Relationships

2012 is upon us, and so is an annual rush to join online dating sites in the new year.

It's known as the Holiday Effect - the 15 to 20 percent increase in online daters from December to February. Every year online dating sites experience a surge in membership over the holiday season, as singles who didn't have someone to kiss under the mistletoe or at midnight on New Year's Eve turn to the Internet for a fresh start in the new year.

There are a number of reasons that January has become such a busy month for online dating. New Years resolutions are on everyone's mind, focusing many people's attention on improving their current relationships or finding a partner if they're single. The idea of making a fresh start for the new year is also a strong motivator that draws traffic to online dating sites, as is the pressure from family and friends to settle down that singles often experience during the holidays.

"There is also the anticipated Valentines Day event which many single people dread more than any other day of the year," says Penny Russell, a spokesperson for a single parent dating site, "and this often spurs them into action and a determination to seek out a new partner before that day arrives."

Doree Lewak, author of The Panic Years: A Guide to Surviving Smug Married Friends, Bad Taffeta and Life on the Wrong Side of 25 Without a Ring, believes that the pressure to be attached during this time of year is especially strong on women. "Women still feel huge pressure around the holidays," she told USA Today, "and certainly exacerbated by New Year's - to have a date. I don't think that moment has passed."

Dating sites all across the Web experience the Holiday Effect from both men and women, from Match.com who say that their busiest season is December 26 to February 14, to PlentyOfFish.com who report a 15% spike in sign ups and a 20% increase in activity from current users during that period.

And it's not just the dating sites themselves that benefit from the Holiday Effect. As more and more members join the sites, the pool of potential dates increases dramatically, improving everyone's chance of finding love in the new year. Many dating sites respond to this trend by offering special rates around the holiday season, so if you're in the market for a membership take advantage of their holiday gift and start the new year off right.

If you are interested in finding a service to join this year, you should take a look at our list of reviewed dating sites or try our dating site search tool.

Have you found yourself thinking recently about "the one who got away?" If so, you might also be toying with the idea of getting back together. But is this a good idea?

Many people feel nostalgic for past relationships, especially when there's a lull in their love lives. They long for the sense of love and companionship that they once had, maybe because they're having a hard time finding it again. The movie "Young Adult" discusses this controversial topic in an interesting way, with a woman in her thirties determined to get back her high school boyfriend, even though he's happily married and expecting a child.

I'm hesitant to tell anyone that it's a good idea to get back together with an ex. Usually, there's a reason you broke up (regardless of who initiated things) - and there were problems that one or both of you felt you couldn't overcome together. Sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but when it comes to exes, it's murkier territory. You might still have feelings, but are they based in the present, or in what you want to feel again based on the past - or even what's currently lacking in your own life?

Instead of dwelling on what might have been, a healthier approach is to focus on what you want. If you desire companionship or passion, envision it with someone new. Picture the relationship you want to have.

Perhaps you were the one to break things off, and now you're regretting your decision. Maybe you've seen him with his new girlfriend and you're feeling jealous. Whatever the case, there is a reason you broke up. Something in your relationship wasn't working. Perhaps the timing was off, or you weren't ready for a commitment. This means that the relationship wasn't meant to last, so don't beat yourself up for making a mistake, or try to insert yourself back into your ex's life just because it suits your needs right now.

If he broke up with you, don't second-guess his motivations or what he might want. If he calls from time to time feeling nostalgic for you and wanting to talk, don't indulge this pattern. Think about your future and creating intimacy with someone new. If you still have feelings for him, don't try to be friends. Give yourself time and space to heal.

Most importantly, remind yourself that it's okay to move on and meet the person who is right for you. And this time, you'll be ready.

You've been dating a charming and attractive guy for several weeks. When you're together, everything is great and you have a lot of fun. But when you're apart, you wonder if he feels the same way you do - and you're ready for some kind of commitment. Maybe you're even afraid to discuss where the relationship is going, because you don't know what he thinks or what he wants.

