Relationships

What are some stereotypes that women propagate about men in an attempt to understand the enigma of the opposite sex?

Let's have a look:

• Men need to be in control. Some men like to be in control, some women like to be in control. Some men are dominant, some women are dominant. Some men are aggressive, some women are aggressive. Some men prefer being a follower to being a leader, and some women prefer being a leader to being a follower. You get the point by now: there are plenty of men who like to be in control, but it's not a defining characteristic of every member of the male population. It's ok to break with tradition. Women: don't be afraid to approach a man and get his number. Men: don't be afraid to let that woman take you out on a date.

• Men only want sex. Sex is great - period. It has nothing to do with whether you're a man or a woman. Men who want sex seek out sex, and men who want something more seek out relationships. Modern society seems to teach men that their manhood is defined by wanting to get laid as much as possible, while criticizing women for wanting the same thing. We will all be much happier - and much more sexually satisfied - when we learn to abandon our limiting preconceived notions about sex and desire.

• Men are focused on physical attractiveness. This goes hand in hand with the idea that men only want sex. Of course men appreciate beautiful women - and what woman doesn't appreciate a handsome man? Humans are hardwired to seek out mates that they find attractive, but physical attraction is only one piece of the puzzle - for both men and women - when it comes to finding a suitable partner for a long-term relationship.

• Men are afraid of commitment. assumptions about settling down are among the most widespread, and most dangerous, of the sex-based stereotypes. Whereas men believe that women want nothing more than to settle down, women are taught to believe that men fear nothing quite like they fear commitment. Commitment is scary - it requires unbelievably high levels of maturity and confidence, as well as the courage to face the idea that you've found your match and your life will never be the same again. Who wouldn't be at least a little bit nervous about that? Commitment is nerve-wracking regardless of gender.

The exhilarating mysteries of the opposite sex will always be a catalyst for romantic and sexual intrigue, but relying on stereotypes to explain the behaviors of others will always do more harm than good. Remember that stereotypes are dismissive and shallow clichés, not truths, and that making assumptions is never the answer. After all, to assume - as my father always says - makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me."

So you’ve got a busy - even hectic - schedule. Hitting up the standard weekend hot spots doesn’t come easy for you, so you turn to online dating. Suddenly, you can peruse profiles and send emails whenever it’s convenient for you, whether that’s at eleven at night or five in the morning. A perfect solution, right?

Right - until it’s time to actually meet up in person and have a date, and you realize you’re dealing with an actual person for whom you will have to adjust your schedule.

There’s nothing wrong with utilizing online dating when you have an unusual schedule; in fact, the ability to “meet” people on your own schedule is a major benefit. However, it’s important to remember that you’re not just squeezing in an extra hobby as your time allows; you’re looking to include another individual in your life. It might not always be easy to make your schedules work, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile to compromise.

A friend of mine, Steve, admitted to me that when he’d been on an online dating site for awhile with little success, it was easy to forget that he was contacting a living, breathing human. “It was more important to get a response to that email,” he says. “I was thinking of women in terms of ‘the 5th one I’m emailing this week’ or ‘the one with the pet iguana.’ When some of them actually began writing back, I wasn’t even sure how to continue the conversation. The first returned email was a wakeup call.”

It’s unclear what the healthiest mental practices are when it comes to online dating. On the one hand, you don’t want to get emotionally invested in every single person; that would be like falling in love with every person to whom you said “Hi.” On the other hand, you don’t want to become so emotionally removed that you begin to think of a significant other as an achievement you must check off, instead of a best friend.

As you peruse profiles and send out emails this week, think about your ultimate goal. Is it to get a higher response rate? To score a date? Or to find a compatible person?

If you're old enough to be searching the Internet for dating advice, you're probably old enough to have outgrown bad habits like biting your nails and sucking your thumb.

But have you outgrown your bad relationship habits​? Are you even aware that they exist, or are they skulking in the shadows of your subconscious, sabotaging your relationships while you're blissfully ignorant of the havoc they're wrecking?

Where relationships are concerned, we are often our own worst enemies. We create problems where they don't exist, whether we're aware of it - and have no better strategy for getting out of a relationship that isn't working - or not.

Are the problems in your relationship an inside job? Are you undermining the success of your love life? Here are 2 common ways that people sabotage their relationships:

Letting insecurities ran rampant. We all have the occasional self-esteem slip, but it's dangerous to become defined by them. You know your insecurities have become a problem if you are unable to accept a compliment, or constantly find yourself wondering why your partner is with someone inferior like you. When you are controlled by your insecurities, you withdraw mentally, sexually, and emotionally from your partner, creating a rift in your relationship.

How to handle it: The first step is developing awareness. How are you feeling about yourself? How are those feelings affecting the people around you? Do you engage in a lot of negative-self talk, and encourage others to express opinions that corroborate your limiting beliefs about yourself? Explore your insecurities, both on your own and with your partner, and come up with strategies for eliminating them.

Keeping score. Relationships are a constant ebb and flow of give and take. Sacrifices that require you to continuously put someone else's needs above your own are unhealthy, but love does require compromise. If you're keeping a running tally of each and every give and take, however, the stability of your relationship is probably suffering. Keeping score - like "We went to the movies with your friends 5 times last month, and only once with mine!" - is almost always a sign that a larger problem is lurking below the surface.

