Relationships

I hosted speed dating events for about 6 years, and I often saw the same mistakes repeated again and again. If you've tried speed dating without much success, or if you haven't tried it at all, I'm asking you to reconsider and give it a go.

The key to successful speed dating is all in the attitude, much like regular dating. If you approach the evening as a way to have fun and meet new people, you will walk away happier than if you go in expecting to meet Mr. or Miss Right. It's all about networking and improving your own dating skills. By expanding your social circle, you meet new people and expand your dating options.

If you sign up for a speed dating event in the near future, try following some of these tips and see how you do:

Relax. I see many nervous speed daters because people take it too seriously. It's just a social event! You are meeting several people and seeing if you want to get to know them better. It's not a job interview!

Don't try to tell your life's story in five minutes. Guys, this is for you. Women are looking for connection, not lists of accomplishments. This isn't a contest. Instead of rattling off your successes, try asking them questions and engaging them. You'll get a lot further.

Don't be quick to judge. Women, this is for you. Instead of listing all the reasons why each guy you meet ISN'T right for you, try looking for things you DO like about each one. This will help you recognize the right guy more easily, what's most important to you, and also prevents you from being too quick to dismiss potential dates with great guys who might just be a little nervous or out of their element.

Realize that speed-dating is like online dating, but in person. You have no control over the kind of people you meet at speed-dating, but much like online dating, it provides a filter. With speed dating, you are filtering in person by seeing if there is any chemistry, while with online dating you filter online via pictures and profile. So be open to talking with everyone before you judge.

More singles than ever before are divorced parents. If you want to increase your choices in the dating pool but have no children yourself, should you be open to dating them?

This is an important topic. When you are in a relationship with someone who has children, you are also entering a relationship with their children. They aren't mutually exclusive. So, there are a few things to ask yourself before you get in too deep:

Do I want to be serious with this person? Don't ask to be introduced to your date's children if you aren't sure where the relationship is headed. Children of divorce have enough instability in their lives; don't add to it. Wait until you are ready and feel committed before forming a relationship with the children.

Am I willing to be flexible? Having children is all about flexibility. Schedules change, children require attention, and they need their parents in many situations. If you find yourself constantly disappointed or frustrated because your plans change, this may not be the best situation for you.

Do I want to form a relationship with my date's kids? Ask yourself if you are willing to get to know the kids, to take them out, to have some fun as a family. Forming individual relationships with them is as important as with your partner.

Am I willing to let the children come first? Children require attention from their parents, and often significant others are put on the back burner. The key is flexibility and good communication. Allow your partner to be a good parent, and then they are able to be a good partner to you.

There are singles of all ages in the dating pool, thanks in part to the high divorce rate and the number of singles waiting until they are in their thirties or forties to get married. Some daters don't mind if there is a significant age gap, while others are hesitant.

So, does age difference really matter when it comes to dating?

A recent study by researchers from the Cardiff School of Health found that women who are online dating still prefer to date men their age or older, despite the enduring popularity of the cougar stereotype. However, a study by AARP in 2003 showed that 34% of women 40 and older were dating younger men. So, do actions speak louder than words?

All relationships are unique, and so it comes down to each couple and how accepting they are of the age difference. If you are dating someone older or younger and are feeling hesitant, here are a few things you may want to consider:

Would you date him if he was younger and less financially secure? Sometimes we gravitate towards security when it comes to relationships, which doesn't make for lasting partnerships.

Are your basic values compatible (trust, respect, good communication)? These attributes have less to do with age and more to do with the kind of person you want to attract.

Is he in good health and does he take care of himself? This is an indicator of how he feels about himself, his energy level, and his motivation and love of life, which are all contributors to a happy relationship. Some 50-year olds have more enthusiasm and energy than some 20-year olds.

Do you want children? Does she want children as well? This is an important question. Remember, just because a woman is 25 doesn't mean she can get pregnant more easily than a 35 year-old woman. It's all about genetics and health, so don't let age be such a deterrent here, guys.

Do you only date younger women? If you have a habit of only dating a certain age range, but haven't had lasting relationships, you may want to rethink your strategy.

Do you only date younger men? If you have a habit of dating younger but these relationships haven't lasted, you may want to rethink your strategy as well.

Are you hesitant about dating her because you're worried about what others think? Instead of focusing on how others perceive you, focus on your compatibility with your partner. Remember, you are the one in the relationship, so it has to work for you, not your friends or family.

So, you're ready for that big First Meeting, First Date, whatever you'd like to call it – and you want it to be somewhere other than the cliché coffee shop. Well, first, remember that the coffee shop is cliché because lots of people feel comfortable there – but you want to stand out, I understand. No problem! A first date can happen anywhere, as long as you keep a few key criteria in mind.

Here's what I call the Big Three of the first date: first of all, it has to be in a safe, well-populated area. Second, it should be a place both parties can arrive at separately. And third, the entertainment should not get in the way of talking – you might be able to busy yourself in an activity if you need to, but you can chatter away if you want to.

