Relationships

Do you find yourself going out to bars and parties but not getting asked out? Do you sit and wait for men to approach, or do you think because you're no longer 22 or 110 pounds that most men won't find you attractive anyway?

It's time to take control by making yourself more approachable. I don't mean changing your physical appearance - I mean changing your method. It's not as daunting as you think, but it does take some conscious effort and practice if you're going to break your old habits to make way for a new gameplan.

First, attraction between two people starts with something intangible - energy. Sure, if you are a supermodel you might not have much of a problem, but if you're like the majority of women, then you have to put forth some energy to attract people to you. Here's what I mean:

Make eye contact. If you want to be asked out, it's no time to be shy. Instead of averting your eyes when you see a man looking at you, catch his eye and smile. Eye contact is essential - it's the only way a guy knows if you want him to approach. Also, don't look at him blankly - smile so he gets the hint.

Position yourself well. Don't sit in the middle of a cluster of women. Most guys are terrified to approach a group of friends just to talk to one person, so try going out with just one friend or on your own so you are easier to approach. If you are in a group, sit at the end of the table so it's easier for men to approach you.

Don't be shy. This is the time to practice your flirting skills. Don't be embarrassed or think that you're not good at it. There are plenty of ways to let him know you're interested without asking him for his number. Smile and engage with him. Lightly touch his arm. Make a joke or laugh at his. If you're not comfortable, practice, practice, practice.

Be confident. Nothing attracts men and women to each other more than confidence. We like to think a potential partner is strong enough to be comfortable in his own skin, so own what makes you unique! And if you're still feeling terrified at the thought of really putting yourself out there, fake it. The only way to meet people is to do exactly that---meet people.

Keep an open mind. While you might be looking for the perfect guy, there's no reason to avoid the ones who aren't your physical ideal. It's good to date a variety of people, because you never know who might be the best one for you. (Often it isn't the person we idealize in our heads.) Talk to more people, even the ones you don't find so attractive. They will be practice for those times when you see someone who makes your heart flutter.

Online dating can bring out the best in us. No, really: we start to think about what we really want, which then causes us to think seriously about our priorities. We might start to work on our self-esteem. We might gain people skills. All of these things are great; none of them are dependent on finding love, but sometimes we need just such a motivator to get us started down a great path.

However, online dating can absolutely bring out the worst in us, too. Because rejection is so commonplace (really, everyone will get rejected in some fashion at some point), it tends to stir up all those feelings of insecurity that we’ve worked on stifling for most of our adult lives. Being rejected can make you feel like a hurt twelve-year-old. Unfortunately, at this point some react like a hurt twelve-year-old. Add in the relative anonymity of the internet, and you’ve got a formula for saying things you really shouldn’t.

Here’s a quick quiz. You’ve sent a first-contact email and been given a rather brusque, if not downright rude, brush-off. How do you respond?
A)You say something polite and move on. You console yourself with the thought that you’re the classy one.
B)You don’t respond at all. Whether or not they meant to be harsh, they’re probably not interested and you’re not interested in someone who’s meaner than they intend, anyway.
C)You’re feeling hurt and you want them to feel hurt in return. You send an email back picking apart their response, with a few snide comments or insults thrown in. At least you’re not the only one feeling bad now.

One of these responses would be most at home on the playground. It’s immature at best, and such juvenile behavior would likely not be tolerated elsewhere in the adult world, like the workplace. But thanks to the combination of anonymity and raw feelings, such emails can be tempting.

As with almost anything online, when sending an email to a potential match, it’s good to ask yourself: would I say this very thing in public, or is it too risque, vulgar, or hurtful? Will I feel good about myself if I send this? Remember, it is possible for online dating to being out the best in us; but first we have to overcome the temptation to slip into the worst.

When you've gone through a devastating break-up, it's often hard to transition back to dating. After all, it's a world of unknowns, filled with future boyfriends/girlfriends who could hurt you all over again. It's not exactly thrilling to think about.

While everyone needs time to heal after the end of a relationship, it's also important to try to meet people again. You don't want too much time to go by, because you'll be more afraid to take that first step. And really, dating is all about taking small steps.

