There's No I in Date

It’s an idea that seems perfectly obvious in theory, but is a little harder to actually execute: confidence. By now you’ve probably heard (multiple times) that when you’re confident, you look more attractive to others, you carry yourself better in conversation, good luck follows you, and the sun seems to shine a little brighter. We all know that confidence is good to have - but when you’re in the middle of a date and your nerves are singing, it never seems to work out like you planned. So what’s going on?

First, let’s take a look at the psychology of dating. Regardless of what a date really is, in today’s society we tend to view it as a competition. People don’t want to simply be perceived as nice; they want to be the best candidate for the job, better than any others who might be competing as well. In essence, we want our date to know exactly how awesome we are. And that’s our first mistake.

In writing, there’s a phrase: “Show, don’t tell.” Don’t say, “He was a bad man” - say, “He kicked kittens” and let the reader draw their own conclusion. Well, it applies very well in the world of dating, too. When we want to send a specific message (like “I’m awesome”), we start making “I” statements: “Have I mentioned I’m really smart?” If we haven't actually done anything to back up that statement, it seems suspect.

But wait! Somewhere in our brain we’re also aware that we don’t want to brag; that we want to look humble. So we try to modify our “I” statements, and wind up selling ourselves short: “I’m not really that special; I’m just a regular person.” Thus, the competitive spirit, “I” statements, and nerves can lead to a big mess, where you’re blurting out things like, “I’m not that great, but I think I’m a genius.”

How can we break this nerve-wracking loop? How can we be ourselves, with our natural confidence? First, remember that a date is not a job interview; you’re both trying out your compatibility. There’s no “best” candidate; there’s only the best fit for you. Second, try to avoid “I” statements, and talk instead about what makes you excited: your job, your hobbies, your love of meteorology. When you’re animated and having a good time, you’ll be able to send all those positive messages about yourself without a single “I” statement. And remember to listen and ask questions, too; it’s a conversation, not a performance. The main goal is be as relaxed as possible; only then can you, and your prospective match, really shine.