Relationships

You've taken that first monumental step after an emotional break-up and joined an online dating site. If you've already met someone with relationship potential, don't panic. It's one thing to start dating again after a break-up, but quite another to find someone special. It's hard to think of entering into a new relationship when you could be hurt again.

If your last love cheated, then it's a lot harder to take that next step. You might prefer keeping your guy at a distance so you don't have to think about his fidelity (or even yours for that matter). But what if by doing this you're robbing yourself of a chance for real love?

Instead of shying away from anyone with relationship potential, try addressing your fears first. Chances are, you've learned a thing or two, and know what it takes to make a relationship work. Following are a few tips to help you get beyond the hurts of your past relationship and move forward into a positive new love life:

Communicate. Everyone has a different communication style. Some people are more open to talk about their feelings than others. However, it's important to set a precedent at the beginning to really listen to each other so both of you feel heard. It's also important to let your new love know that your ex cheated, so you aren't hiding any fears of the same thing happening again. Be willing to talk and share, and let your date know that you hear his concerns, too.

Notice whether his actions match his words. If he says he is faithful and follows it up with appropriate behavior - i.e. he doesn't party and stay out with his friends on the weekends, he calls you just to say hi, he doesn't act cold or distant with you, and he doesn't blame you for his unhappiness - then it's important to take a leap of faith here and start building your trust in him. One step at a time.

Be open with each other. If you hide what you're feeling, you're giving your boyfriend the green light to hide things, too. It's good to talk about the hard things and ask the tough questions instead of trying to placate each other to avoid fights.

Change your pattern. If you immediately jump to the conclusion that he's looking at or thinking of someone else, then you're going to look for evidence of it. This is more damaging than if the cheating were really happening, because how many of us can live freely and happily if we're constantly defending ourselves? Instead, take a step back and assess the situation for what it is, not for what you fear it will become. Learn to trust.

Take a leap of faith. Sometimes, that's all that is required to move on. We have to trust that most people will not deceive or intentionally hurt us. We have to move past our fears to get what we want.

“I’m a hopeless romantic,” a friend once proclaimed. She flopped down on the couch and threw one hand up to emphasize. “I’m waiting for those fireworks, that feeling that tells me, ‘this is where the story begins.’”

If you’re thinking that she was setting herself up for disappointment, you’re right. And she’s not the only one.

So many of us fall into the “fairy-tale romance” trap. In a book or movie, the romance is likely telegraphed every step of the way. There’s foreshadowing and clever camera angles that put the focus where it should be. There’s music.

In real life, there’s no director that gives us our marks and tells us where to stand. You might be able to look back and realize the significance of a chance meeting, but you might not. Some people fall in love after knowing each other for months or years. So when is the ‘beginning’ - the first time you chatted for more than the most superficial of subjects? The first time you met, even though you were children?

Even in the slightly formalized world of online dating - where the “first date” is typically obviously delineated - there’s no easy way to pinpoint the beginning of a romance. Is it when you first laid eyes on a profile, even though it didn’t grab you at the time? Is it that formal first “date”? Or was it the second date, the third email - when was it exactly that you realized you were looking forward to responses not because you “had a date,” but because of who the date was?

The truth is, the romance can sneak up on us. It can be a slow burn. And being self-conscious about it, or forcing it, isn’t going to make anything happen any faster.

So what do we do? We learn the lesson my friend learned: that any relationship starts with a hello. We can’t always predict which ones blossom into something more, so we get on the ride and see where it takes us. And the real excitement of romance is the moment when you realize it’s already there; it’s snuck up on you, and you’re trying to figure out when it arrived. The fact that you won’t know when the story is beginning, as my hopelessly romantic friend now claims, is the best surprise.

The similarities between online dating sites and social networks are many and varied. Now that we’re used to communicating even with close family and friends via the internet, we’re even more comfortable and confident about the idea of using a site to find someone with whom to meet. The line between “the internet” and “real life” is more blurred than ever, and social networking has contributed to this greatly. For some, the natural next step is to combine the two, with an added dash of the other technology that has shaped the last several years - the mobile app. But are these new hybrids right for you?

