Relationships

I am endlessly fascinated by the intersections of sex and science. Where does love end and biology begin? How much of love is a romantic, unexplainable emotion and how much is a chemical reaction in the brain? Will science ever be able to explain it all? Would we want it to?

A lot has happened lately on that front.

On Attraction:

Scientists in Ireland have discovered a brain region that plays a major role in romantic decision-making. The region is the medial prefrontal cortex, located near the front of the brain. The medial prefrontal cortex is responsible for making snap judgments about physical attraction and compatibility - all within milliseconds of seeing a person for the first time.

On Children:

Researchers at Bar Ilan University in Israel studied couples with children and found that marital satisfaction decreased following the birth of the first child. It continued to decline steadily after that, reaching its lowest point when the kids became teenagers. Couples with stronger relationships to begin with showed fewer signs of dissatisfaction after having children, though in all cases marital dissatisfaction was not significantly related to divorce. When children leave the home and couples have more time together, they are often able to rebuild closeness and intimacy.

On Sex:

A brain imaging study found that, compared to new partners, long-term partners show activity in brain areas associated with attachment that demonstrated greater calmness and less tension. As long-term partners settle into their relationship, they become more securely attached and less fearful of abandonment. It's important to build a strong romantic bond early on, so that love can withstand the challenges of aging and family development.

On Romance:

Can romance last, or is it destined to disappear with time? Brain imaging studies conducted by Art Aron (who collaborated with his wife of 37 years) at Stony Brook University have provided proof that romantic love can last, at least for around 5-12% of couples.

On Love:

Aron's research showed that love has a unique physiological profile in the brain. Brain scans of both long-term and recent couples revealed activity in the ventral tagmental area (VTA) of the brain, an area with a high concentration of dopamine, which is associated with reward and motivation. Long-term love appears to activate the brain's reward systems. Aron also found that long-term couples who reported the most romantic love on questionnaires had levels of VTA activity similar to those of couples who were newly in love.

As much as we like romantic movies and seeing the handsome hero chase after the beautiful girl, these stories have also skewed our perception of what love really means.

Many woman tend to be romantic when it comes to love, and if a guy doesn't deliver in the hearts and flowers department, all bets are off. But this thinking can be counter-productive to real, lasting relationships.

The reason? People often mistake romantic gestures as the leading sign of a good relationship. Instead of two individuals creating a partnership together, romantics tend to look at relationships as something to be pursued and won. They expect their love lives to be filled with non-stop passion or they aren't satisfied. Some even create drama to keep the emotions running high. But this isn't sustainable in the long run.

I'm not suggesting that relationships become robotic with no passion or romance - quite the opposite. I believe that real love comes from a sense of shared adventure, mutual respect, support, and love from each partner, rather than a sense of being rescued or chased or in a constant flux between emotional highs and lows.

Romantics view relationships in unhealthy ways, and then are disappointed that their love lives are not what they'd hoped. For example, a romantic might say:

• A man should wine and dine me, sweep me off my feet.
• Passion and romance are the only way a man can show me he loves me.
• If he doesn't work to win my affection, then he'll get bored and move on. So I keep him guessing about how I feel.
• A man should know what makes me happy without me telling him.
• I expect my man to buy me expensive things to show his love.

When you let go of this idealized thinking about your love interest, it leads to a happier love life. You can retrain your thinking by giving yourself a little perspective. Here's a healthier, more realistic approach:

• I love a man with passion and a sense of adventure, who likes to go with the flow and see where an evening takes us, whether it's out for a picnic or a bike ride in the country.
• When a man I'm attracted to is showing me affection, I like to let him know I feel the same way with small gestures, like grabbing his hand or kissing him over the dining table.
• Nobody's a mind reader. If I want to be heard or have my needs met, I will be open and communicate with my partner.
• Expensive gifts don't equal love - thoughtful gestures, like giving me a card when you know I'm down, go a lot further in showing me how you feel.

