Relationships

Many of us take dating personally. After all, it’s about vulnerability and intimacy, so how can you not?

It’s difficult when we’ve been rejected to resist second-guessing ourselves and the motivations of our dates. We scrutinize every move we made in great detail asking ourselves, “why did he not call back?” Conversely, we also get annoyed when we keep meeting people who aren’t right for us. We wonder: “why can’t I meet a nice, decent man/ woman?”

The key to dating successfully however, is to stop ourselves from taking the process of dating personally. This is true for every date, regardless of how well we think the date went and whether or not we want to see him or her again.

You may be wondering how it’s possible to detach ourselves from dating, when it’s all about forming an intimate bond with another person. The key is to understand that we can’t make assumptions when it comes to dating.

There could be a myriad of reasons he didn’t call back: maybe he wasn’t interested in you as you thought, or perhaps he’d just broken up with a girlfriend and wasn’t ready, or he’d just started dating someone else, or he misunderstood something you did or said in the course of the evening. It doesn’t matter. It’s up to you to move on, regardless of finding out what really happened.

After all, you’ve probably felt this way yourself: while your date seemed nice enough, you just didn’t feel that connection or spark. There’s no forcing the issue. You don’t want to go on a second date, and that’s ok. That doesn’t mean your date did something wrong. It also doesn’t mean that your next ten dates will lead nowhere. If you start thinking this way, it will inevitably come across to your dates in your energy and body language. It’s up to you to pick yourself up and move on, no matter how frustrated or disillusioned you think you’ve become.

If you have enjoyed a couple of dates with someone you find attractive, don’t expect an instant relationship. Keep dating other people until you both decide to be exclusive. If you put all of your expectations in one person before you or he is ready, it’s not likely to progress naturally and will end up going nowhere.

Bottom line: dating is a process so don’t make assumptions about what you or your dates are doing wrong, or how things should be progressing. Building a relationship takes time, so take the stress off yourself and recognize that not everyone is for you, and this is not your fault. Keep dating and love will happen.

We've already talked about the royal wedding, and a few questions you should ask yourself before getting engaged. But we're just getting started. Before making the massive commitment of saying "I Do," consider your responses to the following checklist:

1. Am I prepared to fully play the role of husband or wife? Being someone's spouse is different than being a boyfriend, girlfriend, or fiance. Even if you've been together for years, marriage brings new responsibilities and new challenges to the relationship that you must be prepared to face.
2. Am I ready to take on the financial responsibility? Be completely open about your current financial situation with your partner, and thoroughly discuss your plans for the financial future. It is essential that you're both on the same page when it comes to handling the financial challenges that will come your way.
3. Do I want children? Does my future spouse? As with finances, it's vital that you and your fiance are in agreement when it comes to starting a family. Do you both want children? At what age do you want to have them? How do you plan to raise them? Settle as many issues surrounding children as possible before having them, so that no unpleasant surprises appear after you have a family to care for.
4. Are our future goals in alignment? If one of you wants to dedicate their life to fighting poverty in Africa and the other enjoys living the high life in big cities, a life-long relationship is probably doomed to failure. Talk in depth about what you both want to achieve in life, and make sure that your goals are complementary.
5. What makes this person The One? "Love" is powerful, but it should not be your sole answer to this question. Why, out of every relationship you've been in, is this the relationship you'd like to commit to being in for the rest of your life? Make sure you're marrying for the right reasons, not because you're caving to societal pressure or the wishes of someone else.

Before walking down the aisle, commit to being a mature, loving, and dedicated spouse, who is up to the task of facing whatever challenges marriage brings. Make sure that your fiance is prepared to make the same commitment. And promise each other that, whatever comes your way, you are ready to grow together, to evolve into better people and stronger partners over your lifetime together.

When it comes to dating, all we have to go on are first impressions. So, it's important to put your best foot forward when meeting anyone for the first time. Following are some reminders to help you make the best impression possible:

Keep your excitement in check. Maybe you've been chatting over email or the phone and you're boiling over with excitement about meeting your date. You think that you have a "great connection." As wonderful as this sounds, it's important to keep your expectations in check. You haven't met, and being with someone in person is a lot different from communicating over email or phone. You don't want to come across as aggressive or needy. You may not even be attracted to your date. Take things slowly and don't jump to conclusions about how things will progress. Let it happen naturally.

Play it cool. This is along the lines of the first tip, but just a reminder: don't tell a woman multiple times how beautiful you think she is. This can be considered overkill. It's nice to compliment someone, but don't take it to an extreme, you'll only alienate her and make her wonder if you're sincere. And women: accept a compliment graciously. Don't read into it.

Explain yourself well. Chances are, your date has read your online profile and done a little Google research before meeting you. If there's something you regret saying or doing and it shows up online, be prepared to state your case. (This goes for after meeting, too...don't be tempted to post a comment about your date on your Facebook wall.) Any good employer does reference checks, so it's only natural that your date does, too.

Engage with your date. Let him know you're enjoying yourself by smiling, laughing, and asking him questions about what interests him. This isn't a job interview, but it is a chance to get to know someone by talking with him.

Keep it light. I've spoken about this a lot, but I think it's the most important tip to remember because it's so easy to forget when we get wrapped up in conversation. On a first date, even if you feel a connection, this doesn't give you an excuse to talk about your ex, your political beliefs, or anything else that can invoke your anger or frustration. Respect your date and keep conversation light. Nobody wants to be a therapist or punching bag on a first date.

Know who you are and what you want. You don't have to be aggressive about it, but your date wants to know what your plans are for your career, what your interests are, etc. so be prepared to answer. If you don't know what you want to do, or even what you like doing, they might question your seriousness about dating and life in general. Don't be afraid to let your date know if you're in transition, but let him know where you plan on going.

