How To Fight Without Fighting

Prepare to have your relationship world rocked, because I'm about to tell you why you never need to fight with a partner again.

I'm crazy, right? I must have spent too many hours baking in the summer sun or been dropped on my head as a baby, because there's no way anyone - even the most dedicated of pacifists - can be in a relationship that's completely fight-free. Right? Right?

Wrong.

The key lies in an important distinction. Hurtful accusations, threats, cursing, name-calling, painful character *censored**censored*inations, bitter sarcasm, screaming matches, p*censored*ive-aggressive behavior - these are the signs and symptoms of fighting. With some hard work and dedication, you can wipe these destructive forces from your relationships and transform your fighting into loving and constructive interactions, like thoughtful criticism, respectful conflicts, friendly disagreements and debates, honest expressions of feelings and opinions, p*censored*ionate engagements, and mature negotiation.

Here are 5 strategies for fighting without fighting:

1. Use your inside voice. The louder you yell, the less likely it is that your partner will actually hear anything you're saying. Focus on the issues, rather than how much noise you can make while discussing them.

2. Listen actively and respectfully. If your partner is starting to sound like the teacher from "Charlie Brown," you're not listening effectively. Hear your partner out and acknowledge their feelings, even if you disagree, and wait until they're done speaking before sharing your feelings on the matter.

3. Don't attack each other. Stick to the issue at hand and don't resort to personal attacks. Dealing with a problem is challenging at the best of times, so why add to the stress of the situation by resorting to name-calling and character *censored**censored*inations that hurt feelings but have no real bearing on the actual issue?

4. Get specific. It's hard to understand another person's point of view, so make it as easy on them as possible. Be as specific and detailed as you can about why you're upset, how you want to deal with the problem, and what can be done in the future to prevent the issue from arising again. Give examples to illuminate the situation, and when you're listening to your partner's side of the story, be sure to ask for clarification over anything you don't understand.

5. Don't go global. Resist the temptation to make global, generalized statements like "You always" or "You never." They almost always lead to dead ends and more conflict, and are rarely, if ever, true.

Those are a few strategies to get you started on the path towards conflict resolution mastery, but there's more where that came from. 5 more, next time.