Relationships

You've probably heard all kinds of things about online dating, whether or not it works and the kind of people who use it. Well, most of that is opinion or just myth. Before you completely poo-poo the idea of online dating you need to read this article because I am going to bust the myths about online dating right here, right now.

Myth: Online dating is for losers.

Reality: Online dating is not limited to the stereotypical comic-reading guy in his 40's who lives with his mom or the middle-aged woman who is desperate to mate and procreate! A quick browse through the members of any given site will show you that all kinds of people use online dating. Why wouldn't they? It's convenient and fun!

Myth: Online dating doesn't work.

Reality: Study upon study has shown that online dating does work and actually has a success rate of over 90 percent in the sense that most people who meet do go on to see each other past the first and even second date. That's more than can be said for the old fashioned way.

Myth: Online dating is expensive.

Reality: You can spend as much or as little as you want when it comes to online dating. Of all the myths about online dating, this is the easiest to bust because all you have to do is check out the many free dating sites available, like Plenty of Fish which is huge! (Not to mention where I met my fiancé!)

Myth: Everyone lies on their online dating profile.

Reality: Yes, there are people who lie on their online dating profiles and they're usually the same ones that will lie when dating the old fashioned way too. You run the risk of meeting a liar no matter where you go to meet people but that doesn't mean that everyone you come across lies. With online dating you can be pretty sure that most of the members are there for the same reason that you are and are sincere. You can't say that about everyone at a bar or party.

Myth: Dating sites are full of people who only want sex.

Reality: Thanks to sites that cater to specific wants, tastes and lifestyles, people looking for nothing but sex can find what they want without ending up in the pool of those looking for serious dating and commitment. If you want sex, then you use a site or category for those looking for sex and if you want a long term relationship then you stick to the sites and categories that are specific to those looking for love. It's that simple.

They're the dates we dream of: perfect ones. Where the chai tea latte was just the right temperature, your date was exactly how he or she looked in their pictures, the steak was cooked to perfection and you both clicked like a metronome. You walk away thinking, "This is the one!"

And then the phone never rings again. Your calls go unanswered and you're left wondering, "Was it something I said? Did they get hit by a bus? Maybe they moved to Tanzania?!?"

There are some simple steps you can take to avoid the Perfect Date Blues. While something odd is going to happen during your dating career every now and then, you can keep the oddness from happening more often than not with a few precautionary moves. Keep your head and heart in the game!

Avoid the Pre-Date Build-Up
Especially in online dating, it's easy to have the tendency to carry on pre-first date conversations a bit too long. Over email and the phone, we can be whomever we'd like and make people into most anything we want. Avoid putting yourself in the position of turning your potential date into PlayDoh and molding them into the person you'd like them to be instead of the person they really are. Establish reasonable time frames between making a connection with someone and having your first face-to-face. A week is a good guideline, two tops if your schedules can't seem to align. There's no replacement for in-person chemistry!

Ask the Awkward Question
Which question is that? "Would you like to do this again?" Sometimes it's just assumed that everyone at the table had as good a time as you - but think about those dates where you had a perfectly good time, but there was no thing. You can't put your finger on it and the person across from you would make a great friend. Heck, you could hang out with them for hours and days! But you just didn't see the romantic potential. Give your date an out, and if you're offered the out, remember what it feels like to have Mr. or Miss Wonderful go MIA on you after what you thought was a great date. Decline kindly and set that person free to find their ideal match. You're doing them a favor.

Keep it Brief
There's really no reason to have an epic first date. Keep your initial meeting brief. This is a good guideline to adhere to even if you're not on a first date from an online dating site. Grab coffee, talk a walk around the park, bring your pups to the dog park. Have a time limit and a place to be after. You'll know if you want to see one another again and if you have someplace to be instead of right there, you'll be more apt to start planning that next date right there! Give yourself the opportunity to have a life while looking for your perfect partner. If you're always available, there's no thrill of the hunt for your partner and nothing to look forward to. Limit your first date time and if the chemistry is right, create that awesome sense of urgency for scheduling the next go-round with Mr. or Miss Wonderful.

See? It's pretty easy to avoid the Perfect Date Blues. All you have to do is allow yourself the opportunity to be successful! Not every date is going to result in forever (and thank heavens for that), but those dates that do go well have a better chance of being a repeat event if you give them some breathing room.

Have you ever seen a photo of someone and later been surprised at their age? Maybe they're ten or twenty years older than they look, or maybe you see a photo of a man you think looks around 40, but is really only twenty. What we don't realize is that we're not really judging their age based on their faces; we take far more cues from their hair, clothes, even makeup than the presence of a few fine lines. In fact, you might be surprised at the messages your haircut sends.

Here's how it basically works: a man or woman tend to cling, even subconsciously, to how they looked in what they feel were their most attractive years. Many people feel they were most attractive in their late teens or twenties. As a result, they might feel they look best with that 70s beard or teased hair that they had at the time. And then they keep that look, in some variation or another, for decades after. But when we see a man with a particular hairstyle, or a woman with a certain style of makeup, our brains remember when that was popular, does the math, and estimates an age for that person quicker than we consciously think about it.