How to handle it: If you find yourself keeping score, it's a sign that you're not feeling completely understood in your relationship. Ask yourself why this is happening and what you can do to fix it, and be prepared to make major life changes if you find that you're sacrificing too much. Consider the ways your partner may be making compromises for you that you've been unaware of and haven't shown appreciation for. Communicate honestly and maturely with your partner about your thoughts and feelings on the matter, and develop a plan of action for making you feel more appreciated and heard.

It’s not uncommon for me to hear people say, “But I’m a nice person. Why do people always ignore me? Is it true that nice people always come in last?” That cliche is as old as the hills, but people still turn to it when they’re down on their love luck. But is there any merit to it?

First, it’s important to analyze what “nice” really means to you. Does it mean being considerate, or does it mean placing the needs of everyone else before your own? Does it mean being polite, or does it mean being a doormat? Do you think it’s possible to be a “nice” person and be *censored*ertive at the same time?

When people feel they’re unappreciated as a “nice” person, the problem is often not that they’re nice, but that they lack confidence. It’s difficult to notice or appreciate someone who doesn’t think that they’re worthy of notice or appreciation. It becomes even more difficult if they *censored*ume a, “Nobody cares about me anyway” kind of attitude. A thoughtful gesture is always appreciated, but it’s a little more difficult to acknowledge it when you know you’re going to get Eeyore in response.

Now, what if you’re certain that you really are *censored*ertive, with high self-esteem, and still you feel your attentions aren’t noticed or appreciated? Well, I would then wonder why someone with high self-esteem is wasting their time on someone who doesn’t appreciate them! The fact is, nice people don’t have to come in last; there are plenty of people who appreciate a comp*censored*ionate, thoughtful partner. If you feel you’re doing everything right and still getting nowhere, it’s just possible that you’re right; perhaps the real problem lies in who you’re choosing to pursue.

Even though you’ve probably heard “Nice guys (or girls) come in last,” that doesn’t mean it’s a universal truth. Don’t give up and become a cliche! By analyzing your own attitude and goals, you may be able to prove all those old wives wrong.

If you thought I was crazy the first time around for suggesting that you could have a relationship without fighting, prepare yourself to think I'm completely insane - downright certifiable, even - because I'm about to give you even more strategies for mastering the relationship-saving art of fighting without fighting.

To transform destructive, hurtful fights into constructive conflicts, follow these suggestions:

1. Hunt for moments of harmony. In almost every argument, points of agreement can be found. Hunt for these moments of clarity and harmony and embrace them when they're found. Finding the common ground is the first step towards discovering a solution that's workable for both parties.

2. Compromise when necessary. Be willing to give a little, and make space for your partner to give a little in return. Every relationship - no matter how solid or satisfying - requires compromise at times. It won't always be split 50-50, but this isn't about keeping score - it's about resolving conflicts in a mature and healthy manner. Remember, however, that compromise should never feel like unwanted sacrifice. If you feel like you are unfairly expected to compromise when your partner is not, the issue needs to be addressed.

3. Consider all your options. Collaboration is a key element of ending conflicts. When you and your partner begin cooperating in order to work out a solution together, the end of the argument is near. Suggest resolution strategies, ask for alternatives from your partner, and show respect for their opinion by considering all options before making a decision.

4. Listen to your grandmother. Like many wise and wizened relatives, my grandmother told me that my partner and I should never go to bed angry. This oft-repeated advice has become cliché now, but that doesn't make it any less true. "Winning" is never more important than communication, connection, and happiness. Some arguments, in the face of the prospect of no sleep, will suddenly seem trivial and be forgotten. Other arguments will require serious discussion and a peace offering or two, but the extra time spent working out a compromise before hitting the sack will be well worth it.

5. Embrace the tension. Conflicts will happen, no matter how much you love each other, so instead of fearing conflict, learn to embrace it. Working through disagreements together builds a solid foundation for the relationship, and provides invaluable opportunities for growth both as a couple and as individuals. Treat every moment of dissonance as a chance to learn from each other and the experiences you share.

Conflicts - when handled correctly - will strengthen a relationship instead of harming it.

CBS new late-night dating show called "Excused" started last week on Monday September 12th at 11pm. The thing that differentiates this show from other dating shows like "The Dating Game" or "Blind Date" (same creators) is that at the shows core there is an online dating site. The dating site is Jazzed.com. This year old service was launched by eHarmony (see Story) to help them compete against the more general oriented dating sites which typically younger singles use.

So how does the show Excused make use of the dating site? Every contestant on the show will have an online dating profile on Jazzed.com. This profile and references to the information on the profile will be used throughout the show to help match up the contestants. The twist here which Jazzed.com and TV executives hope brings in a large audience is that viewers will be able to go online and view the contestants profiles as well. Just like any other profile, viewers (who become members) will then be able to send emails or instant messages to the contestant if they choose and even potentially date if the attraction is reciprocated.

For more on the story you can read Ad Age and for more details on one of the online dating sites mentioned, please check out our review of eHarmony.