Relationships

Imagine you're at a coffee shop. You're enjoying your drink, maybe reading a book, and someone you find really attractive walks in. Even better, after they order, they sit near you, and strike up a conversation. You have common interests. Everything seems to be going swimmingly. And then, the object of your desire tosses off this line:

“Yeah, I know this coffee shop is normally for losers, but my friends have been telling me it's not as dismal as everyone thinks it is. I was just giving it a shot to see if there's actually any attractive people here.”

Yes, it does seem like a bizarre thing to say in a social situation, doesn't it. And no, it doesn't really say anything good about the tactless dope who said it. Why, then, do so many online profiles say nearly the same thing?

“I never thought I'd be on an online dating site, but...” “I can't believe I'm here, but...” Yes, we understand: you feel there's a stigma involved with online dating. When small children envision meeting their Future Partner, they probably don't yet envision a striking online profile – and when you were growing up, you couldn't have imagined such a thing.

Here's the thing, though: everyone else with a profile had the same thought process and arrived at the same site. Someone with their own profile will not judge you for having one. And how will you find someone with whom you want to share your heart, when you've perpetually got one foot out the door?

If you want online dating to work for you, you need to put your best face forward, same as in any first impression. Taking the “I can't believe I'm doing this” angle could make you seem arrogant, wishy-washy, or even self-loathing – not a good trait in the bunch. Confidence is a great asset; own your decision to put yourself out there.

Let's say you're sitting down at your computer and making your very first online profile. The "About Me" section is kind of tricky; you're not quite sure how to make yourself seem desirable without sounding like you're bragging. Luckily, there's all these other sections that you can tackle first: favorite movies, music, TV, books... You tackle those with enthusiasm and before you know it, you've got a list. A really, really long list.

It's tempting, when making an online profile, to list every single thing you're interested in; after all, who knows what small thing you'll bond over? But it's actually not necessary or desirable to have a laundry list profile.

It can't hurt to have too much information when you're still in the rough draft stage, but before you post the profile, get liberal with the backspace button. Let's say you're thinking to yourself, I can't cut these movies from my list! I could get passed over if they don't know I like Ferris Bueller's Day Off! However, you've already got The Breakfast Club on your list. You know how Netflix and Amazon can predict what you'll enjoy based on what you already like?

It's because people with similar interests tend to like the same groups of things. You don't have to include every little detail if you've already painted a broad picture one movie (or band, novel, etc.) from a sampling of the genres you enjoy will suffice.

Another reason why you don't want your profile to be too lengthy is the glaze factor. Essentially, one of the consequences of the Internet age is that we don't like to scroll if a page is long enough that we have to scroll very far down, we lose interest. Posting every detail is useless if the reader glazes over and leaves before they've even gotten halfway through.

I always like to say that a profile should be more like the back of a paperback novel it should leave the reader wanting more, and not give away the entire plot. In constructing your profile, remember that keeping it short and sweet is almost more important than being clever or interesting.

If you've ever been a member of the gym, you've seen this girl. She's wearing a perfectly matched workout outfit, right down to the socks and the hair tie. Not a strand of her hair is out of place and it's clear that she's wearing a full face of makeup.

How does she expect to work out like that? Even a drop of sweat will send her makeup sliding off her skin or ruin her immaculate ponytail.

The thing is, if you watch her closely, she's not working out. She's walking around, "spotting" a friend who is on the bench press, bending over to drink from the water fountain, and maybe occasionally sitting on the leg curl machine, lazily doing reps on the lowest possible weight while texting on her cell phone.

She attends a gym, but not to work out. She likes the IDEA of working out, but she's really not in it for the exercise. Her real motive is to see and be seen.

On your online dating site, there are women just like this girl. They put up a profile full of beautiful pictures but then will respond to maybe 1 out of every 20-30 emails they receive. Is it because you aren't a good catch? Nope. It's because she's not really there to find a man. She's there to see and be seen.

That's not to say that she won't find someone to date on her online dating site, but generally these women have a super-high bar and will reject nearly every man that emails them, finding some little thing that is obviously wrong with him.

Why? Because it feels great to feel like you have your pick of dozens and dozens of men and that you have the luxury of rejecting nearly all of them. It's all the rush and excitement but with none of the commitment or other scary stuff.

So next time you email a super hot woman on your dating site and get no reply, remember, it's not you, it's her. Move on to the woman who is there for results, not just for the idea of online dating.

Recently a friend of mine prepared to go on his first date with someone he'd met online. It was actually the first date he'd set up with anyone he'd met online, and he was nervous. He's one of those “He's great once you know him, but he's pretty shy at first” types of people.

“Maybe I should drink while I'm out,” he said. “I know I get more sociable when I'm kind of tipsy.”

He may have been telling the truth, but ultimately he decided not to drink more than a glass of wine at dinner on this date. He made the right decision, for several reasons.

It may be really tempting, on a first date, to have a few drinks to “loosen up” - even more tempting if alcohol is a feature of the date location, like a bar. However, there's a few things wrong with this plan. For one thing, alcohol shouldn't really be used in a medicinal sense – if you feel you absolutely need to have alcohol to loosen up or have a good time, you might want to evaluate why that's the case.

