Relationships

When it comes to online dating, we all try to make a good impression with our pictures and profiles. We want more matches to choose from, and we don't want to be p*censored*ed up in favor of someone younger, better looking or more successful. Unfortunately, we can get a little carried away with enhancing our attributes or giving out the wrong information just so we aren't filtered out of someone else's search. But does this really help - or does it hinder our search?

Following are some common areas where people are less than honest when it comes to online dating. If you do any of these, please reconsider. After all, if you and a date hit it off, the truth will come out sooner or later.You don't want to start off with a lie.

Stop posting old photos. People post photos that are old for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you've recently gained weight and you'd like to lose it before you post a current picture of yourself. Or you love that one picture from a trip you took ten years ago because it shows off your hair or smile. Or maybe you're great with Photoshop. Unfortunately, these tactics are misleading to people meeting you for the first time. I encourage you to have a friend help take some current pictures that show you in your best light. In addition to a headshot, also try an action shot of you doing something you love. Research has shown that this is far more effective than a glamour shot.

Be true to your age. Even if you feel shaving only two or three years off your age might help you get more matches, it may work against you. When I did this, I tended to get responses from people who weren't interested in long-term relationships. I learned that opening my own mind and dating people outside my age range comfort zone worked more in my favor.

Height matters. I noticed that many men I dated added about 2 inches on average to their height. While this seems like no big deal, it was something that stood out to me because it was so common. Instead of taking a match's word for it, I subtracted a few inches from the height listed every time I went on a date. And what about the men who were telling the truth?

Don't adjust your body type. If you are a fuller figure woman or flat as a board, then don't hide it. No man wants to be misled, and tastes vary. Men prefer women of all different shapes, so don't think your weight or body type will exclude you from searches. It's worse to lie about your body type and then meet a man in person who was expecting you to look different.

Income does not equal success. Many people lie about their income to look more attractive and successful. Honestly, it's less about the amount of money you make than how p*censored*ionate and ambitious you are when it comes to pursuing your dreams. That is what people find attractive. If you're not comfortable disclosing your income, then leave it off.

Above all, it's not your date's fault if they aren't interested in you after learning you lied to them about age, income, body type, etc. Remember, it doesn't widen your search to be less than honest, it makes your search productive: they will be interested in the real you.

The scenario: You're starting to fall for a new man. You've been dating for a few weeks and things got intense pretty quickly because of your chemistry. Now however, he is starting to back away from the relationship. He goes a few days without calling, doesn't return your texts in a timely way, and you're starting to wonder if he's no longer interested.

Before you dive head-first into falling in love with him and into a full-fledged state of confusion, consider a few ideas:

Has he expressed to you want he wants/ needs? If he is elusive about whether or not he wants a relationship, or he changes the subject if it comes up, chances are he isn't looking for anything serious or he doesn't know what he wants. Either way, this is not a good fit if you are in fact looking for a serious relationship.

Are you getting ahead of yourself? If you've only been dating a few weeks, likely you haven't had any conversations about exclusivity. Remember, especially when you're online dating, until you've had a conversation about being exclusive, you should *censored*ume the person you're dating isn't. Give relationships time to develop instead of pushing for exclusivity right out of the gate. And remember, you can and should date other men until you're ready to be exclusive.

Have you listened to his wants? Sometimes, we get excited about the possibilities of a new love, so we don't pay attention to the cues or the messages our love interest sends. Maybe he recently got out of a relationship, or he mentioned that he doesn't want anything serious right now. If you think chemistry will override his preference to avoid a new relationship, think again. Perhaps you have something special, but if both of you aren't on the same page about what you want, don't try to force a relationship to happen.

Have you experienced a pattern of dating unavailable men? While I'd love to believe that when we experience a good date it leads to a relationship, this is not usually the case. Relationships don't materialize unless both parties are willing participants at the same time. If you're left wondering what happened following a great date, take heart. Success is all about timing. If you find that this kind of rejection is a recurring pattern, consider the types of men you're attracted to, and try to branch out. Only by trying something different can you expect different results. Otherwise as my friend so eloquently put it, "you're just dating the same man in different shoes."