The answer is different for every person, but there are a few factors to consider. If you’re considering a new type of dating medium, the first thing to check is exactly what kind of information you’ll be sharing. For example, some sites encourage you to link your Facebook profile. Because we’re so used to sharing our online lives with those close to us, linking your profile might not seem that strange. However, living our lives online means that our profiles are rife with private details and clues about our everyday routines. If you do choose to share such information with a dating app, make sure you’re comfortable with privacy options on both mediums.

Some apps reveal your actual, current location. Again, it’s best to really familiarize yourself with what that means - can you turn it off when you’re at home? How specific will the app be in telling prospective dates where you are?

There’s also the issue of immediacy to consider. Some love mobile dating apps because it allows them to be more spontaneous in seeking love - going for that chance meeting instead of something carefully scheduled. Others dislike that aspect; they like to have time to consider their options before taking that plunge. An app that tells them they have to act immediately only makes them agitated.

Still others want to be able to completely ‘disconnect’ from the internet during their time off. They like the ability to visit traditional dating sites on their schedule, when they’re in the proper headspace. As one person said, “I don’t have email on my phone because I don’t want to be interrupted with business while I’m at home - why would I want to be bothered with home business at work?”

Only you can decide if a mobile or social dating service is what’s right for you. By considering your preferences, personality type and tendencies, you can best use technology to aid you in finding love - without letting it drive you crazy along the way.

You've met a great woman through an online dating site, and you've been seeing her for a few weeks. You haven't discussed your relationship or anyone else you're dating, but you always have a good time together and have become closer. You want to stop dating other people and have already taken down your online profile. But you've noticed hers is still active.

Do you ask her to take it down, or do you keep silent and hope that she'll do it herself if she's interested in you?

This can be a tough question, as most people signed up for online dating sites go out with several people and keep their profiles active. It really depends on where you're at in the relationship.

And admittedly, talking about your relationship status when you've only been dating a little while is a hard thing to do. There's a good chance you're not on the same page, so why ruin a good thing?

The problem is, if you are interested in someone, talking about it is the best (and only) way to move forward.

Let's say you've discussed trying exclusivity with each other. In this case, it's fair game to ask each other to take down your online dating profiles. You've agreed to be exclusive.

But if you haven't had a discussion about exclusivity, then both of you are entitled to keep actively dating on the site until you are both ready to move forward. In fact, it's good to keep your options open instead of counting on something that may fizzle out in a few weeks' time. Until you're ready to have that discussion, you should keep your profile active on the site and not take it down prematurely.

If you've been seeing each other a few weeks and you want to move forward but she doesn't, what do you do? It's important to note here that she might not be ready for a relationship. Or, she might want to keep her options open because she isn't sure about you. Either way, you don't want to take your profile down and see her exclusively when she isn't doing the same. It will cause heartbreak in the future, because you both have different expectations.

Let's say she's more interested in being exclusive than you are. She took down her profile after your third date, hoping you'd want to move forward, too. But if you still want to meet new people, her actions shouldn't deter you. When you're dating non-exclusively, you're not beholden to anyone. You should be dating multiple people at a time, just to see what it is you do and don't want - until you're ready to move forward with one person.

Bottom line: Communication is important as you get further along in the dating process. Keep dating others until you have agreed to exclusivity.

You either have this friend or you are this friend: every time the subject of dating comes up, That Friend launches into a rant about how much they hate dating. That Friend is tired of playing games. That Friend is bored of hearing the same old, played out lines. That Friend thinks dating is a waste of time. That Friend is convinced there's no one out there for them.

Yesterday, I had dinner with That Friend. As is often the case, That Friend is recently divorced and dreading the thought of having to dip her toe back in the dating pool. After years spent together with the same person, the prospect of dating again has practically sent her into a nervous breakdown.

