Relationships

Have you ever been in a relationship where your significant other came first? Did you put his needs in front of your own - even to the point of making excuses for his bad behavior?

Let me give you an example. Let's say your boyfriend has been coming home late for the past several nights, not answering his phone, and has repeatedly cancelled plans that you have made. Maybe he's given you excuses like he's busy with work, but he doesn't really apologize or try to make an effort to be with you. He just calls you when it's convenient for him, and you always seem to go where he wants - whether it's to a restaurant, sporting event, or movie. You look to see what he wants first.

Then when your family and friends start to question his behavior and lack of consideration, you find yourself defending him and making excuses. Perhaps you say he works really hard or he is just too busy right now, trying to protect your boyfriend from their accusations.

While this might sound extreme, maybe it also sounds familiar. Maybe you've found yourself going out of your way in a relationship to please your partner, even when he's giving you very little. But why?

Most of the time, we are aware of our significant other's bad behavior, and we know that the relationship is unequal. But we're really trying to make it work, because he seems to have all the right qualities - like the fact that he's smart, handsome, successful, funny, or whatever. Sometimes we feel pressured by timing - we're worried about biological clocks, and feel that we won't find someone "as good" if we leave. Or maybe we feel like he's the best we'll ever get.

Regardless of the reason, there's no excuse to keep going as you have been. Making excuses for your boyfriend's bad behavior only makes you weaker in the relationship and less willing or able to leave it for one that's more fulfilling. After all, you're giving your power away. And it could set a precedent if you break up to repeat the same patterns in the future.

But it doesn't have to. You can choose to stop making excuses, to put yourself first in any relationship. This doesn't mean you should be selfish and demanding, but that you exercise self-care. Your needs are just as important as your significant other's. And when he's not respecting you, then stop making excuses and let him know it's not acceptable. Be willing to walk away, because you deserve better.

How do you know if you're making excuses for him? Sometimes the line is a little fuzzy. Sometimes the best thing to do is talk to yourself like you're speaking with your best friend. Ask yourself how you would advise her to take care of herself - if she should forgive him or walk away. Treat yourself with the same care and respect you'd give a friend and you'll have the right answer for you.

Growing up, I frequently heard a tip, often said with a grim sort of wisdom behind the words: “If someone offers to take you on a date, never accept unless you’re thrilled by the idea.” With very few exceptions, this is pretty solid advice; if you know you only have friendly feelings - or less! - for someone you’re reasonably acquainted with, not much is going to change on a date. However, one of those aforementioned exceptions is when the date is made via online dating.

Think about it - how can you possibly know if you’re excited about a date with someone you’ve never met? Sure, you might be able to tell if you’re vaguely interested, if you have things in common, or if the person is reasonably attractive (or at least nice-looking). Still, when it comes right down to it, you have no earthly way of knowing if you’re going to share a spark. So what can you do? You have to meet in person to know for sure.

Some people don’t like to hear this. They like online dating because they get to control more variables than usual - the sort of first impression they put out, their custom searches, etc. To hear that they’re still going to have to take the plunge and meet before anything is certain, well, it can seem a little too “blind date” for them.

Alas, it’s not something you can really get around. So much of our chemistry is felt only when we’re face-to-face, and love can be unpredictable and surprising, even for those people who usually dislike being surprised. The couple who seemed perfectly matched find out they’re only compatible as friends, or the man who seemed only so-so turns out to have an absolutely intoxicating smile in person. Having that first meeting is a necessity.

So, if you like, think of it as a first meeting instead of a first date. Establish your real feelings, not the ones that are muddled with the fantasies you formed while reading profiles. If there’s a spark, you’ll likely be feeling it by the end of that first “meeting.”

And then? Only offer or accept that second meeting if you’re thrilled by the very idea of it. Times and technology may change, but there’s still wisdom left in those old words.

We've all heard the jokes about "cougars" when we speak of older women dating younger men. But in real life, it's not a joke at all. In fact, why shouldn't older women date younger men? It's more acceptable in society for older men to date younger women, although this is the subject of some jokes, too.

If there is an attraction between two people of different ages, who are we to judge? It's only by pursuing the people we are drawn to that we figure out where the relationship falls - a short-term romance or long-term commitment. And sometimes, the people who are meant to be lifelong partners are not who we expect - they could be much older or younger than us. But society doesn't always accept this.

