Relationships

Though many of us are familiar with online dating, every once in a while it's good to approach it with a new perspective. The most important aspect of the process is your introduction, or your profile. Many people don't understand its importance, but it is the gateway to attracting the right person to you. The best strategy I've found is keeping your profile current, logging in regularly, and responding quickly to emails and communications.

We all get discouraged sometimes, but it is possible to enjoy the process and have an easier time while online dating. Here are some basic do's and don'ts to help make your online search as fruitful as possible:

DO: have a friend or two read your profile and give suggestions. Be open to their comments, because they want to see you happy and can give you perspective on how others may perceive you.

DO: find a single friend to join you in your online dating search. It's much more fun to share stories and compare notes with people, as well as getting some encouragement to "get out there" and date.

DO: change your profile pictures on a regular basis. Like your Facebook photos, profile pictures are important and should stay current. Have a friend photograph you doing something interesting rather than just posing. Also, try to have a variety of shots, including a full body shot.

DO: use a profile name that expresses who you are. Instead of going for sexy (SexyGirl1 doesn't really appeal in any specific way), try associating your handle with something you like (LinaTravel or Luv2Cook for example).

DON'T: be intimidating. Men like to pursue and flirt. If you demand responses or state in your profile such warnings as "no drama" or "no cheaters", it sends the wrong message out (i.e. you are high maintenance or you have a lot of baggage). Be light, flirtatious, and discuss your interests. Ask questions and get to know him. Leave your past relationships behind.

Matchmaker. It's a loaded term. I'm not talking about professional matchmakers – though they do exist, believe it or not – but instead, the friends, family, co-workers, and well-meaning people you barely know who take it upon themselves to set you up with someone who would be “just perfect for you.” What do you do when someone decides to play chemist and you're one of the beakers?

First and foremost, evaluate the intention. It's a rare thing to encounter someone who actually has malicious intent; even the most annoying and meddlesome people usually have good intentions. So when you're having a bad day and the last thing you want to do is talk about a blind date, take a deep breath and remember: the people who attempt to set you up typically do so because they care about you and want to see you happy. It can be tough to remember, especially if they've played “matchmaker” before, but typically friends and family are just trying to help you succeed, in the only ways they know how. When you deal with a wanna-be matchmaker, you'll often have more effect on your relationship with them than with whoever they want to pair you with, so tread carefully.

That's typically the case if the “matchmaker” is a close friend or family member. On the other hand, sometimes you might encounter someone who feels that strongly about the other beaker in the equation – their own sister or soccer mate or nanny. In this instance, it's quite possible that you are just “single person x,” and they have no idea if you'd actually be suitable for one another. If you're quite certain that you're just a single person to insert into the equation, you might be more justified in telling your postmaster or co-worker that you've got other plans that night.

However, is a blind date really the end of the world? Even if you don't have a close relationship with the matchmaker, remember that sometimes an objective eye is what's needed. Perhaps they can see that the two of you really are compatible, and you really would hit it off. People have met and fallen in love in stranger circumstances. If we're willing to trust fallible computer software, maybe we ought to give good old human perception a try once in awhile, too, just to mix things up.

And, if we do, it's entirely possible that the date will be a failure and the matchmaker had no idea what they were talking about. Or maybe it'll be great. In either case, if you indulge a wanna-be matchmaker every once in awhile, you'll acknowledge that you appreciate that they care, and you'll never wonder “what if.” It might just be a chance worth taking.

A quick overview of the modern female dater gave us an average age and physical description, a list of common likes and dislikes, and a glimpse into what 21st century women look for in a partner.

And now it's time for the men to take the stage.

Who is the average male dater in 2010? Let's meet him!

The Male of the Species

Using a similar sample size to the women (75,000 members), match determined that the average male Match.com user:

• Is 25-30 years old (24%).
• Is 5'10" tall (16%).
• Has dark brown hair (31%) and blue eyes (40%).
• Views his body type as average (46%), though more than a quarter (29%) of respondents said they are toned and athletic.
• Is easygoing (43%), but less sociable than the average woman (4%).
• Is intelligent (53% have a degree, compared with 15% of the general male population of the UK).
• Enjoys travel above all other activities, followed by movies, conversation, and eating out.
• Most likely works in the IT field (16%), is self-employed (14%), or occupies a management role (13%).

And who is the average man's ideal woman? According to multiple choice responses, she is of average build (86%), has shoulder-length (93%), blonde (87%) hair, is easygoing (89%), and possesses a good sense of humor (80%).

• It appears that Marilyn Monroe was right when she said that "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes," though they also like dark (85%) and light (78%) brunettes. Black hair scored 79%, followed by redheads at 59%.
• Men had a clear preference for long hair. Shoulder-length hair came in at 93%, long hair was preferred by 90% of the sample, and very long hair was favored by 65%.
• Slender (85%) and athletic (80%) bodies were considered the most attractive, but don't start starving yourselves, ladies - 65% of men liked women carrying a few extra pounds.
• Men seem agree with women that eyes are a person's most attractive feature (77%). Also high on the desirable traits list are "smile" (76%), "a cute bottom" (54%), "nice legs" (52%), and "a nice belly button" (13%).
• The ideal woman loves to eat out, and enjoys music, gigs, cinema, and spending time at the pub.

Now that we've met the average men and women of Match.com, we're ready to move on to more complex topics. In the next sections of our review, we'll explore how the citizens of the UK and Ireland view dating, romance, and love, and we'll meet "a new breed of realistic romantic, the 'Pragmatic.'"