Romance is an exciting part of any relationship. But letting go of unrealistic expectations so you can enjoy true and lasting love, is even better.

Check out almost any online dating profile and you’ll probably notice that when it comes to qualities that people look for, a sense of humor rates almost at the top of the list. If one were to be completely honest, attractiveness probably ranks first for most, but you probably won’t see that listed (and it’s kind of a given anyway). Thus “being funny” becomes even more important. And what a coincidence: most people state in their self-summaries that they are, in fact, terrifically funny. Worse, they often try to prove it.

In general, there’s nothing wrong with trying to “show” instead of “tell” in your profile; it’s recommended, in fact. But while it can be easy to “show” some traits by listing facts instead of making claims (like bringing up your extensive charity work in lieu of saying you’re kind or compassionate), it’s much harder to have “evidence” of your sense of humor, unless you’re a successful, working comedian. So people try to gain credibility by being funny in their profile. This is almost always a mistake.

There are a few problems, actually. First of all, so much is involved in comedy - facial expressions, timing, the tone of voice - that is next to impossible to recreate in text. It’s entirely possible you’re hilarious in person, but if you’re not experienced in comedic writing, you might not come across in remotely the same way.

Next, even at the best of times, comedy is highly subjective. Check out any popular comedian and chances are you can easily find someone who can’t understand why this unfunny person ever got famous. Even if you’re in fabulous form on your profile, you’re still running the risk that the reader won’t “get” you (which you also do in person, but at least you’re expending considerably less effort and there’s less risk).

Finally, you’re attempting to be funny on command, about a specific subject. Not an easy task - ask the writers for any awards-show host. Again, even if you’re absolutely hysterical most of the time, these aren’t great conditions for anyone.

So what do you do? Instead of trying to “prove” your comedic worth, or making claims about your amazing reputation, try the understated approach. Say that you appreciate comedy, or mention that you’d like to find someone with a similar sense of humor. Maybe you could list some of your favorite books, TV shows or movies that match your “style.” Just as you wouldn’t try to convince someone you’re really attractive, don’t go overboard convincing them of funniness - it practically falls under the broad header of “chemistry,” and is best experienced in person, anyway.

Oh, and whatever you do, don’t try to explain or describe your sense of humor, either (like “sarcastic” or “witty” or “impressions”). After all, as any truly funny person knows, you’ve already sunk when you try to explain yourself.

My generally-cynical friend, Rose, announced that she wasn’t going to keep her online profile up through the month of December. “There’s no point,” she explained. “Last year it was totally dead in my area, and besides, people just want to have a date for their work holiday party or something to do on New Year’s.”

Now, in general I don’t agree with Rose when she becomes a Negative Nancy, but for a moment I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she was completely accurate. Perhaps the online dating site she uses was particularly quiet last December - after all, people often travel to see family, or use up their vacation time, over the holidays. Perhaps the majority of those still in town were looking primarily for a date to a holiday event. Still...

“So what?” I asked her.

She raised her eyebrows. “So what?” she repeated.

“So what if someone is just looking for a date to a holiday party?”

“Well,” she said, “It makes me feel like there’s just some ulterior motive - like I could be any random person, being used for some specific purpose. It seems hard to believe that a relationship could start under those conditions.”

“Sure,” I said, “I understand that. But the truth is, we never really know the motivation of the person we’ve just met. How is wanting a date for a party any different from wanting a first date to get back on that horse after a bad breakup? Or ultimately looking for a future spouse and parent to your future children? We all have some ulterior motive, but that doesn’t mean it’s sinister. Either way, we’re still not going to go out with someone we’re not remotely interested in. And if we have a great time, we’re going to want to see them again, even if we were just planning on finding someone for this one party. And what’s wrong with wanting someone to laugh with over the holidays?”

Rose looked thoughtful, but I wasn’t done yet.

