Relationships

Perhaps you’ve met someone new, and things are progressing well. You’ve gone on a few dates. You seem to be heading toward the status of “in a relationship.” You’re happy and excited. You might not know to be guarded against someone who’s insidious and negative: yourself. Or rather, your fears and insecurities.

Time and again, I’ll hear questions like, “What does it mean when my significant other sounds grumpy on the phone? Things are fine when we meet in person.” Chances are, whatever the reason is, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe your significant other doesn’t like talking on the phone. Maybe they’re having a stressful day at work, or a co-worker they don’t like is lurking nearby and they feel self-conscious.

What’s more, the answers to such concerns are easily obtained. Your significant other will probably not be offended if you mention that they sounded tense earlier and wondered how their day went. Perhaps they’ll even fill you in about that pesky co-worker. Still, we tend to keep such questions inside, instead playing psychologist or mind-reader. Chances are, we get it wrong, or obsess over nothing; worse, we plant the seeds of poor communication.

Now, granted, there are better and worse ways to approach the situation. Mildly mentioning that your significant other sounded tense or preoccupied is one thing; accusing them of, say, hiding something from you is something else again. So is demanding that they “tell you what’s wrong.” Chances are, whatever small incident that’s nagging you was so insignificant to them that they honestly don’t remember it at all.

And that’s the main thing to remember: we tend to blow things up in our mind, and make them much more important than they actually are, especially when something’s going well and we’re afraid it will end. Humans get terse, or even grumpy from time to time. More importantly, do they appear happy with the relationship? Do they want to keep seeing you? And do even the grumpy squalls make way for sunny skies, more often than not? If the answer to all these questions is yes, the biggest thing for you to focus on is getting out of your own head - and enjoying your blossoming romance.

We've all heard the expression "love comes in all shapes and sizes," but how often do we accept this in real life? Many times, we have an ideal in mind when we are searching for our significant others - we might picture what she looks like, what he does for a living, or how old he is. So it's easy to be confused when you fall for someone outside of your expectations. When your heart tells you one thing but your mind says another.

Have you dated someone ten or more years older (or younger) than you? Did you feel worried or out of place? Sometimes it's hard to let go of the ideals we've built up, but it's necessary in finding love. And just because someone you're attracted to is outside of your comfort zone in terms of age doesn't mean you shouldn't give things a chance.

Following are some questions you might ask yourself:

Are you happy in the relationship? It's simple but a good way to tell if there might be a future. Being happy doesn't require compatible ages. If you feel good around your date, enjoy spending time together, and want to see her even more, those are all good signs that you should keep moving forward.

Do you listen too much to others? Maybe your friends and family aren't comfortable with the idea of you dating someone so much younger. Even though people in your life might have their own fixed ideas about the type of person best for you, who you decide to date is your decision alone. Be prepared to risk disappointing them if it means you will be happy in your new relationship. They will come around, just give them time to adapt.

What about life experience? If you're dating someone older who's had a few more significant life experiences, this shouldn't be a reason to go your separate ways. Maybe he was married before and learned how to be truly thoughtful in a relationship, and can share that with you. Or maybe you provide a new way of looking at life and the world. You can both give to each other without being in the exact same place in your lives.

What if I haven't made it? Let's say you're dating a successful businesswoman who happens to be older, and you're still struggling to get that promotion. Give yourself a break from comparison in your romantic life. You will have time to get where you want to go, and the right person will support you. Don't spend your time or energy comparing salaries or career success.

There are a lot of reasons to talk yourself out of dating someone outside your age, but trust your intuition. If it feels right, give it a chance. Especially if it's not what you pictured.

Dating is something that is solely the business of those involved. The fact is probably obvious, common sense, but just the same we can all think of times it’s been forgotten. Perhaps your parent has some helpful tips about who they think would be the best match. Perhaps you were secretly horrified at the woman your cousin chose to wed. We don’t always keep our mouths shut when it comes to love, especially when it’s someone we love - but if we don’t, the repercussions can be major.

