Relationships

It’s not uncommon to hear a line spoken in movies that goes something along the lines of: “You don’t get to choose who you love.” Is that accurate, or is it a cliche? Are we really slaves to the heart, or do we make a conscious decision to love someone?

If you were an alien visitor observing the speech of Earthlings, you might think there was no free will in love at all. You might hear about two people who were “meant for each other,” or who tried to “fight destiny” and failed (and usually the failure is a good thing). You might hear that one person was “irresistibly drawn” to someone else, and wonder if they meant that literally.

But on the other hand, you might hear a fair bit about choice, too, at least in Western culture. Someone might worry that their friend is “making a big mistake” in staying with the person of their choice. You might hear someone wonder where they would be if they had made a different decision, or conversely, hear them say that accepting a date was “the best decision I ever made.”

So where does the truth lie? Perhaps somewhere in the middle. For example, you probably have very little control who you’re attracted to or infatuated with - as anyone who’s ever been on a date with someone who was great but just didn’t share that “spark” can attest. Basic attraction comes from some primitive (or maybe highly sophisticated), chemical level. You can’t fake it.

That being said, you certainly do have a level of control over it. For example, if you’re attracted to someone who would be a terrible choice - maybe they’re married, maybe they’re abusive - it might be painful on the level of breaking an addiction, but it’s possible to avoid staying with them. On a less dramatic level, no one’s perfect, and we all weigh their pros and cons somewhere in our minds before deciding that the overall package is acceptable.

Perhaps you don’t get to choose who you become infatuated with, but love is something else, something acquired over time, hours spent together. By the time you’ve reached the point of love, you’ve probably made countless decisions to do so - and hopefully they really are some of the best decisions you’ve made.

Sometimes you just don't feel chemistry with a date, even after you've been out a few times. Your habit may be to let their calls go to voicemail and leave their texts unanswered, letting them figure out that you're not interested. But is this the right way to date?

I suggest having a little more accountability to the people you date, even if you only see them once or meet them through an online dating site. Just because they don't know your friends and family doesn't mean that you can treat them disrespectfully. Having some accountability and being honest with your dates goes a long way in the dating process, and makes things easier on you in the long run.

But if you consider yourself a nice person and have trouble letting your dates down, what should you do? I had the same issue, and until I faced it, unfortunately it kept reappearing. One day a friend finally said to me, "Most guys would rather just know you're not interested than wonder. Don't try to be nice and pretend like you'll go out with them again, or keep them guessing by cancelling dates. It's the not knowing how you feel that's the worst. Then they will think of all the things they could have done wrong, or all the things they said that might have offended you. When in reality, you just weren't feeling attracted to them. They would prefer honesty over kindness."

That really hit home for me. I had always assumed men wanted to be treated with kindness, so I would play the disappearing game: cancelling dates due to my crazy work schedule, hoping they would eventually understand I wasn't interested. But instead, they didn't know what to make of me, and thought I was playing games.

Being honest was hard at first. I had to tell some of my dates that I wasn't attracted to them, or that I didn't feel a connection, which was difficult for me. But this ironically was not hard for them; they appreciated the honesty, as my friend said they would. And they moved on quickly. It changed my dating life. It became easier for me to meet new people, rather than more difficult.

Also, don't create a false sense of hope with promises to be friends or by saying that you're not ready for a relationship right now. It's best to be honest about how you feel. When you try to let your dates down too easily, they could misinterpret and believe that a relationship down the line may be a possibility.

Bottom line: we're all adults when we're dating, so treat your dates with common courtesy, honesty, and the same way you'd like to be treated: with respect.

When you’re first getting to know someone, it can be tempting to fall into tried-and-true dating habits: staying in, going to same familiar places, developing a routine. While there’s nothing wrong with this, it might be a good idea to throw in something a little more challenging, right from the beginning - an adventure, something with a bit of stress and excitement.

Why? Well, one of the simplest reasons is that you don’t want to wait until you’ve been in a relationship for months before you see how your partner handles the slightest bit of stress. Maybe you’ll find you work extremely well together. Maybe you’ll find that your partner is an very poor loser, or that traveling stresses them out. Maybe you’ll find that you’re the one who doesn’t function very well without an exact plan to follow. Are any of these relationship-breakers? Absolutely not - but it’s good to have a well-developed and practical picture of each other and your relationship, to be aware of both the good and the bad aspects.

On the other hand, you might find that the two of you make a great problem-solving team or fantastic partners-in-adventure. Tackling a fun challenge together, early on in your relationship, could actually help promote a feeling of togetherness, as you and your partner develop as a “team” - the two of you against all else. If you find that getting lost in the mountains together or taking on a rock climbing wall doesn’t work for you, that’s fine; you can work on finding other things that do. But if it does, you’ve found activities that could bring you closer together than seeing a movie or having coffee.

There’s nothing wrong with traditional dates and activities - but try not to leave the fun, out-of-the-box ideas until you’re trying to “spice up” your dating life. Having an adventure together, whether it’s a road trip to see a concert or urban geocaching, could be an eye-opening experience or bring new depth to your relationship - and could be just plain fun!

You're getting ready for a first date: you're concerned about what to wear, what you'll talk about, and if you'll find a connection. You wonder what you'll think of your date, and more to the point, what she'll think of you. No small feat.

