Relationships

In the days before I owned a digital camera, I was frequently unpleasantly surprised. “That’s what I look like to everyone else?” I would think dismally when I’d finally see a picture of myself. “Why didn’t anyone tell me that haircut was awful? I had no idea that outfit really made me look so bad!” Once I acquired a camera - not even a good one, just something where I could check out the results quickly - a strange thing happened. Rather than have my self-esteem trampled on a more regular basis, the camera became a friend.

It’s something of a joke in movies, but there’s a reason why the fashion industry has long used Polaroids as backup for their eyes - it’s a fast and simple way to get an objective third-person perspective. When you’re viewing an outfit in a mirror, looking down upon yourself, it’s just not the same as someone standing ten feet away from you. Now, digital technology is even better - if you find you’ve made a terrible mistake in dressing, you can quickly change, delete the evidence, and it’s like it never happened.

That doesn’t mean that cameras are infallible; turning a three-dimensional person into a two-dimensional image can have unfortunate side effects. The wrong angle can, indeed, “add ten pounds.” Some days we’re simply less photogenic than others. The beauty of digital technology, however, is that taking many pictures makes it increasingly obvious whether it’s a simple issue of angle or a bad hair day. In the days when we saw only a handful of pictures of ourselves every so often, we might wonder if we looked like that every day. With a digital camera, it’s easier to brush off a bad picture as simply that.

Playing with a digital camera, while uncomfortable at first, can even help raise self-confidence. From the privacy of your own home, you can learn that the look you thought was coy actually gives you two chins, or that there really is a better “side” to you. Then, the next time you’re in a group shot with friends, you can literally put your best face forward - or your best facial expression, anyway.

Finally, being familiar with a digital camera can give you a range of choices when it comes time to choose a default picture for an online dating profile. Why limit yourself to a choice between one picture that’s four years old and another when you’re in mid-sneeze? The less afraid you are of the camera, the more natural you’ll become in front of it, and you’ll advance to a level where you’re finding a picture that best captures your personality, instead of simply one where you look okay.

For some, the camera is their worst enemy - but with digital cameras available cheaply, even found on our phones, there’s no reason not to see the camera for what it is: a tool. When properly mastered, it can even become a friend.

Online dating can seem like a big sales game. You're trying to impress a bunch of strangers who don't know anything about you. You want to be noticed, to find romance, to find partnership, or just dip your toe in the dating pool again. Whatever your motivation, it's easy to fall into the trap of misrepresenting yourself in order to appear more attractive. Most of the time, this works against you.

The old adage "just be yourself" really sets you apart from the pack. Many people make the mistake of trying to conform to what they think other singles are looking for, which leads to generic profiles, inaccurate depictions, and not much information about who you are, what your passion is, or anything else that can be a conversation starter or way to connect.

A few tips for being yourself:

Post recent photos. According to statistics, many people post photos that are more than a year old. While you may look tanned, fit and glowing from last year's vacation in Mexico, is that really who you are in your day-to-day life? Instead, have a friend take a good photo if you don't have anything from the last couple of months. If you've had the same profile picture for several months, change it. It will put your profile in the front lines of other's searches when you update.

Show off your passion. If you love playing electric guitar, cooking, mountain biking, or rowing, include a photo and a couple of sentences about your passion. This is something that others can connect with - and often it's easier to communicate in a photo rather than just including it in your profile description, because people in a hurry often just flip through photos and glance over descriptions. This is a way to make sure you get them to take a second look.

Don't hide your flaws. OKCupid came out with a study earlier this year that showed if men disagree over whether or not a woman is hot, she fares better with messages and responses than women who are generically considered "attractive." Most of the time, there was a particular feature, like a large nose or curvy hips, that some men found really attractive and others didn't. The thing to remember is, when you meet someone in person, they will notice what you tried to hide in photographs. So why not go out with the ones that find your perceived flaws really hot from the start?

Get a friend to help. If you feel you can't be objective about all your great qualities, enlist a friend to help write your profile and choose photos. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming to try and figure out how to best "sell" yourself, but really - people don't want to read a long list of attributes. They want to find something to help them connect with you. Remember, dating is all about connection. So finding ways to help people want to learn more about you - through humor, storytelling, or talking about your passions - are all helpful in your search for love online.

