Relationships

Recently, there’s been speculation that other online outlets are a better way to find a match than online dating sites. Video games, social networks, and old-fashioned forums are again receiving attention. People have always used those venues to find love, but now some are beginning to wonder if it’s even more efficient than a dating site. In my opinion, no, ultimately an online dating site is probably the most efficient; however, by learning why other venues work, we can make dating sites work for us even more.

Perhaps the most obvious lesson we can learn is that customizing a search to your interests is the fastest way to find likely matches. In a forum for your favorite band or in a video game, chances are you’re already playing with someone with at least one common interest. However, not everyone looking for love is interested in video games, for example - so even if you’ve heard a video game has millions of players, if you hate video games there’s no point in joining a dating pool with millions of less-than-compatible people. In an online dating site, it doesn’t matter what your interests are; you can narrow the field in one simple search. Your match doesn’t have to share every single interest, but it’s a great place to start looking.

Secondly, think about how people communicate in video games and forums. They typically get to know one another through some context unrelated to love; perhaps working together to solve a puzzle or sharing jokes about a TV show. In other words, they see more than one side of their match’s personality, and find out they’re compatible. Likewise, on an online dating site remember that you’re looking for the best match for you, not trying to win a prize for most attractive date. Ask questions about all of their interests, even the ones you don’t share - really get to know them.

And, of course, don’t forget to be honest about your own personality. On social networking sites, your match can see how you interact with others as well as the “good first impression” you present to them. When we contact someone we know we’re interested in, it’s easy to become stiff or overly formal. “Loosen up” and “Be yourself” are probably cliches, but they’ve become cliches for a reason. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you want to find someone who likes you for who you are.

You don’t need to join niche forums, random video games, or every social networking site under the sun just for the possibility of finding love; chances are, if you’re not interested in those niches to begin with, you’re just wasting your time. But think about how and why people find love in those unexpected places and apply them to your own dating practices. In addition, remember that finding love in an unconventional venue also requires a combination of being open to finding love anywhere, and having the nerve to pursue someone when you know there’s a connection. When you’re looking for love, those are certainly valuable traits to have, regardless of the venue.

There's one thing everyone wants to know when they hear you're a dating expert: How do I survive a first date?

It gets tiring hearing the same things over and over again - don't dress like a slob, be on time, have confidence, put your sense of humor on display - so this time, let's skip the "hearing" part and go straight to the visual aids. WeLoveDates.com asked readers to participate in a survey about what it takes to make a great first date, and they compiled the results in this colorful infographic.

Lesson #1: Take your time. WeLoveDates found that only 27% of women and 22% of men "absolutely" believe in love at first sight. The vast majority of both sexes only think it "Maybe" exists or believe it "Only happens in the movies."

Lesson #2: Make sure it feels right. When asked if they feel comfortable kissing on the first date, 58% of women and 44% of men said "Only if it feels right." 50% of men and 29% of women are unequivocally in favor of the first date kiss, while 14% of women and 6% of men are opposed to it under all circumstances.

Lesson #3: Pay up, if you're a man. Not all traditions are dead. Both men and women think that men should pay for a date, but women also felt strongly that they should at least offer to go Dutch. 67% said they believe women should offer to pay, and 33% of guys agreed. Splitting the check evenly was appealing to only 7% of women and 6% of men, and "The guy should always pay" found fans in 26% of women and 50% of men. No one suggested that women should cover the entire cost of the date...step up, ladies, this is 2012!

Lesson #4: Be polite and attentive. The list of first date don'ts includes: being rude to severs, professing love too quickly, getting wasted, flirting with others, and having terrible table manners.

Lesson #5: Talk about sex, maybe. For women, sex on the first date...

• Happens all the time: 2%
• Happens once in a while: 31%
• Doesn't happen ever: 41%
• Is something I'm not opposed to: 21%

For men, sex on the first date...

• Happens all the time: 6%
• Happens once in a while: 53%
• Doesn't happen ever: 12%
• Is something I'm not opposed to: 24%

If you really want to get frisky, look for Android users. 72% visit online dating sites and 62% are up for slipping between the sheets on a first date.