Does that mean we should ignore our feelings, because we're expected to date someone closer to our own age? Not at all.

Following are some tips to keep in mind if you want to pursue that younger man:

Ignore the gossip. I'm sure plenty of people will have a lot to say about your new love interest. While I'm all for listening to friends and family if they have issues with the quality of character of the person you're dating, if they can't look past the age difference, they aren't being objective. It's up to you to really get to know him and decide for yourself how you feel.

Know what you want. Are you looking for a short-term fling or something more substantial? If a man is in his early twenties, likely he's not thinking about pursuing anything serious, but it's important to know. Be upfront about your intentions so you're both on the same page, and so you don't feel like you're misleading him.

Leave the past behind. He doesn't need to know all the details of your divorce or the problems you had in past relationships. Focus on the present and enjoying your time together now.

Be aware of your career differences. When you're boyfriend is younger than you, chances are he's not as far along in his career, either. Be sure to talk about this before it becomes a sore subject. Of course more experience provides a bigger paycheck and a better job title, but it doesn't mean that he can't have that in the future, too. It's great if he's supportive of you and your success, but if it becomes a problem for him then it's important to talk about it.

Speaking from experience, managing a relationship as an entrepreneur is difficult to do. It's not the same as your average relationship because entrepreneurs are starting and running businesses from the ground up. Often times by themselves. So they work crazy hours and are hardly ever home. That means you don't get to see or talk to your significant other as much, let alone spend quality time together.

That said, my wife and I have managed our relationship well over the last couple of years while I've built my business. Here are the 5 things we did to make it work.

1. Establish a Work Schedule: I work long days, so I expect to be interrupted sometimes. However, I do need to get things done, and being interrupted constantly will keep me from being productive (it can be annoying, too).

So my first tip is to establish a work schedule. This schedule should more or less be your "off limits" time, where you can work as interrupted-free as possible. If you both are on the same page here, this will allow you to get some work done and avoid petty arguing because your significant other knows when it's ok, and not ok, to bother you.

2. Pencil in Dates: It's important to spend time together. However, this can be easier said than done though when an entrepreneur is busy working 24/7.

What you need to do is schedule a time for your date. No work, no interruptions. This time is just for the two of you to enjoy each other's company.

It's even easier to accomplish if you make your date night the same day each week. For us, Saturdays are usually the day where my work schedule is more relaxed, allowing us to go catch a movie or dinner any time that we want.

3. Communication is Huge: I can tell you from experience that it's very easy to go without communicating with your significant other if all you're doing is working day in and day out.

We all know that's unhealthy for a relationship, right?

So what I recommend doing is making it a point to talk to your partner. Take a break from your work every so often just to say hi. Send text messages frequently, or leave notes on the counter. Do something to keep the communication going between the two of you.

Otherwise, you might as well be trying to manage a long distance relationship.

4. Let the Little Things Go: You hardly see each other as is. Do you really want to spend your "quality" time arguing about stuff? Some things are unavoidable, like the finances or kids (if you have them). However, things like forgetting to take out the trash or hanging up the clothes is petty. Why let that ruin your time together?

It shouldn't.

5. Remember Why You're Doing It: As hard as managing a relationship and entrepreneurial projects are, I (you/we) do it so we can improve our lives and the lives of those we care about. It's a small sacrifice now that will pay off big down the road. So, keep the reasons you have in mind at all times, and think of them often. It'll make the times when you're frustrated or you miss your spouse much easier to handle.

About the author: Hi, my name is Matt. I'm the co-owner of www.PlugThingsIn.com, which is one business (of several) that I've built while maintaining a strong relationship with my wife. If you have any questions or feedback, I'd like to hear them. Let me know in the comments below.

You’ve been working on your online dating profile, and you think you’ve got the self-summary part word-perfect. You’re pleased with how you’re presenting yourself. Only one thing remains: you have to write about the person you’re looking for. And this is where things get difficult for you. After all, if you knew exactly what you were looking for, wouldn’t you have found it already? What if you’re too weirdly specific? How should this section be tackled?

