Relationships

I was not an early adopter when it comes to online dating. I was one of the skeptics, guilty of thinking there was nothing online dating could do for me that I couldn't do for myself. "I like meeting people," I thought, "so why not just meet them in person? What is so special about online dating?"

Then I finally took the plunge. Everyone else was doing it, so why not me? I joined OkCupid and, instantly, I was hooked. Everything I'd read and heard about online dating suddenly made sense. I could almost hear an actual "click" as the pieces fell into place.

Seeing all the tips and tricks I'd been told over the years in action felt like finally becoming fluent in a foreign language. Suddenly there was a whole new world for me to explore, and I understood it! Every lesson I'd learned was helpful, but a few stood out right away:

1. Spelling and grammar definitely do matter. Seeing a profile riddled with errors is an instant turn-off. The same goes for messages. Run a spellcheck program if you don't like reading over your writing yourself. Oh, and save the netspeak for your text messages. Pretty please. Kthnxbai.
2. Yes, the picture is important. I rarely looked twice at profiles that didn't include at least one picture. In fact, even a single picture seemed odd - why not two or three? What is there to hide? And won't I find out anyway, when we eventually meet in person?
3. One-word messages just don't cut it. Two-word messages don't work either. Has anyone ever gone on a date that began solely with a "Hi" or "Ur hot?" I doubt it. No one wants to read a novel-sized message, but it needs to be long enough to establish that you have actually read the profile.
4. Don't be a downer. I can't tell you how many messages and profiles begin with "I'm really bad at writing these things" or "I'm here because I'm lonely." Those things may be true, but they aren't going to get your profile noticed. Focus on the good. Sell yourself the way a marketer would sell a product.
5. It pays to be honest. Sure, you could lie to try to make yourself appealing to as many people as possible, but what's the point? The more you let your personality shine, the more you'll attract people you're actually compatible with. Don't be afraid to scare somebody off.

What other lessons does online dating have in store for me? I can't wait to find out...

Nervous about a first date? That's understandable. You're meeting for the first time, and you want to make a good impression. But there's no need to drive yourself crazy over all the mistakes you (or your date) could make.

Instead, there are a surprisingly few simple guidelines to remember that will help you more than you realize - and they all have to do with good manners, which are often overlooked. If you pay attention to these, everything else will fall into place - and those mistakes won't matter so much to your date.

Don't be late. There's nothing "fashionable" about being late for a date, especially if you're meeting for the first time. Everyone's time is valuable, so it shows respect for the other person if you're punctual. Traffic jams might be outside of your control, but you should let your date know if you are running late with a text or call. It's a simple gesture that makes a huge difference.

Leave your phone out of it. I know it's difficult to put your phone in your purse or turn it off for the evening, especially if work is looming, but do it. Nobody wants to stare at a date's phone on the table between you, even if it isn't ringing. And texting or Tweeting during a date? Don't even think about it. Your date deserves your undivided attention.

No messy foods. Did you want to look great before you met your date? Chances are you got at least a little dressed up or put on make-up, so the last thing you want to do is go for some greasy chicken wings that get all over your clothes, hands and mouths. Sounds sexy, right? Not so much. Don't go for messy finger foods - keep it clean.

Don't control the conversation. This is basic dating 101. Your date wants to feel special and understood. There's no need to rattle off your impressive accomplishments or engage her in stories about you. Instead, ask questions about her. This is a date after all, not a business meeting with a client. You're looking to connect.

Don't pass judgment. Dating isn't easy. We're all trying to impress, or at least to get through the night without doing something embarrassing. It might take a few dates for someone to really feel comfortable, so if they seem nervous at first, give them the benefit of the doubt. Try date number two and three and then see if you're feeling it. You'd want the same consideration in return, right?

We all have issues we’re self-conscious about - something about our lives, physical or not, that we wish were different. The specific problems are as varied as the people. When it comes to writing online profiles, however, many people have a common complaint: they wish they were more exciting. Or, barring that, just less boring.

“I can’t list my typical weekend plans,” moans one man. “I like hitting up estate sales, especially for vintage mid-century casserole dishes. How much more bland can you get? Why couldn’t I have been interested in skydiving?”

