Relationships

Recently, a friend of mine, “Jenny,” asked me a question about online dating: “If the online world is parallel to the regular world, why bother with an online dating site? Can’t you just meet someone somewhere else, like an online forum or chat?”

Well, the short answer is yes, you can meet anyone just about anywhere on the Internet, just as you can meet someone walking down the street to the drugstore. However, there are distinct advantages to using an online dating site from the very beginning. First and foremost, it’s a numbers issue.

Simply put, there are going to be more single, available and receptive people “congregating” at an online dating site than anywhere else, making it a one-stop-shopping experience of sorts. If you wanted to find someone in person, you could potentially find them at the grocery store - but you might also see families or elderly couples. Conversely, go to a bar and a club, and you might see more available people. Online dating sites are like a bar - one that’s always full, with no set hours, no loud music or smoke, and can be customized for any age bracket or range of interests.

Next, there’s the issue of intent. If you contact someone on an online dating site who is specifically looking for the possibility of a long-term relationship, chances are you might be looking to settle down, too. Someone who clearly states they’re only looking for flings will hopefully only pursue dates with those who are looking for the same. On online dating sites, intent is very clearly stated - and it’s implied that if you’re on a dating site at all, you’re looking for romance of some kind.

Conversely, on a regular social networking site or forum you have people there for a wide range of reasons. Some are looking for close friendship, but of the platonic kind. It’s much easier to get wires crossed and intentions confused. And since many don’t join those sorts of networks looking for romance, when emotions are stirred up they can knock everyone for a loop. Situations can become even more messy and awkward than usual.

That’s not to say perfectly healthy, lovely relationships can’t form just about anywhere - and you really shouldn’t blind yourself to the possibility of love, whether you’re on a dating site or at the post office. Still, if you’re looking to maximize your chances of finding someone compatible in the shortest amount of time, an online dating site is customized for that exact purpose. Why not take advantage of every available tool?

Few things are more exciting than when you finally find someone with whom you have much in common. Finally, you can have deep, meaningful conversations about your interests! You can make jokes that the other person will actually understand! There’s just so much to talk about!

...Except, there isn’t always that much to talk about. Maybe you just talked yesterday, and nothing interesting has happened since then. Maybe you’re talking through instant message and you’re both preoccupied with something else. Maybe it’s just difficult to come up with a new topic. Regardless, there’s bound to be a moment (or several) where you sit in silence.

For some, this can be panicking. It’s easy to make the leap from “nothing interesting to say right now” to “they must not be interested in me at all.” However, that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily jumping to the correct conclusion. With a little bit of advanced planning, perhaps you can keep your nerves at bay.

If you’re just talking to someone new, or you’re particularly worried about awkward silences, try sticking with emails for awhile. You can edit and streamline your message, and each of you can respond in your own time. Once you’ve moved up to IM’ing, remember that it is a different mode of communication. It’s natural to feel awkward. Similar to being on a first date, it’s okay to make a joke about the awkward nature of the shift - perhaps it will break the ice.

Next, remember that if you’re dealing with instant messaging, chances are you’re both multitasking. The common etiquette for instant messaging has become quite different than talking on the phone, for instance - you’re not generally required to give your full attention, or even officially end the conversation when you’re done. Is it rude? Perhaps. But ‘disappearing’ from a messenger might have more to do with that person’s internet habits in general, and less with whether they’re interested in you.

So what to do? Consider it a bit like emailing - say something when you have something interesting or funny to share, and consider it a peaceful silence when you’re not. Instead of thinking of it as a date where you’re sitting across from one another, staring at each other, imagine you’re both in a room at your respective computers, working until you take a break to say something.

Is it possible the person you’re chatting with isn’t interested? Sure, but you can’t make those big calls based on their IM habits. If they’re not interested, they’ll make it clear eventually. In the meantime, save yourself some stress, and try not to over-analyze every moment of silence.

We all have a social media presence, so it's hard not to share the inner workings of our everyday lives. But when is it too much?

When you're dating, you're easily found on Facebook, Twitter, or any number of sites you may have a virtual presence. So it's good to pay attention to what you put out there, not only for your professional life but also for your personal. Would somebody looking to date you get the wrong impression of who you are? Unless you want to explain yourself, it's best to keep the tirades and TMI status updates to yourself, or at least protect your tweets.

Following are some tips to keep your personal life from getting too personal on Twitter:

Don't overshare. It's easy to become addicted and give your followers a play-by-play of your every move during the day, but is it necessary? Oversharing can kill any sense of romance, and make your dates wonder if you spend time doing anything else.

Don't tweet your anger. Maybe one of the people you follow tweeted something that made you angry, so you get in a Twitter-fight with him, barbs going back and forth. Before your date mistakes you for Charlie Sheen or someone else with an anger issue who can't let something go, don't let your tweets get out of control even if you think you're being funny. Keep your comments in line.

Don't post your relationship status updates. Sure, you might be going on five dates over the next three days, but your dates probably don't want to hear about it. Keep the plans of your dates and when you have them out of the social media world. Also, don't keep switching back and forth from "It's complicated" to "in a relationship" on Facebook. Talk about it and decide what you'll post together, or don't post your status at all.

Don't tweet while on a date. This is such a party foul. I had a friend who did this, calling her date boring and heavier than his picture. When she got up to use the bathroom, he told her that he checked his Twitter account and saw what she posted. She was embarrassed, and so was he. Game over.

Don't rant about your dates. This might be obvious, but worth mentioning. If you have a series of bad dates and you tweet, blog, or Facebook details about them, you're only setting yourself up for future problems. Everyone has bad dates, but if you turn your accounts into a bad date confessional, you could be a turn-off to potentially great dates. After all, they won't want you writing about them.

