Relationships

We all have something we'd like to change about ourselves. Maybe we have several somethings we'd like to change: our weight, that haircut that's growing out so slowly. Maybe it goes a little deeper, like we wish we were more brave and could try something new. That's okay; no one's perfect. But when it comes to your online dating profile, there's one large no-no: never apologize for who you are.

That's not to say you should brag about how wonderful you are (well, maybe just a little). But if there's something you're planning on changing – so much so that you want to bring it up on your profile – bring it up on your own terms. Don't be apologetic about it. Don't say, “I know I'm a little chubby, but I'm trying to work on that.” Try something like, “Recently I've joined a gym, and it feels great to have a healthier routine.” Instead of saying, “Trying new things is difficult for me, but I'm doing my best,” say, “Last month I joined a pottery class. I was nervous at first, but it's proven to be quite fun!”

The reader should be attracted to who you are, not who you promise you will be. And the first step in that direction is confidence about who you are, right now. Maybe you're not quite where you'd like to be, but that doesn't mean you're not good enough.

And remember: we are always pickier about ourselves – more often than not something that seems huge to us is much less significant to others. I once had a friend who was so keen to pick out a new picture for his profile now that he had lost 70 pounds. We went through his photos, and he realized two things: first, that it doesn't matter if you're thinner if you're scowling at the camera – a bad picture is a bad picture, and secondly, that his weight only affected his face minimally to begin with. Sure, he was much healthier now that he'd lost the weight, but it didn't affect how he looked in pictures all that much.

So when you're working on your online dating profile, be confident about who you are, not who you will become. Maybe actively working on things you want to change will be a confidence boost, like my friend and his weight. Still, ultimately, you need to be happy with yourself, faults and all. Everyone has them, and the person who ultimately falls in love with you will love you for the entire package, not just one aspect. Why can't you love yourself as well?

Online relationships, like all relationships, follow a natural cycle. A couple meets, starts to get to know each other, and if the connection is strong they begin dating and the relationship enters a blissful, problem-free "honeymoon period." But unfortunately, in most cases, the idyllic phase doesn't last, problems arise, and the couple finds itself faced with the dreaded final stage in the relationship cycle: the break up.

Many find it difficult to identify the signs that a relationship has run its course and needs to come to an end, while others are able to recognize the signs but choose to stay in spite of being unhappy, uncomfortable, or unsatisfied because they have difficulty coming to terms with the dissolution of their relationship and their impending singlehood. Taking the latter path is always unhealthy, and can potentially be dangerous when your relationship is conducted online. Be aware of the following five online romance red flags, and end your relationship immediately if you begin to experience any of them:

1. Lies & Discrepancies. Any relationship based on deception is doomed to failure, but dishonest online relationships have the potential to be twice as harmful due to the number of scammers and other criminals that search for victims on online dating sites. If you notice inconsistencies in the things your online partner says and does, or catch them being untruthful, it's in your best interest to play it safe and protect yourself by ending the relationship.

2. Excessive Anger. It's normal for partners in a relationship to vent their frustrations to each other, but taking this to an extreme is a sign of emotional and behavioral problems. If your cyber date is irrationally angry most of the time, particularly if their anger is directed at you, dissolve the relationship.

3. Any Feelings of Fear or Discomfort. If at any time you feel frightened, threatened, uncomfortable, or concerned about your safety, your online relationship must end immediately. There is a very good reason evolution has equipped humans with an effective fear response, so trust your gut instincts!

4. Controlling Behavior. Beware of online companions who place unreasonable demands on your time, attempt to control your activities and emotions, and try to dictate things like where you can go and who you are allowed to speak with. Abusive relationships online are just as dangerous and damaging as abusive relationships offline.

5. Stalking. Partners in an online romance, as well as those in traditional relationships, must never overstep the boundaries or exceed the personal comfort levels set forth by the participants. Tracking your actions online - or spying on you in person - is a clear signal that something is seriously wrong. The issue must be addressed as soon as possible to avoid ending up in an increasingly dangerous situation.

No one enjoys going through a break up, but remember that sometimes there is more than a broken heart at stake. Protect yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically by ending any online relationship immediately when these red flags appear.