So what do you do if you're not feeling confident about your dating skills, or you think you're not lovable because your ex left? While these are normal feelings, they are also not true. Everyone is capable of flirting, dating, and falling in love. And everyone is capable of feeling sexy again.

Here's how to begin:

Go out. If you need your friends to support you, then ask. But it's important to step up your social life and go out again, even if it takes you a while to approach new people. Check out the nightlife in your city, a new restaurant, an art gallery opening, or anything that sounds fun and intriguing. Staying on your couch in a pair of pajamas isn't going to change anything.

Accept invitations. Do you have a friend who throws regular parties? Have you made excuses to not attend? Time to change that. In fact, it's a good idea to ask your friend to introduce you to some new people. This way, it's a little easier to begin a conversation rather than with a total stranger.

Relax. Instead of worrying about how uncomfortable you feel or who you'll meet, take things one step at a time. You are taking charge of your life. Flirt a little, even if it's just for practice. If you get asked out, accept. Remember, this isn't a commitment, it's just a date.

Join an online dating site. Maybe you've been afraid of the idea of online dating, but it's a very popular, mainstream activity. There are plenty of people to meet, so don't get hung up on the particulars of who your matches are. Try to enjoy scrolling through profiles or responding to emails. Enlist a friend to do it together and compare notes on your dates. It's a good way to practice dating again, with no pressure from friends and family trying to set you up.

Have fun. Do the activities that you enjoy to lift your spirits. Your energy attracts people to you, so if you still feel shut down it will be a lot harder for potential dates to read whether or not you're interested. If you know that bicycling, cooking, or swimming makes you happy, plan to do it regularly. Nourish yourself first, and you will find your mojo coming back - and you'll be flirting and dating in no time.

Even in this day and age, online dating is still often treated as a mysterious entity, an “other,” as though you and your potential matches are climbing into robot suits to assess compatibility. Even worse, the news is full of stories about the dangers of online dating. The stress of dating combined with shady figures in back alleys and robots in a laboratory? No wonder some feel confused or intimidated.

In reality, the “dangers” of online dating are all dangers we’ve faced before, and regularly. For example, we’ve been meeting strangers and forming relationships our entire lives. Have we ever met someone who was potentially creepy? Probably, and we probably depended on our observation, logic and gut instinct and avoided that person thereafter.

Then there’s the technological component, the threat of being “scammed” by a potential match. Well, have we ever received a spam email with a sob story? Almost certainly. And there are certain clues that let us know it’s a scam - the details that don’t quite work, the “one size fits all” nature of how they claim they came across our email. Certainly some small percentage of people probably fall for it, but the vast majority don’t.

So why is online dating any different than our everyday experiences? Well, the one mitigating factor is the issue of love, trust and infatuation. It’s certainly possible that one might want to find love so badly they turn on their “blinders.” Again, that possibility exists all the time, not just when one fires up the computer - but still, these three factors combined tend to be what stirs unease about online dating.

So if you or a loved one is worried about online dating, what precautions can you take? First, be clear about the purpose of an online dating site: you’re using it as a way to meet people, not to literally fall in love without ever laying eyes on each other.

Before you’ve met, exercise the same caution you would in any online interaction: don’t give out too much personal information, and certainly don’t give out financial information. Be wary of sob stories where money is involved, and don’t get involved in a “relationship” when it’s clear one person is stalling and doesn’t want to actually meet.

When you do meet in person, exercise the same caution you would with any stranger or blind date: tell someone in advance where you’re going to meet, and meet in a public place. Don’t rely on your date for transportation. If you’re extra nervous, have someone look out for you, like a friend posted anonymously elsewhere in the venue.

But remember: you’ve relied on the combination of your instincts and your brain for your entire life, and navigated countless situations and strangers, with and without the complication of hope and hormones. Why should using an online dating site to meet someone be any more complicated?

If you've been online dating a while, you know that it can be difficult sometimes to capture attention. There are many others out there, so you have to set yourself apart - with pictures, profile description, and with the emails you send out.

While many online daters focus primarily on pictures, there are other ways to set yourself apart from the crowd. One of the most under-rated but most effective things you can do with your profile is to get more specific about who you are.

What to do: tell a story.