Dating can be nerve-wracking, but it doesn't have to be. Instead of dreading a first date and how you'll come across, try these tips to get the confidence you need to make a good first impression. (Remember, it's not a job interview!)

• Revamp your online profile. A well-crafted online profile is a good start to attracting more and better matches. If describing yourself isn't your strong suit, have a friend check it over and help you write a description to show your best self.

• Dress for success. The best way to feel confident right off the bat is to know you look good. No need to get fancy or buy an expensive outfit, but wear something that makes you feel great.

• Practice, practice, practice! If you get nervous on first dates, the best strategy is to keep going on them until you feel more comfortable. There's always a practice curve if you're just starting. Don't get down when it doesn't work out...just chalk it up to experience for your next date. There's always opportunity to get it right.

• Don't be tempted to sell yourself. Be curious about your date. Instead of talking about yourself and feeling the need to impress, start out instead by asking your date about her interests, her goals, and anything that might inspire her. It helps you get to know her better and makes the conversation more interesting and more engaging. Asking questions also shows you off in a better light than listing your accomplishments. This is a turn-off to most.

• Follow up! The worst mistake you can make following a date is not calling back, or neglecting to send a text thanking your date for the great time. If you had a good time and are interested, it's best to let her know. Have some courage and ask your date out again. Or if you're not interested, be honest and clear about your feelings and intentions. Regardless of response, this gesture will boost your confidence and you'll be treated with kindness and respect from future dates.

A quick glance at my history on this site will attest to the fact that I'm a huge fan of relationship studies. I'm mesmerized by the ways we try to apply science to sex and love, in hopes of one day being able to explain the mysterious ways of the heart.

Some studies provide fascinating insight into modern mating rituals, but many (if not most) are, as TruTv.com writer Nick Nadel puts it, "forehead-slappingly obvious." Nadel collected a list of 10 studies that most definitely fall into the latter category. Here are a few of the highlights:

Dubious Study #1: Researchers at Radboud University of Nijmegen in The Netherlands found that men tend to have difficulty performing cognitive tasks after socializing with members of the opposite sex. In other words, Nadel says, "interacting with women makes men dumb."

Nadel's Take: "As obvious studies go, this one is up there with 'people sometimes bend the truth online.'" It shouldn't take a research team to figure out that men's brains get distracted around women.

My Thoughts: I have to side with Nadel on this one. It shouldn't come as a surprise that men's brains get a little addled around attractive women, and I bet that a study on women's brains would find that they are equally as addled around attractive men.

Dubious Study #2: According to the findings of one of OkCupid's many studies on the OkTrends blog, people who use Twitter every day have shorter relationships than those who do not.

Nadel's Take: OkCupid doesn't even believe their findings. A spokesperson for the site said "Unfortunately, we have no way to tell who's dumping who here; whether the Twitterati are more annoying or just more flighty than everyone else." In other words, there's no actual proof that Twitter has anything to do with the length of a relationship.

My Thoughts: If the people responsible for the study aren't even sure what their findings are, they're probably not worth paying much attention to. The OkTrends studies are a lot of fun, but are by no means the definitive word on all things dating.

Dubious Study #3: The length of a man's ring finger is related to his attractiveness, according to a team at the University of Geneva in Switzerland. The ratio that compares the length of a man's index finger to his ring finger is known as "2D:4D."

Nadel's Take: The study claims that men with longer ring fingers have "rugged, caveman-like" faces. "Right," Nadel says, "because women always go for the caveman look. It's not like some of our most popular male celebrities are non-threatening, baby-faced types or anything."

My Thoughts: Many studies examining female perception of male attractiveness have found that women are attracted to different types of men during different phases of their menstrual cycles. A woman could, therefore, be interested in both the "baby-faced types" and the "rugged cavemen" over the course of a month. And as far as the fingers go, "correlation is not causation" - though there may be a link between finger length and attractiveness, one does not necessarily cause the other.

Stay tuned for more frivolous findings and silly studies from Nick Nadel and TruTV...

I was 38 when I found out that I had contracted Herpes. My 'donor' was the third man I'd ever slept with and had been completely asymptomatic. We stayed together for almost a year after my diagnosis, but eventually split for many reasons that were unrelated to our STD status. In fact, I think we both stayed in a very dysfunctional relationship for far too long because we felt we were damaged goods.

Tidbit #1: DO NOT STAY IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, JUST BECAUSE OF AN STD

If you have an STD and that is the only thing keeping you in your current relationship - or you have convinced yourself that you can ONLY date others with your STD, please reconsider your position. I have shared my 'status' with dozens of men over the past two years and have NEVER been met with an angry or disrespectful reaction. In fact, most men thank me for being up front.

Tidbit #2 : DO NOT SHARE YOUR STD WITH EVERY GUY YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO MEET

In the beginning, I made the mistake of feeling obligated to be up front about my STD when a man wanted to meet me. Fortunately, most men still wanted to meet me. Unfortunately, most men thought that since I was telling them about my STD, I clearly wanted to have sex with them! After a few awkward experiences of me politely explaining that it was not necessary to come to a first date stocked with Trojans, I learned that it makes much more sense to meet someone first. In most cases, I found that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with the men I met, so the topic never needed to be discussed. However, if I went on a few dates and the chemistry was there, I knew it was time to have 'the talk.'