An online dating profile can tell you a lot about a person - Does she smoke? Does he want children? What are his hobbies? Where did she go to school? - but there are a few key things that you will probably never find in someone's profile, like arrest records, sex offender status, and financial history.

When you're meeting someone in person, things like body language, tone of voice, and pace of speech offer a lot of clues about the truthfulness of what your date is telling you. But when all of the information you know about someone has been gathered from the text of profiles, emails, and instant messaging conversations, it is much more difficult to determine if your date is being dishonest.

So how do you protect yourself from predators?

You could try asking something along the lines of "Hey, you don't happen to have a criminal record, do you?" but it's not the smoothest of pickup lines and I have a tiny hunch that most prospective dates would consider it a turn-off. Instead, I recommend a more subtle (and confidential!) approach: the online criminal background check.

A background check is the ideal way to discretely find out if someone you're interested in is a liar or a potential lover. If you find nothing suspicious, you haven't hurt your date's feelings or made them uncomfortable with the aforementioned awkward pickup line, and if you do find something that makes you nervous you still have time to walk away from the situation easily.

Some Web sites, like DateDetective.com, cater specifically to online dating, but most sites conduct general background checks on either a statewide or a nationwide level. FreeBackgroundChecksUSA.com, for instance, presents basic facts about each state (like population and largest city) as well as information on crime rates within the state. They also provide links to the National Sex Offender Registry, and places where you can find out more about criminal records, incarceration records, and court records.

SnoopStation.com offers a free option that takes you through a short questionnaire to determine exactly what information you'd like to acquire and what information you already have. If you know the person's name, you then have the option to search his or her criminal history, financial history (or occupational details), marital/relationship history, vital details (like name, age, and SSN), location, or to simply find out as much information as possible about the person. If you do not know the person's name, you can search using his or her phone number, address, email address, or Web site URL.

CriminalSearches.com is a very easy-to-use site that provides information using a simple system of symbols that puts offenses into several categories: Behavioral, Business, Drug & Alcohol, Sex Related, Theft/Robbery, Violent, and Traffic/Other. Like many other online background check sites, CriminalSearches.com offers basic information for free and redirects to a paid service for a more detailed report.

I recommend searching several different sites and comparing the results, to ensure the accuracy of their information. You can also check accuracy by running a search on your own name. If you ever find yourself worrying about the honesty of someone you've met online, don't hesitate to conduct a quick search on an online background check site. The old adage is true: better safe than sorry!

“It's not you, it's me.” In some form or another, we've all heard this phrase – and some of us have probably used it once or twice. It's probably one of the most commonly-used themes in dating and breakups. But if you use it all the time, when does it become a sign that there's a deeper problem?

A friend of mine has been having trouble in love. She's found a good guy – a great guy, really. While Hollywood likes to portray men as commitmentphobes, she is actually the one who has resisted a good relationship. First she wondered if there was some secret the man was hiding, if he was literally too good to be true. She got to know him, and those fears were laid to rest.

Next she wondered if maybe she wasn't fully attracted to him – if some component was missing. That, however, all seems to be in order as well. Try as she might to find something lacking in this guy, my friend simply couldn't. And for a few weeks, she was happy.

Until they began discussing future plans. Some deep fear was triggered in my friend, and again she's having doubts. This time, though, she knows it can't be due to the man she's seeing – so she must be the one at fault. Maybe she's “just not feeling it.” In short, she's tried so hard to find a problem, she's decided she must be the problem.

And at this rate, maybe she's right. But I don't think the problem is that she's “just not feeling it” - I think it's that she's so afraid to be happy, so used to the never-ending hunt for the “perfect guy,” that the prospect of having actually found a good guy is somewhat unreal to her. Some part of her brain is afraid to relax, afraid to be happy. And unfortunately, if she can't sort out her heart, this guy is going to pay the price as well.

Will my friend be able to get it together, or is she really “just not feeling it”? Only she can truly answer that, and only time will tell. In the meantime, as you embark on your own first dates, think of your own hearts: are you simply trying to be cautious as you start a new relationship, or are you searching for problems that don't exist? Are you creating the "It's not you, it's me" situation?

Often, when there's a problem with anything, it's because it's not balanced. Bike falling over? Balance problem. Gaining weight? Probably not a very balanced diet. Not balancing your partying with your eating and sleeping and working? You might run into problems.

