Relationships

Ever been to a party where a woman (or man) walks into the room, and everyone immediately gravitates to her? Maybe she's not the most beautiful woman, but there's something about her demeanor, charisma, and energy that makes everyone want to talk to her.

People are attracted to us initially based on these kinds of intangible factors...namely, body language. When you feel good about yourself...happy, confident, and open-minded, have you noticed that your experience with people is completely different than when you feel less attractive, angry or depressed?

Body language conveys what we are feeling, and reveals more about us to others than what we say. So how can we be more aware of what we are doing wrong? More to the point...what should we be doing to give the best impression possible? Following are some tips to remember.

Lighten up. Even if you're feeling low, meeting someone new can bring you out of your funk. Instead of taking everything seriously, keep the conversation light, smile and laugh, and don't try too hard. Let the conversation flow.

Don't cross your arms. I made this mistake a lot. If you keep your arms crossed in from of you, people take that as a sign to keep away. It's hard to connect with someone if you look guarded.

Make eye contact. If some man is looking at you from across the room, meet his glance. There's no need to stare, but let him know it's okay to approach you. Men get the hint most often when a woman glances in his direction. Also, if you're talking to someone but look away often because you're shy, people may misinterpret this as rude or inconsiderate. Be aware of where you focus your attention.

Smile. That's an easy one, but many of us forget to do this when we're nervous or uncomfortable. People want to feel comfortable around you, and the best way to accomplish this is with a warm, welcoming smile.

Slow down. Most of us feel nervous on dates. But when this causes us to talk fast or appear nervous or jittery, people can jump to the wrong conclusions. Do you want to come across as high strung? If you know this is your tendency, take a few deep breaths and slow down.

Stand tall. We forget this one a lot, too. Many of us slouch (especially if we're arm crossers), and this gives the impression that we're not confident. Be proud and stand up straight.

Online dating is a rigorous process. You search through profiles, email back and forth answering questions, talk over the phone, and eventually you meet in person. Chances are that along the way, you're going to reject a few candidates before someone interests you.

But what if telling someone you're not interested is a hard thing for you to do? Do you find yourself "disappearing" by not answering emails or texts? Do you let your date's calls go to voicemail?

If you are hoping that your dates get the hint by your lack of attention, this is not a good practice. Most online daters understand that you are communicating with multiple candidates and chemistry is not always there. This doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want and hope they get the message, just because you feel uncomfortable telling them how you feel. Your dates deserve the courtesy of a response.

Let's turn the tables. How many times have you been frustrated by your love interest's sporadic phone calls and hectic schedule? If he's not available, most likely he's not interested. But how many times have you questioned that assumption, remembering how great his smile was or what incredible chemistry you thought you shared? Have you done the same thing to someone else?

If you have a date that you don't care to see again, send a nice but brief email or make a phone call (no texts please!). Let him know you're not interested without being rude. For example:

It was nice meeting you last night and thanks for dinner. Unfortunately, I just didn't feel there was chemistry between us. I wish you the best.

Even if your date feels a little hurt and rejected, it's better that he knows instead of wondering what happened. When people know where they stand, they are able to move on and find the relationship that is right for them.

When we’re about to meet someone new, we do all we can to make sure the first impression we receive is an accurate one. We send emails backs and forth, and scour them for red flags; we try to “listen to our gut,” we try to have a meaningful first conversation without appearing too strange or overzealous ourselves. We want to absorb as much information out of that first meeting as we can.

However, sometimes, despite our best efforts, it’s simply impossible to get the whole picture. Because, simply, a first date is a pretty controlled situation. And by that, I mean both members are in control. If any date is planned down to the last detail, it’s probably that one.

And think about yourself: yourself when you’re in control, and when you’re not - when you’re stressed. Are you exactly the same person?

Some people have different thresholds of stress, and it could days, weeks, or even months until you see that Other Side of your date. Maybe they’re the sort of person who freaks out on the very first date if their food comes out wrong - but maybe they’re not. Maybe they’re calm, and cool as a cucumber, until they’re under life-changing amounts of stress.

It’s not something you can assess on the first date (and you shouldn’t really want to put your date in stressful situations, anyway). Therefore, what can you do about it?

Well, be observant. Everyday situations typically contain a little stress (driving, for example, or the aforementioned wrong food order). How does your date react to small, manageable amounts of stress? How do they treat others when they’re under stress? Getting worked up is not the same as lashing out at others, or becoming just plain mean.

However, remember: you’re not looking for a perfect date, you’re looking for a good match. You’re not looking for flaws; you’re testing the waters to see if you could live with this behavior. For example, I know a couple wherein the husband is the sort of person who Needs a Plan while traveling. He’s, frankly, not the best traveler; he becomes downright grumpy if he gets lost, or something doesn’t go according to plan.

His wife is the exact opposite: she’ll float through an airport at her own pace if she has her way, and delays and cancellations are just a way of life. “Sure,” she confided, “It would be nice if he were more relaxed about travel. But this is about as bad as he ever gets, and we don’t even travel that often. Small price to pay for someone I like the rest of the time.”