Even though you don't want to let go of a good thing, it's good to give yourself a little reality check to make sure you're both on the same page and not wasting each other's time. Following are some ways to tell whether he's really into you and thinks of you as his girlfriend, or if you're in the "friends with benefits" or casual dating zone:

He doesn't ask you out on weekends. If you only seem to go out on Tuesday or Wednesday nights, or he calls at the last minute and expects you to drop everything to meet him, he doesn't think of you as girlfriend material.

He doesn't introduce you to family or friends. If he's keeping you separated from his day-to-day existence (interaction with good friends and family), he's likely not interested in a relationship. Men are usually eager to introduce a new girlfriend around. If he does take you along to meet his friends - but introduces you by your first name without attempting to explain your relationship - likely he only views you as a friend or casual acquaintance.

He doesn't show you his place. Is he making excuses why he won't invite you over to see where he lives? Chances are he's not all that interested in bringing you into his world.

You get late night booty calls. If you find he calls you late at night to get together more often than not, chances are he doesn't see you as a girlfriend, but a convenience. Don't be so available.

It's hard to schedule time together. If he seems to always be busy, or if you have to make plans several days in advance to meet for something as simple as dinner or drinks, something is amiss. When men are interested, they cancel their other plans and go out of their way to see the object of their affection. If he gets flustered about changing his schedule or is hard to pin down, likely he's not viewing you as girlfriend material but as a back-up plan.

You feel uncomfortable talking about your relationship. If you're afraid to ask him what he wants or how he feels, it's not a good sign. If you've been dating several weeks or even months and he squirms whenever you bring up the subject, that's a red flag - likely he only sees you as a temporary fling.

No surprises. If you were to show up at his work with a picnic basket to surprise him with lunch, would he be upset? If he seems to blow hot and cold - happy when you're together on his terms but cold when you call and interrupt what he's doing - this is also a red flag. He doesn't see you as a girlfriend, so take heart and move on.

If singlehood had a Facebook profile, its relationship status would be "it's complicated."

It's the ultimate love-hate relationship. Some people savor the single life, some people can't stand it. And regardless of which side of the singlehood debate you fall on, you've probably had at least a few experiences that made you seriously consider switching teams.

If you're the confirmed bachelor/bachelorette type, congratulations. Finding your perfect match is as easy as looking in the mirror. But if you fall into the unattached-and-unhappy-about-it category, life can seem a little more bleak. You're more than ready to find love, so why isn't love ready to find you?

You've had some bad relationships. You've dated some disappointing people. And there are ways to improve both of those things. But what you should really be focused on improving is yourself, because you're the common denominator in every dead-end relationship you've ever had. So what might you be doing wrong?

• You're shallow. How long is your list of dealbreakers? How many of them actually matter? You don't need someone who's over 6 ft tall, or red-headed, or rich, or a lover of country music, or a 49ers fan. You need someone who makes you feel good. Focus on the things that create real compatibility, not superficial characteristics that aren't likely to stand the test of time.

• You're too negative. Don't let your personal history get the better of you. It doesn't matter how bad your family life was or how many awful relationships you've been in. Your past belongs in the past. Approach new relationships with an open mind and an open heart and, above all, approach them with a positive attitude.

• You're not honest about what you're looking for. If what you want is a relationship - serious, committed, and long-term - then be upfront about it right from the beginning. Don't hide your interest in a serious relationship because you think it will scare dates away. You will only end up wasting precious time dating people who don't share your relationship goals.

• You're worried you're not good enough. Do you think the reason you haven't settled down yet is that you're just not good enough to be someone's partner? Well I have news for you: you've got it all wrong. Finding love starts with loving yourself. The most perfect person you could ever be is the person you already are. Discover what makes you amazing.

That's the bad news. But there's good news too: it's all fixable. You are the single thing on this planet that you have the unlimited capacity to change. Use it wisely, focus on transforming yourself into a positive, confident, goal-oriented dater, and the single life might be over faster than you think.

Everyone has something they’re self-conscious about: their weight, some aspect of their appearance, their education, to name a few. For many, the fact they’d most like to fudge on their online dating profile is their age. But should they?