First, there’s one thing you shouldn’t do: don’t waste time talking about who you don’t want. It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to be nice (“I’m not looking for someone who looks like Brad Pitt”) or if you’re trying to prevent problems (“If you’re someone who can’t let go of your past relationship issues, I’m not interested”). When you speak in negative terms, you appear negative yourself. No one wants to appear bitter or surly, so by making sure everything you say is in positive terms, you avoid a major land mine from the very beginning.

Neither should you tell your reader what they “have to” be, unless you’re talking about something that is absolutely, dealbreakingly non-negotiable. For example: if it really makes you ill to think about kissing a carnivore, then yes, your date should be a vegetarian. However, for most people, most subjects have at least a little wiggle-room, and you’re making a list of possibilities, not demands at a hostage negotiation. Thus, the phrases “have to” and “should be” (as in, “you should be able to communicate well”) “should be” eliminated! You’ll only come off as patronizing, controlling, or some combination of both.

So, what words and phrases can be used in abundance? Ones that don’t draw lines in the sand. A few great examples are: “could,” “might,” and “maybe.” For example: “The guy of my dreams might be found at a Knicks game” or “You could be into anime.” The reader might not be able to identify with one specific sentence, but she might fit the bill in several others, so she easily discounts what doesn’t apply.

As far as what to write about your dream date: if you’re absolutely stuck, try thinking of your own interests that you’d like to share and apply it to your potential match. For example, maybe you like going to concerts but couldn’t fit it in your self-summary. Now you can say: “My match might be found at an indie show.” Note that in that example, there’s a genre, but not a specific band. In general, you want to throw in details, but not be too specific or obscure; the idea is for the reader to identify and imagine themselves as your perfect match. They’ll add the specifics in their mind.

The “What I’m Looking For” section in a profile can often slip into the generic, or be skipped altogether, but you shouldn’t let this opportunity pass you by! This is your chance for the reader to actively think about the two of you together. With a little simple proofreading, you might provide the extra kindling that leads to a spark of interest.

Some people think that, when it comes to online dating, all they have to do is write up a profile, sit back, and let the date offers come rolling in. It rarely seems to occur to such people that if everyone is sitting back, well, who’s doing the offering? There are even those who come up with reasons to justify why they shouldn’t have to “make the first move” - and surprisingly enough, it often seems to come down to gender.

“Are you sure it’s okay for a girl to email a guy first?” asked one wide-eyed female. “It’s not the stone age!” I replied. “If you see a profile you’re interested in, email them. You probably wouldn’t be asking yourself if you should talk to someone cute you’ve spotted in public; why should this be any different?” A few males have gotten downright surly when it was suggested they try emailing more prospective matches. “Why is it always up to the guy?” one said. “I’m tired of having to make the first move.”

Yes, it does seem that online dating, while utilizing the latest technology, can be somewhat primeval when it comes to heterosexual interaction. It’s unclear why; maybe those who still view it as an “alternative” to regular dating, instead of a natural extension, think of it as something “other” and contribute a more stilted and traditional feel? At any rate, no one is going to be offended if a woman emails a man first; the men will likely be appreciative!

So, yes, online dating can be “unfair” when it comes to the fullness of one’s inbox. That being said, women don’t necessarily have it any easier. Most of the messages they receive can be considered “white noise;” they’re just garbled or lewd (or both!). It can actually make seeking those genuine messages more difficult; when four out of every five emails are white noise, you might start to glaze over and skim, rather than giving every message the consideration it deserves. Something good can get lost in the shuffle.

So, how best to shake things up and stand out from the crowd? Well, if you’re a woman, the first step is to just get out there and email! Some men are emailing ten or more women a week. If you manage even half that you’ll probably have quite a few conversations going.

If you’re a man, just try to be memorable. A memorable, easy-to-spell username (no John2042, please) is a great first step in case she deletes your email accidentally. A funny or different email subject line is the next order of business - something different from the many “heys” she probably gets. And when it comes to the email itself: don’t regurgitate your profile, don’t fawn all over her. Instead, start up a conversation. Ask questions about something specific from her profile. Think about how you’d interact in-person instead of getting scared by the formality of the written word (but avoid text-speak! You want it to sound like your voice, not your thumbs).

Sometimes the best way to get results in online dating is to stop thinking of it as online dating! Instead of viewing it as some separate, ritualized process, remember what you’re here to do: meet people, talk to them, and figure out if you’re compatible. Just because you’re not in the same room doesn’t mean you’re not in the same world.