Relationships

If you're in your early twenties, chances are you've never been asked out on a real date. If you're wondering what I mean by that, you're probably already well into your thirties.

Many twenty-somethings (and probably a few thirty-somethings) are less inclined to form long-term romantic relationships, and therefore don't pursue dating in a get-to-know-you-over-dinner sense. They are skipping all the small talk over coffee and instead hooking up, preferring no emotional attachment in their busy and fast-paced lives.

But is this practice actually hurting them emotionally and socially?

Dating is hard. I get that. Whether you're sifting through online dating profiles, getting the courage up to approach that guy in front of you in the line at Starbucks, or figuring out whether to text someone an hour or a day after he texts you can all be a bit much. Maybe you think to yourself, why bother at all with pursuing a relationship? I'm perfectly happy getting what I need physically without all the emotional drama.

There's nothing wrong with playing the field, especially when you're young. But while I'd like to say that this practice helps you have healthier, more mature relationships in the future, I'm afraid it just makes it harder. Think about it - if you lack the skills or courage to be honest with someone face to face - to ask her out, or to tell him how you really feel, or fall in love and then get over a break-up, then you will have a hard time connecting with others on an emotional level. And what does this mean for your romantic relationships?

Fear is something that we all need to conquer in our love lives. Wouldn't it be nice if every relationship came with a guarantee - that it would last or that you wouldn't be hurt by it? Sadly, this is not reality. But by conquering those fears - of abandonment, or of being hurt, it's easier to find and accept love in your life, instead of continually pushing it to the sidelines.

While I realize love and relationships aren't always on the agenda while you're in your twenties, it's an excellent time to learn about connecting with others romantically. I'm not talking about commitment, but about learning how to take care of your own emotions. It's about preparing yourself for when you do want a relationship, so you're not starting from the beginning.

So, first things first. Ask someone out on a date. It doesn't have to be involved like a dinner, but a simple coffee or drinks date, where you're sitting in front of each other having a conversation, with no expectations. If you have a good time, make plans to do it again (without the hookup). This doesn't mean you're looking for a relationship with the person. It's about having the courage to try and connect with someone. It's about learning how to date, how to get to know someone, not about hooking up.

You've taken that first monumental step after an emotional break-up and joined an online dating site. If you've already met someone with relationship potential, don't panic. It's one thing to start dating again after a break-up, but quite another to find someone special. It's hard to think of entering into a new relationship when you could be hurt again.

If your last love cheated, then it's a lot harder to take that next step. You might prefer keeping your guy at a distance so you don't have to think about his fidelity (or even yours for that matter). But what if by doing this you're robbing yourself of a chance for real love?

Instead of shying away from anyone with relationship potential, try addressing your fears first. Chances are, you've learned a thing or two, and know what it takes to make a relationship work. Following are a few tips to help you get beyond the hurts of your past relationship and move forward into a positive new love life:

Communicate. Everyone has a different communication style. Some people are more open to talk about their feelings than others. However, it's important to set a precedent at the beginning to really listen to each other so both of you feel heard. It's also important to let your new love know that your ex cheated, so you aren't hiding any fears of the same thing happening again. Be willing to talk and share, and let your date know that you hear his concerns, too.

Notice whether his actions match his words. If he says he is faithful and follows it up with appropriate behavior - i.e. he doesn't party and stay out with his friends on the weekends, he calls you just to say hi, he doesn't act cold or distant with you, and he doesn't blame you for his unhappiness - then it's important to take a leap of faith here and start building your trust in him. One step at a time.

Be open with each other. If you hide what you're feeling, you're giving your boyfriend the green light to hide things, too. It's good to talk about the hard things and ask the tough questions instead of trying to placate each other to avoid fights.

Change your pattern. If you immediately jump to the conclusion that he's looking at or thinking of someone else, then you're going to look for evidence of it. This is more damaging than if the cheating were really happening, because how many of us can live freely and happily if we're constantly defending ourselves? Instead, take a step back and assess the situation for what it is, not for what you fear it will become. Learn to trust.

Take a leap of faith. Sometimes, that's all that is required to move on. We have to trust that most people will not deceive or intentionally hurt us. We have to move past our fears to get what we want.

“I’m a hopeless romantic,” a friend once proclaimed. She flopped down on the couch and threw one hand up to emphasize. “I’m waiting for those fireworks, that feeling that tells me, ‘this is where the story begins.’”

If you’re thinking that she was setting herself up for disappointment, you’re right. And she’s not the only one.

So many of us fall into the “fairy-tale romance” trap. In a book or movie, the romance is likely telegraphed every step of the way. There’s foreshadowing and clever camera angles that put the focus where it should be. There’s music.

In real life, there’s no director that gives us our marks and tells us where to stand. You might be able to look back and realize the significance of a chance meeting, but you might not. Some people fall in love after knowing each other for months or years. So when is the ‘beginning’ - the first time you chatted for more than the most superficial of subjects? The first time you met, even though you were children?

Even in the slightly formalized world of online dating - where the “first date” is typically obviously delineated - there’s no easy way to pinpoint the beginning of a romance. Is it when you first laid eyes on a profile, even though it didn’t grab you at the time? Is it that formal first “date”? Or was it the second date, the third email - when was it exactly that you realized you were looking forward to responses not because you “had a date,” but because of who the date was?

The truth is, the romance can sneak up on us. It can be a slow burn. And being self-conscious about it, or forcing it, isn’t going to make anything happen any faster.

So what do we do? We learn the lesson my friend learned: that any relationship starts with a hello. We can’t always predict which ones blossom into something more, so we get on the ride and see where it takes us. And the real excitement of romance is the moment when you realize it’s already there; it’s snuck up on you, and you’re trying to figure out when it arrived. The fact that you won’t know when the story is beginning, as my hopelessly romantic friend now claims, is the best surprise.

