Relationships

In the world of online dating, there's a word that is frequently bandied about: perfect. Find your perfect match! Your perfect mate! The perfect person could be out there waiting!

The implication, of course, should be that it's the perfect person for you, not someone perfect in general. After all, no one's perfect, right? Say the word enough, however, and some begin to expect true perfection.

I hear it all the time: “Well, he looks good on paper, sure, but I don't think he looks like my type.” “She's cute, but she's taller than I am.” “He says he's a vegetarian, and they tend to be a little extreme.” Look, the chemistry you have with someone in-person is important, sure. And sometimes someone does possess an interest or trait that, for you, might be a deal-breaker. However, all these things are easily assessed in person; it's a shame to bypass a profile completely because you're not absolutely positive you'll be madly in love at first sight.

Perhaps some do feel an instant connection with a picture, or a list of interests. However, how many of your previous relationships have started based on an instant attraction? For me, it's far more likely that a friendly acquaintance has developed into something more. Some relationships have a primal attraction; some are a little more intellectual. Neither is better or worse than the other.

Online dating sites offer the opportunity to meet people you might not otherwise encounter – but it's useless if you don't actually get out there and meet some of them. Remember: the sites are merely a tool to jump-start a relationship – they aren't actually supposed to develop on the site. Ultimately, there will be a relationship between two people, not two profiles. Even if they're not quite your type, get out there are meet someone new! Who knows what might develop? Not-Quite-So-Perfect might actually be Perfect-For-You.

You've been emailing and having great conversations over the phone, and now your latest online romance wants to meet you in person.

The excitement of a first date is contagious, and you often would like to recreate the chemistry you had over the phone, and may get a little carried away with what you disclose. Remember, you are still getting to know your date, no matter how many great conversations you've shared. First impressions are key. Concentrate on making it fun and light.

Here are some guidelines to keep in mind when you start talking:

1. Keep your exes to yourself. This isn't a church confessional, and you don't have to share the details of past boyfriends or girlfriends to your date. If you ramble on about what went wrong in the relationship, or how wrong your ex was for you, it tends to backfire and make you look like you're bitter or pining. Do yourself and your date a favor and leave the exes out of it.

2. Don't advocate your political opinions. Even if you and your date both consider yourselves politically similar, everyone has differences of opinion. If you want to argue your point of view and get into a debate on the first date, do yourself a favor and stop. You risk alienating your date and coming across as intolerant or judgmental.

3. Don't go on about your job. Sure, you might think that you have the most interesting work environment that's ever been, but your date probably won't think so. Instead of going on and on about it and making him feel more left out, keep references to a minimum. It's a better idea to share and ask questions about career interests, rather than recount the daily office drama.

4. Refrain from sharing your health history. I have a friend who starts off most dates listing her ailments, or what she is suffering from lately. Needless to say, it doesn't help her in winning over men that interest her. Of course, there are exceptions if you are dealing with a serious disease that you feel it necessary to disclose right away. But for most daters, instead of feeling the need to share your problems upfront, consider it a healthier decision to keep the conversation light on the first date.

5. Keep it light. I've been on many dates where men felt the need to share their anger and frustrations with me right away...whether it's about work, women they've dated, or family issues. This left me feeling overwhelmed rather than connected. I would have rather spent the date talking about his dog or his favorite TV show---something that might be boring but not so heavy. Heavy conversation on a first date can quickly kill budding chemistry.

When you are online dating, the first email message is one of your most important selling tools (aside from your profile of course). It can persuade someone who might have overlooked your profile to reconsider. Do you know how to effectively engage someone over email?

Consider the following when first communicating with your online matches:

• Spell words fully and correctly. An email isn't a text message, so people are less forgiving when they see poor grammar and spelling. Instead of trying to be cute and saying "how r u?", try something more substantial. You don't have a 72-character limit on email, so give it a go!

• Be specific. Instead of sending a generic compliment or question, read her profile and ask about something related. For instance, if she says she likes to travel, ask her about her favorite trip and tell her (briefly) about a great travel experience you've had. This will show her that you paid attention and are genuinely interested.

• Don't mass email. I've said this before, but it's so important. If you are sending the same email to multiple people, it's pretty obvious to the reader. Don't expect many responses unless you take the time to personalize each one.

• Don't just compliment appearance. If he/she is good looking, he's heard it before and you want to stand out from the crowd. Instead of writing a general compliment about how beautiful she is, go specific and ask her about an activity or hobby she mentions in her profile.

• Be brief. There is no reason to write a novel for a first email, since you are really only introducing yourself and trying to engage him in conversation. Keep it to a few sentences, and again focus on your match's profile.

Most importantly, if matches aren't responding to your emails, it's important to review to see where changes could be made. If you keep sending the same types of emails and receive no response, try something different! Communication is key when it comes to dating, and improving your emailing skills goes a long way in making you a great candidate.