First, a disclaimer: there is an exception to the “mind your own business” rule, and it’s when you think someone is in a harmful or abusive relationship. That’s an entirely different situation, and it’s often best handled with the input of professionals - there’s much more going on in that situation than love.

Normal, everyday meddling can certainly stir up problems on its own, even if no one is physically being harmed. Family and friends love to give well-meaning advice, but frequently all they accomplish is anguish for their loved one. When one chooses to be in a committed, long-term relationship, they are essentially creating a new family in addition to their old one. This new person will be someone who is likely their closest friend, the first person they go to with their troubles. How wrenching, then, to have made that choice, and then have someone else you love and trust speak ill of your new love.

For Susan, some damage inflicted years ago still stings. “When I met Joe, I knew he was the one for me. Most of my family and friends completely agreed - they all love him too. But he had to take a job across the country shortly after we were engaged. One of my oldest friends flat-out told me I was a moron for moving with this guy, and that he was a loser; her words still haunt me. Seven years later, I’m happily married - but my oldest friendship essentially ended.”

If you find yourself torn between your old loves and your new, try to remember that usually their comments come from a place of love, even if it’s misguided. Maybe they just want to ensure you choose someone who makes you happy. Maybe they’re feeling fearful about being replaced. Typically they last thing they want to do is cause you pain, and sometimes a gentle reminder that they are is all it takes to make it end.

And if you can tell that a little “advice” is crossing the line and want to keep things light, remember this quip: “You don’t have to like this person enough to commit to them - that’s my job!”

Do you find yourself posting on Twitter or Facebook at all hours? Do you tend to leave a digital trail of texts and emails rather than picking up the phone to call someone? While people are gravitating towards online interaction, it may be better to keep some things to yourself.

Maybe you feel more comfortable sharing over the Web to random friends and followers the details of your thoughts, interactions, feelings, or even questions about dating. Maybe you even have a blog that details each online date in its awkward progression.

If you feel comfortable sharing online, are you just as comfortable sharing in person with someone you just met? Likely not. There's something about personal space (mentally and physically) that keeps us comfortable, that preserves who we are - at least until we develop trust with another person. While you might have a few too many drinks and make some confessions to a date you later regret, there's no stop button when it comes to the Internet.

And just as there is the real you, there is an online you that builds its presence by sharing through social media and blogs. The problem is - where do you draw the line as far as what is too personal? If you blog or Tweet about your dating disasters and successes, then you run the risk of all of your future dates, boyfriends, or girlfriends finding out. Some might not be so comfortable to date you when you're so used to sharing everything - the good, bad and the ugly. And if you keep your blog anonymous, prepare to be revealed down the line. It can happen easily, so don't hide behind your words.

And I've said this before: don't friend anyone you're dating on Facebook until you are in a relationship. This may seem counter-intuitive to the easy way in which we connect with people now. After all, instead of asking for someone's number or business card many of us just friend each other on Facebook. But everything you've posted is accessible. Do you really want to admit to those drunken photos or your political or religious rants? And for those of you who like to express your success in dating or hooking up, it's a turn-off for potential dates to see it. Imagine friending a guy you like to see that he posts a bunch of comments about how many women he picks up? Not everyone is going to be so forgiving or try to understand who you really are.

The best approach is to decide how you'll present yourself online, and be consistent. While that seems like a lot of pressure, it's not. Just keep one thing in mind: less is better. Don't use social media or a blog as a confessional. Save the revealing for your significant other, not to please the online public.

When you are dating, you find out very quickly that you aren't the only fish in the sea. Even though you might think there aren't any good women or men "out there," there are actually more options than you can process or take in. People have a hard time finding Mr. or Miss Right not because there are so few options, but because there are so many.

There was a speed dating study done recently where the behaviors of two groups of speed daters were analyzed. One group was presented with a large number of options - 100 dates in a room. The other group was much smaller, consisting of only 30 people. What researchers found was that the speed daters who had a large number of people to choose from tended to assess their attraction by how the person looked - namely, age, height, and weight. The speed daters with fewer options were attracted to people based on less superficial qualities - like education, profession, or similar interests.

