Do You Know What You Want in a Relationship?

When you are dating, you find out very quickly that you aren't the only fish in the sea. Even though you might think there aren't any good women or men "out there," there are actually more options than you can process or take in. People have a hard time finding Mr. or Miss Right not because there are so few options, but because there are so many.

There was a speed dating study done recently where the behaviors of two groups of speed daters were analyzed. One group was presented with a large number of options - 100 dates in a room. The other group was much smaller, consisting of only 30 people. What researchers found was that the speed daters who had a large number of people to choose from tended to assess their attraction by how the person looked - namely, age, height, and weight. The speed daters with fewer options were attracted to people based on less superficial qualities - like education, profession, or similar interests.

Dating is easy. The hard part is figuring out what you really want.

When we date, we're presented with seemingly endless options. Online dating provides an ever-rotating pool of candidates. We can now meet people to date through our social networks. We have access to dates on demand through mobile apps. And there's always the chance that you could bump into Mr. Right one night at your local bar.

When there are so many options, it's hard to focus on the person sitting in front of you, isn't it? Perhaps you're assessing your dates quickly, thinking that you could be missing out on someone who's "more" - more attractive, more successful, more charismatic, or whatever. So you don't really pay close enough attention to what is unfolding right before you as you're on a date.

Do you assess her quickly, deciding that she's nice but you don't feel the fireworks? Or do you notice that he fails to pick up the tab or is a little too nervous? While we often use these methods to gauge our attraction and whether or not someone is worth pursuing, they are not the best way to find the right person for you.

It takes time and patience to get to know someone else. First dates are deceptive because people usually put on their interview faces - but you can't possibly know what kind of person he or she will be until you go beyond that first date. It takes time for people to reveal themselves, and most of us aren't willing to wait.

My advice? Instead of focusing on the endless list of candidates and matching them up with what you want - whether it's good looks, a sense of humor, ambition, or a million other qualities - start thinking about how you want to feel in a relationship. Do you want to feel loved, respected, encouraged? Often, finding someone special isn't about all the wonderful traits they possess or how great the attraction is, but how amazing they make us feel, and how easy it is to be together.