Relationships

I've read dating advice from just about every source imaginable, and the truth is that it gets real old, real fast. Half of the "experts" doling out advice haven't even tried online dating themselves...what good does that do? What I want is real, relatable dating advice from someone who has actually been in the trenches and experienced the (all's fair in love and) war first-hand.

This month, I'm in luck. A. Chertorofsky, a "single widowed man age 49 who has met some personable, attractive women on Match.com," has written a guide for women about how to find the right man on Match.com. Finally - real advice from a real person!

"I want to be honest about what works and what doesn't from a guy who genuinely likes women," writes Chertorofsky. "Not just the sex part. The whole Venus and Mars planetary divide part. Take it for what's it worth -- free advice from one on the other end."

Here are his top 6 tips from the other side:

1. Ignore men who aren't polite, genuine, and thoughtful. If a man introduces himself by sending you a "Wink," don't dignify his overture with a response. "That's just some lazy slob who probably can't write or has decided you are not worth the time to write," Chertorofsky says.
2. Your photos really do matter, so choose wisely. Like it or not, online dating is a bit like choosing real estate - you're going to go with whatever property looks best in the pictures. If you can't find at least 3 photos of yourself that you like, it's time to crack out the camera. Do: smile. Don't: take a selfie in the bathroom mirror.
3. You're only as good as your worst picture. This is my new favorite online dating motto (Thanks, Chertorofsky!). You could put up 9 great pictures and 1 disastrous picture, but it's the disastrous shot that's going to be remembered. Don't post photos that aren't an accurate representation of what you really look like, but do take the time to choose your most flattering shots.
4. Be congruent. If you're a sex kitten in your photos and talk about how much you want a serious relationship in your profile, what message are you sending? A confusing one, that's what. Decide what you're looking for and stick with it, or you risking attracting men who aren't actually right for you.
5. Do not write "I am a sexually confident woman." It's not that you can't be a sexually confident woman (you should be!)...but writing it is likely to attract the attention of suitors you don't want. If sex isn't your goal, don't make it the focus of your profile.
6. Be honest. Write what you want to write, about who you really are. Don't write the profile that you think men will be attracted to. If it's not true, it doesn't belong in your profile.

To find out more about the dating site Chertorofsky had success with you can read our Match.com review.

Have you ever noticed that when a couple makes the big step of moving in together, sometimes it goes without a hitch, and sometimes it’s a sitcom in the making? That’s because there’s a certain period of adjustment that happens in a committed relationship - a transition between thinking of one person and thinking of two. At some point, you have to merge your schedules, your free time, maybe even your finances, and find your balance. Some people don’t make this transition until they’re living together, but for others it can come much sooner - so it’s best to be aware, lest it catch you off-guard.

This transition - call it a “merger” - doesn’t happen on a set schedule. Those who have a very busy social life, or maybe a very rigid schedule, will probably be feeling it first. When you’re booked up every night, something is going to have to give if you ever want to see your relationship blossom. Thus, a little rearranging is in order. At times like this, some people feel resentful - and that’s normal. After all, your life is being upheaved, and that brings stress. Just try to remember: it’s for a wonderful reason, and whether or not your partner faces the same immediate challenges you do, they’ll be making their own concessions and tough decisions, sooner or later.

At the same time, it’s important to remember that while this may be a “merge,” it is not a “meld.” You shouldn’t morph into a new entity with one brain and two bodies; your friends can still see you one-on-one from time to time. Nor should one person be fully absorbed into the other; even if one person willingly eliminates their own friends, family, interests, and possessions, such an imbalance could lead to resentment later - if not from one partner, than from the other. For the couple that can’t seem to separate, remind yourselves (and each other): you fell in love based on the whole package, the differences as well as the similarities.

Making the change from “two people dating” to “a couple” is an adjustment; for some couples, it might be the first case of disharmony or stress you’ve faced together. Just remember that while such a merger may lead to tense moments or even arguments, there’s no reason to let it break down a relationship before it’s begun. If you’re both prepared to compromise and communicate, you can weather this storm - and any others to come - together.

Dating is filled with ambiguity. Many daters take a casual approach so they don’t come across so strong when first getting to know someone. This is a good idea – not only to prevent you from scaring your dates away, but also because you want to get to know the other person before you can decide what you need and want from them.