Few things are more mysterious than the opposite sex. The mystery keeps us intrigued, but it can also be frustrating and confusing. In our quest to figure out what we don't understand, and to make the unfamiliar familiar, we often resort to using the over-simplification of stereotypes. Many stereotypes are harmless, but some are so pervasive that we've come to regard them as truth.

Here are a few of the stereotypes men believe about women that may be affecting your relationships:

• Women are slaves to their emotions. Women deal with and express their emotions differently than men, but that doesn't mean that their approach to emotions and communication is wrong. It also doesn't mean that women are unable to put their emotions aside when a situation calls for reason and logic. Emotions are a powerful force, but they can be kept in check (yes, even when a woman is PMS-ing).

• Women are crazy. Women do some crazy things, but so do men. It has nothing to do with the face that they're women, and everything to do with the fact that they're human. Women are not biologically programed to act in ways that seem insane at times any more so than men are. Writing something off as a woman's innate "craziness" is a poor attempt to rationalize behavior that men have difficulty comprehending, in an attempt to relieve them of the burden of trying to understand. This dismissal might temporarily give the illusion that things are easier, but will harm relationships in the long run.

• Women do not like, and are not good at, the same things as men. Women can't play sports. Women aren't good at math. Women don't understand money management. Women can't use power tools. Women aren't good drivers. The list of stereotypes about women's wants, needs, and abilities could go on and on. They're bound to be true for some parts of the female population, but they're true for parts of the male population as well (just ask the two men I saw get into a fender-bender on the highway last week).

• Women all want to settle down. Despite what Beyoncé may have lead you to believe, women aren't all desperate to find a man to put a ring on it. Evolutionary biology suggests that women are programmed to want financial stability, children, and a dedicated partner, especially as they get older, while men are programmed to play the field. That may be true for many women, but there are exceptions to every rule. Some women don't want children, and genuinely prefer being single.

So what are some stereotypes that women have about men? Let's take a look...

Prepare to have your relationship world rocked, because I'm about to tell you why you never need to fight with a partner again.

I'm crazy, right? I must have spent too many hours baking in the summer sun or been dropped on my head as a baby, because there's no way anyone - even the most dedicated of pacifists - can be in a relationship that's completely fight-free. Right? Right?

Wrong.

The key lies in an important distinction. Hurtful accusations, threats, cursing, name-calling, painful character *censored**censored*inations, bitter sarcasm, screaming matches, p*censored*ive-aggressive behavior - these are the signs and symptoms of fighting. With some hard work and dedication, you can wipe these destructive forces from your relationships and transform your fighting into loving and constructive interactions, like thoughtful criticism, respectful conflicts, friendly disagreements and debates, honest expressions of feelings and opinions, p*censored*ionate engagements, and mature negotiation.

Here are 5 strategies for fighting without fighting:

1. Use your inside voice. The louder you yell, the less likely it is that your partner will actually hear anything you're saying. Focus on the issues, rather than how much noise you can make while discussing them.

2. Listen actively and respectfully. If your partner is starting to sound like the teacher from "Charlie Brown," you're not listening effectively. Hear your partner out and acknowledge their feelings, even if you disagree, and wait until they're done speaking before sharing your feelings on the matter.

3. Don't attack each other. Stick to the issue at hand and don't resort to personal attacks. Dealing with a problem is challenging at the best of times, so why add to the stress of the situation by resorting to name-calling and character *censored**censored*inations that hurt feelings but have no real bearing on the actual issue?

4. Get specific. It's hard to understand another person's point of view, so make it as easy on them as possible. Be as specific and detailed as you can about why you're upset, how you want to deal with the problem, and what can be done in the future to prevent the issue from arising again. Give examples to illuminate the situation, and when you're listening to your partner's side of the story, be sure to ask for clarification over anything you don't understand.

5. Don't go global. Resist the temptation to make global, generalized statements like "You always" or "You never." They almost always lead to dead ends and more conflict, and are rarely, if ever, true.