“I sound like the stereotypical librarian,” says a woman. “My social life is comprised of my book club and my knitting club. I have two cats. How am I supposed to find someone with common interests? I look like I have the interests of a little old lady!”

It’s at this point that many are tempted to lie, and they do. Inevitably, though, these “white lies” lead to trouble, or simply to nothing at all. Not only will that man’s date be less than impressed when she finds out he isn’t really a skydiver, chances are they won’t have anything else in common. And if the “librarian” made up an exciting social life and meets someone who loves to hit the clubs, she’ll likely learn that she doesn’t even like the life of a party girl. Lies may have landed a first date, but not much else - except added anxiety and nerves, of course.

At the same time, you don’t want your profile to be passed over. So what to do? Well, the first thing to remember is that you have to embrace who you are. So maybe you’re a homebody, or the nerd version of the archaeological adventurer. Don’t apologize for who you are and what you love; instead, share what you like about those interests and why you think they’re fun. Whatever the specifics are, readers might be drawn in by the passion and confidence that shines through.

Explaining why you like what you do also helps if your interests are niche ones. Perhaps the knitter might find something in common with someone else who enjoys hobbies that are relaxing and creative. Also, if you can explain your hobbies to someone else, you’re more aware of what exactly it is that you like about them - and thus, you can look for those personality traits and interests in the profiles you peruse yourself. Remember: your potential dates shouldn’t be expected to look past the details and see the person within if you aren’t doing the same thing.

Finally, remember that everyone is quite a bit more than the sum of the details about their lives. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box, in your own profile and while reading others’ as well. With enough thought, creativity and maybe input from friends or family, the real you will shine through - without having to resort to white lies.

Let’s say you’ve created a new profile on an online dating site. You’ve emailed a few people you’re interested in, and one has emailed you back; the interest seems mutual. What now? Much like Goldilocks and the many chairs she tried, there are three basic scenarios that tend to play out; you’re aiming for that one that’s “just right.”

The first scenario that could happen can be called “the deer in headlights.” In this situation, you freeze; you don’t want to move too quickly, so you just keep emailing without bringing up the next step, which is typically meeting in person. Your potential date, whether because they’re similarly paralyzed or just confused, responds in kind. Now weeks have gone by, and if this game of emailing chicken isn’t broken soon, one of you will want to move on.

On the other end of the spectrum we have “the marriage proposal.” It might not include an actual proposal via email, but this is the person who is so thrilled that things are going well that they start making Big Plans. For most people, it’s hard to really visualize such plans before at least meeting in person and assessing chemistry; thus, even if you’ve both said you love road trips, making plans for one next summer might be a little premature.

If you find yourself headed in this direction - making long or intense plans before you’ve met - just remember: your date still isn’t entirely sure you even are who you claim to be. Test your compatibility out in person, then move forward together.

The “just right” course of action might considered cliche or generic by some, but perhaps it’s become a cliche for a reason. In this scenario, you chat a bit via email, then progress to a low-pressure meeting in person - like coffee - and if things go well, spend increasing amounts of time together. Your goal is to find love, but you still have to get to know one another; boldly moving forward, while still savoring each step, is the general game plan.

But if it’s so easy, why is there still so much confusion? Well, because everyone’s different, and that “sweet spot” might not look exactly the same for every couple. Maybe some people are more timid and require more emails before they meet; those same people might be the type to throw themselves into a whirlwind romance one they finally meet in person. Every couple is comprised of two unique individuals with their own needs and fears, so there’s no hard-and-fast formula.

That being said, if you’ve been emailing for a month, hitting it off, and haven’t met yet with no explanation why, it might be time to have an honest conversation. And if you feel like things are moving quickly and you’re not quite comfortable, it’s again time to speak honestly and openly. Nothing has to fit a set formula, but with honest communication, you can navigate these confusing waters and lay a good foundation for a relationship at the same time. Who says “just right for you” is impossible to find?

How many times have you walked into a bar or restaurant and approached an attractive woman? And how did it go? What do you think helps to engage a woman in conversation, or more importantly, to spark her interest in you?

