Relationships

One of the most common complaints I hear from daters is, "he / she is not my type." This is unfortunate, because by thinking this way, singles aren't giving their dates a real chance, which means that they are diminishing their own chances of finding a good match.

If you think you can make a decision to reject someone within the first five minutes of meeting, this is where you're going wrong. Unless he's offending you, you're judging him with superficial criteria, whether it's his body type, demeanor, profession, or anything else you can learn about him that quickly. While first impressions are important, they don't reveal much about who a person really is. This is why it's important to let go of assumptions and really get to know your dates.

Be honest with yourself. Are you looking for a certain "type," and anyone who falls short wouldn't be good enough to consider? Do you think of a "type" in terms of how someone might provide for you, what they look like, or their profession? Keep in mind that these outward signs don't necessarily show how someone might be inside of a relationship. Usually the traits that are most important in relationships (good communicator, kind, compassionate) reveal themselves over time on subsequent dates.

Even if your date didn't make you weak in the knees when you met, this doesn't mean that he's not for you. Passion doesn't have to be instant to be real; it can grow over time and getting to know someone. In fact, physical passion in the beginning does not often lead to long-term relationships. Chemistry is important, but it's not the only qualifier in determining satisfying love relationships.

My rule of thumb: go on at least three dates if you're uncertain or if he didn't "wow" you right away. Also, try these exercises during the date, so you can get to know him or her better. Remember to keep perspective on the person sitting across from you without judging him too quickly:

1. Think of three things you like about your date.

2. Name two things that interest him.

3. What is his passion? What is he doing to pursue it?

4. Why would he make a good partner? (I know you just met, but I'm serious about this. Think about what you want in a partner - not a date - and consider how he would be. This will get you thinking more seriously about being in a relationship.)

Most importantly, give your dates a real chance. This ensures they give you a chance, too.

There have been a lot of politicians, celebrities, and sports figures that have recently been in the center of scandal. They have cheated on their spouses, utilizing social media as well as online dating sites to gain access to women and men. Some have even been serial cheaters.

Of course, this doesn't help when you're dating or in a relationship. It makes people seem less trustworthy. Perhaps you've been cheated on before, and so you question the integrity of all of your dates, which doesn't make for a very fun, exciting relationship. You're too busy wondering what their intentions are, what they might be doing, or even where they are when they aren't with you.

But who wants to date someone who is constantly questioning their behavior and motivations?

Once trust has been violated, it's hard to get back. It's easy to succumb to suspicion about all of your dates. The problem with this thinking however, is that it ends up hurting you. You try to protect yourself by withholding your trust, maybe even accusing your dates of being untrustworthy. But instead of protecting yourself, you actually are closing yourself off to the possibility of having a real relationship based in love. You are ensuring that this won't happen.

So how do you move past the pain? How can you trust someone new?

It's important to remember that each person is different. Just because you've dated a few people who have violated your trust doesn't mean that everyone is capable. You must give your dates the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. It's important to take those kind of risks; otherwise, you won't bring love into your life.

It's also important to learn from your past mistakes. Were there signs that she was cheating that you chose to ignore? Were one or both of you unhappy in the relationship? Did you not communicate well? All of these things can contribute to a breakdown of trust. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself the tough questions. Recognizing patterns is a step to ensuring they won't happen again.

The hardest part of moving on is forgiving yourself and forgiving the ex who cheated on you. As long as you carry resentment in your heart, it translates to your current relationships. Have you been around someone who can't let go of the anger they have towards their ex? Do you find it hard to be around them? If so, take note. In the long run, letting go is the healthiest step you can take towards moving into a better relationship in the future.

It’s an idea that seems perfectly obvious in theory, but is a little harder to actually execute: confidence. By now you’ve probably heard (multiple times) that when you’re confident, you look more attractive to others, you carry yourself better in conversation, good luck follows you, and the sun seems to shine a little brighter. We all know that confidence is good to have - but when you’re in the middle of a date and your nerves are singing, it never seems to work out like you planned. So what’s going on?

First, let’s take a look at the psychology of dating. Regardless of what a date really is, in today’s society we tend to view it as a competition. People don’t want to simply be perceived as nice; they want to be the best candidate for the job, better than any others who might be competing as well. In essence, we want our date to know exactly how awesome we are. And that’s our first mistake.

In writing, there’s a phrase: “Show, don’t tell.” Don’t say, “He was a bad man” - say, “He kicked kittens” and let the reader draw their own conclusion. Well, it applies very well in the world of dating, too. When we want to send a specific message (like “I’m awesome”), we start making “I” statements: “Have I mentioned I’m really smart?” If we haven't actually done anything to back up that statement, it seems suspect.

But wait! Somewhere in our brain we’re also aware that we don’t want to brag; that we want to look humble. So we try to modify our “I” statements, and wind up selling ourselves short: “I’m not really that special; I’m just a regular person.” Thus, the competitive spirit, “I” statements, and nerves can lead to a big mess, where you’re blurting out things like, “I’m not that great, but I think I’m a genius.”

How can we break this nerve-wracking loop? How can we be ourselves, with our natural confidence? First, remember that a date is not a job interview; you’re both trying out your compatibility. There’s no “best” candidate; there’s only the best fit for you. Second, try to avoid “I” statements, and talk instead about what makes you excited: your job, your hobbies, your love of meteorology. When you’re animated and having a good time, you’ll be able to send all those positive messages about yourself without a single “I” statement. And remember to listen and ask questions, too; it’s a conversation, not a performance. The main goal is be as relaxed as possible; only then can you, and your prospective match, really shine.

