Relationships

Let’s say you’ve been emailing with someone for awhile, and you’re finally ready to have a first date! It’s scheduled on a day when neither of you have work, so it could be at any time of the day, for any length of time. The sky’s the limit! So where do you draw the line? If a date is too short, you might feel like you haven’t had time to properly get to know one another or determine if you have chemistry; too long, though, and you might get tired, creating awkwardness where there doesn’t need to be any. What to do?

As always, remember that you’re not the only one making all the decisions; talk to your potential match and see if they have any ideas. Some people just have less energy than others, and for them, one or two hours is all they feel up for. Others would happily go on a date all day long. Your potential match might not have outright preferences, but their suggestions might be more revealing than they consciously realize.

For most couples, a good date lasts about three hours. However, remember to consider what you’re actually doing on the date. If you’re sitting around chatting at a coffee shop, you could probably cut it a little shorter, particularly if you’re just getting a “polite” vibe and not really connecting. An “activity” date - going to a fair, for example - can last longer, because you’re spending extra time taking in the rides and games in addition to getting to know each other.

Also remember to consider potential extra time when you’re scheduling the date. For example, if you’re looking at a date on a weeknight, and you both have work in the morning, you might want to spend extra time talking - but you’re simply too tired.

Perhaps the most important thing to worry about is that a date doesn’t drag on unnecessarily if there’s no connection. After all, if there is chemistry, it doesn’t matter how short or long the date is - you’ll be left wanting more. We only tend to notice the length of a date when we’re waiting for it to end! So remember, if it goes well, the length of time doesn’t matter too much - there will be time for more in the future.

Now here's something that I never expected to need an app for...though now that I see it, I can't help but be intrigued.

Sarah Gray was in a long distance relationship when she found herself wondering whether it was time to bid her boyfriend farewell. The relationship did end up crumbling, but Gray found something good in the aftermath: a new app idea. The app, called Should I Dump My Boyfriend?, helps users answer the same question that Gray faced by tracking your feelings over a two-week period.

Forget about talking your friends ears off with the trivial details of your relationships or turning to silly Cosmo quizzes to answer your burning relationship questions. This app, which creates a graph that quantifies what you should do and provides customized advice, is the way of the future.

Step one is to keep track of your feelings. Record your ups and downs in the app, which sends a daily reminder to make sure that you stay on top of the tracking process. You can rate your boyfriend as often as you like, since you never know when you might be surprised by something he does, and can leave notes describing your feelings during each rating session.

When the rating process is complete, the app provides objective advice based on the unique patterns it analyzes in your entries. The idea is to help you spot trends that you may have missed in day to day life, and create clarity about why you might be sabotaging a good relationship or sticking with a bad one.

And it's not just useful for one relationship. The app saves all your entries from past boyfriends, so you can review and reflect at any point in the future. Mad at your man and wondering why you haven't dumped him yet? Check the app for reminders about what makes him so wonderful. Feeling the post-breakup blues and second-guessing your choice to dump the chump? Read through your old notes and statistics to refresh your memory about why he was such a dud, then count your blessings.

"Being able to see your relationship clearly and objectively is the 1st step on the path to a happy, healthy love-life," says Gray, :whether it's with him, with someone else, or on your own for a while." We're often to irrational in the moment to assess our feelings correctly, making the app a valuable asset when it comes to choosing partners wisely. "Sometimes, we need an objective voice to help us appreciate a good thing or accept something painful," Grey adds. "And this app helps us tap into the best voice of all - the one inside ourselves."

Check out the app on iTunes.

It’s not unusual to run into the stereotype that all who use online dating sites are socially awkward. Sometimes it’s not even a stereotype - there are undoubtedly those who are initially more comfortable communicating through text than face-to-face. However, here’s something to consider (or perhaps bring up in the face of good-natured teasing): “You get a lot less awkward after a few dates!”

See, romance may not be a skill, but social interaction is. And dating, no matter the venue, is social. So perhaps someone turns to online dating because that’s where they feel more comfortable starting out; through emailing and dating, they’re learning the same lessons and gaining the same skills as anyone else (though perhaps more at their own speed).

In fact, consider: online dating might even help your interactions that originate in person. Once you’ve been on a few first dates, you start to learn what you’re really looking for - and that what looks good on paper doesn’t always translate to chemistry. As you’re learning to identify what doesn’t work for you, you’re also learning how to recognize what does - thus, when you do encounter someone with whom you have an instant connection, it’s all the more apparent, and appreciated. Perhaps it might even spur you into asking for a number or a date, even if that’s not ordinarily in your nature.

Remembering that dating includes skills that we can all improve can be particularly helpful after an awkward first date, or even an email that didn’t turn out the way we’d like. And if we remember that every situation can be one from which we can learn something, we’ll both improve our skills and save ourselves from burnout and frustration.

So before you get discouraged by an insensitive stereotype, remember: the dating world, regardless of venue, is full of people of all strengths and skill levels. We’re not here to build ourselves up at the expense of others. Instead, we’re here to learn more about ourselves, and find the best romantic match. Who doesn’t want to be a scholar of love?

Ever wished you could take a crash course on online dating? Well, now you can.

YourTango has created a 14-day program of expert advice, videos, photo galleries, and more, to guide you through the process of online dating from start to finish. The program answers pressing questions like "Is online dating really worthwhile?" and "Which online dating site is right for you?" The series also offers advice on safety, first date etiquette, dating over 40, and finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Day Two gets straight to the juicy info of the bootcamp with an interview with Joe Amoia, a dating coach based in New Jersey. The question of the day was "Is online dating really worthwhile?" Amoia believes the answer is yes, although it isn't always easy.