Dating is easy. The hard part is figuring out what you really want.

When we date, we're presented with seemingly endless options. Online dating provides an ever-rotating pool of candidates. We can now meet people to date through our social networks. We have access to dates on demand through mobile apps. And there's always the chance that you could bump into Mr. Right one night at your local bar.

When there are so many options, it's hard to focus on the person sitting in front of you, isn't it? Perhaps you're assessing your dates quickly, thinking that you could be missing out on someone who's "more" - more attractive, more successful, more charismatic, or whatever. So you don't really pay close enough attention to what is unfolding right before you as you're on a date.

Do you assess her quickly, deciding that she's nice but you don't feel the fireworks? Or do you notice that he fails to pick up the tab or is a little too nervous? While we often use these methods to gauge our attraction and whether or not someone is worth pursuing, they are not the best way to find the right person for you.

It takes time and patience to get to know someone else. First dates are deceptive because people usually put on their interview faces - but you can't possibly know what kind of person he or she will be until you go beyond that first date. It takes time for people to reveal themselves, and most of us aren't willing to wait.

My advice? Instead of focusing on the endless list of candidates and matching them up with what you want - whether it's good looks, a sense of humor, ambition, or a million other qualities - start thinking about how you want to feel in a relationship. Do you want to feel loved, respected, encouraged? Often, finding someone special isn't about all the wonderful traits they possess or how great the attraction is, but how amazing they make us feel, and how easy it is to be together.

When it comes to online dating, there's no bigger question than "How do I know which dating site is right for me?

That's the question YourTango tackles in Day Two of their Online Dating Bootcamp. Armed with a cadre of dating experts, YourTango reviewed a few of online dating's biggest players. This is what they had to say:

Match.com- The Pros: At over 20 million members, Match is huge. And not only does it give you access to a seriously wide range of potential dates, it also manages to be incredibly targeted at the same time. The Cons: Because the site is so big, you'll likely need to invest more time and energy into being proactive about finding a partner.

eHarmony - The Pros: The site accounts for 542 marriages a day - a massive five percent of all nuptials in the US. It's a great destination for those who are serious about settling down. The Cons: eHarmony is not for those who lack patience. The guided communication process can take a long time.

Chemistry - The Pros: Chemistry saves busy singles some time by automatically pairing up members and selecting daily matches for users. The Cons: The site does all the work for you, so it isn't ideal for those who want to have control over the search process.

Gay - The Pros: Gay.com is a hub for just about everything, from advice, to fashion, to - of course - dating. The Cons: Gay is just a standard dating site with no specific niche to narrow the search for Mr. Right.

OKCupid - The Pros: OKCupid is a free, fun, and has a social networking feel. The Cons: The nonexistent monthly fee means that just about everyone is on OKCupid. There's no system in place to filter the desirable dates from the fake profiles, scammers, and shirtless sleazebags.

Grindr - The Pros: For low-key hookups, it doesn't get any better. It's fast, convenient, and as anonymous as you want it to be. The Cons: If you're looking for anything more than a hookup, look elsewhere.

JDate - The Pros: This is THE site for Jewish dating. JDate is dedicated solely to pairing Jewish singles, and searches can be conducted by denomination for optimum compatibility. The Cons: non-Jews sometimes "crash the virtual party," so be on the lookout for singles who leave the religion field blank on their profiles.

ManHunt - The Pros: ManHunt is one of the oldest matching services for the gay community and now has more than 6 million members. The Cons: Like Grindr, ManHunt is primarily a hookup site. Don't come here if you're looking for something serious.

One Good Love - The Pros: One Good Love is designed by the LGBT community, for the LGBT community. If long-term love is your goal, this is the place to go. The Cons: Free access is limited. Payment is required for full access to the site's features.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day One & Day Two
Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Four