Most of us look forward to summer: we can take off early from work, go on vacation, enjoy Sunday afternoon barbeques and the warm weather. It's a time to relax and enjoy life a bit more. Things slow down.

Unfortunately, it's also wedding season, which can make singles feel like lone wolves in a roomful of happy couples. Especially if these couples ask well-meaning but offensive questions such as, "why are you still single?"

Instead of dreading your next nuptial invite, take matters into your own hands. Don't feel obligated to look for that plus one, when you could have a much more interesting time meeting new people and seeing what happens when you're solo.

Some reasons you should embrace your single status this summer and live it up:

You can vacation anywhere you want. You don't need input from a significant other, you can book that trip you've always wanted to take, enjoying it with friends or going on your own. It's entirely up to you!

Parties, parties, parties. When you're single at a party, you are the one people want to approach. Whether your friend wants to introduce you to her neighbor or a couple of guys by the cooler are trying to catch your eye, you can be the object of interest and attention. Be sure to have some lined up for fourth of July weekend!

Summer flings. Why not have fun during the summer? It's a great time to fall in love, even if it's temporary.

Warm weather. Summer is a time when people congregate outside. They are less likely to be holed up in their apartments cranking up the heat. When the weather is nice, it's almost impossible not to be outside. Take advantage and go strolling in your local farmer's market, take your dog to a park, or spend the day at the beach or lake. There are plenty of opportunities to approach other singles while you're out and walking among the crowds.

Weddings. That's right. Instead of fielding questions from Aunt Sally about why you're still single, turn the tables on her. Tell her that you are enjoying the present, meeting new people, and don't want to settle for less than what you want! Then enjoy the bachelors...a guy always has a single friend or two.

Happy summer!

Facebook has more than 500 million active users, 50% of whom are logged on at any given time, making it the largest social network in the world. The site has affected our lives in more ways than could possibly be counted, taking things that were once considered private and launching them squarely into the public sphere.

What is life like when every detail is recorded for the consumption of others?

Online Dating University tracked the activity of Facebook users in hopes of answering that question. Focusing on the effects of Facebook on users' love lives, Online Dating University found that sharing every aspect of your relationship with your social network can have several potentially negative consequences, including difficult break ups and increased feelings of jealousy.

To mitigate Facebook-related heartbreak, Online Dating University offered the following advice:

• Never underestimate the power of communication. If you're having a problem with your partner, be sure to ask if the issue was caused by something on Facebook. Ask what details your partner is and isn't comfortable sharing on Facebook, and respect their boundaries.
• Consider your partner's feelings when posting on Facebook. If something on your profile is causing your partner to feel jealous, consider making a few changes. Never use Facebook to intentionally inspire jealousy in someone.
• Be mindful of the insecurities Facebook can cause. Insecurities ran rampant online, so remember to spend plenty of quality time growing your relationship offline so that your partner feels loved, confident, and safe.
• Don't obsess over old relationships. It's tempting to follow every update on your ex's profile, but if it's causing you pain it's time to take action. Hide their updates from your news feed, and commit yourself to staying off their profile.
• Don't let your ex obsess over your life, either. If an ex is harassing you or invading your privacy, edit your privacy settings to hide certain information from them or prevent them from leaving comments on your profile.
• Don't leave a paper trail. This goes for all social networking sites, and for anyone whether or not they're in a relationship: be very careful about what information is posted about you online, and delete anything that may come back to haunt you in the future or could pose a threat to your safety.

Check out the infographic here, for an intriguing visual look at Online Dating University's findings, as well as more information on the ways Facebook affects your health and personality.

To find out more on how to use this social network as an online dating tool please read our Facebook.com review.

I have a confession to make.

I’m not a supermodel. That’s right - I’m not paid ridiculous amounts of money to put on outfits and wear them in front of a camera. I know, it’s shocking, and I apologize if I misled you in any way. But it gets worse.

I am not, in any way, a commentator on TV. No one wants to film me giving my opinions. The truth of the matter is...

I’m a human being. I have a job that is mildly interesting to some - I don’t know if you fall in that category. I have some hobbies and interests - I don’t know if they match up with yours, though. I find them fun, but I don’t want to act too interested, in case you’d find me strange.

Actually, chances are, you find me strange already - but these are the messages that people put on their online dating profiles every day. If it seems unattractive of off-putting, it’s because it is. Why should you apologize for who are? And even more to the point, why should you apologize for who you aren’t?

Maybe you’re not a high-powered lawyer or an actress. Very few people are. Maybe your life doesn’t make the headlines of the newspaper or even the tabloids; again, hardly anyone’s does. That doesn’t mean you’re boring, or that anyone else would find you so. The truth is, excitement is contagious. You can have the most “boring” job on paper; if you’re confident and passionate, others will begin to feel the same interest you do. And it works the other way; even the most exciting jobs or hobbies can be “boring” in the wrong light, to someone who doesn’t know much about them.

Thus, when you write your online profile, don’t worry about what others will think of how you spend your time. Instead, think about your own approach: are you making it seem worthwhile? Are you sharing the excitement you feel, or are you making yourself look worse than you are? After all, if you don’t respect your own choices and hobbies, why should anyone else?