of adults in the U.S. are single, so you're in good company despite the fact that friends, family, and commercials and ads can make you feel like an outsider. Don't let the opinions of others determine your satisfaction with your life. Enjoy yourself now, and be open to possibilities in the future. Love will find its way in.

Have you ever been around someone who was just so positive you felt happy simply being around them? Most of us would greatly prefer to spend time with such people, as opposed to those who seem to carry their own personal raincloud. Well, even if you aren’t always sunshine and rainbows, you can still add a bit of that warmth to your profile: it’s all the in language that we use.

Think of your profile as something like a conversation with your reader. Now imagine a real conversation: you ask someone to dinner. They hesitate, then say, “Sure, that sounds fine.” Now imagine the conversation going a different way: they say, “Absolutely, I’d love to.” Which response would you rather get - the one that’s open to a vast number of interpretations, or the one that is enthusiastic and affirmative?

Now consider that as you write your profile. You don’t have to fake enthusiasm you don’t actually have, but as you write about your interests, your job, the movies and music you love, make sure your feelings are reflected in the language you use. And be specific! If you love your job, say so, and maybe talk about why you’re so passionate. Remember to emphasize the positive; for example, if you’re not nuts about your job, talk about how relaxing or exciting the weekend is, instead of why you count down the minutes until Friday afternoon.

Remember to carry through the same ideas in your emails and even in person on your first date. Dating can be so confusing and nerve-wracking; a little clarity and positivity is always appreciated. Think of it from your perspective: wouldn’t you rather your date made it absolutely clear when they were having a good time, or if they wanted to see you again? Even if you’re not purposely playing mind games, it’s possible to be less clear than you mean to, especially in written communication.

So as you write that profile, send off that email or even leave a phone message, consider the language and tone you’re using. Are you accurately reflecting your thoughts and intent? Is any unwanted negativity creeping in? Are you giving your opinions the passion they deserve? A great benefit of online dating is the ability to proofread your thoughts before they’re out in public; why not make a warm first impression with something unquestionably positive?