A prime example of a place that doesn't meet any of these criteria is a drive-in movie. You're trapped in someone's car for up to four hours, possibly in a secluded area, and you could talk, maybe, but you'll miss the movie. A drive-in can be great fun, don't get me wrong; it's just not the best or safest place to meet someone for the first time.

So, what sort of places do make the cut? Well, for many, it means non-traditional sports, like bowling, miniature golf, or even rock climbing. These kinds of activities lend themselves to athletic skill of any level, you can keep it as competitive or as casual as you like, and there's plenty of time to talk in the middle.

But not everyone likes athletic activity, even something like bowling. At this point, it might be a good idea to revisit the idea of the coffee shop or restaurant – with a twist. Try finding a place that has an open trivia night. If your date doesn't want to show off their muscles, they might want to show off their intellect. Alternatively, try an old-fashioned arcade or midway carnival. You'll definitely want to double-check on this one with your date, as not everyone likes games, but a giant stuffed animal would definitely be a reminder of your first date.

Remember, as you discuss your plans, to have a backup. Some activities, like a midway or miniature golf, depend on the weather. And if Plan A goes awry, it's great to have a suitable place – even the old coffee shop – to retreat to. Try to keep your Plan B in the same general area, so you're not wasting time getting from place to place. Applying the Big Three to your first date will hopefully lead to one that's comfortable, safe and fun – a perfect venue to make a connection.

Imagine this: you've met someone great, and had a fantastic first date. Now, maybe through Facebook, Twitter or just plain old-fashioned Googling, you've discovered that your date has a blog. Before you went on your first date, you just loved that it was a peek into the soul, refreshingly honest. After the date, however, you realize that a refreshingly honest post was made about you. Or, worse, there were ones after, about other dates.

Usually when we talk about privacy and our online lives, we're talking about the concrete, real-world facts that can be obtained through social networking sites: our phone numbers, our workplace, even our current location. We forget that we also tend to leave our thoughts and feelings out in the open.

Many bloggers have reached a kind of equilibrium they feel comfortable with: if they've had blogs for years, they probably have some family members and friends who know about it, and choose to either read or not. They're comfortable with the amount of information they disclose, both to the family readers and complete strangers.

A new relationship, however, is someone outside the equilibrium; not someone you've known for years who will love you unconditionally, and not a nameless, faceless stranger. Every blogger will have to figure out what works for them and their new partner on an individual basis; maybe it means leaving the new flame out of the writing, or coming up with a code name.

In the meantime, as you go on first dates, remember that the blog is one more source of information about yourself. Don't assume that because your date hasn't mentioned your blog, it means they haven't read it; they might simply fear coming off as a stalker. Oh, and while I always advocate honesty and would hope that you're not lying to impress at any time, remember that a blog is yet another source of information that can contradict and reveal lies. And, of course, as you blog after dates, be aware that the date in question might be reading.

If the world seems to be shrinking at an alarming rate for you and you're not sure you want the world reading your thoughts, remember that many blogs (and even Facebook) have settings that allow you to keep some or all of your thoughts private. Or you could take advantage of the blog: talking about how much you enjoyed the date might be a way to send a covert message. Stick with what works for you – as long as you're aware of the potential consequences.

I know a guy who used to use an online dating site. Last week I ran into him and asked him how it was going.

“Oh, I'm not using that site anymore,” he said. “Actually, I'm not doing online dating at all.”

When I asked him why, he replied, “Well, I had a really bad date, so it sort of put me off online dating.”

This is not uncommon to hear, but it's always disappointing. “But wait!” I always want to say. “If you met someone in a bar and it didn't go well, would this put you off bars forever? Or, better yet, dating altogether?” Though the online dating stigma may be fading, it's a sad fact that many users are still a little gun-shy.

So, what if you're one of these nervous Nellies, or you know one? What can you do to calm your nerves about online dating?

Well, first of all, remember that dating is something that is constantly in flux, just like any socialization is. What worked for your grandparents or parents might not work for you – after all, I don't think there are many taffy pulls going on nowadays, and there are still some roller rinks, but not many discotheques. Nowadays, there are tons of dating alternatives – singles nights, singles bars, speed dating – online dating is just one of them.

Additionally, online dating is a fairly traditional way to date. Sure, you might not have met in person, but it's still an old-fashioned method: try to find someone who appeals to you in some way, attempt to start up some form of communication, and if the feeling's mutual, go from there. Relationships have probably been forming in this way, more or less, since cave men grunted at each other. Don't be intimidated by the high-tech trappings.

Finally, remember that one profile or meeting is not indicative of the hundreds of thousands of users out there! That would be like saying one bad driver is representative of everyone else out on the road. Just as you're probably not compatible with every random person you might meet on a Saturday at the mall, you're probably not compatible with every person you meet through online dating. However, online dating has the benefit of at least being able to search out common interests, lifestyles and goals – all without one bad bit of small talk.

And remember – online dating is not a root canal! You're searching for a new friend; it's exciting! Have fun with it, and good luck!