Many singles join online dating sites soon after they divorce or separate from their former spouses. While I encourage moving on with your life after a break-up, I also suggest you assess where you're at after such a traumatic and life-changing event. We often need more time to heal than we think.

While there is no hard and fast rule about how long to wait before you get serious again, if you are online dating, it's important to be honest about how you're feeling and what you expect from a relationship. In other words, if you're just looking for a casual relationship with no expectations, you have to consider your date: is he or she after the same thing? Or does he want something more?

Perhaps you are looking for comfort because you're lonely, or you're looking for distraction from your pain. These feelings are all part of the grieving process, but it's important to be clear about your expectations with your dates from the beginning. I would say it's likely that most of your dates are looking for something more.

I suggest holding off on dating until you're emotionally in a better place and ready to commit to someone again, but if you want to jump back in and just test the waters, let your dates know in advance there's no future. Remember, in any relationship there are always another person's feelings to consider, not just your own.

On the other hand, if you're looking to get serious again quickly, it could be that you're afraid to be alone. Dating when you're feeling vulnerable in this way isn't a healthy move for you or your dates. Instead of trying your best to replace someone you lost, use this time to get to know yourself again, apart from being in a relationship. It's a time for growth and renewal. And often, we see ourselves most clearly when we are alone, along with what makes us truly happy.

Bottom line? Refrain from looking at dating as an escape from working through your pain. Regardless of whether or not you desire a serious relationship, if you are putting yourself in the dating pool, you have other people to consider who may have different expectations and wants. Dating isn't a means to escape from another person, it's a way for two people to come together. Make sure that you are honest with yourself and with your dates.

Perceptions of what’s considered “attractive” change over time. A few hundred years ago, women were plucking their hairline to achieve a high forehead; of course, those women who were naturally “blessed” with a higher hairline were in for less pain. Nowadays, though, those same women would probably opt for bangs. In the 80’s, you were lucky if you had curly hair that didn’t need a perm; today, the straighter, the better. And that’s just hair alone! Still, whatever the standard, there’s no doubt that some people will be born fitting it more easily than others. So what about the rest of us?

Well, you can try to ft the “look” of the moment. There’s no doubt that fitting into a certain “scene” will probably make you look more attractive to other members of the same scene. But what if that’s just not you? How can you amp up your attractiveness factor without being a slave to the fashion of the day?

Put simply, it’s confidence. Self-esteem. The better you feel about yourself, the better you look. And, of course, looking better makes you feel better about yourself... It’s a happy little cycle of confidence, if you can get it going. And here’s a few tricks to help you along.

First, get clean and pulled together. Why muddle the hair you slept on into something decent today when you could just start fresh? You don’t have to go all-out, but having your hair combed, feeling clean and fresh, and with fresh clothes all do wonders for both your attractiveness and how you’re feeling about yourself.

Next, move on to your closet. Now, everyone has clothes that they know are more flattering, that make them feel more confident, and sloppier clothes that they wear around the house. For some mysterious reason, the more flattering clothes are often less frequently worn. The question is, why? No matter your personal style, why do we wear the clothes that make us feel worse more often? “Well, I’m just running to the grocery store,” we might say. And we don’t deserve to feel nice at the grocery store?

Whether your version of looking “nice” is just a more flattering pair of jeans and a better-fitting t-shirt or something more inventive, try to wear what makes you feel good, regardless of that day’s destination. Is it a tiny, tiny baby step? Yes. But over time, it really does add up. Even if we don’t naturally fit the trend of the season, we can still present the best version of ourselves.

The Ultimate Soulmate Summit brought together 21 of the world's most respected relationship experts on Valentine's Day 2011. If you weren't one of the 60,000 people who attended the teleseminar series, but you are one of the millions of people searching for their soulmate, Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz recapped the highlights of the convention. We've already reviewed Day One through Day Five, so lets dive straight in to what you missed during the second half of the webinar:

Day Six: Evan Marc Katz, dating coach

When filling out an online dating profile, think of five core adjectives that describe you - then don't use any of them. Give interesting examples that illustrate them instead. Don't be too choosy, but don't compromise on two things: character and consistency.

Day Seven: Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Stop looking for chemistry and start searching for compatibility. The sweep-you-off-your-feet Prince Charming types are only found in Disney fairytales, and refusing to settle for anyone who doesn't live up to that standard is likely to leave you single. A lasting marriage is built on flexibility, compromise, and a shared vision for the future.

Day Eight: Pat Allen, marriage counselor

The polarity between masculine energy and feminine energy is responsible for creating harmony and desire. Therefore, a woman who wants to attract a masculine man must embrace her feminine side, and a man who is interested in feminine women must embrace his masculinity.

Day Nine: Jean Houston, mythologist

In Plato's Symposium, Aristophanes tells a story about the origin of love, in which he explains that humans, once upon a time, were two beings in one body. The beings were split in two, and now we are driven by love to find our other halves. Houston advises becoming a living force of love by allowing the spiritual concept of The Beloved, "the great archetype of love," to "be your guiding essence."

Day Ten: Arielle Ford, author of The Soulmate Secret

Find your soulmate by creating a soul mate wishlist. Outline exactly what you want in a partner, and your vision for your life together. Believe that you deserve and will find "The One," and conduct affirmations called "feelingizations" to reinforce that belief.

Day Eleven: Claire Zammit, co-creator of The Feminine Power Courses

Don't lose yourself in waiting for love to happen - focus on actively becoming who you really are. Rather than obsessing over your need to find love, dedicate yourself to being a source of love in the world.