“Besides,” I added, “Sure, it’s true that the majority of relationships probably start on some random day of the year and not in some ultra-romantic setting like waiting for the ball to drop on New Year’s Eve. But just because the majority of them start in more mundane settings doesn’t mean that all of them do. There’s no reason to avoid a potential relationship just because you think it’s a cliche.”

Perhaps I’m just a hopeless romantic. However, Rose did ultimately keep her profile up for the month of December, though she claimed it was just due to her “laziness.” What do you think?

We're coming up on the holidays, and you might be anticipating some anxiety about your single status. Sure, you love your life, your independence, your ability to make last-minute plans without consulting with anyone else. But you also long for the partnership, romance, and companionship that comes with being in a relationship. So why hasn't it happened already?

The fact is, it takes time to find someone special, especially as you get older. You might be more picky in your thirties than you were in your twenties, (and that's a good thing, as long as you don't take it to extremes)! You know better the type of relationship you want. Also, work might have taken you away from focusing on your personal life, and now you want to shift your priorities a little. Whatever the case, you're ready, so following are a few tips to help speed things along (but having a little patience won't hurt...)

Make dating a priority. If you've put work first in the past, now is the time to shift your thinking. You can't make real progress by going on a few dates a month. You have to do more - let your friends know that it's okay to set you up, sign up for more than one online dating site, attend parties, strike up conversations with total strangers. If this puts you outside your comfort zone, that's okay. With a little practice, it will become easier and you'll see it pay off with more dates.

Break down those barriers. Stop telling yourself there are no good men out there, or that you seem to attract all the wrong guys, or any other dating myth you've perpetuated over the years. With 50% of U.S. adults being single, there's no reason you can't meet a good catch. So turn the negative chatter off and start thinking more positively. Even if you've been on a few bad dates lately, try opening up a little more instead of being so guarded and see who you meet and what happens. Dating should be a fun process, not a self-defeating one.

Stop comparing your life to others. There's nothing more counter-productive to finding the right relationship than looking at all of your friends who already have one. Don't assume they are all happy, and don't assume you're doing something wrong because you don't have what they do. Stop comparing, period. Everyone has her own path. Everyone's love life has a different timing. Yours will come, but only if you allow it to happen.

If you're dating this holiday season, don't rely on the same old places to meet - like bars or coffee shops. There are so many seasonal places and activities to enjoy, so take advantage. It's a great time of year to not only date, but to do some of the things you enjoy and get into the holiday spirit.

While many of you might not celebrate Christmas, there are plenty of options regardless. Take a look at some of these date ideas and see if you get inspired. If you want dating to be fun, it's good to use a little creativity and mix things up!

Outdoor ice skating. This activity is not just for people living near frozen ponds anymore! I live in southern California, and I've found that pop-up ice rinks are the latest craze in the warmer climates. Check your local areas for where they might be - usually in parking lots that aren't being used. I love going at night when the crowd is a little older and the stars are out - it's also a great precursor to grabbing a warm drink at a nearby bar.

Tour decorated neighborhoods. Who doesn't like to see holiday lights on houses? Pick a neighborhood and go for a walk or drive. Some streets go all-out and post their celebrations in the paper, so check your local listings. There's nothing to put you in a holiday mood like a stroll in the cool air along a lit-up street.

Fondue and s'mores. If you're sick of the usual restaurants you frequent with your new love interest, try staying home instead. There's nothing like roasting marshmallows in front of a fireplace, or crafting a chocolate or cheese fondue for dipping strawberries, biscotti, vegetables, or bread. Put on a movie and your night is complete.

Holiday shopping with a twist. While you might not tolerate the crowds when you're by yourself, going with a date could make the whole experience better. Do you have a hard time choosing gifts for friends and family, or maybe you don't know where to look? Going with your date could turn it into an adventure. Don't choose a standard mall - instead, pick a quirky street with eclectic shops, or go to an outdoor market, like a farmer's market. You can find bargains at second-hand stores and art galleries, too - items you'd never thought of. It will spark your creativity. Plus, you can check it off your holiday to do list.

Happy holiday dating!