Those are a few strategies to get you started on the path towards conflict resolution mastery, but there's more where that came from. 5 more, next time.

The serial dater: everyone knows at least one. For me, it's my friend Erin. I've known her since we were kids, and it feels like she's been single for all of 5 days since she started seeing her first boyfriend in high school. She's dated one man after another, and although relationships are wonderful in so many ways, I can't help but think that she's missing out on something vital by never giving herself time to be single.

There's a lot to learn from a break up, and the singlehood that follows it, for the observant and open-minded scholar. Remember that the primary reason for any break up, whatever the more detailed and specific reasons are, is that the relationship wasn't right for you - you didn't want it, or you didn't need it, or the person was wrong for you, or the dynamics of the relationship were fundamentally flawed. Without time to reflect on what ended the relationship - to take a deep, honest look at what you want, what you need, and who you're most compatible with - you'll never have the opportunity to figure out what will make a relationship last.

So what can taking a break do for you?

• Taking a break allows you to figure out exactly what you need from a long-term relationship. The only way to figure out what you want in a partner is to date as many different people as possible, and to have a mixture of good and bad experiences from which to learn. If you're constantly in serious relationships, you'll never have the breadth of experience required to pinpoint precisely who you're most compatible with.

• Taking a break gives you time to grow. When a long-term relationship comes to an end, you need time to process the experience. Singlehood provides a much-needed opportunity to breathe, reflect, and make the necessary changes. That can mean anything from going back to school, to changing your career, to picking up a hobby or learning a new skill, to traveling or even moving. Hopping directly from one serious relationship to another, on the other hand, will almost always stunt your personal growth.

• Taking a break helps you conquer your fear of being alone. One of the most difficult relationship lessons to learn is that you don't actually need a relationship - you are healthy and whole, all on your own. It may sound like a paradox, but the best way to be happy in a relationship is to be happy without a relationship. Take the time you need to become your happiest, healthiest self, before making a long-term commitment to someone else.

Embrace change. Embrace the break up. And embrace your path to personal evolution.

Social media has brought us together and engaged people online more than anything else. Most of us have a Facebook page, so it's only natural that it's become part of the dating experience as well.

Unfortunately, this isn't always a good thing. Especially when you start to date someone new. Do you really want to share your personal information and status history with a virtual stranger? And what happens once you break up; do you de-friend immediately, or do you keep her around so you can check up on who she's dating? It can get complicated.

Following are some tips for those questions you may have when it comes to Facebook and dating:

Don't use Facebook to exchange contact information. While it's easy and convenient to friend someone over Facebook rather than ask for a number, it's not a smart move when you first meet someone. Dating involves getting to know a person; it's a courting process. When you have instant access to someone's personal information (and she has yours), there's no mystery and plenty of room for judgment. What about those political musings you posted, or the compromising picture you took in Vegas? Instead of opening your life up so easily, try something old-fashioned and exchange numbers. If you're still hesitant about asking for a number, then message her. Don't friend her. Avoid complications.

Don't friend people you are dating (if you're not exclusive). I know it's tempting, even standard practice to do this. You've been on a few dates and really are enjoying each other's company. Things seem to be progressing nicely. But before you send the friend request, stop and consider. Would you be fine if this person de-friended you should the relationship go south; or worse, if she posted hurtful comments on your wall? Do you want him to know your friends and all of your personal musings? Do you want her to see the other friends you might be dating, with posts like, "thanks for last night?" Keep your dating life and Facebook separate, unless you're ready to take that next step.

Don't use it as a relationship barometer. I've said this before, but many people (women especially) use Facebook to test the progress of a relationship. Once friends, make a point to discuss any relationship postings you want to do in advance. If you're not on the same page (you've declared that you're in a relationship and he's still single), then this can be cause for needless worry. Facebook status reports shouldn't be a replacement for those difficult conversations about where you are in a relationship. Remember to talk it out.

Remember, Facebook is a social media tool, so don't use it to navigate your dating life. Conversation is always best.

For more information on using this social network as a dating tool you can read our Facebook review.