Relationships

I frequently compare online dating sites with the hunt to find a potential match “in real life.” Recently, I've begun to notice something vaguely unsettling and a little unexpected about those who attempt both at the same time. To put it simply, many people have much higher expectations when they peruse online dating sites than when they meet someone in a random setting.

You could chalk it up to various mitigating circumstances, as I have in the past. Maybe it has to do with alcohol, which is often present in in-person encounters. Maybe people are more depressed when they're looking online.

And this is very probably true, to a certain extent. However, I think the main factor here is advertising. We've grown up watching movies and TV shows about unlikely pairings, opposites attracting, the fact that the best thing might be right in front of our faces. Thus, we're more mentally open to the idea of growing into a relationship with people we meet by chance. We also tend to discount “love at first sight” as something that exists in only the sappiest of fictional romances.

Now consider the marketing for online dating sites. All of the most saccharine anecdotes are trotted out. We're told explicitly that we can find our perfect match – that we can experience love at first read, even. Rather than being told that the perfect match for us might not be that guy in GQ magazine or that supermodel we dream about, we're encouraged to seek out that dream image. After all, the possibilities are endless, right?

I still think online dating is an incredibly valid and useful tool in finding potential relationships, and meeting new people. I simply worry about those people who might pass up perfectly good matches because they don't line up with their imaginary dream person. I've seen people accept dates from chance encounters simply because the person asking was nice, only to turn up their noses at many exciting options online.

One of the most exciting features of online dating sites is the ability to try out different options and find happiness in unexpected places. Don't miss out by searching only for your “dream” match. Love is exciting enough; it doesn't need to be crammed into a cliché.

Don’t signal the waiter for the check

You might be on a date and having a terrible time. When that happens, you want to leave as soon as possible. But, just because the date isn’t going well doesn’t mean you should hurt his feelings by asking for the check. No matter how bad the date is, the guy doesn’t deserve to be left mid-meal.

Don’t be irritating and ask for a different table

Don’t you hate it when you are seated in the back at a bad table? I certainly do. However, there’s no excuse that allows you to change tables. You don’t want your date to think you are extremely difficult, so stay where you are.

Don’t order something too expensive

If you choose the most expensive entree on the menu, your date is going to get the wrong idea. He might even think you’re after his money. You don’t want him to be offended and think you are rude. So, order something reasonably priced. Your date will silently thank you when the check comes.

I may not be psychic, but I can read a dating profile and tell a client a lot about their ex (or exes!). The funniest part about it is the absolute shock when my clients admit that yes, that's exactly what their ex was like... how did I KNOW? (It never gets old.) It must be the same look that my friend the tarot reader gets when she nails a card reading for someone.

Realize it or not, most of you are leaving a trail of breadcrumbs in your profile that describes exactly what your most recent ex did to you. Or didn't do for you.

In women's profiles, I often see:
"Faithful" = my ex was a cheater
"Honest" = my ex was a liar
"Family Values" = my ex didn't want to get married and have babies

In men's profiles, I often see:
"Communicative" = my ex never told me how she was feeling
"Truthful" = my ex was a liar (or more often, left out important details)
"Stable" = my ex was crazy

It's not your fault. It's human nature for us to describe something we want in terms that give away the last model we owned.

Think about cars, for example. I own a 2002 Mitsubishi Mirage. I bought it 100% because the dealership had a $0 down, $0 interest & $0 payments for a year special. And it was red. And a stick. It was the first new car I had ever owned.

But now that I've driven Xanadu for 8 years, I've come to realize there are some things I wouldn't mind in my next car. If I were writing a personal ad for my perfect car match, I'd say that I want one with a quiet cabin, cruise control, and four doors.

What are the problems I have with my current car? You guessed it! It's noisy as heck on the highway, long trips are a pain in the leg without cruise control, and having passengers in the back is difficult with only two doors.

Take a good gander at your current profile. Obviously, there are going to be some factoids about your ex that will be given away, but taking the time to smooth away the more obvious ones will improve the quality of your profile and the results it gets for you!