For another, you're not going out with your buddies, people with whom you feel safe and who watch out for each other. A first date is essentially a social engagement with a stranger. It's safest to be on top of your game.

Finally, even if you don't have a problem with alcohol and don't even normally drink, it can send the wrong impression. Flip the tables and imagine you're on a date with someone that's drinking like a fish. Sure, they might be nervous... or this might be a normal Friday night for them. Since it's the first date, you'll be forced to make a judgment call. Do you want to send the wrong message to your date?

It's hard enough to get out of your own head on a first date. We're forced to evaluate the one we're with, and make a good impression ourselves, hopefully all while having fun. Don't let alcohol cloud the issue.

If you're looking for less of a relationship and more someone to hang out with, online dating can still work for you! Some people are just getting back into the dating scene after multi-year relationships and marriages and aren't looking for anything "serious" quite yet - and that's OK. The key is to know what you're looking for from the get-go and not send out any conflicting signals to your potential matches online.

There are many sites out there like Chemistry.com and eHarmony that market on the premise of everlasting love. If that's not where your head is at, you need to look elsewhere. Some great sites to explore for less permanent dating arrangements would be Match.com, Adult Friend Finder and Lavalife. All of these sites have extended profile sections where you can explain exactly what you're looking for. Be sure to take advantage of them and spell-out your desires. Curious about what site might fit you best? Do a trial membership. All of these sites have different interfaces and communication methods between members. One's sure to be a better fit for your goals and personality!

For a site like Match.com, don't hesitate to write that you're looking to date casually and why (coming out of a long-term relationship, time constraints, getting back into the swing of things). Your potential matches will appreciate your honesty and there's nothing like being up-front. It keeps hearts from being broken and the wrong ideas from starting to germinate. The extended profile section on Match is the best place for this information, and put it right up at the top for all to read. And here's a tip: if you're interested in more casual dating, don't hesitate to make your profile a bit more brief and the photos fewer. Don't shy away from the entire profile building process entirely, but you're not looking to bear your soul to a potential mate. You're looking for someone that's pleasant to spend time with and jive with your wishes for a more casual relationship.

For sites like Adult Friend Finder and Lavalife, there's a heavier undertone of "looking for sexual partners." While casual dating is a possibility with these sites, there's a more accepting community of people who are looking for someone to have sex with on occasion. If that's what you're looking for - great! You'll find the ideal audience of potential partners at these sites. As with any online dating site, it's imperative to exercise caution when meeting people, but even moreso when there's an implied undertone of sex. Take the time to get to know anyone from a "hook-up" site over coffee (and preferably not over drinks so your judgment isn't impaired). Conversations reveal many things and it's much easier to pass on a prospective bed mate than it is to undo what's already been done under the covers.

And one final, but deep thought to close-out our business on casual encounters: if you're looking to date casually or have identified that you're looking only for a sexual partner, stick with that! If you're dating multiple people, consider how you're going to handle the prospect of sex. Will sleeping with one person rule-out seeing others? How are you built? Are you capable of juggling multiple dates and giving each one your focus? And the same goes for those looking only for sex: having sex doesn't mean falling in love. Be clear about your intentions and don't put yourself in a position that you're not ready or willing to handle. Granted, there's always the possibility of finding that you really click with someone, but don't revert to relationship-like behavior if you don't want to be in a relationship.

For more on dating sites whose members are interested in casual encounters, read our Passion.com review and our Lavalife review.

Who's not looking for love? I mean, aside from your married friends and colleagues, who isn't hoping to find that one special person to spend their life with? It's inevitable that you're going to digitally "run into" someone you know if you're in the online dating scene long enough. What you do when you run into those people, though? Whether a boss, co-worker or friend, we've put together some tips for the best way to communicate during these scenarios:

Scenario 1: You find your boss or go-worker/your boss or co-worker finds you
Awkward to say the least! Have no qualms about the acceptable nature of online dating. After all, your boss apparently thinks it's OK or they wouldn't be on the site. My advice is to not send them a message through the online dating site. Rather, during business hours, ask for a minute of their time and explain the situation to them. Indicate that you saw their profile and fully respect their privacy. Contrarily, if your boss finds your profile, you have to respond to how they chose to handle the situation. If they say nothing, say nothing in return. If they choose to contact you, just indicate that you'd prefer to keep your work and personal lives separate.

Scenario 2: You find a friend/a friend finds you
Did we really think our friends don't date? Well, they do - just like us. And many of them use online dating sites to get the job done. If you come across a friend's profile, no matter how good a friend you are, let them do their thing. Mention to them in person and again, avoid contacting them through the online dating site's messaging system. If you guys are really good friends, many sites have a "suggest a match" feature where you can send your friends on the same site people that they might be interested in. What a great way to build on a friendship! If a friend happens to find you online, manage the situation based on how friendly you two are. If you're close, have a laugh about it. If you're more of an acquaintance with the person, there's no harm in asking them to respect your privacy.