Dating can be stressful and can make us question our confidence. And when you're searching through online profiles or checking your inbox for matches, you can go crazy wondering why someone didn't write you back or why suddenly you've stopped getting messages.

Some of my friends used to adopt "dating personas" to deal with the emotional roller coaster of dating. Instead of letting themselves get hurt, they preferred to date and dump quickly, assuming an "I don't care" position. They never let someone get close enough to see who they really were. After all, they were independent, many successful at their careers. They assumed that their love lives would follow suit if they approached things with the same efficiency they'd use in sales meetings.

As a friend, I knew them well enough to see through their acts. They weren't letting anyone in. Instead, they were trying to be who they assumed others would find attractive - someone confident who didn't need a relationship. So who did they end up attracting? Unavailable men or women; ones who weren't interested in a relationship either. Maybe they were both fooling themselves.

If you find yourself acting differently on dates than you would in your "real life" with co-workers or friends, take a step back. Ask yourself what you really want, and if you're willing to let yourself be vulnerable. Ask yourself if you're afraid to let your personality show through to your dates. Are you a little goofy, or insecure, or nerdy? Do you think a date wouldn't understand your love of video games, or that you make a living as a gardener instead of a flashy career like investment banking? Do you think these traits make you seem less attractive than other people?

On the contrary, your uniqueness is what attracts people to you. There are plenty of people who fit generic descriptions of an "ideal partner" in terms of career, looks, and even personality traits. But that doesn't mean when two people meet they will click. That all depends on how willing you are to put yourself out there. How willing you are to be yourself, perceived shortcomings and all. This is the only way for two people to really connect.

Not everyone is going to be right for you and you might get your heart broken again, but continuing with a dating persona guarantees that you won't meet someone who loves you for the person you are. And isn't that the relationship we all want - someone who accepts us as we are, faults and all?

Do you search through online dating profiles, filtering out your options based on a list of ideal traits you want in a partner? Do you fill out the questionnaires according to your desired traits, and weed through profiles that don't match these ideals?

As it turns out, this could prevent you from meeting The One.

According to new research from Northwestern University and Texas A&M University, people tend to be more picky when online dating than when meeting someone in person. People liked potential partners that matched their ideals when reading their profiles, but those same ideals didn't matter once they met in person.

"People have ideas about the abstract qualities they're looking for in a romantic partner," said Eastwick, assistant professor of psychology at Texas A&M University and lead author of the study. "But once you actually meet somebody face to face, those ideal preferences for traits tend to be quite flexible."

The researchers concluded that attraction between two people is more three-dimensional than just matching a list of qualities each prefers.

"People are not simply the average of their traits," he said. "Knowing that somebody is persistent, ambitious and sexy does not tell you what that person is actually like. It doesn't make sense for us to search for partners that way."

Because online dating offers so many options (and new faces every day), we like to think that all this choice is helpful in finding the right person. In actuality, you could be dismissing someone on paper (or online rather) based on one or two traits you don't like, but if you were to meet in person, you could be attracted to the person as a whole despite not having some of the traits you find generally attractive. Again, romance and chemistry are unique to each couple, and often you don't know where you'll find it.

My advice based on this helpful bit of research is: be very open in your online dating filters. Instead of ruling out men or women of a certain age, income, height, weight, personality type, etc., have an open mind. Make a short list (three things) that are "must-haves" and the rest make negotiable. This way, you're opening up your options and may discover you connect with someone you otherwise would never have dated.

The more open you are to dating outside your "type," the less likely you'll repeat the same relationship mistakes of the past. When you're in new territory, you have new experiences. You might even say, "I would never have gone out with him based on his profile, but I'm so glad I did!"

Dating can be intimidating, especially if you've just come out of a long-term relationship. It's normal to worry about everything from what you'll wear to what you'll say or even how attractive others will find you. It can make you doubt yourself and turn into somewhat of a narcissist. Who doesn't want to put his best foot forward when meeting someone for the first time?