For more information on this popular online dating service, you can read our review of Match.com for the UK.

It probably won't come as a surprise to you that confidence and high self-esteem are invaluable assets in the dating world. Confidence covers a myriad of flaws and can literally make you appear more attractive. When we speak of confidence we're usually talking about face-to-face meetings and first dates. However, you may not know that low self-esteem can actually make your online profile less attractive.

Low self-esteem works its way into every aspect of your life, and this can be quite apparent when you're writing about yourself. Even before the viewer gets to the text, they look at a picture of you – and to put it bluntly, an insincere smile looks exactly as fake as it is. Try taking a picture of yourself on a good day, when you know you're looking great, and one on a day where you feel poorly. Night and day. As a result, even pictures that aren't technically perfect – with messy hair or eyes closed from laughing – can have more positive results, if they're genuine.

Then we get to the sections of self-description. Here's where the red flags can really sneak in. First and foremost, the very words you choose might reflect bitterness: “baggage,” “drama,” “playing games” all paint a picture, and not a very happy one. How you describe yourself can be much the same, even if you're trying to give it a positive spin: “chubby, so deal with it,” “skinny nerd,” “more personality than conventional looks.” Here's a hint: if you feel you need to add “ha ha” to anything to take the edge off, it's probably best to scrap it altogether.

However, let's say you've gone through and meticulously edited out all traces of insecurity. Your low self-esteem could still be peeking through. Simply put, if you don't feel you're a good catch, your very profile will be lacking warmth and come across as “flat” and insincere. Yes, it can be hard to toot your own horn – but how else are you expected to set yourself apart?

Raising your self-esteem is no easy task, but it can be done. Just as poor self-esteem can spread into all areas of your life, so can good self-esteem. Focus on what you like about yourself, and play up those attributes. Before you know it, you'll be giving yourself the credit you genuinely deserve.

The LoveGeist Report 2010-2011 begins with a quick overview of the modern dating community. What do contemporary daters look like? What are their likes and dislikes? What characteristics do they look for in a partner?

Let's find out.

The Female of the Species

What does the average female dater look like in 2010? A review of 75,000 female Match.com members revealed that she:

• Is between 25 and 30 years old (22% of the sample).
• Is about 5'5" tall (15%).
• Is a brunette (31%) with blue eyes (40%).
• Thinks her eyes are her best feature (53%).
• Views her body type as average (36%).
• Sees herself as easygoing (32%) and sociable (14%).
• Is intelligent (53% have a degree, compared with 13% of the general female population of the UK).
• Enjoys travel above all other activities, followed by movies, conversation, and cooking.
• Mostly likely works in the medical, dental, or veterinary field (11%).

To determine what this average female Match.com member wants from her male matches, match and the Future Foundation analyzed women's multiple choice responses. It appears that the ideal man considers his body type to be "average" (90%), and has short (97%), dark brown (89%) hair, blue eyes (84%), and an easygoing personality (86%).

• Black hair came in second (75%), followed by light brown (73%), blond (59%), and the salt and pepper look (38%). Men with cropped or shaved hair were popular (56%), and bald men found fans in 26% of Match.com's female population.
• Most women resoundingly favored an average body type, though 38% preferred slender men and 34% liked men with a few extra pounds.
• Women love men with eyes that are...well...eye-catching. 78% rate them as a man's most attractive feature, followed by "an attractive smile" (77%), "a good bum" (35%), and "good arms" (27%). Feet scored the lowest, with only 4%.
• As far as personality goes, women want easygoing men with good senses of humor (86%). "Thoughtful" men also scored highly (75%), as did those who are "sociable" (74%) and "reliable" (73%).
• In his spare time, the ideal man is fond of eating out and traveling. Younger women are most interested in men who enjoy movies and music, while the 50+ set go for men who show an interest in gardening.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know what comes next: it's the men's turn to take the spotlight!

For more information on this popular UK dating site, you can read our Match.com review.

Yesterday I was asked an interesting question: “I haven't been in many long-term relationships. Should I try to spin that in a positive way, or not mention it at all?”

When it comes to the past, leave it alone. If there's not some medical reason to mention it, it can stay in the past with jelly shoes and Hammer pants. Not because your past is something to be ashamed of; far from it! But it's simply irrelevant.

I've seen successful relationships form when it was at least one member's first real relationship. I've seen successful relationships happen when someone finally realizes what they're really looking for on the fiftieth try. As near as I can tell, past experience (or lack thereof) has no bearing on whether this next relationship will be successful. Every single person is currently not in a successful relationship – does it really matter why? What matters is that they find what they need.

Or think of it this way: every relationship is formed between two unique individuals. You can practice the little stuff – first dates, first-contact emails, small talk – and get better at those things, sure. But when it comes to the big relationship itself, it's never exactly the same – far from it. Whether you've had tons of experience or none, it's a brand-new entity, a combo unlike any other.

When it comes to your profile, there's no need to mention your past relationships, be they few or many. But that doesn't mean you're stuffing some part of yourself away, hiding it. While you don't need to advertise your past, that doesn't mean you shouldn't mentally own it. After all, your experiences have contributed to who you are, and that might be just perfect for someone out there. If you're comfortable and confident about your past, you'll be able to handle the issue if someone brings it up. That being said, it's generally tacky to bring up former relationships, especially on the first few dates. Who wants to bring up the past, when the future is so much more exciting?