Many daters tend to generalize when they're looking for how to describe themselves. But instead of saying you like skiing, it's better to describe an experience. The more specific, the better. (I'm not talking about writing a novel, though. Get to the point.)

For example, you could say that on your last ski trip you got caught in a snowstorm at the top of the mountain (and explain how you got out of it). Or you could describe your absolute favorite places to go, i.e. "March is a great time to hit St. George's in Utah because the skies are sunny and the powder still firm." You get the idea - the more you can bring your own experiences and expressions into the mix, the more interesting you'll seems to others. Also, it will be easier to strike up a conversation.

Still not sure what to write? If you are the bookish type and prefer to spend your weekends indoors reading the newspaper from cover to cover while you sip your mocha latte, then describe it. Talk about why you'd like to share this with someone.

What to avoid: your job.

While you can certainly be proud of all your career accomplishments, your dating profile isn't a resume. It's important to show that you have a life outside of work, otherwise how can a relationship even begin?

Many daters tend to mistake selling themselves and their accomplishments for connecting with or enticing a potential date. It's easy to confuse these when you're online dating, because you feel like you have to catch someone's eye, usually by trying to stand out from the other candidates. But if you want someone to reach out and ask a question or start a conversation, it's better to make it easier for them.

Recount an experience that you found funny, or describe why your recent trip to India made you sign up for a curry cooking class. Show your likes and your personality by sharing your own experiences. There are many opportunities to describe yourself without being too generic, and without dwelling on your job.

Bottom line: tell a story about you.

In a general sense, the goal for your online dating profile is for it to be eye-catching, memorable. You try to come up with clever content for the self-summary, and post interesting pictures. That’s all valuable, but the real work is making the reader visit your profile at all. To do that, you literally need to grab their attention - and the easiest way to do that is through headlines.

Headlines are one of the more underrated tools in your profile-writing arsenal. An interesting headline effectively yells “Hey, look over here, I’m awesome!” - not typically literally, but there is a certain amount of success with the blunt approach! Headlines are short, easily changed and experimented with, and best of all, you can use a headline in both your online dating profile and as the subject line in first-contact emails, so it’s a skill that’s continually valuable.

Perhaps the most generic - and boring - approach is something that wouldn’t be out of place in a classified ad from fifty years ago. This is generally useless for today’s online dating sites. See, back in the day those headlines were trying to cram in all their info by the letter, and they had to begin with the basics, like their gender. Today, however, you’ve already filtered your preferences for gender, age, interests, and so on. It’s simply not necessary to state it all in a headline or title, and it certainly doesn’t set you apart from anyone else.

Some people try to have a “theme” to their profile, and they use the headline as a “title” to their “story.” For example, someone might write about being an “explorer” in biology labs as their profession, and then have a corresponding title like, “The Magellan of Flagella.” There’s nothing wrong with that, and indeed, taking that approach can help you break out of the “Single female with cat seeking Tom” box. However, the downside is that you can get too attached to your one headline, because you feel you’re breaking your “theme.” Getting too stuck in one mindset might make it more difficult to come up with different headlines when you’re writing first-contact emails, too.

Then there’s the completely random approach. These have an advantage in that they tend to be less “cheesy,” since there’s less attempted humor, and more out-and-out strange, like “The Amazing Waterski Caper” titling a profile that has absolutely nothing to do with waterskiing. These sorts of headlines tend to be snappy and grab attention at the time. However, they might not aid your reader in remembering or finding you later if they truly are random.

Finally, there’s the “Direct Question” tactic. These work equally well in profiles and emails, and they promote conversation. It’s best if the question is a “softball,” something that’s easy to answer and easy to have an opinion about, like “Pirates or Ninjas?” If you’re having trouble writing an email, thinking of the subject line first might get the creative juices flowing. Just make sure you only have one or two additional questions in the email, or your reader might begin to feel they’re being interrogated!

None of these “Classified Alternatives” is obviously better than the others; it’s a matter of matching it up with your own personal writing style. The good news is, headlines are easily switched out, updated and edited. Why not experiment and see what works for you? After all, the more eyes read your profile, the more chances you’ll have of finding someone truly compatible.