Much like approaching a total stranger, online dating profiles are a way to make the first move - to reach out and introduce yourself to someone. The key is to put some time, thought, and effort into it, much like you would in person. You won't attract someone if you rely on the same old clichés. It's important to be yourself, have fun, and try to strike up a conversation. The key is engaging her.

Following are some clichés you should avoid adding to those profiles:

"I love to laugh" or "I have a good sense of humor." Who doesn't? Instead of stating the obvious, express yourself. What exactly makes you laugh? If you tell jokes, then tell a joke. Let your own style come forward here.

"I'm happy to go out or stay in," or "I'm just as comfortable in a jacket or in jeans." Again, what does this say about you? Instead of trying to be everything to every woman, state exactly what you do like doing on the weekend - even if it's just walking your dog and grabbing a coffee in the morning. Be yourself.

"I don't want drama." Have you moved on from your past relationships? Because this sounds like you're still angry or resentful, which isn't going to attract a great woman to you. Women generally don't like drama, either.

"Looking for something casual but am open to something long-term." This is just evasive. Make up your mind and stick to it, whether you're looking for something long-term or just to have a little fun.

"I'm living life to the fullest." Yawn. What does this mean? Explain how you live a full life - do you wake up every morning at 5am to go running, close at least one business deal a day, or go on vacation at least five times a year? Living a full life means different things to different people - explain what it means to you.

"I like going to bars/ going to Vegas/ taking road trips." While this is great, you and a million other guys all said the same thing. Again, it's important to get specific. Talk about the trip you loved the most and why.

"I work hard and play hard." We get it. You work long hours and you drink with the boys. But what does this mean for the women you date? Instead, I recommend you let women know how you see spending an evening with them instead - how they fit into this picture. In other words, get creative and describe your ideal date. (And leave work out of it.)

Sometimes communicating with someone via the Internet can feel like a labyrinth. On the one hand, you have the ability to edit what you say, take back that awkward joke before you send it. You can think about a response for hours as you figure out what you want to say, and it’s not too unusual because hey, people have busy lives.

On the other hand, you don’t get all those additional clues and context. You don’t get the tone of voice, the body language, the gestures, the funny faces. Whereas in person, a sentence would slide past you and you’d only think of it later if you remembered it, in an email every single sentence can get analyzed and reanalyzed. What did this person really mean? Was that “ha ha” genuinely full of mirth or sarcasm?

It can feel like you’re typing in a code - when you’ve only got a partial key to solving it. What many people don’t realize, however, is that you don’t have to. Instead of having a conversation in a language you only partially understand, you can always do what many people feel they can’t: ask questions, clarify, and be straightforward.

“Look at this email,” a friend said to me. “I can’t tell if she’s saying she is ready to meet in person for a date or that she’s not ready, and won’t be for some time.”

“I would interpret that as that she is ready,” I replied, “although I can see where this phrase is a little confusing.”

“Hmm,” he said, frowning, “I’m not convinced.”

“Only one way to find out,” I said. “Ask her if she’s ready to meet in person, for something small like coffee.”

He gaped at me. “Isn’t that a little forward? What if she isn’t ready?”

“If she’s not ready, she’ll tell you,” I said. “You’ll have the answer to your question, and you’ll be able to properly decide if you want to continue emailing or if you want to move on. If she is ready, she’ll tell you, and you’ll meet in person. Either way, she knows you’d like to meet, and you’ll both have more information than you do right now.”

What my friend did not realize was that asking a simple question, one that clarifies something you’re uncertain about, is not impertinent or dumb. It shouldn’t make anyone think less of you (and if it does, chances are they aren’t the sort of person you want anyway). It never hurts to make sure you’re on the same page - and if your communication feels really muddled, chances are your date is confused too.

Being honest when you don’t fully understand what’s going on also lays a great foundation for communication. If you’re not afraid to clarify, you’ll be more willing to discuss trickier issues later; it won’t be as uncomfortable or awkward.

Emailing might feel like you’re wandering in a maze wearing earmuffs and a hat that obscures your vision - but it doesn’t have to. And you don’t even have to email, if it comes to that; phone, video chat and meeting in person are even better. Don’t be afraid to actively make your communication clearer; you’re just making it easier to feel out your potential chemistry, and lay the foundations of a better relationship.