The Third Factor

We talk a lot about why some people click and some don’t. Much of it is due to chemistry, that mysterious, primal connection. Some of it is due to common interests; that’s probably the most easily definable aspect, so we spend a lot of time on it. But there’s another factor at play, and perhaps sometimes we should pay more attention to it: the stage of life - and the related wants and needs - of the individual.

Whether due to age or life experiences, we need different types of relationships at various points in our lives. Someone in college might be looking to “fall in love.” Someone more settled down might be looking for a long-term commitment, or someone with whom to create a family. Someone who’s just come out of a painful experience, like death or divorce, might want to take things slow. Some people are just looking for physical closeness; others really just want a friend, a companion. The combinations are practically endless, but distinct.

And if you and your potential match want things on opposite ends of the spectrum, it ultimately might not matter how much chemistry you share or how many interests you have in common.

So what to do? After all, you don’t want to be one of those people who load up their profiles with ultimatums: “If you’re not looking for marriage within one year don’t waste my time!” Well, much like anything you feel strongly about, you shouldn’t lie about it or lie by omission. The key is to be gentle and positive. Instead of flat-out demanding instantaneous commitment, try saying that you’re at a point in your own life where you’re getting ready to settle down. You’re talking about your own priorities, not making demands of someone else, but it still gets the message across. And if they’re turned off or scared away by something that mild, they’re probably not on the same page anyway.

Similarly, be honest if you’re not looking for a long-term, committed relationship. Owning your own choices are the way to go here - don’t try to bash the choices of others (so edit out the shackle imagery). You don’t have to defend yourself, or attack anyone else; simply stating what you’re looking for, firmly and confidently, should serve to avoid stepping on toes and also ward off those who want to argue or try to change your mind (yes, they’re out there). And if someone ignores your wishes and gets upset later when you don’t want a commitment, well, they can’t say they weren’t fully informed.

Not everyone knows exactly what they’re looking for, and that’s okay too. Just be honest with yourself, and when these sorts of discussions come up in email or on dates, think about your feelings and gut reactions. Chances are, you’ll know if your vision of the future is meshing with that of your potential match - or not.

Whatever phase of life you’re in, there’s nothing wrong with looking for someone to share it with. If you encounter someone who wants something else right now, don’t hold it against them; just know that, like their interests and chemistry, it’s just another factor to weigh in determining your compatibility.