It’s a dicey issue. For some, one year might make the difference between showing up in a slew of profile searches - or not. We tend to think of “magic numbers” and base our profile searches accordingly: under 35, for instance, or under 50. In reality, there’s not much difference between a 34-year-old and a 36-year-old, but most choose nice “round” or “easy” numbers instead of thinking realistically about their own preferences. Thus, it’s not uncommon for a 36-year-old to have temporary amnesia or typo-ridden fingers when filling out their profile.

Does such a white lie hurt anyone? Probably not. But there are reasons to tell the truth, too. For one thing, there’s still a dishonesty stigma attached to online dating - everyone’s heard the story where the date didn’t match their picture or their stats at all, and your potential match might be on the lookout for the merest hint of an untruth. Why get a date off on the wrong foot because you’ve been caught in a white lie?

Secondly, when you’re fudging your age by five or more years, you run the risk of a generational gap. It’s hard to reminisce about those heady teen years listening to a certain band when your date was only seven years old. Five years might not seem like much, but it can make a difference in slang, pop-culture references, even interests. Now, that’s not to say a five-year-plus difference in age is insurmountable - it’s not, when both parties are aware of it! Otherwise it can make for some strange conversations - try explaining why you were only twelve when you had your daughter!

So, you don’t want to lie about your age, but you do still want to have a broad dating pool to choose from: what can you do? Well, one option is to email someone even though you fall outside their preferred age range. You might have more rejections than usual, but on the other hand, they might take a look at your profile and find you have a lot in common. It’s a gamble - but it’s not dishonest.

Ultimately, there’s no right answer when it comes to handling the age issue. If you lie about your age, you’ll have to come clean eventually and face the consequences; if you don’t, you might run the risk of being dismissed prematurely. Use your best discretion - and that also applies if you find yourself on the other end of the issue and your date is the one who fudged the facts! No one likes to discuss the very thing they’re self-conscious about; regardless of age, you and your date are adults, and should address the situation as such. Hopefully you’ll handle the issue gracefully, and move on to the important business of getting to know one another!

Do you have to be creative to appreciate online dating? That’s something I’ve been mulling over. It’s not uncommon to hear people saying that online dating takes all the “fun” out of the dating scene. “There’s no butterflies, no instant spark,” I’ve heard. “Because you’re doing this through a computer, it’s dehumanizing.” I’ve even heard it implied that people who find love through online dating sites must be some sort of robots!

Dehumanizing? Robots? Besides being downright insulting, it doesn’t even make sense: if anything, one must have more empathy, be able to draw more interest and emotion from the printed word. Still, such perceptions persist, so we might as well consider some common misconceptions about online dating, so we can debunk them with ease (instead of slack-jawed sputtering, and I may or may not be speaking from experience).

While there is a lack of pheromones and perhaps very little love-at-first-read-through, it’s quite a stretch to say that online dating isn’t much different than filing a tax form. Sure, the old adage “there are plenty of fish in the sea” is never more obvious than on an online dating site, where there are literally hundreds of profiles to turn to - but that doesn’t mean rejection doesn’t sting. No one likes to be rejected, and it’s hard to dust yourself off and get back on the horse, even when there are dozens of likable horses to choose from.

Sure, the sheer numbers involved may be overwhelming, but there’s a human being who wrote every profile. Why diminish their importance or impact? Thus, maintaining an earnest and honest interest in online dating, seeing people as individuals despite the fact that they’re the 50th profile you’ve seen - well, that takes a considerable amount of compassion. It’s incredibly human.

It’s true that you’re meeting a personality before testing the waters of chemistry. However, only a percentage of relationships begin with “love at first sight” or “an instant spark.” The rest begin as acquaintances, friendships, relationships that grow over time. And it’s honestly not a bad thing to be pretty sure you’re dealing with a genuinely good person before your brain is clouded with the chemicals of attraction. Is it animal instinct? Maybe not - but it’s certainly using our human logic.

So as you step into the world of online dating, it’s always possible that you’ll encounter those who say unfounded or even inflammatory things. Some of it may be simple ignorance, and a little education will go a long way. And if they persist in trying to wind you up, remember: focus on the positive relationships you’re looking to acquire in the future, instead of being mired in someone else’s negativity.