There are a few simple steps to improving your confidence when it comes to dating. We can't all be Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt, but we can do our best to boost our attractiveness meters and feel like a million bucks - and believe me, your dates will notice.

Dress for success. Nothing improves dating confidence more than when you know you look good. Wear the dress that flatters you most. Add heels and a nice top to your jeans. Wear a jacket over your black t-shirt. Dressing up a bit for a date shows the person you're meeting that you take care of yourself and make an effort. It speaks volumes for making a good first impression. So even if you're meeting for coffee on a Sunday afternoon, put a little effort in - resist showing up in flip flops and torn jeans.

Mind your manners. You don't have to open doors for your date (although this is a simple, elegant move), but do remember the small things - like putting your cell phone away and engaging in conversation. If you're distracted and looking around at other women in the restaurant, or talking about yourself without asking her questions, these are big turn-offs.

Respect everyone around you. Treat everyone you encounter on your date with respect: the valet, the waiter, the bartender, the hostess. Remember to tip well. These small steps will go far in endearing you to your date - especially when she doesn't know you - so pay attention to how you treat the people around you.

Exercise. No, you don't have to be a model or body builder to be able to successfully date, but you do have to show an interest in keeping fit. Start an exercise regime you can stick to - this will do wonders for your self-confidence, not to mention give you an extra lift from all those endorphins. Your date will notice.

Adjust your attitude. Most daters want to go out with someone who makes them feel good - someone who can laugh or has a generally optimistic nature. If you complain a lot about work, or past dates, or your exes when you get nervous and you're trying to connect with your date, please stop! Instead, ask questions or talk about your passions - make the date a positive experience rather than a depressing one.

Take risks. Nothing is more important in dating than going outside of your comfort zone and taking a few risks. Talk to the cute woman in line for coffee, or the guy drinking his beer alone at the bar. There's no harm in approaching, and it boosts your overall confidence in the long run, even if you're met with a few rejections. You never know when or how you may meet someone special.

Good luck and get out there!

We're entering holiday season, which means tons of parties, dinners, and other social gatherings - with tons of couples. When you're single, this can be an emotional time of year. You may wonder, why does everyone else seem to find the right person, but not me? Instead of throwing yourself a pity party because you don't have a date for holiday festivities, try another approach.

Because we just had Thanksgiving and Christmas is right around the corner, we should all take time to be thankful for what we do have in our lives, rather than being wistful about what we don't. No matter what you think is missing from your life, chances are, you have more blessings than a lot of people around you. It's good to take some time and remember all of the things that bring love and happiness to our lives. Plus, it helps put us in the right frame of mind for dating. I have a list to get you started:

Family. Does Mom call you on a regular basis, just to check in? Is your sister the first person you call when you need advice? Family is so important to our general sense of belonging, so enjoy them this holiday season. Even if Aunt Susie gets a little nosy or difficult when she has too much egg nog. They are your family, and that is cause for thanks.

Friends. Your friends are the ones who are there for you, through thick and thin and many bad dates as well as good ones. They cheer you on and comfort you when you're down. Friends provide a sense of community, support and companionship. They also are fun to go out with when you need a break from all the holiday stress. Isn't that worth celebrating?

Your previous relationships. Even if they didn't work out, every relationship has something valuable to teach us. Every one of your exes left you a changed person, and helped you grow - even if the relationship itself seemed like a mistake. So, be grateful even to those partners who hurt you: they only helped make you stronger.

Your livelihood. Maybe you followed your passion and now make a good living from it, or maybe you managed to keep your boring desk job amidst a recent round of layoffs. Regardless of where you might want to be in a year or five years, be thankful for where you are right now. You are gaining valuable experience, and you're better off than many people who are looking for work.

Your neighborhood. Do you live in a city where you can walk to restaurants, or to work? Is there a special café where you grab your coffee every morning? Or do you live in a small town where you see the leaves change each season? Perhaps you love tennis, hiking, or just being outdoors? Regardless of where you live, be grateful for what is immediately around you, and find the beauty in it.