It's Not You, It's Me
- Friday, August 27 2010 @ 08:31 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,822
“It's not you, it's me.” In some form or another, we've all heard this phrase – and some of us have probably used it once or twice. It's probably one of the most commonly-used themes in dating and breakups. But if you use it all the time, when does it become a sign that there's a deeper problem?
A friend of mine has been having trouble in love. She's found a good guy – a great guy, really. While Hollywood likes to portray men as commitmentphobes, she is actually the one who has resisted a good relationship. First she wondered if there was some secret the man was hiding, if he was literally too good to be true. She got to know him, and those fears were laid to rest.
Next she wondered if maybe she wasn't fully attracted to him – if some component was missing. That, however, all seems to be in order as well. Try as she might to find something lacking in this guy, my friend simply couldn't. And for a few weeks, she was happy.
Until they began discussing future plans. Some deep fear was triggered in my friend, and again she's having doubts. This time, though, she knows it can't be due to the man she's seeing – so she must be the one at fault. Maybe she's “just not feeling it.” In short, she's tried so hard to find a problem, she's decided she must be the problem.
And at this rate, maybe she's right. But I don't think the problem is that she's “just not feeling it” - I think it's that she's so afraid to be happy, so used to the never-ending hunt for the “perfect guy,” that the prospect of having actually found a good guy is somewhat unreal to her. Some part of her brain is afraid to relax, afraid to be happy. And unfortunately, if she can't sort out her heart, this guy is going to pay the price as well.
Will my friend be able to get it together, or is she really “just not feeling it”? Only she can truly answer that, and only time will tell. In the meantime, as you embark on your own first dates, think of your own hearts: are you simply trying to be cautious as you start a new relationship, or are you searching for problems that don't exist? Are you creating the "It's not you, it's me" situation?
A friend of mine has been having trouble in love. She's found a good guy – a great guy, really. While Hollywood likes to portray men as commitmentphobes, she is actually the one who has resisted a good relationship. First she wondered if there was some secret the man was hiding, if he was literally too good to be true. She got to know him, and those fears were laid to rest.
Next she wondered if maybe she wasn't fully attracted to him – if some component was missing. That, however, all seems to be in order as well. Try as she might to find something lacking in this guy, my friend simply couldn't. And for a few weeks, she was happy.
Until they began discussing future plans. Some deep fear was triggered in my friend, and again she's having doubts. This time, though, she knows it can't be due to the man she's seeing – so she must be the one at fault. Maybe she's “just not feeling it.” In short, she's tried so hard to find a problem, she's decided she must be the problem.
And at this rate, maybe she's right. But I don't think the problem is that she's “just not feeling it” - I think it's that she's so afraid to be happy, so used to the never-ending hunt for the “perfect guy,” that the prospect of having actually found a good guy is somewhat unreal to her. Some part of her brain is afraid to relax, afraid to be happy. And unfortunately, if she can't sort out her heart, this guy is going to pay the price as well.
Will my friend be able to get it together, or is she really “just not feeling it”? Only she can truly answer that, and only time will tell. In the meantime, as you embark on your own first dates, think of your own hearts: are you simply trying to be cautious as you start a new relationship, or are you searching for problems that don't exist? Are you creating the "It's not you, it's me" situation?
Subscribe
