Relationships

We hear it all the time - men and women alike seem to be looking for confidence in their romantic partners, above other important traits. Confidence is attractive, and certainly helps in the world of dating - online or offline.

But what exactly is confidence? It's not a resume or looks or anything you can point to physically - it's more subtle. It's the way someone carries himself, how he talks, how he interacts in the world and with the people around him. He's comfortable in his own skin. You know how certain people walk in the room and they practically draw people to them like a magnet? Maybe they aren't the best-looking at the party, but there is an intangible quality about them that others find really appealing. It's because they are confident in exactly who they are.

Having confidence when it comes to dating is often easier said than done. Many people try to force it, which can backfire. For instance, if you're a man and you're trying to impress a woman with your career success or how many houses or cars you own, you don't come across as confident, but instead look like you're trying too hard. You'll turn her off.

If you're looking for dating with confidence, follow these simple steps.

Understand who you are. Many people have a long list of what they want in a partner. But rarely do they really reflect on their own traits and what they bring to the table. Making a list of all of your positive qualities helps to build your confidence, because you're building on your strengths and seeing how they benefit a relationship. Likewise, noticing areas where you feel insecure could help you become more reasonable in your expectations of others. People aren't perfect - we are all works in progress. It helps to keep an open mind.

Pay attention. Instead of focusing on what you're doing on a date or at a party, (like how much you're sweating or what you're going to say if the woman in the red dress walks up to you), look around you. Slow down and stop being so focused on yourself and how you're being perceived or what to do next. Instead, when you strike up a conversation really listen. Notice people around you and make yourself available. Meet someone's gaze instead of avoiding eye contact. Keep your arms open instead of folded in front of you. When you open yourself up to meet new people you'll be surprised how differently they react to you.

Good manners go a long way. Be nice and considerate to everyone, including a waiter or valet if you're going out to dinner. Your dates will pay attention to how you treat other people. If you're acting like a jerk, this doesn't show confidence but makes you instead look like a bully. A confident person treats everyone with respect and kindness. There's nothing sexier than that.

When it comes to writing online dating profiles, I like to advise that you get an extra pair of eyes to proofread. However, there’s another area in which outside input can be incredibly valuable - sometimes even more valuable than your own opinions. I am talking, as you might guess, about the picture selection.

See, here’s how pictures differ from writing: while you are the one who knows yourself best, you’re not the one who actually sees yourself on a regular basis. You can control the message you’re sending through the written word, but you might not always be aware of the messages you’re sending through your facial expressions and body language.

You might be surprised to learn that someone else’s opinion about which pictures most flatter you differ wildly from your own. That’s because no matter how objective we try to be, most of us still focus on the small things no one else cares about: whether our hair is perfect, a little blemish, whether our teeth are crooked or whether we’re wearing makeup.

In contrast, someone else might focus more on whether your smile is genuine, or if you look like you’re having a good time. Many of us feel our “real” smile is too gummy or wide or silly, but others tend to prefer it far more than a “pretty” smile.

On the other end of the spectrum, others can help us point out the negative signals we may be sending without our knowledge. What seems “mysterious,” “manly,” “cute” or “pensive” to us may actually seem more “dead-eyed,” “intimidating,” “needy” or “blank” to others. We know the intent behind the photo - what we were thinking when it was taken - and that colors our perceptive, but someone else has only the photo to go on.

So as you choose your photos for your profile, think about getting someone else to look through them as well, and try to keep an open mind if they have criticisms or suggestions. Sure, preferences are always subjective, no matter who’s looking, but it doesn’t hurt to get a taste of how you might look through someone else’s eyes.

We often tell ourselves a story about how love should happen, instead of letting life take its course. We want to control and dictate everything, or at least the most important things, from what a man should look like - to what kind of background he has - to being able to commit when we want a commitment.

Of course, life never quite unfolds in the way you expect. Which is why we find ourselves confused, frustrated, and lonely when it comes to finding love - dating can be such a long, arduous process. You date men or women who don't live up to your expectations, and then you're disappointed. Or maybe you feel that you should be in a serious relationship by now, but for some reason, it has eluded you.

You might tell yourself the following:

• I should be married by age (fill in the blank).
• I should love this person because he's handsome, smart, and successful, and all my friends love him, but I don't. But I should try to make it work.
• I shouldn't love him, because he's too goofy/has children already/is not the type I usually date.
• I should be ready to commit at my age/with this person.
• I should stay with my boyfriend. (Otherwise I'd be alone.)
• I should date more people before jumping into the next relationship. It's only been a few weeks since I broke up with my ex.

All of these "shoulds" can be exhausting. And imagine telling yourself these "shoulds" several times a day - your brain would be on overload from all of the things you should be doing but aren't. It's enough to make you want to curl up on the couch, turn on the TV and bypass dating and relationships altogether.

But what if you were to look at life in a different way, one that was a little more open to new experiences. Opportunities that don't look like what you expect, but could bring you even more happiness. I like the word "could." It's much more open than "should."

Often, the shoulds get in the way of what will actually make us happy. Instead of planning your life based on what others expect, or what you think is right, have a little more flexibility. Enjoy someone's company instead of talking yourself out of it. Don't put undue pressure on yourself to be in a different place in your life - enjoy meeting people and fine-tuning your wants and needs as you go along.

It's also important to focus on the present moment - what you have in your life right now. A great group of friends? A good job? A nice home? The ocean close by to surf in the mornings? Make a list of all of the things you're grateful for and read it every day, to remind you of what you have now. Then ditch your "shoulds."