The problem is that many daters are hard to read. For instance, you go out with a man for a few weeks – there is attraction between you, and both of you seem to have a good time. He compliments you and says he enjoys being with you. However, he doesn’t call you much to go out, or leaves it until the last minute. You find yourself waiting around for him to make his next move to try and figure out where it’s going.

While I’d like to say this is unusual, it’s becoming more of the norm. People aren’t sold on committing to much of anything these days – especially to a date. It’s easier to keep things loose and see how the relationship progresses. If you’ve been dating for a few weeks, than this kind of behavior is pretty standard, but if you’re three months into it and you want to move forward, you have a right to ask for what you want.

While it might seem scary to take that risk and have an honest conversation about what you want, it’s important. You don’t want to feel misunderstood or taken advantage of, but you also don’t want to come across as needy or pushy. So how do you approach it?

First, it’s a good idea to be aware of what you want as you progress in the relationship – it might not be the same in two months as it is now. At first, maybe you wanted to keep things loose but as you continue to date you realize you’d like to be exclusive. Or maybe you’re not sure if this person is right for you, and you need a little more time to see before committing. It’s okay to change your mind, as long as you aren’t misleading anyone.

It’s also important to keep in touch with your feelings and be true to yourself. If you don’t, and you base your decisions on what you think the other person wants, you are doing the relationship a disservice. You are putting your own needs second to someone else’s, which isn’t a good place to start – and besides, you’re assuming (maybe incorrectly) that you already know what they want.

Finally, it’s good to pay attention to the actions and behaviors of your love interest, not just his words. For instance, if he tells you you’re beautiful and he enjoys spending time with you, but then only calls you late at night to come over to his place, likely he isn’t thinking of your relationship seriously.

Putting all of these components together will help you decide whether or not the relationship is progressing in the way you’d like and if you’re both feeling the same way. It will also help you know when to have that more serious conversation – to define your relationship and decide whether or not you want to move forward.

We talk a lot about why some people click and some don’t. Much of it is due to chemistry, that mysterious, primal connection. Some of it is due to common interests; that’s probably the most easily definable aspect, so we spend a lot of time on it. But there’s another factor at play, and perhaps sometimes we should pay more attention to it: the stage of life - and the related wants and needs - of the individual.

Whether due to age or life experiences, we need different types of relationships at various points in our lives. Someone in college might be looking to “fall in love.” Someone more settled down might be looking for a long-term commitment, or someone with whom to create a family. Someone who’s just come out of a painful experience, like death or divorce, might want to take things slow. Some people are just looking for physical closeness; others really just want a friend, a companion. The combinations are practically endless, but distinct.

And if you and your potential match want things on opposite ends of the spectrum, it ultimately might not matter how much chemistry you share or how many interests you have in common.

So what to do? After all, you don’t want to be one of those people who load up their profiles with ultimatums: “If you’re not looking for marriage within one year don’t waste my time!” Well, much like anything you feel strongly about, you shouldn’t lie about it or lie by omission. The key is to be gentle and positive. Instead of flat-out demanding instantaneous commitment, try saying that you’re at a point in your own life where you’re getting ready to settle down. You’re talking about your own priorities, not making demands of someone else, but it still gets the message across. And if they’re turned off or scared away by something that mild, they’re probably not on the same page anyway.

Similarly, be honest if you’re not looking for a long-term, committed relationship. Owning your own choices are the way to go here - don’t try to bash the choices of others (so edit out the shackle imagery). You don’t have to defend yourself, or attack anyone else; simply stating what you’re looking for, firmly and confidently, should serve to avoid stepping on toes and also ward off those who want to argue or try to change your mind (yes, they’re out there). And if someone ignores your wishes and gets upset later when you don’t want a commitment, well, they can’t say they weren’t fully informed.

Not everyone knows exactly what they’re looking for, and that’s okay too. Just be honest with yourself, and when these sorts of discussions come up in email or on dates, think about your feelings and gut reactions. Chances are, you’ll know if your vision of the future is meshing with that of your potential match - or not.

Whatever phase of life you’re in, there’s nothing wrong with looking for someone to share it with. If you encounter someone who wants something else right now, don’t hold it against them; just know that, like their interests and chemistry, it’s just another factor to weigh in determining your compatibility.

