A Few Tidbits for Women Dating with Herpes

I was 38 when I found out that I had contracted Herpes. My 'donor' was the third man I'd ever slept with and had been completely asymptomatic. We stayed together for almost a year after my diagnosis, but eventually split for many reasons that were unrelated to our STD status. In fact, I think we both stayed in a very dysfunctional relationship for far too long because we felt we were damaged goods.

Tidbit #1: DO NOT STAY IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, JUST BECAUSE OF AN STD

If you have an STD and that is the only thing keeping you in your current relationship - or you have convinced yourself that you can ONLY date others with your STD, please reconsider your position. I have shared my 'status' with dozens of men over the past two years and have NEVER been met with an angry or disrespectful reaction. In fact, most men thank me for being up front.

Tidbit #2 : DO NOT SHARE YOUR STD WITH EVERY GUY YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO MEET

In the beginning, I made the mistake of feeling obligated to be up front about my STD when a man wanted to meet me. Fortunately, most men still wanted to meet me. Unfortunately, most men thought that since I was telling them about my STD, I clearly wanted to have sex with them! After a few awkward experiences of me politely explaining that it was not necessary to come to a first date stocked with Trojans, I learned that it makes much more sense to meet someone first. In most cases, I found that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with the men I met, so the topic never needed to be discussed. However, if I went on a few dates and the chemistry was there, I knew it was time to have 'the talk.'

Tidbit #3: DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOUR PARTNER IS AROUSED TO SHARE YOUR 'NEWS'

Once I decided that it was not anyone's business that I have an STD, unless he was going to be put at risk, I made the mistake of going a bit too far to the other extreme. When it was obvious that making out was going to lead to other things, I would calmly say: "There is something I need to tell you. I have tested positive for Herpes, so you if you want to sleep with me, you will need to wear a condom." In pretty much EVERY case, the man was completely fine with this. BUT THAT DID NOT MEAN HE WAS GOING TO BE OK WITH IT THE NEXT DAY. Ladies, when men are in a state of arousal, it would take an act of God to convince them that it is not a good idea. However, that does not mean they would have made the same choice if you had shared that news over a cup of coffee at your local Starbucks. When the relationship gets to the point that you know you want to sleep with each other, tell him that you want to wait (for any logical reason) and then have your 'talk' with him another day.

Tidbit #4: IF YOU MAKE IT A BIG DEAL, IT'S A BIG DEAL

It is not your responsibility to educate your partner. In fact, you may find it very hard to be objective if he starts asking questions. The best way to share your situation is to keep it short and direct: "[Insert name here], I'm really excited that we met and I think that things are progressing really well" .. and possibly wait to make sure he is on the same page. "Before we get intimate, I want you to know that I have tested positive for [insert STD here]. Have you slept with anyone who has that STD?" This question will accomplish several things. 1. It forces you to SHUT UP and not keep rambling and making the whole thing awkward and weird. 2. It allows you to read his reaction. And gives him a chance to respond - he may say "yes" he has been with someone or even "no, but I still would like to be with you". 3. He may have something to share of his own. Regardless of his answer, if he starts to ask you a lot of questions about your STD, try to answer with facts - and encourage him to do his own research. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM UNTIL HE HAS HAD SOME TIME TO THINK THIS OVER. When he comes back to you later that day - or the next day and says he is ok with it, you will know he made the decision without feeling any pressure. (Plus, you don't want him to think that having an STD makes you desperate!)

Tidbit #5: HE MAY NOT BE OK WITH IT

Many men will accept the fact that you have an STD. But, a few will also say "I'm sorry. You are really great, but that just freaks me out." When that happens, it is very hard to not take it personally. Remember that the STD is not a reflection on YOU... and his choice to not sleep with you does not mean he is shallow or a jerk. We all have our 'deal-breakers' and he has the right to make that choice. Of course, if you have spent a great deal of time getting to know each other and all the other parts of your relationship have been strong, don't be surprised if he changes his mind in a few weeks, after he does some more research or talks to a few people.

I hope you find my tidbits of experience helpful. REMEMBER: Don't settle for anyone less than the right man. Your STD does not mean you need to lower your standards.