Similarly, many online dating profiles have problems that come down to balance. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen profiles in which the writer gives next to no information about themselves, and then proceeds to write a novel about who they're looking for. Okay, sure, you might know you're everything the person is looking for... but why should you email them? What do they have to offer? Are they not telling you because they're ashamed? Or maybe they're one of those people in which the fault in a relationship always lies with someone else, and they think they're perfect? See, if there's not enough information, the imagination really gets going.

On the other end of the spectrum are the unbalanced people who spend little time in their profile on what they're looking for and the rest of it on Number One. Sometimes these can read like resumes, and not in a good way: “I can fix electronics! I'm handy around the house! I know how to cook! I've got good birthing hips!” This might get them some job offers, but it's hard to know if you're what they're looking for. In fact, it's hard to know if they're looking for anyone at all, or if they just decided to use the space to advertise what a great human being they are.

Oh, before I forget, there are those who are unbalanced in a third way: very little text, lots of sexy pictures. Vague statements that can be applied to anyone, like fortune cookies. These are probably, I'm sorry to say, not legitimate profiles. Beware.

The problem is that an online dating profile should be used as a baseline to test compatibility. You're not trying to sell yourself, and you're not trying to hire someone – you're trying to find a friend. And whether you know it or not, an unbalanced profile is sending one very large message: if the writing is one-sided, we probably wouldn't be able to have a good conversation, either. And thus, the reader moves on.

Luckily, checking for balance in your profile is something that's very simple to do. You don't even have to reread every word – just scan it for sections. Do you spend maybe two paragraphs on yourself and one on your dream match, or two on yourself and eight on your match? It doesn't have to be exactly equal, but you should be able to easily tell if something is off. Give it a try – bringing a little extra balance into your life could bring rewards.

On July 16, 2010, in Westchester County, New York, a man named Solomon Jesus Nasser pleaded guilty to a charge of third-degree grand larceny, after stealing nearly $200,000 over a course of three years.

His victims were women he'd met through online dating services. Nasser won the trust and admiration of his targets by claiming to be an advisor to President George W. Bush, a high-ranking official in the Department of Defense, and a Navy admiral, among other things. He would then mention that he was having financial difficulties as a result of legal issues, and subsequently would ask for loans to cover his living expenses.

Now that his online dating scam has been exposed, Nasser has been ordered to pay restitution, and faces up to seven years in prison.

It's a tragic story, but there have been many others just like it. The Internet is a wonderful tool for finding love, but falling in love means letting your guard down, and letting your guard down online can sometimes mean disaster. Most online dating sites do not perform background checks or other verification procedures on new members, and the sites that do claim to take precautions such as these are frequently not able to perform the services effectively. It's up to you, then, to protect yourself against online criminals.

Beware of the following four widespread scams when looking for love online:

1. Phone calls that will cost you a fortune. Dial with caution. Calling certain phone numbers will cause charges of hundreds of dollars to appear on your next phone bill. Only contact numbers with area codes you recognize or - better yet - use a VOIP client like Skype so that your personal phone number remains private and require interested members to contact you.

2. Fake profiles. Steer clear of profiles with sexually explicit usernames, profile pictures, and written content. They are almost always sex workers looking for paying clients, not people looking for dinner-and-a-movie dates with potential love matches.

3. Lies about long-distance love. One of the major advantages of online dating is that it allows you to connect with individuals all over the world, but the Internet's global reach can also make it a dangerous place to meet people. Scammers in foreign countries often build rapport with victims and then ask for money for airfare so that they can meet their "dates" in person. Never offer to pay for someone's travel expenses - odds are, you will stop hearing from them as soon as the money is transferred.

4. The Nigerian scam. Also known as the 419 fraud, this is a classic Web-based con that can be found almost everywhere online. In comes in many guises, but typical manifestations of the scam involve a person posing as a government or bank employee (or someone related to such a person) and making requests like:

• Asking to transfer a large sum of money into your bank account.

• Offering to pay you to cash checks and send them the money.

• Appealing to you to help a dying person give his money to charity.

Do not ever send money to or accept money from someone on an online dating site, no matter how safe it seems.

You can't always protect a vulnerable heart from being broken, but you can protect a vulnerable bank account from being the victim of an online scam.