Observing how someone reacts in stressful situations is a good indicator of how they’ll be when life inevitably throws its curveballs. But make sure you don’t obsess over seeing them crack. Maybe, instead of being too good to be true, your date is actually just right for you.

Let's face it...most of us enjoy doing little favors for our boyfriends or girlfriends. We like to show our love in various ways, which is a good thing. But when does giving become an unhealthy thing and make the relationship one-sided?

First, reciprocity in any relationship is key. Every relationship requires time and attention. Ask yourself if he (or she) is doing the basics:

• Does he call you when he says he will?
• Does he follow through with plans he makes to see you?
• Does he treat you with respect and affection?
• Does he do things for you without expecting anything in return?

If he isn't treating you with respect, then it's time to let him go. Sometimes however, the evidence isn't so cut and dry.

I see some women who are in what I would call "tentative relationships". That is, a woman is dating a man who hasn't let her know if he considers her a girlfriend. They date, or maybe they sleep together, but he keeps her at a distance. She doesn't ask him outright where she stands because she's afraid he'll just leave her, or she'll look like a fool. Instead, she compensates by doing favors for him, hoping to win his affection.

For instance, she stops by his house to bring him dinner, or she gives him small gifts. He tells her he appreciates these things, but he does not return the favor and does not pursue her, introduce her to friends, or treat her like a girlfriend. This is not a balanced relationship. She is doing most of the giving, and receiving very little in return. This will eventually create animosity in her, and he will not respect her.

If you find yourself in this situation, my advice is to be honest with your love interest. Everyone deserves a relationship built on mutual respect and affection, and if you are feeling like things are one-sided, it's likely true. Ask him how he feels and what he wants. Even if he's not interested in a "real" relationship with you, at least you know where you stand and you can move on. It will save a lot of heartache and confusion down the line.

Bottom line: if you are trying to convince someone to love you by doing things for him, stop. If he is truly interested, his actions will speak louder than his words. If you are the only one putting effort into your relationship, it's time to move on.

So you’ve constructed a new profile for an online dating site. You’ve got a good picture, and you’ve made sure the text is limited to a few paragraphs. You have an eye-catching headline. You’re good to go, right?

Well, maybe, but don’t put away that editing pen just yet. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the mechanics of good profiles that we forget one major point: someone is going to read this. Someone should want to meet you, or at least learn more about you, based on reading these few paragraphs. So ask yourself two major questions: Does it sound like you? And, more importantly, is it interesting?

Think of a profile as less like a resume and more like the beginning of your first meeting. Thus, the tone of the profile should far less professional, and far more conversational. Keeping this conversational aspect in mind when you’re writing it can actually lead to a more structurally sound profile, as well: after all, in an informal meeting, you wouldn’t give an endless laundry list of your accomplishments and skills, would you? Nor should you in your profile. Thus, pretending you’re having a conversation leads to something more natural and readable.

When we spend too long editing and re-editing our profiles, we can sometimes eradicate every trace of our personality. This is doing a disservice to ourselves in two ways. First of all, if you sound too generic, your profile could be passed over altogether. Secondly, the profile should hopefully be a glimpse into your “voice.” If your emails are drastically different than your profile, your potential match may wonder who you really are. Now, most people understand that a quickly-written email is different from a carefully worded profile, especially when they have profiles of their own. Still, make sure you can find at least a glimmer of yourself in your profile.

‘Style’ can be an intimidating word in the world of writing, but in the realm of online dating profiles it simply means we want to hear your voice. Are you truly being heard?

One of the most common misconceptions about online dating is that it’s a “last resort” - somewhere you turn when more traditional methods of meeting people don’t work. While it’s true that online dating sites are a viable alternative if other methods aren’t working, to only consider them when all else has failed is doing online dating a massive disservice.

A friend of mine, “Ted,” recently created an online dating profile. Some of his other friends were surprised. “But you have no problem meeting women!” they said.

It’s true, Ted doesn’t have a hard time getting dates. However, he definitely hasn’t found the right person yet. And he’s come to realize that all the women he’s been meeting and dating have a certain “type.” In his words, “They’re the same person!”

Thus, Ted is utilizing an online dating site to find women outside his personal box, ones with different interests. Perhaps the new approach will work for him; I hope it will. Regardless, good for him for trying to change up his dating patterns. Online sites are a perfect way to do so.

There are other reasons to use online dating sites other than as a “last resort”: for example, getting a jump on meeting people as you’re getting ready to move to a new location. You can use them for finding other people in your vast community who share a specific, uncommon interest. And, of course, they’re particularly useful for those who have unusual or busy work schedules. In essence, online dating sites can be a one-stop-combo of classifieds, library bulletin boards, and singles bars.

Really, why wouldn’t you include an online dating site in your social repertoire? Of course, I’m preaching to the choir, but sometimes even those familiar with the benefits of online dating tend to perpetuate the stereotypes. Therefore, remember that we shouldn’t recommend online dating only to those who are having trouble; recommend it to those who are dating, period. Perhaps soon, the easiest, most logical option will also be the most popular!