For more information on how to use these social networks for dating, you can read our Facebook.com review and our Twitter.com review

Dates can be nerve-wracking. You don't know what to expect or if there will be chemistry, and you spend a lot of time wondering what your date thinks of you. There's so much anticipation and build-up that comes with dating that when little things go wrong, it can make you even more nervous and upset.

Have you ever been on a date where he or she showed up an hour late, or more? Did she call to let you know he was stuck in traffic, or did she just keep you waiting? Did you feel a sense of indignation? Did he apologize and explain, or did he just assume nothing was wrong and started conversation as though nothing had happened?

I've been on a few dates where I was kept waiting without a phone call, and it didn't feel good. In fact, I felt like I was last on my date's priority list, which doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship. How someone treats you on the first few dates can be a good indicator of how he'll treat you as time goes on. It doesn't get better, but it can get worse.

While I'm all for giving people a real chance on every date, if someone is being disrespectful that's not a good sign of things to come - and you should run in the other direction. Keeping someone waiting for an hour without calling (with no apologies or explanations) is disrespectful.

Some other warning signs that he's being disrespectful:

If he criticizes - a lot. If your date takes every opportunity to be critical or say nasty things about other people, chances are he will eventually say them about you. Do you want to be subjected to this kind of behavior?

If he treats the waitstaff poorly. If he refuses to leave a decent tip, or talks down to the people serving you when you're on a date, proceed with caution. A good man or woman treats everyone as a human being.

If he talks about his terrible exes or bad dates. Maybe he makes you laugh with his stories about bad dates or all of his crazy exes, but be warned: you may be next on his list. Steer clear of men (or women) who do nothing but complain about previous partners. For one, you don't need to hear about it (especially on a first date), and you don't want to date someone who only finds fault with other people, never himself.

If he doesn't listen. While some men get nervous and tend to talk a lot on dates, there's a difference between them and someone who actively doesn't listen. If he's too busy talking about himself or looking around at the other women walking by to pay attention to your questions or anything else you're saying, this is a red flag. Move on.

Have you Googled your ex in the past few weeks, or peeked at his Facebook page to see what's going on in his life? If so, you're not alone. But it's difficult to move on to a great new relationship when you're still holding on to the past.

So what can you do to change things? It's easy to think that you've moved past your attraction. It's also easy to think you've moved on from hurt feelings and anger, but have you really? It's not so easy for most of us. And if you spend too much time thinking about your ex - either positively or negatively - you're preventing yourself from finding love again.

A study was conducted recently by YourTango where they asked over 1,000 readers about their exes - the good, bad and even worse behavior - and found the majority of them still can't get over their exes. 74% of women and 64% of men say they think about their ex too much, and even more have looked them up online (59% say they keep them as friends on Facebook).

It gets worse. Eighty-six percent admitted to looking at old photos of their exes. One third of respondents have had sex with their exes. There's not much assurance that you've really let go when you're willing to get physical again.

So what does this mean? It's time to take a hard look at your love life and where you want to go in the future. If you're stuck in the past, how much chemistry are you going to feel for anyone who isn't your ex? Or if you're holding a grudge, how can you open your heart enough to let in someone new? Is this the love life that you truly desire - to be stuck?

I think the first step in letting go of any past relationship is forgiveness. First, forgiving yourself and then your ex. When you forgive yourself for any behavior you see as naïve or foolish, you're on your way to real, lasting love. We all learn by getting our hearts broken. If you didn't see things as clearly as you should have, recognize that you are moving forward.

If your ex hurt you, realize that your anger towards him/her will continue to hurt you if you keep holding on to it. Letting go of that anger and bitterness is the greatest, most self-indulgent thing you can do, because you're allowing yourself to break those ties to your ex and open yourself to future long-term happiness. It's not a favor to your ex, but to yourself. Forgive.

If you're fantasizing about your ex because you're now single and lonely, put that in perspective. Was he really that great? What led you to break up in the first place? Was there a point when things didn't seem so great to you, but you stayed with him/her anyway because you were afraid of being alone? Understanding your true feelings can help you move on.

In some ways, starting a relationship through online dating can seem more difficult than dating someone you’ve met through your everyday routine. You’re meeting someone completely removed from your day-to-day life, and as such, you need to combine two completely separate lives into something that works for the both of you. Sound intimidating? Well, maybe, but actually it’s perfectly doable with a little compromise. Most of our daily habits are based on our location; thus, if you move in with someone, it’s a simple matter to switch which gym you belong to, for instance. No, what can be far more complicated is dating someone you see on a regular basis - that is, a co-worker.

Work seems to be a prime place to fall in love. Your co-workers might be your peers. You see each other at your worst - and your best. You can develop a sense of how your co-worker behaves under pressure. And if you’re working together in a high-pressure situation, it’s not uncommon for feelings to intensify. Finally, since you’re not expected to use work as a love connection, you might not be feeling as self-conscious as you would if you were out at a bar.

However, dating a co-worker can often be more trouble than it’s worth. First, there’s the ethics of the situation to consider - are co-workers allowed to date? Are you the boss of your date, or vice versa? If you can get past that, there’s a team dynamic to consider: are other co-workers going to think there’s favoritism at work? Will your job become uncomfortable for either of you?

That’s assuming, of course, that everything works out. What if it doesn’t? What will the work environment be like then? Will you still be working closely with your now-ex? In essence, the best time to date a co-worker, whether it’s successful or not, is when one or both of you actually has no interest in staying in your job as a career. Two teenagers working in a fast food restaurant have few ethical worries or long-term ramifications. Two employees at a law firm, however, might want to give dating a co-worker heavy contemplation.

So the next time you feel glum because you “just don’t seem to have any way to meet people” in your everyday life, cheer up! Finding someone outside your daily box may prove to be far less of a headache in the long run anyway.