It may sound cliché, but you never do have a second chance to make a first impression. Especially when dating. Unfortunately, judgments are in high gear on a date, so it's important to put your best foot forward. And yes, this means your appearance.

I live in L.A. where everything is casual...people wear jeans to work and flip-flops to work. However, when you are meeting a date for the first time, don't show up in sweats or t-shirts. Look like you put a little effort into it. Not only will your date notice, but you will feel more confident. Some things to keep in mind:

1. If you wore it 10 years ago, don't put it on. Even if you are new to the dating scene again, please don't recycle your wardrobe. Buy something new or borrow from a friend. You want to go out feeling good AND current.

2. Don't be sloppy. You don't have to wear an expensive suit or dress to impress a date. Just be mindful of the condition of your clothes...are they wrinkled, or dirty? Are you wearing board shorts because they are comfortable, rather than jeans that look better? And guys---trade in the flip flops for closed shoes too, please.

3. Don't cake on the make-up. Ladies, we all want to emphasize our best features---eyes, lips, whatever the case. However, using a heavy hand when applying make-up doesn't help. Guys usually prefer a more natural look, so remember that the next time you apply. If you tend to overdo it, be conservative. On the other hand, if you don't wear make-up at all, I encourage you to try for your next date. A little lipstick and mascara won't hurt.

4. When in doubt, ask a friend. Maybe fashion isn't your thing, so you just grab whatever is in the closet. For your next date, ask a friend who is more fashion saavy to come over and help you pick out something great. Likely they will be happy to help and you'll leave feeling more confident.

Occasionally, I hear complaints from friends. They say things like, “When I approached that girl, I couldn't have done anything better!” or “I sent this guy the perfect first email, and he never sent anything back.” They'll spend an extraordinary amount of time analyzing what they could have done differently, what they did wrong. It seems that the most difficult thing for some people to process is actually the simplest answer: that they couldn't have done anything better, and the ultimate verdict lies with the other person.

Losing control of any situation is hard. When it's our potential relationships, we want to have total control over the outcome. In some cases, being proactive actually makes it more difficult to let go: those people become all the more determined to “fix” their situation, thinking there's “something” they can do differently.

The truth is, any relationship – even a chance meeting – is comprised of two people, and those two people are of equal importance. Just as a bad day might screw up your mood or cause you to miss overtures from a stranger altogether, so it might dampen someone else's. Just as you are allowed to not be attracted to someone, so can they. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there or the circumstances simply isn't right – and that's okay.

If you're improving your emailing skills, refining the way you approach people, you will see an overall improvement. But no one person is irresistible to everyone in the world, and you might not always hit it off. Maybe you need to approach more people to see that now your success rate is one in six instead of one in ten, or maybe there's still more work to be done. The important thing, however, is that you don't dwell on those times that don't work out. Letting go may be one of the hardest lessons, but it's the one that will allow you to move on to success.

The custom of arranged marriage is very popular in India but in countries like the United States and Canada it is not popular. In North America when a match could not be found locally, families from India and other Asian countries sometimes resorted to using newspaper classified sections to find a potential suitor for one of their children. This practice has now changed thanks to online dating. Dating sites like Shaadi.com have matched more than a million South Asian couples and now parents are logging on to find potential matches for their children. Many parents find "religion, mother tongue, residency status, education, caste or class, astrological sign and diet" important attributes in a mate for their child. Shaadi.com does keep track of this information within member profiles which makes it easy for parents to find matches. Roughly 20 percent of profiles on Shaadi were created by parents looking for a partner for one or more of their children. The average age of a profile is in the range of 26 to 35.

In Canada Shaadi.com has become so popular that they have opened up their first North American center in Mississauga Ontario in March of this year (close to Toronto). The greater Toronto area is home to more than 700,000 South Asian Canadians making it ideal for a matchmaking center. Shaadi also has started to promote their new center not only online, but off as well through billboards and other physical media to better reach their target audience.

To find out more details about this dating site, check out our review of Shaadi.com.