Let me tell you a story about “Robert.” Robert is on the dating scene for the first time in years. As sometimes happens when one is in a long-term relationship, Robert became a little complacent in his eating and exercise habits, and is perhaps a little more solid than the last time he was on the market. Now, to most outside eyes, he was in fine shape; the extra thirty or forty pounds didn’t make that much of a difference, and since most of his pictures were from the neck up, you couldn’t even tell a difference between an older, slimmer picture and a new one. But Robert was anxious - so anxious, he felt the need to address it in his profile.

And address it he did. He explained that he’d put on some weight and was working to take it off. He made a few jokes about the subject: for example, he said that his “value” would only go up, and for now he was a “bargain.”

Now, did Robert handle that in the worst possible way? Maybe not - but he didn’t need to address it all. Now he’s drawn attention to his extra pounds when they might have slipped by, and he’s made himself appear insecure, which might be a red flag for some. Robert isn’t really all that obsessed with his weight from day to day, but his anxiety over his profile is painting a far more unflattering picture than a few extra pounds.

So what should you do if you’re like Robert? What if, like him, you want the reader to know you’re working on improving yourself? As with almost anything else, the key here is to give it a positive spin. Talk about how you’ve gotten into eating healthily, or that you’re really enjoying your new exercise regimen. Your readers aren’t dumb; they’ll understand that there are various benefits from new lifestyle choices. Most importantly, you don’t need to address weight or numbers, or apologize for yourself.

Something else that Robert did, that we should all avoid, is making promises. Maybe you will lose your few pounds down the road; maybe you won’t. The fact is, you’re looking for someone who is compatible with you in the here and now, not fifteen pounds from now. Chances are, someone truly compatible will like you no matter what you weigh, so why try to lure in someone so superficial they have to be mollified with the promise of improvement?

So maybe you’re not a supermodel; few people are. As you sit down to write your own profile, try not to focus on the most superficial layer of your personality. Remember that whatever flaws we think we have are dramatically exaggerated in our own minds; self-confidence, a genuine smile, and a kind heart will do far more for anyone’s attractiveness than losing or gaining a few pounds.

This is my favorite time of the year - the air is turning a little cool in the evenings, new shows are starting to premiere on TV, and the best part - Halloween is around the corner. Fall is a fun time in my opinion, and a good time to actively date.

Fall brings many possibilities for new and different date ideas to help you get over the lingering effects of summer and prepare for the holiday season. So take advantage and go outside your dinner and a movie comfort zone to try some once-a-year activities.

Following are some seasonal ideas to get you started:

Costume shopping - If you want a little creativity and inspiration, ask your date to go shopping for Halloween costumes with you. Instead of renting or buying those pre-fab expensive ones, try local thrift stores and come up with your own designs. It's much more fun, and it shows off your creative side. (Even if you already planned a costume, it can't hurt to look together.)

Haunted things - whether it's a hayride through an old cemetery or a haunted theme park or shopping mall, taking your date to a spooky event can be fun and will definitely give you something to talk about - even if it was kind of lame. You can share a drink afterward and calm your nerves.

Pumpkin carving - Visited a pumpkin farm lately? If not, you might want to take your date along with you. Grab a couple of pumpkins and show off your carving skills, maybe while you're watching some scary movies. Most farms offer some carving tool kits if you want to get detailed about it.

Farmer's markets - I love strolling through these on weekend mornings - the produce changes depending on the time of year. It's a different kind of date - you can gather a few items for a picnic at a nearby park.

Art shows - I'm not sure why this is, but the fall seems to be the best time for catching new art shows that come to town - whether it's a museum or art gallery. Check your local listings and wander through a new exhibit. If you're feeling the chemistry, stick around for a drink or bite to eat nearby.

Host a themed gathering - Even if you live in a small place, it's fun to invite a few people over along with your date to watch scary movies and create some Halloween-inspired drinks and food. Decorating a little helps to set the mood, too. Happy Halloween!

There are a few things online daters commonly lie about in their profiles - age, height, and above all else for both genders - income. It seems we are perpetually ashamed that we aren't making enough money, or that our professions won't seem so glamorous to many daters out there.

I'm not a fan of being dishonest in your profile. If you hit it off, then eventually you'll have to come clean, and wouldn't you like to start a relationship off on the right foot? But I do understand the question of income, and more specifically, employment. I live in L.A., and there are many people here who freelance - whether it's writing, film or television production, web marketing, or a number of other careers, which means money is sometimes tight. And sometimes you aren't working, which can take a toll on your dating confidence.

We're in a recession here in the U.S., so I believe people are more understanding about employment fluctuations than ever before. While your career success can give you some confidence when you're dating, it's not the only thing that defines you.

It's important to remind yourself of all the other things in your life besides your job, your income, or your lack of employment. After all, your next girlfriend or boyfriend isn't looking to hire you, she/he is looking to date you romantically.

Following are some tips to help you gain more perspective and confidence when it comes to dating:

What are your passions? This is not about your job - it's about your life. What do you like to do more than anything else? Are you an expert surfer, gardener, chef, or musician? Are you training to run a marathon because it's one of your life goals? Think about how you most like to spend your time, and what gives you the most pleasure. When you start talking about these things, your enthusiasm will attract others - including your dates.

What are your skills? Maybe you speak another language or two, or you got your pilot's license, or you're trained in ballet dancing. Take these skills and include them in your profile. Aren't you attracted to people who have unique skills or talents, and not just what they do for a living?

Be yourself. When you're describing yourself, don't spend a lot of time dwelling in what you're trying to do career-wise. While that might be a topic for your date, your profile has to attract attention and also show who you are. Most people are not their jobs, or their career ambitions, or their income goals. Also, don't apologize for what you do. Be proud - especially if you do it well, or talk about what you are working towards if it's appropriate. For instance, if you're working part-time at a local pet store while going to school to get your nursing degree, let your dates know. Motivation matters more to your dates than where you are right now.