There's an old saying that people love to debate: there's no such thing as a truly selfless act. If you feel good doing something for someone else, you are therefore being nice in order to get that positive feeling. Thus, is it possible to be truly selfless?

I'm beginning to think there's a similar conundrum in the world of dating. You see, we're often told that love is found when you're least expecting it. Well, let's say you don't see anyone remotely compatible at work, and you're something of a social hermit. If no effort is made, you're pretty much reduced to hoping you run into prospective people at the grocery store or post office – and while that does happen, it's not a certainty (maybe you live in an elderly neighborhood to boot).

The logical conclusion, to me, would be to switch up your routine, and make an effort to get out and do something you enjoy. Try to make it social – reading is typically a solo activity, but there are book clubs. You're raising your chances of meeting anyone – whether for friendship or romance – and you're doing something you enjoy as well. It's a win-win situation.

I suggested a social overhaul to a friend of mine recently. He wasn't convinced. “But if I join something,” he said, “I'll know that I'm doing it because I want to meet someone.”

“That's why you choose something you enjoy,” I said. “If you don't meet anyone, you're still having fun. And maybe you'll make a new friend, and maybe they'll know someone who would be a good match, and so on.”

“But then I'll have that scenario in my mind too,” he argued. “In the back of my mind I'll know I'm looking for someone.”

At this point my brain began to hurt.

I'll put it simply: if you're only ever at work and home, your social life is in need of improvement, both romantic and otherwise. You can't expect a Mr. or Mrs. Right to come knocking on your door. Online dating is an option, but it's hard to feel a connection with someone without any outside interests or hobbies. Maybe originally you'll have a romantic “ulterior motive” if you make yourself get out more; it doesn't matter. If you're meeting people, and having a good time, your social life will be improved, and that in itself is a victory.

I recently heard that there are dating sites that match up couples based on their taste in books. While this sounds compelling, the first thought I had was, “What about all those fans of romance novels?”

The truth is, we are all multi-layered individuals with many interests. Some of those interests are incredibly niche, and some of them even tend to fall along gender lines. While it's certainly possible to find men who like romance novels and women who like military science fiction, it's not easy.

So what does that mean when we're filling out our online dating profiles? Should we censor ourselves? Should we produce a more distilled, generic version of ourselves?

Well, no. However, since we have a wide range of interests, it can't hurt to double-check that we're not only listing the difficult, niche ones. Maybe you like military science fiction, but you also like Star Wars. It's going to be much easier to find another Star Wars fan. Or maybe you're a woman with a weakness for chick flicks – well, you might find men who have one as well, but the movies have acquired that term for a reason. Don't hold your breath.

Remember, it's okay if you don't match up in every single interest. If you do wind up in a long-term relationship, eventually you're going to want your own space, your own interests. It might be fun to have a partner with whom to attend that comic book convention – but you might be just as happy leaving the partner at home and going with a friend.

Maybe you're holding out hope that you find that one person who loves military science fiction as much as you do. It's perfectly acceptable to include it in your profile; I would just make sure there's other, more popular interests as well. As an alternative, you could list “science fiction,” and list a few specific favorites that would appeal to the military buff, while still leaving the door open for other kinds of sci-fi.

So as you're proofreading your online dating profile, ask yourself: are your interests too niche? Do you have a balance that reflects who you are, but that others can relate to? Remember, part of meeting friends is finding what you have in common, not simply listing who you are.

The Huffington Post recently published an article that discusses how you can use your relationship as a de-stressing tool. Seriously? We all usually think of relationships as a cause of stress, not a relief. However, the article talks about some behaviors that we can incorporate into our day-to-day to lower stress and improve our relationships simultaneously.

We're "pair bonders," says the article. It means we register those affectionate touches and physical contact from our partners as signs of affection and approval, thus lowering stress. We have higher levels of stress when we feel as if we're not "approved" or liked. So why not spend some time with your partner holding hands, snuggling on the couch and getting close? Add hugs back into your routine and hold hands. How often we forget to do these things? Well, stop forgetting! The article indicates that touch is one of the best stress relievers possible. Smiling also reduces cortisol, the stress hormone. Hey - smiling is easy, right?

You can also de-stress your relationship with eye contact, comforting words and kissing. This all seems kind of like a no-brainer, doesn't it? The essence of the article is that we should be using our relationships as points of de-stressing instead of origins of stress. If we took the time of out the day to focus on intimacy with our partners, including physical contact, verbal and non-verbal communication and simple acts of kindness, it offers two-way benefits: not only do we start spending more loving time with our partners (which improves our relationship) but we lower the stress in our life, making us a better partner through and through!

The article does warn, however, to engage in a period of more loving behavior for a period of three weeks, Longer could dampen the senses to these affectionate displays and negate the good vibes you're building. That's not to say you should switch to "mean." It's just a word of warning that too much of a good thing can indeed be too much!

You can read the entire article at the Huffington Post here.