Relationships

We're entering holiday season, which is a joyous time for some but not for others, especially those who are contemplating breaking things off with a significant other. While it's tempting to stay together for the festivities, parties, and gifts, sometimes it's better to head into holiday season alone. If you're unhappy, staying together to avoid being alone isn't a good reason, and serves as only a temporary distraction from making a very difficult decision.

Following are some suggestions to help yourself move out of a relationship and on to healing through the holidays:

Rely on family and friends. When you break things off before the holidays begin, give a heads-up to your family and friends. Let them know what you need: if it's to talk about what happened, or just be a shoulder to cry on. Most will be happy to be supportive, so let them.

Make plans. Again, this is a great time to call up those friends to go for a happy hour, dinner, or a movie. Friends are an invaluable support system when you're alone for the holidays, so be sure to make time with them so you can be busy instead of thinking about your ex. And when you go out, remember to have some fun. You don't have to talk about your break-up - sometimes it's good to just relax, let go, and have a good time.

Accept invitations. Just because you don't have a date on your arm for the office holiday party or your friend's dinner, make plans to go. When we go through break-ups, it's tempting to stay in and watch endless TV, especially when the alternative is facing a roomful of couples and partygoers. But think of this - the holidays are the best time to meet new people, because there are so many parties and opportunities to connect. Even though you're not ready to date, it's nice to flirt and make some connections. You never know what could happen down the line.

Pamper yourself. It's difficult to make a transition from couple to single, especially over the holidays when families and friends come together, making you feel more alone than ever. But remember that this is temporary. You'll soon be back on your feet; you just need time to heal. Take advantage of the time you have for yourself and get pampered - whether it's by taking that weekend trip to the beach or spending a day at the spa. You deserve a little comfort, so treat yourself.

Remember, there is never a convenient time for a break-up, so do what feels right for you.

In the weeks leading up to and immediately following the winter holidays, it’s not unusual to see a spike in new people who are interested in giving online dating a whirl. It makes sense; the holidays leave them inundated with ads, movies, and messages that leave them reassessing their choices and re-evaluating their priorities. However, what few people realize is that the holidays are actually a pretty poor time to begin dating.

First of all, you might well meet someone new in the influx of fresh blood; whether you’ll be able to find a time to meet is another story. Holidays are full of prior obligations - to friends, family, even acquaintances we hardly ever see (hey, it can take hours to fill out all those greeting cards). With the first stirrings of snow and turkey decorations, you might feel a longing for someone special and fill out an online profile - and then be hard-pressed to find time to actually communicate with anyone for the next six weeks. Don’t be surprised if communication with someone new is spotty at best; they might be swamped for days, then have nothing to do for a week. And their level of ‘busy’ might be directly inverse with yours.

Secondly, the holidays are typically a time of family gatherings, whether you’re talking about a biological family or one comprised of people you’ve chosen. When you start dating over the holidays, it’s all the more likely that your date will be prematurely thrown into the family mix - dinners, football games, bonfires. Is your relationship ready to be scrutinized like a holiday parade?

Even just meeting for the first time during the holidays can be tricky. You or your date might be bloated and lethargic from too many turkey dinners, or frazzled from the holiday business rush. Whether or not they’re entirely self-created, there are often extra expectations over the holidays, leading to extra stress. It’s simply not a time when many people are at their best.

So what does this mean? Should you just postpone dating altogether until after the dust of fake snow has settled? Well, no, you don’t have to. The key to surviving dating during the holidays is the same as surviving the holidays in general: try to be flexible and keep an open mind. Understand the pressures you face, and realize that the people you’re communicating with are dealing with the same. Relaxation is the main weapon against the holiday frazzle; use it well, and you can use the influx of people new to the dating world to your advantage without becoming swamped in expectation yourself.

Scenario: You've started dating a great man. You go out a few times a week, and he often texts you throughout the day to share jokes, thoughts, or just to say hi. You look forward to seeing him more and more. But then, a day goes by where you don't hear from him. You start to panic, wondering if he's seeing someone else or if you said something to offend him. You wait for him to text or call, and nothing happens. You pace, fret and worry until you can't handle it anymore. Your insecurities get the best of you. You send off an accusatory text: "Why haven't you called me? Is this your way of dumping me?"

As you can imagine, this does not lead to a better relationship. Instead, this kind of behavior often in a big turn-off for men. Instead of wanting to please you, they run for the hills.

So if this is something you find yourself doing when you're lovestruck, please remember these few simple steps before you start sabotaging your relationship:

Take a deep breath. When we let our thoughts go out of control, we often feel physically out of control, causing us to react. Instead of giving in to those impulses, take a deep breath. Count to a hundred. Go running or hiking. When we refocus our physical energy, we can diffuse our emotional energy.

Do something else. Yes, it's that simple. If you can't stop thinking about the fact he hasn't called in three days, or that his last text only said "hey," then you need to do something else now. Call a friend to go to dinner or a movie. Get out of your house and away from your phone. Dwelling on what to do and when he'll call or text is never the answer.

Write that text or email, but don't press send. If you really need to get your feelings off your chest, then write them out. But don't press the "send" key. This is for your eyes and well-being only.

Communicate. If you often jump to the conclusion that when a man doesn't call or text regularly he isn't interested, or that he's seeing someone else, stop. Instead of assuming the worst, have an open conversation with him. Don't be hostile or accusatory. Simply state your feelings and expectations, and ask if you can compromise. Maybe he needs a little time and space to see if the relationship is right, and doesn't like to feel pressured. Maybe you feel he doesn't respect your time when he calls you to do something at the last minute. Whatever your grievances, talk them out. Don't just assume the other person is being a player or duplicitous in some way. Be open to the relationship so it can build.