I may still be in the stage when I think dating is awesome, but I get it. Dating after divorce isn't easy. In fact, it can be downright hard. The trick is to take those first steps with confidence and curiosity. Think of it as an adventure - there may be challenges along the way, but they won't be anything you can't overcome.

If you're newly single, here are a few things to keep in mind as you reenter the dating world:

1. Don't do it before you're ready. Moving on is a good thing, but moving on before you're ready will set you back even farther. You might be tempted to start seeing someone new right away to take your mind off your ex, but don't do it. Forcing a relationship before you're ready isn't healthy for you or fair to the person you're dating. Wait until you're in a positive, stable mindset to start exploring the singles' scene.
2. Comparisons are a waste of time. Don't compare your old life to your new one. Don't compare your old partner to potential new ones. Don't compare yourself to those around you. You are where you are - it is not better or worse, right or wrong. Constantly analyzing everything will leave you feeling worse than you did before. Don't overthink it. Be yourself. Allow new relationships to unfold naturally, at their own pace.
3. Keep an open mind. Who knows what (or who) this wonderful world has in store for you, now that you're single again? Something extraordinary could be just around the corner, but you'll never find it if you aren't willing to look. After a divorce, you think you know exactly what you like and dislike in a mate, but that doesn't mean you should be closed off to other experiences. Life is full of surprises, and by limiting yourself you might miss out on something wonderful. Stay flexible.

Dating after divorce will have its stressful moments, but the fun should overshadow the disasters. Savor every moment.

When it comes to online dating profiles, one of the simplest tasks should be the section where you list your interests and favorites, right? After all, you know what your favorite movies and books are. You know what you like to do on the weekend. Simple though it may seem, it’s a task that can be deceptively difficult for some.

“I don’t have any interests,” Jessie, a friend, told me flatly. “I mean, I have interests, of course, but not anything that looks good on my profile or that I actually want to talk about with people.”

I started to laugh. “What do you mean?”

“Well, in my last relationship we were really involved in a bowling league,” said Jessie. “But that was really his interest that I absorbed later. And once we broke up, it was pretty awkward with our bowling friends, so since it was his ‘thing’ first I quit. So I can list bowling, but if I’m pressed for any details it will get depressing fast.”

“I can understand that,” I conceded.

“But it gets worse!” she said. “I’ve realized that almost everything will inevitably bring up something about my ex. And the stuff we didn’t do together is the incredibly girly stuff that no man would be interested in. So I can list my favorite movies, but right now they’re all ones that would probably send most men screaming.”

Jessie’s dilemma is not an uncommon one. When we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it can feel like almost everything has baggage attached. And often our solo pursuits are solo because we don’t think anyone else is (or should be!) interested. Sure, you might enjoy crosswords, but it’s not an activity that really opens up conversation or bonding.

Sometimes people feel they need to lie about their interests to appeal to others. They might even “overdo” it by attempting to target their interests to the sort of person they’re interested in (like a man who lists only chick flicks). As always, lying will only cause more problems. So what to do?

Go for three elements: honest, simple, and varied. If you think you’re balanced too heavily toward mindless violence films, for example, list only a few, and make sure to list the favorites from other genres as well. Jessie can list a favorite chick flick or two; it’s who she is, after all, and it helps paint a more accurate picture. However, maybe she might want to list a few of her other standby favorites as well, even if they aren’t the top of her list right now. Her bowling story may be a bit awkward, but not everything is so involved, and those bad memories won’t last forever. Since such lists ought to be short and sweet, she doesn’t have to offer any justification for her choices.

It might seem like too much thought over a simple list, but the general concept can apply throughout the entire profile. We don’t want to dredge up our past relationships, but we can’t pretend we were grown in a vacuum, either. Keeping our profiles (and conversations )honest yet diverse means that we don’t have to dwell too much on any sore spots - and if we’re questioned about something that’s still raw, there’s nothing wrong with admitting it and moving on to something else. We don’t have to erase our pasts - but there’s nothing wrong with wanting a fresh start, just the same.