Dealing with the Past When it's in the Present
- Saturday, April 21 2012 @ 09:40 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,282
It’s a sad fact of life that not all relationships end well or easily. Everyone has their battle scars, and in general the advice is to wait until those scars have healed before you wade back out into the field. But what if those scars go beyond the norm? What if you’re embroiled in a custody battle that lasts years? What if you were stalked? In creating an online profile, how do you cover these points without either appearing melodramatic or being dishonest?
Well, the first step is to remember the function of an online profile. You’re not filling out a resume for the approval of a potential match; you’re just creating a first impression of who you are, a ‘hello.’ You don’t need to outright lie, but there’s no need to bare your soul to what amounts to a random person on the street. Mentioning your relationship status, like that you’re divorced or have children? Relevant. Describing your specific issues? Less relevant.
Next, remember that a profile is a snapshot of who you are. You’re not defined by the bad things that have happened to you, whether it’s a failed relationship or something worse. Unless it’s something that literally affects your day-to-day life, there’s no reason to have to carry the effects from your last relationship into your new one. Your online profile is like a billboard to who you are, and you shouldn’t feel like you “have” to include anything you don’t want to.
Now, let’s say you’ve worked out how you want to address your past (or current) problems, and you’re emotionally ready to tackle this dating thing once more. Fabulous! However, be especially careful in proofreading your profile. It’s after a bad relationship that we’re most likely to have hidden undertones of anger or bitterness in our language. You might be emotionally ready, but you might have some lingering bad habits in the way you refer to yourself or others. Remember to keep things positive; instead of talking about what you don’t want, talk about what you do.
At some point, if your life is still being affected by your past relationship, you’ll need to talk about it. The best way to do this is in a matter-of-fact manner in an email. Let’s say you were assaulted and you’d really like your first date to be somewhere public; explain it as simply as possible. The details are no one’s business but your own. There’s a chance your potential match might back off at the hint of “baggage,” but they might also be impressed by how you’ve handled it. And on some level, most have “baggage” of their own.
Only you can know when you’re ready to start dating again. But when you are ready, there’s no reason to let your emotional battle scars hold you back. Be open and honest - but don’t let your past define you. Even if you’re still dealing with the fallout from a bad experience, that’s no reason to hold back your heart.
Well, the first step is to remember the function of an online profile. You’re not filling out a resume for the approval of a potential match; you’re just creating a first impression of who you are, a ‘hello.’ You don’t need to outright lie, but there’s no need to bare your soul to what amounts to a random person on the street. Mentioning your relationship status, like that you’re divorced or have children? Relevant. Describing your specific issues? Less relevant.
Next, remember that a profile is a snapshot of who you are. You’re not defined by the bad things that have happened to you, whether it’s a failed relationship or something worse. Unless it’s something that literally affects your day-to-day life, there’s no reason to have to carry the effects from your last relationship into your new one. Your online profile is like a billboard to who you are, and you shouldn’t feel like you “have” to include anything you don’t want to.
Now, let’s say you’ve worked out how you want to address your past (or current) problems, and you’re emotionally ready to tackle this dating thing once more. Fabulous! However, be especially careful in proofreading your profile. It’s after a bad relationship that we’re most likely to have hidden undertones of anger or bitterness in our language. You might be emotionally ready, but you might have some lingering bad habits in the way you refer to yourself or others. Remember to keep things positive; instead of talking about what you don’t want, talk about what you do.
At some point, if your life is still being affected by your past relationship, you’ll need to talk about it. The best way to do this is in a matter-of-fact manner in an email. Let’s say you were assaulted and you’d really like your first date to be somewhere public; explain it as simply as possible. The details are no one’s business but your own. There’s a chance your potential match might back off at the hint of “baggage,” but they might also be impressed by how you’ve handled it. And on some level, most have “baggage” of their own.
Only you can know when you’re ready to start dating again. But when you are ready, there’s no reason to let your emotional battle scars hold you back. Be open and honest - but don’t let your past define you. Even if you’re still dealing with the fallout from a bad experience, that’s no reason to hold back your heart.
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