We’ve all experienced it before, whether we’re out at a bar or reading our emails on an online dating site: “I just don’t seem to be attracting the type of people I’m interested in.” To a certain extent, you can’t control who you’re attracted to or who finds you attractive. However, if you’ve fallen into an obvious pattern, perhaps it might be worth examining the messages you’re sending out into the dating pool. You can’t control attraction, but you can control how you present yourself. Here are a few common issues:

Mike is looking for a serious, committed relationship. The people he’s interested in seem interested only in hooking up, even though he clearly checked the box on his profile that says he’s only interested in something long-term. Then he takes a second look at his profile. Though his self-summary is innocent enough, his pictures are mostly of the shirtless variety, and he makes a few double entendres as well. His conclusion: though he’ll probably get a certain amount of hookup spam no matter what he does, his pictures might be speaking louder than his words. He’ll save the entendres for emails when he starts getting comfortable with his match.

Kate likes guys who are the athletic type, but her emails come mostly from guys who do the heavy lifting with their brains. And when she emails the athletic boys on her own, they don’t seem interested. Looking at her profile reveals why: she doesn’t mention that she runs every morning or that she fills out a bracket for March Madness every year. She does emphasize her intellectual pursuits, though. If Kate wants someone who loves to run through an open field, she’s not going to snag them with the promise of a library date. Her profile can reflect her well-rounded interests, but it doesn’t hurt to emphasize what you hope to find in common with your match.

Pete is looking to settle down, but all the women he attracts are what he’d call “party girls.” Once again, his actions speak louder than words: his pictures are all artifacts from a wilder time, and he tends to slip into “life of the party” mode more out of habit than preference. He’s always had success attracting certain types of people, and he’s not really sure how to attract anyone else. He wants to change, but he hasn’t yet learned how to, or who this non-partying Pete really is. His new goal: spend some time alone, figuring out what he really enjoys, so he can learn who he’s really looking for.

If you’re unhappy with the sort of people who seem to be attracted to you, there’s no need to sit passive and go on dates you don’t want. Sometimes it’s as simple as emailing the people in whom you’re interested; sometimes you need to evaluate the image you’re projecting on your profile. You can’t control chemistry, but you can give it a nudge in the direction you’d like.

So, you’ve worked hard on your online dating profile. It’s been edited to within an inch of its life, and you’ve decided it’s not going to get better. Hooray! That’s one step out of the way. There’s just one problem: after a few months, it doesn’t really feel like... you, anymore. How do you know it’s time for a fresh start?

First, evaluate why you want to change up your profile. Are you unsatisfied with the number of responses you’ve been getting? If so, there’s nothing wrong with determining if your profile is sending an unintended message, but you might also want to consider other factors: your first-contact emails, or perhaps the dating pool on the site you’re using.

What if it just feels stale to you? If you feel overwhelmed at starting from scratch, see if there’s any way you can freshen things up without starting over. Perhaps you have new favorites in the TV or movie categories, or you’d like to address the time of year or current events. Just remember: if you go super-current, you’re going to have to replace that information before it becomes obviously outdated. Remember to check the expiration date on your pictures, too - a picture that barely qualified as not-terribly-old last year might not make the cut now.

Perhaps it’s you that’s changed since you first created your profile. You might be at a different point in your career, or at a different place in your life philosophy. Make sure the “voice” of your profile still lines up with you. Just because the interests and facts are the same doesn’t mean you’d tell your story the same way today.

Maybe you simply want to start over from scratch, whether it’s because you have bad associations with the old one or you’re just plain bored. There’s nothing wrong with that! Just remember: save a copy of your old profile! What seems like a good idea at 2am might seem like a terrible one by the light of day, and it doesn’t hurt to have an already-edited alternative while you’re polishing your new thoughts.

However you choose to tackle your profile, keep one thing in mind: proofread before you post! Nothing detracts from your message more than an obvious typo. And though no one likes the idea of “homework,” it’s worth putting in a little extra work to make the first impression you want.

