Advice of the Meddling Kind

Dating is something that is solely the business of those involved. The fact is probably obvious, common sense, but just the same we can all think of times it’s been forgotten. Perhaps your parent has some helpful tips about who they think would be the best match. Perhaps you were secretly horrified at the woman your cousin chose to wed. We don’t always keep our mouths shut when it comes to love, especially when it’s someone we love - but if we don’t, the repercussions can be major.

First, a disclaimer: there is an exception to the “mind your own business” rule, and it’s when you think someone is in a harmful or abusive relationship. That’s an entirely different situation, and it’s often best handled with the input of professionals - there’s much more going on in that situation than love.

Normal, everyday meddling can certainly stir up problems on its own, even if no one is physically being harmed. Family and friends love to give well-meaning advice, but frequently all they accomplish is anguish for their loved one. When one chooses to be in a committed, long-term relationship, they are essentially creating a new family in addition to their old one. This new person will be someone who is likely their closest friend, the first person they go to with their troubles. How wrenching, then, to have made that choice, and then have someone else you love and trust speak ill of your new love.

For Susan, some damage inflicted years ago still stings. “When I met Joe, I knew he was the one for me. Most of my family and friends completely agreed - they all love him too. But he had to take a job across the country shortly after we were engaged. One of my oldest friends flat-out told me I was a moron for moving with this guy, and that he was a loser; her words still haunt me. Seven years later, I’m happily married - but my oldest friendship essentially ended.”

If you find yourself torn between your old loves and your new, try to remember that usually their comments come from a place of love, even if it’s misguided. Maybe they just want to ensure you choose someone who makes you happy. Maybe they’re feeling fearful about being replaced. Typically they last thing they want to do is cause you pain, and sometimes a gentle reminder that they are is all it takes to make it end.

And if you can tell that a little “advice” is crossing the line and want to keep things light, remember this quip: “You don’t have to like this person enough to commit to them - that’s my job!”