The number one complaint for online daters, he says, is discouragement. Both men and women can lose faith in online dating after trying it out and having bad experiences. As those negative experiences pile up, the unlucky-in-love daters become totally disillusioned with Internet dating and adopt a "been there, done that" attitude.

Amoia's advice for daters looking to have a more effective experience online is to be specific. Come to online dating with a clear idea of what you're looking for in a mate, a mindset that Amoia calls "starting with the end in mind." What's your purpose? What are you looking to get out of online dating? Is it a fun, casual fling? Is it someone to walk down the aisle with? When you know what you want, it's easier to identify if the people you're talking to online have real potential as partners.

The secret to finding dates with real compatibility is reading between the profile lines. "If you know what to look for," says Amoia, "the red flags are there and they're usually glaring." Having the same taste in movies or music is a plus, but superficial characteristics like those aren't going to contribute to the long-term success of a relationship. Amoia suggests reading profiles with this question in mind: Is this the kind of person I would like to get to know better?

Ask that question repeatedly during the process of getting to know a date. Ask it as you read their profile. Ask it as you exchange emails. Ask it as you talk on the phone. Ask it on your first date. The more times you can answer "yes" as you get to know each other, the better chance you have of being truly compatible.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Three

It’s not uncommon for the focus in online dating to be on the numbers. How else are we to judge success, if we’re not in a serious relationship? Well, we look at the numbers of dates we’ve had, or emails responded to. When we wonder if we’ve been “giving online dating our all,” we ask ourselves how many emails we’ve sent out in the last week or month. In general, there’s nothing wrong with using numbers to quantify your dating situation; after all, it’s simple math that the more potentially compatible people you interact with, the better your chances are of finding someone with whom you click romantically. That’s why most of us try online dating in the first place.

However, there is one exception to the “numbers game” mindset, one time when less isn’t always more, and it’s good to be aware of it. When you’re beginning to see someone, when a relationship feels like it might be growing, you must beware of what I like to call “Jackpot syndrome.” Jackpot syndrome is when people begin to get the same mindset they do in casinos; they’ve been rewarded amply already, but they keep feeding money into that slot machine, because the next spin could be the jackpot.

The problem is, with online dating, it’s not immediately obvious whether you’ve just met your personal “jackpot” or not. And since you’re unsure, you’re keeping one eye open and looking around for someone better, “just in case.” You keep sending out emails and striking up conversations with new people. Maybe you continue to go on dates.

It’s understandable why you’d want to do this - after all, what if your first relationship doesn’t pan out past the first date? What about the other people you’ve been emailing? Are you expected to just undo all that work you’ve done for something that isn’t a sure thing?

However, once you’ve gone on a few dates with one person, playing your numbers game to the max just means you’re spreading yourself a little too thin. So try this basic rule: continue communicating with as many people as you like, until you’ve been on two or three dates with one person. After that, take a moratorium from the casino games and give the relationship you’re working on an honest try.

If you don’t want to just disappear from your online dating site, send an email to others you may have been talking to and explain why. They might respect your honesty, and the fact that you clearly give your full attention to the relationship at hand; and later, if it doesn’t work out and you’re still both available, it might actually work in your favor.

It can be heady, all the possibilities out there on online dating sites. Still, remember why you began online dating in the first place. If it was simply to date as many people as possible, carry on with your numbers game. But if it was to find love, keep your eyes on the goal - and remember that the definition of “giving it your all” can evolve along with a relationship.

Michelle isn’t afraid of the dating world. She hasn’t found “the right one” yet, but she’s fairly confident she will. She enjoys meeting new people. But there’s one aspect of dating that makes her cringe: the first date.

It’s not the small talk, or anxiety. It’s that Michelle is most comfortable rock climbing, or making a campfire on the beach. She’s an outdoorsy, sporty, hair-in-a-ponytail kind of girl. Some of her friends have actually told her she’s more attractive when she’s not all dressed up - it just doesn’t look right.

However, most of her first dates seemed to fall along very generic lines: at night, in dressy clothes. Where makeup and nice hair are probably expected. They aren’t painfully awkward, but Michelle felt that they just didn’t “show her in her best light.” She might say she enjoys the outdoors, but so do lots of people who don’t actually mean it. She didn’t really start to loosen up, get comfortable, and really feel out the compatibility until the second date or later, when they started meeting in more unconventional places.

Then Michelle had an idea. Why not skip that awkward step? Why go through that generic first-date ritual? She began suggesting more unusual venues for her first dates: breakfast in a diner, for example, before heading out to play Frisbee.

“Breakfast dates have been amazing,” Michelle tells me. “Since it’s a weekend, if it doesn’t go well you can say you have plans with family later, but if it does, you can stretch it into an all-day date. And since it’s first thing in the morning, I’m not spending all day getting nervous about the date later.”

For Michelle, the best thing is that the dress code is considerably more relaxed. “No one expects full hair and makeup at ten in the morning,” Michelle says. “We can be ourselves without feeling sloppy or lazy. And I like to think I actually look better like that anyway.”

As you make plans to meet someone for the first time, consider stepping outside the dating box - or rather, stretching the box to fit you. Why go the generic route just because it’s expected, if it’s not really your style? Why not do something that better fits you and your potential match? And if you’re both on the same page about ditching the conventional, you might have more in common than you even realized.