It’s a sad fact of life that not all relationships end well or easily. Everyone has their battle scars, and in general the advice is to wait until those scars have healed before you wade back out into the field. But what if those scars go beyond the norm? What if you’re embroiled in a custody battle that lasts years? What if you were stalked? In creating an online profile, how do you cover these points without either appearing melodramatic or being dishonest?

Well, the first step is to remember the function of an online profile. You’re not filling out a resume for the approval of a potential match; you’re just creating a first impression of who you are, a ‘hello.’ You don’t need to outright lie, but there’s no need to bare your soul to what amounts to a random person on the street. Mentioning your relationship status, like that you’re divorced or have children? Relevant. Describing your specific issues? Less relevant.

Next, remember that a profile is a snapshot of who you are. You’re not defined by the bad things that have happened to you, whether it’s a failed relationship or something worse. Unless it’s something that literally affects your day-to-day life, there’s no reason to have to carry the effects from your last relationship into your new one. Your online profile is like a billboard to who you are, and you shouldn’t feel like you “have” to include anything you don’t want to.

Now, let’s say you’ve worked out how you want to address your past (or current) problems, and you’re emotionally ready to tackle this dating thing once more. Fabulous! However, be especially careful in proofreading your profile. It’s after a bad relationship that we’re most likely to have hidden undertones of anger or bitterness in our language. You might be emotionally ready, but you might have some lingering bad habits in the way you refer to yourself or others. Remember to keep things positive; instead of talking about what you don’t want, talk about what you do.

At some point, if your life is still being affected by your past relationship, you’ll need to talk about it. The best way to do this is in a matter-of-fact manner in an email. Let’s say you were assaulted and you’d really like your first date to be somewhere public; explain it as simply as possible. The details are no one’s business but your own. There’s a chance your potential match might back off at the hint of “baggage,” but they might also be impressed by how you’ve handled it. And on some level, most have “baggage” of their own.

Only you can know when you’re ready to start dating again. But when you are ready, there’s no reason to let your emotional battle scars hold you back. Be open and honest - but don’t let your past define you. Even if you’re still dealing with the fallout from a bad experience, that’s no reason to hold back your heart.

Sometimes when we want a relationship to work out, we make excuses for our date's bad behavior. Have you been with someone who didn't respect your time and effort - who showed up late, who cancelled at the last minute, or who reminded you constantly about how busy he was so that you wouldn't have any clear expectations or know what he wanted? If so, you might have found yourself justifying his behavior to friends and family, maybe even to yourself, because you wanted things to work out.

When someone isn't treating you with respect, it's not a sign of a good relationship. Maybe he's late or making excuses as to why he can't see you because he's married or has another relationship on the side. Or maybe he's wrapped up in business and doesn't want to commit to anything too serious or that would take away time needed for work.

Whatever the case, if someone is making excuses why they aren't there for you, proceed with caution. I think it's easy to overlook your own intuition when it comes to relationships because you're in the throws of attraction and you really want it to work out. Maybe he'll come around and start paying more attention, but likely he won't. So it's time to be honest with yourself.

Instead of excusing his poor behavior because you're scared you'll lose him, have that difficult conversation. State your expectations and see how he responds. If he runs for the hills, you have your answer. Is he worth keeping if your relationship is only on his terms? If he's willing to sit down and discuss options of how to meet your needs, too - then carry on.

But what if you're the one making excuses to your dates? Work is busy, you are traveling out of town a lot, or a million other reasons prevent you from making concrete plans or going out more than once every week or so. To be honest, you just don't want a serious relationship. You'd rather keep things loose. Or you're just not that into the dates that you've met so far. But instead of politely turning them down and moving on, you keep them at a distance, or you refrain from contacting them unless you want to get together.

If this is you, it's also time to be honest about what you want from a relationship - and with your dates. If you're just looking for some company or friendship as opposed to a commitment, then instead of leading your dates on, you should let them know exactly what you want. Not everyone is looking for a serious relationship or something long-term, but if they aren't they deserve to know your intentions. And if you're really not interested? Let them know. They will appreciate that they don't have to wonder where you stand.

Bottom line? No more excuses. Know what you want and be honest with your dates.