Crafting a good profile takes a little time and creativity. Remember, there are a lot of people who are online dating, so the key to getting noticed is to make yourself stand out. Don't be generic so that nobody will find you offensive - because they won't find you interesting either! Don't you want them to reach out or respond to your emails?

If you're struggling with your profile, or it's not working as effectively as you'd like it, following are some common pitfalls that you can avoid. Remember, you don't want to sound cliché.

"I like long walks on the beach." My question to the person who writes this is - who doesn't? If you're trying to make yourself sound romantic, then be a little more creative. How have you acted romantically in the past? Do you like to surprise your girlfriend with tickets to see her favorite band or a drive up the coast to eat her favorite fish tacos? Or do you like to take your boyfriend to a great spot for watching paragliders sail down from the mountain? Be more specific - say what you would actually do for romance.

"Sometimes I like to go out, and sometimes I like to stay in." This describes almost every dater out there, so you can leave this comment off your profile. Same thing with "I feel comfortable in jeans or a tie." Instead of going for these generalities, be specific about how you like to spend your time - do you really get dressed up to go out a lot? Or do you spend most weekends in jeans and flip flops watching movies? It's time to be honest about how you spend your time, and not just try to please more people on an online dating site. If you do like to go out, then describe your ideal evening - including the type of place you go. If you're an avid movie buff, then talk about the movies you love and why you love them.

"Looking for Prince Charming/ My knight in shining armor." While this seems a romantic ideal, who wants to try to live up to your unrealistic expectations? No man or woman wants to be a savior to someone else. Relationships are partnerships, so try to keep it realistic.

"I'm tired of all the drama and games." This is another one to leave off your profile description, mostly because it shows anyone looking at it that you still have some resentment over past relationships. Nobody wants to be a punching bag, so likely they will steer clear, unless they themselves are drama queens.

"I like a sense of humor/ someone who makes me laugh." Again, don't we all? Saying it doesn't really convey the message to potential dates. Try your hand at a joke or sarcastic remark instead - whatever you find funny. Writers will tell you - "show, don't tell" because it's much more effective in drawing people in. It also makes it easier to strike up conversations.

Over the last weekend, an acquaintance of mine has been pursuing a new relationship. He didn’t seem to have many problems finding casual dates, and there have certainly been more than a few one-night stands. But this woman is different. She doesn’t share all his interests - in fact, she loves a TV show that he actively trashes - but the connection they have seems to be far outweighing any differences. After their date, they spent all night talking in his car; they’ve been flirting through text message ever since.

I did mention this is just an acquaintance, right? Perhaps you’re wondering how I know all these intimate details about his love life. Well, it’s simple: I’ve read it all on Twitter.

Yep, that’s right. The one-night-stands, the flirtations that he knew would lead nowhere, the snap judgments, and more are all out on public display. Now, it’s not quite as bad as it sounds; he does have a closed account, so presumably only his “friends” can read this. The random women won’t be reading about their exploits if they do a search.

But let’s suppose this latest woman turns into a real relationship. Soon she’ll feel close enough to be deemed a “friend” on social media. Now she’ll be able to read about herself... and everyone else. Maybe she won’t mind; after all, almost everything about her is all positive, and anyone else is firmly in the past.

Now let’s consider a different scenario. A relationship doesn’t go anywhere, but they settle firmly into “friend” territory. Once again she’s added to social media, and she’s watching the blow-by-blow account of all his current flames. Part of her probably wonders what’s been said about her, and it probably stings, even if she has no interest in a relationship.

On other social networks like Facebook, it’s even easier to stumble across updates from the distant past. Yes, there are ways to filter, edit, and more, but it can be difficult to track the “level of friendship” with everyone, particularly when it’s someone new who travels through levels quickly. Perhaps you can manage posting about every thought and date, but why add the extra stress?

In today’s world of social media, perhaps we’ve become accustomed to sharing most of our thoughts and experiences. When it comes to dating, however, think twice. You see, you’re not just talking about your intimate, personal experience; you’re talking about that of someone else.

Do you want to know how to meet singles using social media? Take a look at our Twitter review to find out how.