You've been talking to someone online and it's been going well, so now it's time to take the next big step - the first date! You're probably feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness. However, have you given any thought to how you're going to mentally approach the big day? Your mindset can play a big role in your perception of the entire evening - it can even affect your behavior. Here are a few common approaches, and their consequences:

The Job Interviewee: You really, really don't want to mess this up! What if you say the wrong thing? Are you wearing the right clothes? Your date smirked when you answered that question - what does it all mean? Will they call you back?

Chances are, approaching a date like this will leave you a bundle of nerves, and your date may very well pick up on the tension. Try to have a little more confidence! Why are you the one being interviewed, anyway? Of course, taking the opposite approach makes you...

The Job Interviewer: You're approaching your date with a mix of aggression and cynicism. Will this person be good enough for you? Maybe it would be fun (for you) to ask them completely random questions and play head games, just to see what they do!

Here's the thing: if you're judging your date, or laughing at them, they will almost certainly pick up on it. You're looking for someone who will be one of your best friends, not picking out a pig at the fair.

The Scientist: You're looking for compatibility - by compiling a list of your interests and cross-referencing them. Then you're going to order those interests by importance. You might throw in a bit of astrological compatibility, blood type, maybe smell each other's clothes to test for pheromones...

You're trying to be logical and thorough - but chemistry has a little something extra that we can't quite define yet. With this sterile approach, your date might feel more like a specimen. Perhaps relaxing and enjoying the date will give you your most accurate results yet!

Obviously all of these approaches are lacking a little something. Where's the happy medium? What should we strive for? How about...

The Conversationalist: You keep in mind that it's not a contest, and you're looking for a friend, not a reward. You're meeting to see if you're compatible and get along - no more, no less. If it doesn't work out, it's no one's fault; you simply weren't compatible. And if it does work out - well, that could be the start of something really exciting.

Hopefully, taking this approach will leave you relaxed, confident, and actually listening to your date's answers. A happy mix of everything, that will leave you at your best - and best able to appreciate your date!

To beat the holiday breakup blues, I suggested in Part I that couples do their best to enter the season prepared. When you anticipate the major stressors ahead of time, you can come up with solutions while you're clear-headed and calm, rather than in the heat of the moment when your judgment will be clouded. Let's take a look at two of the most common challenges, and their solutions, faced by couples during the holidays:

Problem #1: Family turf wars.

Family time tops the list of holiday stressors for so many couples. It feels like everyone wants a piece of you and they all want it at exactly the same time, so not only are you stressed about making time for them, you're stressed about finding time for yourselves as a couple, too. And don't even think about alone time.

Solution: Take care of yourselves first. Look at both of your schedules, and block out some "just the two of us" time. Unwind, bond, and forget about family obligations for a little while. When it's time to think about your families again, approach it with a relaxed attitude. As my father always says, "You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time." Know that you may not be able to make everyone completely happy, and that's ok. Don't let yourself be guilt-tripped into anything that adds to your stress. Find the fairest solution possible - dinners on different days, or trading off holidays - and stick to it.

Problem #2: Merging holiday traditions.

This is a huge headache for so many couples. Maybe you can't decide if you're going to celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or both. Maybe one family opens gifts on Christmas Day, and one family opens gifts on Christmas Eve. Maybe one prefers to start holiday dinners early, and the other prefers to keep the party going all night long. Whatever the conflict is, the result is the same: misunderstandings, stress, and hurt feelings.

Solution: First and foremost, remember that neither of you is right or wrong. Your traditions are different, but one is not better than the other and they all deserve respect. Second, communicate. It's a cliché in the relationship world, but it's true - if you can't communicate about what's important to you, you'll never feel heard or happy. This is the perfect time to put your negotiation skills to good use. Pick out a few of the traditions that are most important to you, and explain to your partner why they mean so much. Listen to his or her list in return, then discuss and compromise. Come up with a solution that allows both of you to continue at least one of the traditions that you hold dearest.

I know a girl, “Mina,” who has hardly any trouble getting dates. No, she’s not outrageously beautiful, nor does she have any magic spellbook. Instead, she knows a little about everything, and has an uncanny ability to get along with - and, essentially, mold her personality to - just about anyone.

While some might think her lucky, Mina has a problem; she’s never been happy in a long-term relationship. “Finding a guy is no problem,” she complained. “But it never seems to work out in the end.”

Mina’s problem seems obvious to everyone but Mina herself; she’s not in tune with who she really is, and what she really wants. Thus, though she can be compatible with almost anyone on the surface, she never truly gets comfortable.

It’s common for people to become immersed in the life of their new partner; they’re being introduced to new interests and ideas, which seem all the better because their partner is so wonderful. Everyone is changed, at least a little, by their significant other. So how can we tell whether we’re simply changing the normal amount, or whether we have a problem like Mina?

First consider the balance of influence. Sure, you’re learning a lot from your new partner; are they learning much from you, or are you the only sponge in the couple? Do you feel as though one of you is always the teacher, and the other the student?

What about your friends and family? Have they noticed a marked difference in your behavior? Again, a little of this is normal; imagine if suddenly you were together every day with someone who was from a different part of the country or world. Eventually, new slang might creep into your everyday speech, or maybe your accent would be affected. However, it’s unlikely that you’d begin speaking like you were born and raised elsewhere, unless you were quite suggestible. Using those around you as a gauge can help you determine if your behavior has changed excessively.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your new life, with your new partner. However, it’s equally important that your new partner enjoys an authentic you. If you’re truly comfortable with each other, other aspects of a successful relationship, like communication, are all the more easy. Why not make sure you’re starting off on the right foot? Remember: your partner wasn’t looking for a clone, or a student - they were looking for you.