Interests? Not Anymore
- Saturday, June 01 2013 @ 12:23 pm
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,184
When it comes to online dating profiles, one of the simplest tasks should be the section where you list your interests and favorites, right? After all, you know what your favorite movies and books are. You know what you like to do on the weekend. Simple though it may seem, it’s a task that can be deceptively difficult for some.
“I don’t have any interests,” Jessie, a friend, told me flatly. “I mean, I have interests, of course, but not anything that looks good on my profile or that I actually want to talk about with people.”
I started to laugh. “What do you mean?”
“Well, in my last relationship we were really involved in a bowling league,” said Jessie. “But that was really his interest that I absorbed later. And once we broke up, it was pretty awkward with our bowling friends, so since it was his ‘thing’ first I quit. So I can list bowling, but if I’m pressed for any details it will get depressing fast.”
“I can understand that,” I conceded.
“But it gets worse!” she said. “I’ve realized that almost everything will inevitably bring up something about my ex. And the stuff we didn’t do together is the incredibly girly stuff that no man would be interested in. So I can list my favorite movies, but right now they’re all ones that would probably send most men screaming.”
Jessie’s dilemma is not an uncommon one. When we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it can feel like almost everything has baggage attached. And often our solo pursuits are solo because we don’t think anyone else is (or should be!) interested. Sure, you might enjoy crosswords, but it’s not an activity that really opens up conversation or bonding.
Sometimes people feel they need to lie about their interests to appeal to others. They might even “overdo” it by attempting to target their interests to the sort of person they’re interested in (like a man who lists only chick flicks). As always, lying will only cause more problems. So what to do?
Go for three elements: honest, simple, and varied. If you think you’re balanced too heavily toward mindless violence films, for example, list only a few, and make sure to list the favorites from other genres as well. Jessie can list a favorite chick flick or two; it’s who she is, after all, and it helps paint a more accurate picture. However, maybe she might want to list a few of her other standby favorites as well, even if they aren’t the top of her list right now. Her bowling story may be a bit awkward, but not everything is so involved, and those bad memories won’t last forever. Since such lists ought to be short and sweet, she doesn’t have to offer any justification for her choices.
It might seem like too much thought over a simple list, but the general concept can apply throughout the entire profile. We don’t want to dredge up our past relationships, but we can’t pretend we were grown in a vacuum, either. Keeping our profiles (and conversations )honest yet diverse means that we don’t have to dwell too much on any sore spots - and if we’re questioned about something that’s still raw, there’s nothing wrong with admitting it and moving on to something else. We don’t have to erase our pasts - but there’s nothing wrong with wanting a fresh start, just the same.
“I don’t have any interests,” Jessie, a friend, told me flatly. “I mean, I have interests, of course, but not anything that looks good on my profile or that I actually want to talk about with people.”
I started to laugh. “What do you mean?”
“Well, in my last relationship we were really involved in a bowling league,” said Jessie. “But that was really his interest that I absorbed later. And once we broke up, it was pretty awkward with our bowling friends, so since it was his ‘thing’ first I quit. So I can list bowling, but if I’m pressed for any details it will get depressing fast.”
“I can understand that,” I conceded.
“But it gets worse!” she said. “I’ve realized that almost everything will inevitably bring up something about my ex. And the stuff we didn’t do together is the incredibly girly stuff that no man would be interested in. So I can list my favorite movies, but right now they’re all ones that would probably send most men screaming.”
Jessie’s dilemma is not an uncommon one. When we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it can feel like almost everything has baggage attached. And often our solo pursuits are solo because we don’t think anyone else is (or should be!) interested. Sure, you might enjoy crosswords, but it’s not an activity that really opens up conversation or bonding.
Sometimes people feel they need to lie about their interests to appeal to others. They might even “overdo” it by attempting to target their interests to the sort of person they’re interested in (like a man who lists only chick flicks). As always, lying will only cause more problems. So what to do?
Go for three elements: honest, simple, and varied. If you think you’re balanced too heavily toward mindless violence films, for example, list only a few, and make sure to list the favorites from other genres as well. Jessie can list a favorite chick flick or two; it’s who she is, after all, and it helps paint a more accurate picture. However, maybe she might want to list a few of her other standby favorites as well, even if they aren’t the top of her list right now. Her bowling story may be a bit awkward, but not everything is so involved, and those bad memories won’t last forever. Since such lists ought to be short and sweet, she doesn’t have to offer any justification for her choices.
It might seem like too much thought over a simple list, but the general concept can apply throughout the entire profile. We don’t want to dredge up our past relationships, but we can’t pretend we were grown in a vacuum, either. Keeping our profiles (and conversations )honest yet diverse means that we don’t have to dwell too much on any sore spots - and if we’re questioned about something that’s still raw, there’s nothing wrong with admitting it and moving on to something else. We don’t have to erase our pasts - but there’s nothing wrong with wanting a fresh start, just the same.
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