Conversely, when we spot a man or woman with up-to-date hair and clothes, we automatically assume they're younger, even if they're balding or have put on a few pounds over the years. Our brain is slightly tricked. Even when we learn the age of the subject, we tend to say things like “he's aging well.” Does this mean dressing like a 20-year-old? Absolutely not; it might help to check out what famous people of your generation are doing. Sure, they have plastic surgery and personal trainers, but they also have personal shoppers who mostly keep their clients from being embarrassed. And haircuts are a good way of staying modern that just about anyone can try.

Why bother trying to look up-to-date? Well, aside from looking younger, if you look like you just walked out of a time capsule, it says that you're rigid in your routine. And someone very set in their ways doesn't really seem open-minded or open to disruptions, even for a relationship. So consider: have you been following the same beauty routine since 1987? It might be worth trying out an update.

Do you find yourself at the same coffee shop date after date? Same bar? Same restaurant? We all have places we're comfortable and there's nothing wrong with comfort, but if you're looking to break out of your bubble, we've got some great (and free!) resources for you to use. Since you're reading this article, we know you've got access to the web. That's all you need to find the next cool spot to meet on your next date.

Yelp
The cool thing about Yelp is that it's a city-specific guide built around user reviews of each location included in its directory. Hence, you know what to expect, straight from the horse's mouth, before you step foot in the door. If you've never been to Yelp.com, it's free and simple to use. You can search in your own backyard and by such criteria as name, type of food or activity. The results will pull up on a map and you can see how close each location is to your starting point (great if you're on the go and looking to grab a quick bite or a fun afternoon adventure). You can also read the review and find which locations boast the best margarita or hot wings to die for. Trust the other Yelpers to guide you to a homerun. If you'd like, you can join Yelp for free and leave your own reviews along the way.

CitySearch
A bit older than Yelp, CitySearch.com is another city-by-city guide to what's the latest and greatest in pretty much every niche you can imagine. Night clubs to restaurant and hair salons, you'll be able to read a business profile, hours of operation, get a link to the business's website and read user reviews (if available). Like Yelp, you can leave your own reviews by simply joining as a member and if you're in search of a hot date spot, that's a criteria you can search by, too!

In dating, it's not uncommon to hear the phrase, “right person, wrong time.” Maybe there was some amazing chemistry, but one or both parties weren't ready to settle down just yet. There's a flip side to this situation - “wrong person, trying to force the right time.” We don't hear about it as much, because it's less fraught with drama and more insidious and difficult to detect.

Imagine two couples, each on their first date. Both first dates go almost exactly the same – they're... nice. The people involved are reasonably attractive, though they're not exactly having an instant attraction with their dates. But there's nothing wrong with anyone involved – and they're all on the same page with regard to their life goals – everyone's ready to settle down. At the end of the night, both couples agree to a second date.

Couple Number One find, on their second date, that they share a love for collecting vinyl records, and the conversation was interesting enough that they called each other when they got home to finish it. They might not have swooned when they first met each other, but over time they found their date increasingly attractive. Their first date was essentially two strangers meeting; however, they quickly became friends, and soon developed into much more.

Couple Number Two had a nice time on their first date, and a nice time on their second date. They weren't incredibly attracted to each other, but there wasn't anyone more attractive that they could find on the dating site. And, while they may not have much in common, there definitely didn't seem to be anything wrong with either of them. Plus, they both wanted to get married and have children relatively soon, and it's hard to find people with the same goals... isn't it? So they went on another date, and another. All were nice.

Through contrasting these couples, it's easy to tell which developed a connection and which didn't, but it can be a bit tricky when you're trying to decide if you're Couple Number Two. Since dating usually does involve meeting a stranger, no one should expect instant fireworks every time. Still, it's not a bad idea to occasionally ask yourself: how many dates have you had? Do you like this person much more than you did on the first meeting? And finally, while comfort is definitely an asset in a healthy relationship, is comfort all you've ever felt? It can be difficult to break out of one of these relationships, but in the long run, being with the wrong person is far worse than being single.

I recently saw an interview on TV with pop pioneer Cyndi Lauper. She was asked what advice she would give to young aspiring musicians. Essentially, her advice was to figure out who you are, and what you want to be. Once you have a firm vision and are comfortable with yourself, she said, the rest would be easier.

Not bad advice for the music world, or really, life in general. However, I think this applies particularly well as we attack the dating world. Dating can be hard; just like the music industry, some rejection is commonplace and to be expected, and there's a large pool of competitors. Every skill that we gain can be valuable in setting us apart from the crowd.

And perhaps the best skill to have is self-confidence. Not only does self-confidence have positive effects on our own mental state, it's also attractive to others. No human being is without flaws, either physical or psychological; however, those who are accepting of their flaws and accentuate their strong aspects only draw attention to the positive.

Unfortunately, sometimes having self-confidence is easier said than done. For many, one of the most difficult skills to acquire. However, this is where the second part of Cyndi's advice comes in: figure out what you want to be. Self-confidence doesn't have to arrive as an entire package; identify the positives in your life, and then work on what you can change. Maybe you're working on quelling your fears at trying something new; the very knowledge that you're working on a problem can make you stand taller, even if you're not quite where you want to be yet.

Once you're more comfortable with who you are, both good and bad, it's easier to present yourself with confidence to anyone else, whether it's a job interview or a first date. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world can to learn to like yourself – but once you do, it's easier for everyone else.