The similarities between online dating sites and social networks are many and varied. Now that we’re used to communicating even with close family and friends via the internet, we’re even more comfortable and confident about the idea of using a site to find someone with whom to meet. The line between “the internet” and “real life” is more blurred than ever, and social networking has contributed to this greatly. For some, the natural next step is to combine the two, with an added dash of the other technology that has shaped the last several years - the mobile app. But are these new hybrids right for you?

The answer is different for every person, but there are a few factors to consider. If you’re considering a new type of dating medium, the first thing to check is exactly what kind of information you’ll be sharing. For example, some sites encourage you to link your Facebook profile. Because we’re so used to sharing our online lives with those close to us, linking your profile might not seem that strange. However, living our lives online means that our profiles are rife with private details and clues about our everyday routines. If you do choose to share such information with a dating app, make sure you’re comfortable with privacy options on both mediums.

Some apps reveal your actual, current location. Again, it’s best to really familiarize yourself with what that means - can you turn it off when you’re at home? How specific will the app be in telling prospective dates where you are?

There’s also the issue of immediacy to consider. Some love mobile dating apps because it allows them to be more spontaneous in seeking love - going for that chance meeting instead of something carefully scheduled. Others dislike that aspect; they like to have time to consider their options before taking that plunge. An app that tells them they have to act immediately only makes them agitated.

Still others want to be able to completely ‘disconnect’ from the internet during their time off. They like the ability to visit traditional dating sites on their schedule, when they’re in the proper headspace. As one person said, “I don’t have email on my phone because I don’t want to be interrupted with business while I’m at home - why would I want to be bothered with home business at work?”

Only you can decide if a mobile or social dating service is what’s right for you. By considering your preferences, personality type and tendencies, you can best use technology to aid you in finding love - without letting it drive you crazy along the way.

You've met a great woman through an online dating site, and you've been seeing her for a few weeks. You haven't discussed your relationship or anyone else you're dating, but you always have a good time together and have become closer. You want to stop dating other people and have already taken down your online profile. But you've noticed hers is still active.

Do you ask her to take it down, or do you keep silent and hope that she'll do it herself if she's interested in you?

This can be a tough question, as most people signed up for online dating sites go out with several people and keep their profiles active. It really depends on where you're at in the relationship.

And admittedly, talking about your relationship status when you've only been dating a little while is a hard thing to do. There's a good chance you're not on the same page, so why ruin a good thing?

The problem is, if you are interested in someone, talking about it is the best (and only) way to move forward.

Let's say you've discussed trying exclusivity with each other. In this case, it's fair game to ask each other to take down your online dating profiles. You've agreed to be exclusive.

But if you haven't had a discussion about exclusivity, then both of you are entitled to keep actively dating on the site until you are both ready to move forward. In fact, it's good to keep your options open instead of counting on something that may fizzle out in a few weeks' time. Until you're ready to have that discussion, you should keep your profile active on the site and not take it down prematurely.

If you've been seeing each other a few weeks and you want to move forward but she doesn't, what do you do? It's important to note here that she might not be ready for a relationship. Or, she might want to keep her options open because she isn't sure about you. Either way, you don't want to take your profile down and see her exclusively when she isn't doing the same. It will cause heartbreak in the future, because you both have different expectations.

Let's say she's more interested in being exclusive than you are. She took down her profile after your third date, hoping you'd want to move forward, too. But if you still want to meet new people, her actions shouldn't deter you. When you're dating non-exclusively, you're not beholden to anyone. You should be dating multiple people at a time, just to see what it is you do and don't want - until you're ready to move forward with one person.

Bottom line: Communication is important as you get further along in the dating process. Keep dating others until you have agreed to exclusivity.

You either have this friend or you are this friend: every time the subject of dating comes up, That Friend launches into a rant about how much they hate dating. That Friend is tired of playing games. That Friend is bored of hearing the same old, played out lines. That Friend thinks dating is a waste of time. That Friend is convinced there's no one out there for them.

Yesterday, I had dinner with That Friend. As is often the case, That Friend is recently divorced and dreading the thought of having to dip her toe back in the dating pool. After years spent together with the same person, the prospect of dating again has practically sent her into a nervous breakdown.

I may still be in the stage when I think dating is awesome, but I get it. Dating after divorce isn't easy. In fact, it can be downright hard. The trick is to take those first steps with confidence and curiosity. Think of it as an adventure - there may be challenges along the way, but they won't be anything you can't overcome.

If you're newly single, here are a few things to keep in mind as you reenter the dating world:

1. Don't do it before you're ready. Moving on is a good thing, but moving on before you're ready will set you back even farther. You might be tempted to start seeing someone new right away to take your mind off your ex, but don't do it. Forcing a relationship before you're ready isn't healthy for you or fair to the person you're dating. Wait until you're in a positive, stable mindset to start exploring the singles' scene.
2. Comparisons are a waste of time. Don't compare your old life to your new one. Don't compare your old partner to potential new ones. Don't compare yourself to those around you. You are where you are - it is not better or worse, right or wrong. Constantly analyzing everything will leave you feeling worse than you did before. Don't overthink it. Be yourself. Allow new relationships to unfold naturally, at their own pace.
3. Keep an open mind. Who knows what (or who) this wonderful world has in store for you, now that you're single again? Something extraordinary could be just around the corner, but you'll never find it if you aren't willing to look. After a divorce, you think you know exactly what you like and dislike in a mate, but that doesn't mean you should be closed off to other experiences. Life is full of surprises, and by limiting yourself you might miss out on something wonderful. Stay flexible.

Dating after divorce will have its stressful moments, but the fun should overshadow the disasters. Savor every moment.